Managing DSS excitement for new baby

[newmammastepmamma]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby (LO).

I also have a 13yo DSS, who lives with us 50% of the week.

I generally have a really good relationship with DSS - though he obviously has his moments, as do I! And he's been pestering DH and I to have another DC for a number of years, so he's ecstatic about the new addition and can't wait to meet him / her. I love him to bits, and love to see him - but also have to admit as a stepmum that I do also enjoy the 50% of the week he's at his mums!

My issue is that I'm already starting to feel a bit possessive of my LO... particularly as DSS has started to make assertions / demands about the baby and what is going to happen when / after the baby is born.

A few comments just this week include:
"I'll definitely be at the birth as well!"
"Ok, well if I can't be at the birth I'm being the first one there after, and I'll be the first person to hold the baby."
"I'm taking time off school to be at the hospital."
"I'm coming to stay here when the baby is born to hold the baby all the time because I want it to love me the most."
"If your mum and dad are going to be going to the hospital first I'll stay with them while you're in labour so I can come with them and be first."

...I mean I obviously am delighted he's so excited about the baby!! But also - it's my first baby, I'm apprehensive about the labour, and I know I am going to want some time with baby, DH, and my mum and dad, who I'm very close to, before having the baby apparently hogged by DSS?

Am I being hormonal / mental / unreasonable? I know he's only 13, and excited!! But I feel like all of these are demands / statements rather than requests, and he does have previous for being a wee stroppy git when he doesn't get his way. (So does get his way a LOT!)

I'm thinking of waiting til nearer the time and speaking to DH about it lightly, (and possibly DSS?!) just to remind them that while it's his first baby brother or sister, it's also my first baby, and my parents first grandchild, I'll have been through a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll need a little bit of time with my own support system first - and then of course I'll obviously happily spend the next visiting cooing over DSS with LO!

DH is trying to manage expectation a little I think, and did say that DSS couldn't be at the birth but could possibly stay with my parents to be first on the scene... but I just think I'd like some time with baby, DH and my parents before DSS arrives, as my impression so far is his excitement will make him very possessive over cuddles etc! And I obviously do want DSS to have time with baby without feeling like cuddles need to be shared round with my parents, and vice versa.

Also I know it's going to be carnage at the beginning with a new baby... and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am. So the thought of him moving in full time at probably the most stressful time ever is giving me the fear!

Does anyone have any experience of managing a similar situation? I'm not sure if me and my hormones are blowing this a bit out of proportion or not, or if it needs a little nip in the bud early on!

I think he is scared about not being no1 in his father’s life anymore and is trying to find a way to be at the centre of the new baby’s life to ensure he is still in the mix - at a subconscious level. He sounds very insecure.

OP I do understand why you are thinking in this way, I really do, but it think your DSSs behaviour is a result of him being concerned he will be less of a priority and may feel left out.

I do think it’s a bit strange that a sibling won’t be the first to meet the baby. And I can understand why he wants to be.

One potential idea. Could your parents visit when your DH goes to pick up DSS? So they’ve been and gone when DSS gets there? You’ll get to see your Mum and he will probably be none the wiser.

@bogoffmda

Am with Twinsandtrifles on this one.

It will happen as it does and he will be fine - keeping him away for days because it is not your 50% time would not be clever but you have not so far suggested that. The family dynamic is going to change massively and he is going to find it difficult enough as it is - allow him some dreams.

It is so good he is excited, my 13 yr old would barely raise an eyebrow with interest.

You do get the feeling SDCs can not win on the new baby front on this forum

@bogoffmda Yeah, I'm not at all suggesting keeping him away for days!!... I'd just like the option of an hour or two with just my parents at the hospital before DSS appears banging down the door because that's what he's decided!

@aSofaNearYou

I think most people would say that siblings are at least as important as grandparents so definitely wouldn't say that. (Maternal grandma in this case is a birth partner and female so would see baby first for those reasons not because she trumps sibling)

Yes, but the grandparents often visit primarily to see their child, who has just given birth, and to offer support for them. That is why they take priority, not because they are more important than siblings. Because that early on making sure the mother is alright is the priority.

👆👆 This is exactly what I mean.

I want my parents there for me! Yes, to see the baby, but it's not about them seeing the baby first, it's about me seeing them first and them seeing me first, after a huge life event where I know I will need them.

I do think it’s a bit strange that a sibling won’t be the first to meet the baby.
I don't.

Your child's birth is about you and your child. It is ok to make sure you are supported how you want.

I'm laughing at your idea @aSofaNearYou that grandparents visit "primarily" to visit their own child, rather than the grandchild. Obviously that's an equal part of it, but it's not the priority reason.

OP you're a stepmother whose SC lives with you 50% of the time. That means you do have some responsibility for the wellbeing of your SS. He'll be your baby's sibling and the baby will be part of your and SC's family together.

He's a kid, let him have the first short visit in the hospital with you and the baby and then get your parents in.

My SC was the same age when my DC1 was born and if she'd asked to be the first to see the baby, I would have told her of course. But she didn't need to ask.

Be delighted he is interested by son of a similar age is dreading having a half sibling and all that entails. He sees no benefits whatsoever and one sees it as having to share his dad and be edged out.

So i think at 13 with his positive vibes i'd roll
With it and say yes dear a lot and agree boundaries in private with DH

OP you're a stepmother whose SC lives with you 50% of the time. That means you do have some responsibility for the wellbeing of your SS

No she doesn't.

@DuchessDarty

I'm laughing at your idea *@aSofaNearYou* that grandparents visit "primarily" to visit their own child, rather than the grandchild. Obviously that's an equal part of it, but it's not the priority reason.

OP you're a stepmother whose SC lives with you 50% of the time. That means you do have some responsibility for the wellbeing of your SS. He'll be your baby's sibling and the baby will be part of your and SC's family together.

He's a kid, let him have the first short visit in the hospital with you and the baby and then get your parents in.

My SC was the same age when my DC1 was born and if she'd asked to be the first to see the baby, I would have told her of course. But she didn't need to ask.

Eeerm what's funny about that? I had an emergency C Section, my parents were worried sick about me. Yes of course they were excited to meet the baby but they came early out of concern for me. And them being there was a help, rather than an added stress at that time. It's obviously not that laughable a concept as OP wants her DM as a birth partner!

What is a bit laughable is suggesting that him not being in the room, the first to hold him and generally allowed free reign on the basis of him being a sibling constitutes not showing responsibility for their wellbeing. I'm not saying he needs to wait a long time before meeting them, just that he will be brought in as and when it is appropriate. It may be appropriate for her mum/parents to be there first, possibly while she is still birthing or cleaning up. That is not a slight to DSS.

My DSD was 13 when my DS was born. We invited her to the hospital in the evening after he was born in the morning.
(Her mum brought her over and popped in too!)
My DSD said she was going to do all sorts with my DS. She did very few of them!!

@newmammastepmamma as cliché as it is, if dss was you actual child would you be considering him not being the first one in for cuddles and to meet his baby brother?

I think you need to rethink some of your choices here. I fully support that him being at the birth is ridiculous and non negotiable. But I do think prioritising everyone else you view as "yours" over him is a very dangerous course of action. You risk alienating him, pushing him out and creating a much bigger problem.

What does you dp think about it as ultimately this is also his decision

That should say his decision too

I don't think you're wrong to want some space after the birth but I'm not surprised DSS hasn't thought of it.

When I was a kid and my friends parents were having a new baby a lot of the talk from adults was all about how wonderful it was for the child. Adults seems to worry so much about them dealing with a new sibling that they make all very child-centric. Even at 13, he's only going to be thinking about himself, he's not going to have any concept of what you're going through.

OP my maternity hospital had the rule that only the children of the mother could visit the baby in hospital. Every other visitor had to be over 16.

So I suggest you check your maternity hospital rules about visitors. If they rule similar then your parents will be your first visitors and when you get home your DSS can meet the baby as per his normal contact arrangement.

Also I know from my DD and some friends' DC their older half-siblings were disappointed when their newborn sibling came home. It was only after a couple of months when the baby was more responsive did they find interacting with the baby fun.

My DSS left school early when I have birth to my DD. He was 14, so a very similar age to your DSS. I was still in birthing suite or whatever it is called, and do you know what. It was perfect. He popped in (his mum brought him) and had some lovely newborn cuddles whilst I had some tea and they're some of the most amazing photos I've got from that day. He stayed around 30 mins and then left me to get some rest. He's now 22 and still talks about that day with his little sister. I know you're worried. But please don't exclude him.

[quote Terminallysleepdeprived]@newmammastepmamma as cliché as it is, if dss was you actual child would you be considering him not being the first one in for cuddles and to meet his baby brother?

I think you need to rethink some of your choices here. I fully support that him being at the birth is ridiculous and non negotiable. But I do think prioritising everyone else you view as "yours" over him is a very dangerous course of action. You risk alienating him, pushing him out and creating a much bigger problem.

What does you dp think about it as ultimately this is also his decision[/quote]
Yes I would! I honestly don't encounter this obsession with siblings being first to meet the baby outside of MN. To me it is romanticizing something that does not need to be sentimental. It doesn't matter who is first through the door. The sibling relationship is not threatened by grandparents.

But please don't exclude him.
Please don't try to say that waiting until she is ready is the same as excluding him.

I don't know why you're getting worked up about it.. Just enjoy your pregnancy.

What does you dp think about it as ultimately this is also his decision
Ultimately this is exclusively the decision of the woman who has just given birth.

Your baby is very lucky to have somebody waiting who already loves him so much. Don't underestimate that.

Your child has the chance to have a very close relationship with an older brother who absolutely dotes on them. I would be delighted with that.

And remember this is this little souls family. It's his sibling. He does take priority over your parents. Give him his place.

Apart fro the fact that I think he's in the right here, I also think that if you decided to make a stand here and sideline him, it could have very negative consequences all round.

Obviously don't have him at the birth. He probably has no idea how gory it is going to be; just laugh that off and tell him no way and that he'll understand when he's older.

OP you are going to be a first time mum. It's your choice who you see first . MN treats step mothers as second class citizens. Believes that just because their partner has previously had a child then you are not permitted the normal rights of a first time mum.

See EXACTLY who you wish in whatever order YOU wish depending how YOU feel. In the exact same way as any other FTM.

If that means DH then your parents and then your dss then so be it.

Personally your DSS sounds horrendously immature . The type of things he is demanding are very strange for his age. I mean this kindly.. but does DSS have any SEN ? If this is the case then careful handling is required. If not then his parents need to start doing some parenting !

Apart fro the fact that I think he's in the right here, I also think that if you decided to make a stand here and sideline him, it could have very negative consequences all round
What about the negative consequences to OP of having to tolerate visitors whether she wants or is ready for them, apparently regardless of what kind of birth and baby she may have, because despite being the person who actually gave birth she's being told that her feelings aren't paramount even then!
OP gets to be priority at her own child's birth. Nobody is sidelined by respecting and understanding this.

*Please, making a simple sandwich is for 3 year olds.

One of mine was doing cordon bleu at 4.*

Mine are only a rage so cereal and sandwiches at that age lol

"And remember this is this little souls family. It's his sibling. He does take priority over your parents. Give him his place. "

Absolutely not this ^

You take priority OP. Anything you want takes priority. If you want your parents first, that's absolutely fine. Your SC doesn't get to dictate your birth plans! Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Also I say that from the position of a SC who met my step sister at home, the day after she was born and was thrilled (at a similar age to your SC). Gave mum the time to recover and made it super exciting for me to come home to a new sibling!