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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rude DSD

158 replies

PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:20

Will keep it brief. Need some useful and thoughtful advice please. Usual vipers not welcome. Smile

DSD, 15. Just got back from work, DH has taken DSS to football so just me and her. I come in, she's lying on the sofa on her phone, with a film on. I heat up my food (she had already had hers), feed the animals, come into the lounge.
'Hello DSD you alright darling?'
(In a very rude and surly way 'Yeah'.

Nothing else. Thats literally it. She has form for this, I have had to sit her down before and ask her that at least when I say hello I would appreciate a hello back.

The atmosphere is awful, awkward and toxic. DH not back until 8PM.

I've come up to my bedroom to read. I feel like a lodger in my own home and her the moody landlord who doesn't like me encroaching on her space.

I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean everything over the years. (Been with DH 6 years, married for 2). I've done talking, I've done days out, I've done stepping back, I've organised daddy/daughter days, but I'm getting to the stage where I think its honestly just her personality, and thats okay, but surely a basic level of respect is ok?

Its not just me shes like this with, she's even worse with her mum and DH but I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it. Sad

OP posts:
Wintercoffee · 27/07/2021 20:33

Just being a normal teenager. She will grow out of it eventually

LemonRoses · 27/07/2021 20:35

[quote Woodmarsh]@lemonroses the step daughter is the one with the attitude.

OP should also be able to relax in her own home without feeling like she is the lodger or walking on eggshells, that's not ok[/quote]
We’ll disagree entirely. OP is the adult and needs to behave like one, opening up conversations, encouraging civility by role modelling.

The child is behaving as a child often does. They haven’t been rude, just not terribly engaged or fawning over her step mother. It is the adults responsibility to gently set examples, to persuade communications and to be the bigger person. That doesn’t feel like what is happening.

User233332 · 27/07/2021 20:38

she might just want to be quiet and not chatty and left alone

She needs to do that in her room then if she wants to be left alone.

Shelddd · 27/07/2021 20:45

@User233332

she might just want to be quiet and not chatty and left alone

She needs to do that in her room then if she wants to be left alone.

I'm so glad I wasn't raised in a home with people like this. I was able to be quiet when I needed to be without being forced to converse when I'm not in the mood. Must be hell to live with people like that as an introvert (which i am)
Theunamedcat · 27/07/2021 20:52

An introvert with a tv and an xbox would be up there with the xbox family room for social activities bedroom for miserable activities

1WildFlower · 27/07/2021 20:57

Sounds like she's being 15, she was maybe distracted by the movie and just answered the question.

myspicynutsarefried · 27/07/2021 21:13

TBF she didn't ignore you, but if she was into watching something what she is saying in that 'yeh' is: I don't really want to talk to you, but I know I need to acknowledge you have spoken to me, but I don't want to chat, I want to chill, watch crap, and respond to the odd message my mates have sent.
I don't think she's being deliberately rude, just not wanting to converse at this moment in time, and that's okay. I would follow up with, "right, once this film/ tv program has finished I'll be choosing what's on next" no need for further chat, and if she doesn't like it she can move to her own room.
I get it's hard being a step parent, but it's really, really hard being a step child no matter how awesome your step parent is, it's not an easy family dynamic, but as you work with teens you must know how they don't communicate!

EKGEMS · 27/07/2021 21:48

@PollyPepper I definitely do not discern a negative attitude to the stepdaughter or resentment for her room from you. Who cares if she knows you've texted her father? If she wants to be grouchy that's fine but basic civility to each other in a family isn't asking for too much

tropicalwaterdiver · 28/07/2021 07:41

I don't think it's SD issue, it's teenagers issue. My daughter was rude to me from 15 to 18...

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 09:12

@User233332

she might just want to be quiet and not chatty and left alone

She needs to do that in her room then if she wants to be left alone.

well yes, like I said immediately after, but sometimes teens need reminding that they have chosen to be in a communal area and that they can go to private places. Do they have a telly in their room?
Magda72 · 28/07/2021 09:24

Oh ffs! Another post advocating pussy footing around because "that's what teenagers are like". Teenagers are only like that if they're let be like that - and yes, I know what I'm taking about - I've raised 2 and my dd is currently 15. I didn't/don't tolerate that sort of rudeness out of any of them.
If they behaved/behave like that they were given 3 options:

  1. to talk to me if something is bothering them but to not grunt at me; to talk if they had a problem but not to take it out on other people.
  2. to go to their bedroom and chill out if they want to be alone/some down time.
  3. they were/are told that communal areas were for everyone & as such grumpiness & grunting at people is not be allowed in them and see no. 2 above. @PollyPepper dsc needs to be told straight up that she's entitled to have a bad day (we all have them) but she cannot take it out on others & that rudeness won't be tolerated. If she needs time to herself she can go to her room or she can stay around and be civil. Also let her know you're there to chat to if she needs an ear.
Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 09:40

@Nojobforoldmums

She sounds like a 15 year-old being a 15 year old.
That's what I thought.
NorthernSpirit · 28/07/2021 09:51

This is my SD - now 15, I would say that it’s been going on since she was around 8.

She’s better with her dad, but when on her own with me, won’t look at me, talk to me, engage, I’m referred to as ‘her’. I think in the 7 years I have known her she has probably spoken more than a few words to me.

I have fallen over her to do ‘nice things’ for her / with her, absolutely nothing helps.

Like you, I would come home (and we live in my house) and be completely ignored. If I was lucky I would get a monosyllabic answer while not being looked at.

In my case the SD has been alienated by her very bitter and high conflict mother.

For years, her dad has tried taking to her, absolutely nothing helps. I used to hide myself away in our bedroom when she came as it got to the stage were I felt so uncomfortable in my own home and I couldn’t bear bring ignored.

Then I had an epiphany… this is my home, which I pay for, why should I be treated like this? I wouldn’t put up with it from a niece or nephew or a friends kids.

So now if she can’t engage, or be pleasant or engage at a basic level she doesn’t get the privilege of staying in the house when her dad isn’t here.

I don’t agree with other posters who say “it’s normal teenage behaviour” - I didn’t behave like this (my parents would have never put up with this shit or level of disrespect). We’re so afraid of upsetting or pussy footing round kids now that they think they can get away with it.

My SD is almost 16 - she has now stopped coming as she doesn’t like the rules we have (i.e we treat people with respect & how we would like to be treated). TBH it’s a relief as I’ve put up with her appalling behaviour and disrespect for years.

Good luck.

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 09:53

Normal 15yo behaviour indeed, especially after she's been working. The fact she is working shows she is actually more mature than the majority of 15yo. She's probably adjusting to a day of work and knackered, wanting to chill out, talk to her friends, catch-up on media, not have a conversation about her day to her SM.

I think your expectations are unrealistic and the drama you make of it is likely to have more of an impact on your relationship with her. Generations evolve and that's one of the changes that happened since we were teenagers.

My kids are now young adults and I've learnt that they talk when they are in the mood to do so, not when I expect them to because it suits me.

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 09:55

I didn’t behave like this
Neither did I, but I did do things that annoyed my parents that they themselves would never have done when they were kids. Thankfully, they appreciated that comparing my behaviour to theirs at the same age was pointless because values and principles evolve with each generation.

Bluntness100 · 28/07/2021 09:57

This is totally normal teenage behaviour. I was expecting something worse. Christ my daughters 24 and she will still occasionally pull this shit. 😂

crabbingbucket · 28/07/2021 09:58

Do you or have you had teenagers? This is totally normal teenage behaviour

crabbingbucket · 28/07/2021 09:58

Also she's watching a film, I wouldn't expect someone engrossed in a film to hold a full conversation with me

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 10:29

@LemonRoses

In fairness to the child, you sound like you have a horrible attitude towards her. The girls not actually done anything very wrong. Maybe next time, tell her beforehand that you’d like to go out for a meal together or will pick up a takeaway and involve inheritance in choosing. Ask about her day. Pay her compliments. Try liking her.

Certainly don’t send her out with her father. A fifteen year old should be able to relax in their own home.

WTF.

Only one person has a horrible attitude in this scenario, and it's not OP. I don't even know where you've taken that OP has a horrible attitude towards her SD when all she's done is say hello and ask her if she's ok!?!!!?

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 10:43

This is totally normal teenage behaviour. I was expecting something worse. Christ my daughters 24 and she will still occasionally pull this shit

Bloody hell! I definitely wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from a fully grown adult! What a rude woman Shock

No, it’s not normal teenage behaviour, it’s entitled, rude behaviour that is not ok. Being a bit grumpy is understandable but if it’s making feel like you need to retreat to your room then it’s gone too far.

My eldest SD actually “Shhhh” at me last week when I was letting the dogs out through the patio doors in the living room, I said “that was rude, don’t do that”, she did it again to her sister less than 2 mins later when she asked what we were having for funny so I told her again not to shhhh people in a communal room.

She snapped at me so I turned the tv off. I will not tolerate being spoken to like that by a child, any child. Especially not in my own home.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 10:44

for dinner*

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 28/07/2021 10:49

IMO, if she's with you 50/50 you do have authority. You're her parent, and she should show you as much respect as she shows her biological parents. If my daughter was rude/surly to my DH (her step father), I'd expect him to deal with her directly not feel he has to text me.

Booboosweet · 28/07/2021 11:20

I don't understand how she was rude. She answered your question.

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 11:28

No, it’s not normal teenage behaviour, it’s entitled, rude behaviour that is not ok
She was in the middle of something, watching a film. I find it rude and entitled that someone expect a person engrossed in a film to put it on hold to make conversation with them because they want to converse at that particular time.

As for moving to the bedroom, that's a result of how OP felt. I too also discovered that my kids don't mind me at all being next to them whilst they are engrossed in something. You can sit in the same area without engaging in a conversation. Teenagers do it amongst themselves!!