Managing DSS excitement for new baby

[newmammastepmamma]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby (LO).

I also have a 13yo DSS, who lives with us 50% of the week.

I generally have a really good relationship with DSS - though he obviously has his moments, as do I! And he's been pestering DH and I to have another DC for a number of years, so he's ecstatic about the new addition and can't wait to meet him / her. I love him to bits, and love to see him - but also have to admit as a stepmum that I do also enjoy the 50% of the week he's at his mums!

My issue is that I'm already starting to feel a bit possessive of my LO... particularly as DSS has started to make assertions / demands about the baby and what is going to happen when / after the baby is born.

A few comments just this week include:
"I'll definitely be at the birth as well!"
"Ok, well if I can't be at the birth I'm being the first one there after, and I'll be the first person to hold the baby."
"I'm taking time off school to be at the hospital."
"I'm coming to stay here when the baby is born to hold the baby all the time because I want it to love me the most."
"If your mum and dad are going to be going to the hospital first I'll stay with them while you're in labour so I can come with them and be first."

...I mean I obviously am delighted he's so excited about the baby!! But also - it's my first baby, I'm apprehensive about the labour, and I know I am going to want some time with baby, DH, and my mum and dad, who I'm very close to, before having the baby apparently hogged by DSS?

Am I being hormonal / mental / unreasonable? I know he's only 13, and excited!! But I feel like all of these are demands / statements rather than requests, and he does have previous for being a wee stroppy git when he doesn't get his way. (So does get his way a LOT!)

I'm thinking of waiting til nearer the time and speaking to DH about it lightly, (and possibly DSS?!) just to remind them that while it's his first baby brother or sister, it's also my first baby, and my parents first grandchild, I'll have been through a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll need a little bit of time with my own support system first - and then of course I'll obviously happily spend the next visiting cooing over DSS with LO!

DH is trying to manage expectation a little I think, and did say that DSS couldn't be at the birth but could possibly stay with my parents to be first on the scene... but I just think I'd like some time with baby, DH and my parents before DSS arrives, as my impression so far is his excitement will make him very possessive over cuddles etc! And I obviously do want DSS to have time with baby without feeling like cuddles need to be shared round with my parents, and vice versa.

Also I know it's going to be carnage at the beginning with a new baby... and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am. So the thought of him moving in full time at probably the most stressful time ever is giving me the fear!

Does anyone have any experience of managing a similar situation? I'm not sure if me and my hormones are blowing this a bit out of proportion or not, or if it needs a little nip in the bud early on!

I think you sound a lovely step mum. And no, it's not unreasonable to let your parents have a quiet couple of hours first. Might there be an elegant solution whereby you don't publicly share the time of delivery?

He's 13, he probably won't know how long labour takes (nor may you!) - say the baby's born at 2, your parents could see their new grandchild for a couple of hours, slip away quietly and your stepson is invited to visit at 4.30 or whatever. That way, maybe everyone gets their moment.

Why is there an obsession with siblings or half siblings seeing a new baby first.
Do people really pull kids out of school or keep them home, just so they get first sight of new baby?
I mean literally what happens... Op goes into labour at 2am...dp goes to hospital with her... Dss is at his mum's... Does dp leave labouring op to go get Dss before school and bring him back to hospital to sit and wait...??
Meanwhile op is labouring away... What if this 13yr old who cannot use a toilet without supervision needs food or a drink or the loo?
Labour goes on for more than a day?
Who is looking after Dss???
Really... What on earth is wrong with dp being with op until baby arrives, everyone cleaned up, OK, had tea and toast... Then he can go and fetch his son.. To visit new sibling.
OP parents can have come in too by then..
Its not a bloody competition..
Not that long ago siblings wouldn't have been allowed to visit end off... Mothers came home from hospital with new baby... You got home from school and new baby was there.

Hmmm, my children have always been super excited when a new brother or sister arrives and we’ve encouraged that. That is normal and nice behaviour on the part of your dss. In the nicest way possible and bearing in mind the hormones that will be swirling around right now, don’t overly worry about it and try to include dss as much as you can or are comfortable with. Ultimately he is
Just a child going through a massive life change as well

[quote Terminallysleepdeprived]@newmammastepmamma as cliché as it is, if dss was you actual child would you be considering him not being the first one in for cuddles and to meet his baby brother?

I think you need to rethink some of your choices here. I fully support that him being at the birth is ridiculous and non negotiable. But I do think prioritising everyone else you view as "yours" over him is a very dangerous course of action. You risk alienating him, pushing him out and creating a much bigger problem.

What does you dp think about it as ultimately this is also his decision[/quote]
I really find some of the responses on here so bizarre, and I'm not sure if it is the MN stepparent thing or not?

@Terminallysleepdeprived I'm not prioritising everyone I see as "mine" over him. I call him my DSS, despite me and his father not being married, I've been in his life since he was 5 and he lives with me 50% of the year. We have a good relationship, and he is part of my family. I'm just wanting to prioritise myself, at what I'm anticipating to be a time of great vulnerability and need, for a couple of hours at most.

I have a huge, very close family, and also close friends, who will be clambering over each other to visit and see the new baby. I'm not suggesting for a second they should be prioritised over DSS. Just that at the actual birth of my first child and while I'm still recovering in hospital, his wants and demands are not my number one priority and he might need to wait a few hours longer than he'd like 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly believe if he was my biological child I'd feel the same. I want to be sure I have the support I need first, before I can support and facilitate visits. I view my parents as part of my immediate support network, so I'd want to see them right away regardless of what state I'm in physically or emotionally. The same can't be said for a 13 year old boy?

@Terminallysleepdeprived Also ultimately it's not my DP's decision, it's mine? I'm the one in hospital giving birth. DP doesn't even have the right himself to be at the birth or visit me himself, he's there at my invitation as I'm the patient 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know it's a few weeks away but Covid might yet interfere with the best laid visiting plans (fingers crossed it doesn't of course).

@yourestandingonmyneck Please don't misunderstand me, I know I (and this baby!) are really lucky to have a DSS who's so excited, and I am trying hard to foster this in terms of their relationship - talking already about how he can teach baby things, helping pick things out, being part of name discussions, etc. I'm not at all sidelining him.

BUT....

"And remember this is this little souls family. It's his sibling. He does take priority over your parents. Give him his place."

...he doesn't take priority over me, while I'm in hospital, surely? 😂 I'm not trying to give my parents a first viewing of the baby, I'm saying after I give birth I will want to see my parents before I take any other visitors - we are very close, and I feel like I'll need the support immediately after delivery of my first born child. I didn't think this was hugely unreasonable or alienating - and I actually didn't think this would be particularly contentious! 🙈

Honestly OP, you'll be fine. You don't have the baby then visitors rush in. Do a bit of research. You'll get plenty of time, just you and the baby. Then visitors come. And then they have to leave again.

You're being (understandably) precious first born, but I hope you'll look back at this and see you were worrying about nothing. Because you honestly are

*He is 13 years old.

@bhy123 ❤️ Thank you. Lots of lovely supportive and understanding messages on here as well as the ones I can't get my head around!

Glad it's helped OP. I think it's probably also helpful to remember that visiting hours in hospitals are very restrictive, so this is likely to dictate when people come in, and those that do won't be there long, at least until you get home.

If people come and go it's not really clear who is "the first"anyway. Your parents could visit and then perhaps go and fetch him so it all feels very important. That's what he really wants, to be an important visitor. Which he is.

Perfectly put. This little one is so important to him, and he wants to feel he's showing that (right now, again re-read this one month after birth at how he's aghast at the nappies )

I think he sounds a bit nervous and it is childish immaturity making him say all those things.

Yep. He's got no idea of how a hospital practically works, and this is just how he's imagining the baby which he idolises. When he gets there, he'll do exactly what the hospital says, without a second thought. If that means no one turns up until 11am, and you've had the baby the day before at 9pm, he's not going to be kicking off that he wasn't there. Just that he gets to come as soon as the hospital will let him. And as PP have said, a little white lie, that the visiting hours start at 2, means you can see your mum separately, and he comes for 2, thinking he's the first person to see his amazing little brother.

I am sure you can gently work through this and you can both have your needs met.

I'm sure you will, he sounds like he's going to be an amazing brother, which in no way detracts from you as the mum. Honestly, it makes me feel a bit emotional at the utter elation this boy is showing for this baby. Do everything to maintain this.

My DS13 (12 at the time) as the twins came home: "they're just the best I could have ever wanted"

My DS13 now: "which one of those dribblers has chewed my topgear magazine?!?!?"

Hope it goes well.

As do I, and it will OP. Educate yourself a bit more about the actual hospital procedure after you've given birth and visiting hours, and you'll soon see that it's very focused on you and giving you the time you need.

YANBU, you're not just popping out a new sibling for him, you're giving birth, of course you get to decide who you see and when. Hopefully all being well things will all be fine, but birth is completely unpredictable so you won't know how you're going to feel. It's wonderful DSS is so excited, but sounds like your partner needs to put some boundaries down now, the baby also is not a toy for DSS and he also needs to understand that. Yes include him, give him jobs, but of course he dosen't get to dictate what happens at the birth. Your partners lack of ability to parent his child is going to become a lot more frustrating when you have a newborn. Have that discussion now.

This boggles my head... I had my first baby.. all fab and wonderful. DH there. Few hours later parents arrived to admire new gc. ... move on a couple of years and DC2 arrives ... I give birth with DH there , GP come to the hospital. (Having dropped DC1 back with DH at home. ) .. DH then came with DC1 to collect me and take me home... 4 years later , DC3 arrived . DH again at birth. Older DC AT SCHOOL ... !!!! Because they were SCHOOL AGE .. school mum friend picked them up and kept them until DH got home from hospital. My parents came to hospital to meet GC3 and take us home ..

At no point did my dcs siblings get priority on visits. They weren't considered as they would be LIVING with the baby.. ! I had just pushed a human out of my vagina and unsurprisingly did not want to converse with kids..

No child - not bio child or step child gets priority over the mother who has just birthed. It's absolute woke claptrap. None of mine are traumatised. All are VERY close . (2 Currently flat sharing at Uni despite other options)

Tell your husband that you will let him know IF and WHEN and WHO you choose to have visit. But for me it wouldn't be ANY child. They need to learn patience. !

It would be kind and nice if DSD got to perform some “first” with his new sibling. If he does, it will be a bragging point for him and let him feel close and protective to him/her. Perhaps he could be the one “to give his brother/sister their first present” or (nominally) assist at “their first bath at home.” Or whatever. The task itself probably doesn’t matter as much as long as it feea genuinely important to him. You and
dad can remind him (DSS) of this later and let him feel pride for being so important and helpful. I’ve read threads of stepmoms feeling sad when the stepkids were indifferent or negative about a new baby coming, so sounds like you have an enviable problem.

@TryingToBeLogical that is not needed at all.

The fact that his half-sibling will be the first sibling he has is enough.

I'm saying that as someone who has older half-siblings, as a step-mother whose DD has a older half-sibling, with plenty of friends who have younger half-siblings and friends of different ages who are step-parents.

The toddler years are where children really learnt to bond with each other. The fact that DSS is 13 means that when his sibling is walking he can take them on "trips". By trips I mean anything from taking them round the corner to the local shop, taking them to a playground, taking them to the cinema to see a children's film you also want to see, etc.

@Finknottlesnewt Absolutely agree, great comment.

And remember this is this little souls family. It's his sibling. He does take priority over your parents. Give him his place

And…

It would be kind and nice if DSD got to perform some “first” with his new sibling

These comments are absolutely ridiculous. He’s a kid not visiting royalty!

OP is giving birth to her first child, it’s scary enough without everyone trying to prioritise a child that isn’t hers over her feelings / wants in this situation.

My DD was not the first person to meet her brother. My mum was because I wanted her there for ME. I wanted my mum to comfort me, ask if I was ok, congratulate me etc first.

Then next came my now exILs who were the other grandparents.

Then (shock horror) my DD met DS later in the day when I felt ready to be in a position to comfort her and reassure her too.

Also I don’t care how blunt this sounds either but DSS is not her son and whether people want pretended otherwise if don’t like to hear it but it is very very different being in a state of undress, bleeding or distress in front of your own biological children than in front of your stepchild.

My SCs have never seen me naked or seen my breasts, but my own kids do regularly as I’m not uncomfortable with them doing so.

I would absolutely hate for my SCs to see me immediately post birth for example. I’d want to be composed, cleaned up and comfortable.

There’s literally no reason why he can’t wait until you’re home and come straight over for an hour or two. He doesn’t need to be at the hospital at all IMO.

Also I don’t care how blunt this sounds either but DSS is not her son and whether people want to pretend otherwise or don’t like to hear it but it is very very different being in a state of undress, bleeding or distress in front of your own biological children than in front of your stepchild

Typos

The toddler years are where children really learnt to bond with each other. The fact that DSS is 13 means that when his sibling is walking he can take them on "trips". By trips I mean anything from taking them round the corner to the local shop, taking them to a playground, taking them to the cinema to see a children's film you also want to see, etc. this child is 13 and can’t even flush the toilet or wash his hands or make a simple sandwich. Do people really think that he’s the kind of child you could trust to take a toddler out? Not a chance.

[quote Terminallysleepdeprived]@newmammastepmamma as cliché as it is, if dss was you actual child would you be considering him not being the first one in for cuddles and to meet his baby brother?

I think you need to rethink some of your choices here. I fully support that him being at the birth is ridiculous and non negotiable. But I do think prioritising everyone else you view as "yours" over him is a very dangerous course of action. You risk alienating him, pushing him out and creating a much bigger problem.

What does you dp think about it as ultimately this is also his decision[/quote]
I honestly don't get it. If I had an older child and had just given birth to the new one, I wouldn't take the older one out of school/nursery or whatever just so they could definitely be the first one to meet the newborn.

If it worked out that they were the first then fine, but if they were at school or elsewhere, I would think nothing of my/DP's parents dropping in during the day for a short visit.

I'd expect my older child to be with grandparents, following their normal routine, and for my DH to bring them to meet the baby when we were ready.

but it is very very different being in a state of undress, bleeding or distress in front of your own biological children than in front of your stepchild

What are some if you doing that means any visitors get to see you bleeding? Wandering around the ward with no pants on?

If you’re distressed at the time then just say no visitors. No need to say I won’t have DSS visit just on the off chance I might be distressed. There are many women who give birth and are perfectly well enough for visitors a few hours later.

@NakedAttraction I had 2 very nice labours without complications yet every time I stood up I literally gushed blood for the first 24 hours.
I had knickers and pads on but it leaked when I breastfed or moved, I ended up sitting on those big absorbent pads until the bleeding eased off.

My vagina hurt so much for the following few days that I cried when I peed and I wanted privacy.

OP also didn’t say she didn’t want DSS to visit, just that she wanted a few hours post birth to recuperate and compose herself.

I can’t believe people are even arguing that it’s wrong for her to want this. It’s actually disgusting.

What does your DH want? It makes sense for your DM to see the baby before DSS as she’s a birth partner but not your Dad.