Managing DSS excitement for new baby

[newmammastepmamma]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby (LO).

I also have a 13yo DSS, who lives with us 50% of the week.

I generally have a really good relationship with DSS - though he obviously has his moments, as do I! And he's been pestering DH and I to have another DC for a number of years, so he's ecstatic about the new addition and can't wait to meet him / her. I love him to bits, and love to see him - but also have to admit as a stepmum that I do also enjoy the 50% of the week he's at his mums!

My issue is that I'm already starting to feel a bit possessive of my LO... particularly as DSS has started to make assertions / demands about the baby and what is going to happen when / after the baby is born.

A few comments just this week include:
"I'll definitely be at the birth as well!"
"Ok, well if I can't be at the birth I'm being the first one there after, and I'll be the first person to hold the baby."
"I'm taking time off school to be at the hospital."
"I'm coming to stay here when the baby is born to hold the baby all the time because I want it to love me the most."
"If your mum and dad are going to be going to the hospital first I'll stay with them while you're in labour so I can come with them and be first."

...I mean I obviously am delighted he's so excited about the baby!! But also - it's my first baby, I'm apprehensive about the labour, and I know I am going to want some time with baby, DH, and my mum and dad, who I'm very close to, before having the baby apparently hogged by DSS?

Am I being hormonal / mental / unreasonable? I know he's only 13, and excited!! But I feel like all of these are demands / statements rather than requests, and he does have previous for being a wee stroppy git when he doesn't get his way. (So does get his way a LOT!)

I'm thinking of waiting til nearer the time and speaking to DH about it lightly, (and possibly DSS?!) just to remind them that while it's his first baby brother or sister, it's also my first baby, and my parents first grandchild, I'll have been through a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll need a little bit of time with my own support system first - and then of course I'll obviously happily spend the next visiting cooing over DSS with LO!

DH is trying to manage expectation a little I think, and did say that DSS couldn't be at the birth but could possibly stay with my parents to be first on the scene... but I just think I'd like some time with baby, DH and my parents before DSS arrives, as my impression so far is his excitement will make him very possessive over cuddles etc! And I obviously do want DSS to have time with baby without feeling like cuddles need to be shared round with my parents, and vice versa.

Also I know it's going to be carnage at the beginning with a new baby... and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am. So the thought of him moving in full time at probably the most stressful time ever is giving me the fear!

Does anyone have any experience of managing a similar situation? I'm not sure if me and my hormones are blowing this a bit out of proportion or not, or if it needs a little nip in the bud early on!

Your dss can have lessons in helping out! He can be chief nappy changer...
Seriously there are waaay worse things to be worrying about with a dsc and a new sibling!! My dd's learned how to make me cuppas and a simple lunch!! Your dss is old enough to make an evening meal!!
Once that (no offence) crying loudly, smelling awful bundle of pure (vomit) joy arrives he will back off I am sure!
Do not try and dampen his enthusiasm though!!

I absolutely agree that DSS should be the first person besides you and DH to meet his new sibling and definitely before your parents.
The birth….no, you’re right there.

i think he needs to be the first after you and your DH to meet baby.

I also think giving him a special job (training him to do nappies and bring you snacks) is a great idea! Can he perhaps choose a special book / teddy / baby's coming home outfit?

YABU that your parents trump your DH's other DC. Being at the birth is obviously a no but his other requests are entirely reasonable. You should be grateful that your DSS is so engaged with this and not feeling threatened that he has to share his Dad. If you put your parents above him then if I was your DH I would be pretty pissed off, regardless of how tough you've had it

Whoops it's not AIBU so apologies but hopefully I make my point

I had this with DSD who was 11 when DD was born and it was a bit overwhelming. You want him to feel involved in welcoming the new arrival and that you are all one family. However you are also the one giving birth and your needs are important too. Definitely not at the birth, and to be honest if you don’t feel up to him arriving with your parents right away that’s also ok - you will be establishing breastfeeding potentially, still bleeding etc and to want a hug from your Mum etc first is fine. I’d suggest letting him come fairly soon though and before any visitors other than your parents.

@ketchupman I was partly asking an AIBU I suppose, so I do get your point! But I'd say I'm close enough with my mum that I'll be considering asking her to be at the birth along with my DH? (And that would be a definite if it didn't leave my dad sitting himself!)

Where I wouldn't dream of having DSS there.

So I do understand in terms of our family dynamic DSS is right up there and definitely deserves to be one of the first... but I don't think it's unreasonable after labour that the first person I'll want to see other than DH is my mum, if she's not there during 🤷🏻‍♀️ And I think my DH understands that dynamic enough up close that he wouldn't be pissed off!

@Glitterbaby17 Thank you - this is exactly what I'm meaning - of course he should be one of the first there, and I definitely want to encourage their relationship and not dampen his enthusiasm! It's just really the way he's talking I think he's expecting to be outside the door as the baby comes out 🙈😂 Where I think I will need a wee cuddle from my mum!

Can you wait and see how you feel after? And ask OH to speak to DSC and explain giving birth can be a tricky time but promise as soon as you're able DSC can visit.

I was an absolute mess emotionally when my LO was born so it wasn't suitable for DSC to see me like that. It's great the they are so excited though!

@30degreesandmeltinghere 😂😂 My DSS is not old enough to remember to flush the toilet or wash his hands, never mind cook an evening meal!!

We can definitely teach him to help a bit though, and we are trying to get him involved in loads of ways. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to exclude him!! Just I feel a bit overwhelmed at his expectations given I'm just now trying to get my head around the labour part 🙈

Maybe if he chooses a Teddy for baby for you to take into hospital with you that might help?

@MouldyPotato Sorry you had such a hard time!! I think I'm just nervous of this exact thing - I don't really know what to expect with labour, and at the end of the day the point of it is me going through a significant medical procedure to give birth to a new baby... that's why DH is invited as a birth partner, rather than entitled to be there as baby's dad. I'm just not sure if I should try and manage expectation a bit to avoid the stress of a 13 year old throwing his toys out the pram because he's not allowed in yet, if things aren't perfect right away.

He'll definitely be one of the first in if and when things are ok, and yeah we are already trying to get him involved in picking things for the baby specifically from him, etc! Good idea on maybe taking those to hospital though!

I don’t think a 13yo should be regularly up until 2/3am playing video games, that sounds very unhealthy for him. And as for ‘not old enough to flush the toilet’ his dad needs to be dealing with that pronto. He’s 13, not 3.

At his age, just explain tiny babies need lots of quiet rest to grow. He can have a cuddle when he sees the baby, but he can’t dictate when he is off school/coming to the hospital. I didn’t take all my children into the birth of their younger siblings, they stayed with DH and I was with my sister.

Then now is the ideal time for a refresher course in parenting for your dh...
Seriously a 13 yo who can't put a simple meal together?
Or op you are going to have 3 dc to manage...

@Kanaloa I totally agree, but try to keep out of parenting DSS, as he has a mum and dad already to do that! (Neither of whom are bothered about the toilet flushing or nocturnal gaming 🙈) For my part, in our house I do march him back to the toilet to flush as it's not something I'm ok facilitating even if his parents think it's fine at 13, and if the middle of the night gaming is affecting new LO it'll be banned here as well!

I think a simple explanation like that is a good idea, thanks!

@newmammastepmamma Aww, it’s lovely to hear him so enthusiastic about his new sibling! 😊 Is this a first sibling or does his mum have other children? I’m sure once baby arrives he’ll calm down a lot when he realises they want to sleep all day! Although...I can assure you you’ll be so grateful if he does just want to hold baby all day when you need to shower/pee/eat and baby won’t let you put him/her down 🤣

Personally I would have him meeting baby before absolutely anyone else did. But it’s your labour etc so it’s absolutely your choice if you’d rather see your mum first.

Does he have a phone OP? Could you take a few minutes after the birth once you’re sorted to phone/FaceTime him or send him some pictures so that he’s the first one to know baby has arrived?

And I’d get him as involved as you can with all the practical stuff! He clearly wants to be involved so try and embrace that as much as you can! Maybe he could pick a special teddy or book or outfit? Or help with name ideas? 😊 he’ll you make lists of things he think baby might need etc!

@30degreesandmeltinghere Yep, sounds about right! I think DH will be happy(ish) to take my lead on parenting LO, and knows I'm likely to be stricter than he's been with DSS! But DSS does get a v. easy ride of it just now... hence he's fine making sweeping demands and expects that they are accommodated! Generally he is a good kid, and I love him to bits, just thinking I'm going to have to step in a bit now.

Use the enthusiasm to your advantage, at 13 there's lots he can do to help, not to mention babysitting in a year or two! Telling him he can be the first "proper" visitor seems right anyway.

I suspect his enthusiasm will wane very quickly anyway

So his dad is happy for him to stay up all night gaming and not even flush the toilet at 13 years old? Do you think he’s going to be a more effective parent to your baby? I’d be having a good chat with dh about parenting because it sounds like it’s going to be a solo ride if his son has got to 13 with this type of behaviour.

@newmammastepmamma

He's quite old enough to be cooking full meals etc, I was as were my DD's at that age. He's a teenager and could be very useful. If he's not flushing the toilet you (other his parents) need to have words unless there's an you haven't mentioned

People may disagree but I think he is old enough to be reminded of the logistics of birth and have it pointed out to him that you may need a couple of hours to be ready for visitors. It does sound sweet but when it comes down to it (like you say) you will be a patient going through a medical procedure and your needs come first.

I think, based on what you have said: DH and your mum at the birth and DSS and your dad can keep each other company then come later?

Your birth, your choices! If you want your parents there first then that’s fine. Honestly he sounds a wee bit indulged that he thinks he can tell what is going to happen rather than ask. Sweet he’s so excited, but perhaps the baby will be good for him to learn that other people have needs.

He is certainly old enough to cook, or at least make himself a sandwich. Not your problem as his stepmum, but the middle of the night gaming and toilet flushing ... 😳

Bootskates I agree, at 13 he's old enough to be told the realities and you'll need recovery time. Depending on what happens depends on how much recovery time. Maybe dad could offer to video call briefly with the baby?

Aw bless him though being so excited about it all, and dying to meet his new sibling. Your DH needs to take him aside and tell him that you and the baby will be very tired and need to settle in and rest after the birth, so they’ll have to see how you’re feeling about visitors straight away, but that he’ll be one of the absolute first visitors because he’s family. Mention that your mum might be there first to help you get used to everything, Not because she’s more important, but because she’s helping you. Let his dad arrange some special baby gifts from him. Keep him feeling happy and feeling part of your family. And keep in your head that this is a good thing that he’s happy about it all.

Also, it’s not a competition who sees the baby first. I’m a bit baffled by that aspect.