Managing DSS excitement for new baby

[newmammastepmamma]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby (LO).

I also have a 13yo DSS, who lives with us 50% of the week.

I generally have a really good relationship with DSS - though he obviously has his moments, as do I! And he's been pestering DH and I to have another DC for a number of years, so he's ecstatic about the new addition and can't wait to meet him / her. I love him to bits, and love to see him - but also have to admit as a stepmum that I do also enjoy the 50% of the week he's at his mums!

My issue is that I'm already starting to feel a bit possessive of my LO... particularly as DSS has started to make assertions / demands about the baby and what is going to happen when / after the baby is born.

A few comments just this week include:
"I'll definitely be at the birth as well!"
"Ok, well if I can't be at the birth I'm being the first one there after, and I'll be the first person to hold the baby."
"I'm taking time off school to be at the hospital."
"I'm coming to stay here when the baby is born to hold the baby all the time because I want it to love me the most."
"If your mum and dad are going to be going to the hospital first I'll stay with them while you're in labour so I can come with them and be first."

...I mean I obviously am delighted he's so excited about the baby!! But also - it's my first baby, I'm apprehensive about the labour, and I know I am going to want some time with baby, DH, and my mum and dad, who I'm very close to, before having the baby apparently hogged by DSS?

Am I being hormonal / mental / unreasonable? I know he's only 13, and excited!! But I feel like all of these are demands / statements rather than requests, and he does have previous for being a wee stroppy git when he doesn't get his way. (So does get his way a LOT!)

I'm thinking of waiting til nearer the time and speaking to DH about it lightly, (and possibly DSS?!) just to remind them that while it's his first baby brother or sister, it's also my first baby, and my parents first grandchild, I'll have been through a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll need a little bit of time with my own support system first - and then of course I'll obviously happily spend the next visiting cooing over DSS with LO!

DH is trying to manage expectation a little I think, and did say that DSS couldn't be at the birth but could possibly stay with my parents to be first on the scene... but I just think I'd like some time with baby, DH and my parents before DSS arrives, as my impression so far is his excitement will make him very possessive over cuddles etc! And I obviously do want DSS to have time with baby without feeling like cuddles need to be shared round with my parents, and vice versa.

Also I know it's going to be carnage at the beginning with a new baby... and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am. So the thought of him moving in full time at probably the most stressful time ever is giving me the fear!

Does anyone have any experience of managing a similar situation? I'm not sure if me and my hormones are blowing this a bit out of proportion or not, or if it needs a little nip in the bud early on!

Some of the comments on here are so bizarre to me. I did say getting to participate in a “first” would be “kind and nice” for the DSD. My suggestion in no way mentioned him coming to the hospital. The replies to this have categorized the suggestion as “not necessary”, “scary”, “ridiculous”, “royalty”, “prioritizing him over the mom.” FFS, seriously? The OP was ASKING FOR SUGGESTIONS. I made one. But I suppose that’s not the real point or Mumsnet for a lot of people, is it?

Good luck OP, I hope it goes well and you do get some useful suggestions on here since that is what you were looking for.

@NakedAttraction

but it is very very different being in a state of undress, bleeding or distress in front of your own biological children than in front of your stepchild

What are some if you doing that means any visitors get to see you bleeding? Wandering around the ward with no pants on?

If you’re distressed at the time then just say no visitors. No need to say I won’t have DSS visit just on the off chance I might be distressed. There are many women who give birth and are perfectly well enough for visitors a few hours later.

For me it wouldn't necessarily be about my SCs seeing anything like that, but if I am feeling like that then I wouldn't be up for seeing anybody except the people very closest to me. So my DP, my parents and sister.

If I felt fine I wouldn't have an issue at all with them popping in for half an hour to meet the baby but I would never guarantee that they'd be the first people to visit and would be able to visit straight away.

In OP's scenario, I'd just reassure SS that he would meet the baby asap and I was excited for him to meet his brother/sister, and leave it at that.

I wouldn't let him stay with my parents, particularly if my mum was going to be my birth partner as it sounds like he'd be clamouring to get to the hospital asap and I wouldn't be up for that.

My ds 11 is due a baby sibling from his dad in the next couple of weeks. He's been promised the first cuddle and wants to be driven over as soon as he can when he/she arrives. He's so excited so i totally understand your dss.

@Ozanj

What does your DH want? It makes sense for your DM to see the baby before DSS as she’s a birth partner but not your Dad.

Surely whoever is naturally able to meet the baby first just does? It doesn't need to be so political.

So if OP gives birth in the night and her dad comes down in the morning to pick up his wife and have a quick visit, surely it makes total sense that he would do that? Regardless of whether SS has been there first or not.

@TryingToBeLogical I totally understand your sentiment and sorry for quoting you out of context.

It’s just incredibly frustrating on this board that SMs are told they are unfair consistently when they try and take care of their own needs above their SCs even when it directly negatively affects them. The general undertone is SCs should always come first, over and above every other member of the family and it’s all rather ridiculous.

I’m not saying you suggested that, however I don’t see why her DSS is entitled to any of the “firsts” when it’s OP’s first baby. Although some of your suggestions sound nice

Absolutely right, my dad was pacing with his book further down the corridor when I gave birth so of course he got a cuddle before DSD!

@Bibidy I agree with you.
Also, although it might sound harsh I don’t think what her husband wants to happen immediately after she has given birth even matter. OP is the one who will have endured the labour and should decide who visits until she feels comfortable enough to have everyone.

@Youseethethingis my dad was actually in the room with my mum when I have birth to my DD

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Bibidy I agree with you.
Also, although it might sound harsh I don’t think what her husband wants to happen immediately after she has given birth even matter. OP is the one who will have endured the labour and should decide who visits until she feels comfortable enough to have everyone.[/quote]
Yep I agree. OP will be tired, hurting, trying to establish feeding, and just general getting to grips with having a baby.

I think new mothers should always get to call the shots on who visits and when.

And in this case OP is happy for SS to come to the hospital!! She just wants him to calm down a bit and not be bursting through the doors the second she's back on the ward.

DSD really wanted to be first person in, and in hindsight I realise that we were establishing a new little family and she (subconsciously) needed to know she was a central part of that. I’m really glad she was first in, and I think it’s been a crucial element of her brilliant relationship with my DD. It wouldn’t have been my first choice, but it was really important to her (all in hindsight.) It is a massive moment for the DSC and it’s not actually a massive ask.

and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am

You say he is 13yo. If you are having a baby with a man that thinks it’s okay for a 13yo to be up to 2/3am playing games, you have far bigger issues coming than your DSS’s over enthusiastic approach!

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Bibidy I agree with you.
Also, although it might sound harsh I don’t think what her husband wants to happen immediately after she has given birth even matter. OP is the one who will have endured the labour and should decide who visits until she feels comfortable enough to have everyone.[/quote]
I know it’s harsh but nobody is coming to see the OP, just the baby. The DP can bring the baby out to the waiting area to meet stepson really easily and without the OP needing to get involved.

I know it’s harsh but nobody is coming to see the OP, just the baby
That may be true of DSS and any other assorted in-laws, and is precisely why a newly delivered mother might want the people who will be there for her , ie her own parents.
It's not a slight or a hindrance to the the sibling relationship at all.
What's wrong with waiting? What if OP would like to be there to see her child's first cuddle with her sibling? I cried with joy when DSD first held DS - it was bloody amazing and no less so for being the day after he was born and not the moment he exited the womb.

@Ozanj My parents will 100% be there to see me - yes the baby too - but also me. That's why I want to see them first, because they'll also want to look after me and make sure I'm ok and managing ok? And that's why I feel ok seeing them before others - it doesn't matter how vulnerable or emotional or messy I am, I'm ok with my parents being there for that, but no one else.

In the couple of hours after I give birth to my child, I'm pretty sure there will be nothing apart from necessary medical intervention that takes newborn out of my sight - especially not around a hospital waiting area in the middle of a covid pandemic unnecessarily? 🤯🤷🏻‍♀️

And even if I did think that was a decent idea, as @Youseethethingis says, I actually do want to be there when they meet for the first time?! I'm excited for it. I have absolutely no desire to exclude DSS, or be excluded from their meeting!! I just feel I might need a couple of hours respite and would like to see my parents first, that's all! 🙈

@SpongebobNoPants I'd have my dad in too if I was allowed!! I think it's two max though. I'm ridiculously close with my parents, so I'm not sure if that's skewing my view on this or not lol. But delaying seeing them after birth would be a huge ask for me.

[quote newmammastepmamma]@SpongebobNoPants I'd have my dad in too if I was allowed!! I think it's two max though. I'm ridiculously close with my parents, so I'm not sure if that's skewing my view on this or not lol. But delaying seeing them after birth would be a huge ask for me. [/quote]
I think you have a bizarre relationship with your parents if you'd be happy for your dad to be with you in labour

@rainbowandglitter why? My dad was there when I had my daughter?
How sad for you that you’re not that close with your father

I know it’s harsh but nobody is coming to see the OP
This isn’t true in all cases. When I had my children my immediate family were keen to see me and check I was ok too… in fact my brother walked straight past my sleeping newborn to hug me and ask if I was ok and congratulate me before turning his attention to my baby.

I’ve done the same when my friends have given birth.

@TryingToBeLogical Thank you. I think the idea of some kind of first is a good one.

You're right that it's nice and kind to give him some kind of first... I think I'm just a bit sensitive that I might be being unkind by not ensuring his first is "first to see and hold the baby!" But I feel like that's not entirely necessary and quite a big ask for me at a huge life experience.

We're already making sure he's really involved in name discussions etc, and thinking about what to do when baby comes. I'd wanted to get a comforter toy thing for hospital, so we could maybe organise getting that from him, so that even if we do FaceTime or picture before he's there, he can see that baby has the comforter from him? Or something similar!

He'll be involved in plenty of firsts at home I'm sure!!

At lot of his demands actually sound like anxiety and overexcitement to me.
You might find that the novelty wears off a little bit once the baby actually arrives and although he is not a little kid he will still need lots of reassurance that he’s not second best.
I think start clamping down in the gaming and other behaviours now. It needs to be more about “gaming until 2am this is not healthy for you body and mind” rather than “you’ll disturb the baby”.

It sounds like he's trying to find his place in the new dynamic and wants to feel "part of it"

If this was your second child being born you wouldn't want your parents to meet the baby before your own kids would you? To your DSS and DP this time is no different (if you see what I mean?) I don't blame you for not wanting him at the birth though and think that's totally reasonable.

It must be hard for an older sibling of that age to fit in with the new dynamic, especially a half sibling so if it were me I would make a huge effort to make them feel included otherwise they might feel hurt and resentful.

@lobsteroll Honestly, if he was my biological child I'd still want to see my parents first? With him close after!

My parents can support me and make sure I'm ok, where an excitable child I have to be compos mentos enough to engage with and support.

I'm not saying I don't want to see him or he shouldn't be among the first there! Just that I will want to have a couple of hours first and get myself together, rather than him demanding he's immediately first on the scene and throwing a strop if this doesn't happen.

We are already making a huge effort to make him feel included, and he is involved in everything! His expectations just seem to be increasing by the day though 😂

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@rainbowandglitter why? My dad was there when I had my daughter?
How sad for you that you’re not that close with your father [/quote]
I'm sure the majority of women would not want their dad in the labour room. I certainly wouldn't.

@rainbowandglitter I think definitely overexcitement... knowing him I really don't think it's anxiety. He is involved in everything and has been hassling us for a baby brother or sister for about five years! He also has cousins with new half siblings of a similar age gap, and has seen it's not a scary thing and he's not going to lose his place in the family or anything.

The gaming thing... I'm not his mum. His mum and dad don't see an issue with it. I agree it's unhealthy!! But I don't have the authority to stop him doing something his parents are fine with. I do have the authority to stop him doing something affecting my newborn, which is why I've already warned him on that front! 😂 "You'll not be so excited about the baby when you've got a 6pm noise curfew while baby is sleeping!!" But he says he won't care. See how long that lasts!!

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@rainbowandglitter why? My dad was there when I had my daughter?
How sad for you that you’re not that close with your father [/quote]
I've been at over 100 births and never seen or heard of a woman's father being there. It's nothing to do with being close.