Managing DSS excitement for new baby

[newmammastepmamma]

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby (LO).

I also have a 13yo DSS, who lives with us 50% of the week.

I generally have a really good relationship with DSS - though he obviously has his moments, as do I! And he's been pestering DH and I to have another DC for a number of years, so he's ecstatic about the new addition and can't wait to meet him / her. I love him to bits, and love to see him - but also have to admit as a stepmum that I do also enjoy the 50% of the week he's at his mums!

My issue is that I'm already starting to feel a bit possessive of my LO... particularly as DSS has started to make assertions / demands about the baby and what is going to happen when / after the baby is born.

A few comments just this week include:
"I'll definitely be at the birth as well!"
"Ok, well if I can't be at the birth I'm being the first one there after, and I'll be the first person to hold the baby."
"I'm taking time off school to be at the hospital."
"I'm coming to stay here when the baby is born to hold the baby all the time because I want it to love me the most."
"If your mum and dad are going to be going to the hospital first I'll stay with them while you're in labour so I can come with them and be first."

...I mean I obviously am delighted he's so excited about the baby!! But also - it's my first baby, I'm apprehensive about the labour, and I know I am going to want some time with baby, DH, and my mum and dad, who I'm very close to, before having the baby apparently hogged by DSS?

Am I being hormonal / mental / unreasonable? I know he's only 13, and excited!! But I feel like all of these are demands / statements rather than requests, and he does have previous for being a wee stroppy git when he doesn't get his way. (So does get his way a LOT!)

I'm thinking of waiting til nearer the time and speaking to DH about it lightly, (and possibly DSS?!) just to remind them that while it's his first baby brother or sister, it's also my first baby, and my parents first grandchild, I'll have been through a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll need a little bit of time with my own support system first - and then of course I'll obviously happily spend the next visiting cooing over DSS with LO!

DH is trying to manage expectation a little I think, and did say that DSS couldn't be at the birth but could possibly stay with my parents to be first on the scene... but I just think I'd like some time with baby, DH and my parents before DSS arrives, as my impression so far is his excitement will make him very possessive over cuddles etc! And I obviously do want DSS to have time with baby without feeling like cuddles need to be shared round with my parents, and vice versa.

Also I know it's going to be carnage at the beginning with a new baby... and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am. So the thought of him moving in full time at probably the most stressful time ever is giving me the fear!

Does anyone have any experience of managing a similar situation? I'm not sure if me and my hormones are blowing this a bit out of proportion or not, or if it needs a little nip in the bud early on!

Am with Twinsandtrifles on this one.

It will happen as it does and he will be fine - keeping him away for days because it is not your 50% time would not be clever but you have not so far suggested that. The family dynamic is going to change massively and he is going to find it difficult enough as it is - allow him some dreams.

It is so good he is excited, my 13 yr old would barely raise an eyebrow with interest.

You do get the feeling SDCs can not win on the new baby front on this forum

If he's not a patient the he's a visitor
Even fathers are classed as visitors on post natal wards, and there are no special exceptions for step children.

@AcrossthePond55

.....telling him having a baby is very tiring and it's best not to have visitors too early, apart from grandparents

He's not a 'visitor'. He's a sibling.

He is not related to OP though and OP might need a bit of time to feel comfortable when her body has been through that much.

Just becuase you marry someone doesn't mean you will feel 100% comfortable around their children when you are vulnerable.

Don't panic! He knows even less about babies than you do, and many of his excited demands/expectations are so off the wall you don't even need to knock them back. It's just boy-talk. A lot of adolescent boys run their mouths , talking big to cover up their insecurities. Secretly, and he'll never admit this, he's scared the new baby will become the centre of your and DH;s universe, displacing himself. He's trying to compensate by acting like Superbrother, even though he hasn't a clue about childbirth, baby care etc.

When baby is born, I suggest you take the line " Of course we all adore baby, but  I'm so  glad to have my Big Son that I can talk to and

who is such great company and my right hand man".

  You,  DH and your baby, are going to  reap the enormous privilege of having  an adoring older sibling . You can't appreciate it yet but you will  be SO glad to have another pair of arms.lap to hold and cuddle your baby, a built-in   toddler   entertainer and playmate, babysitter one day.   This shared joy and bond   will be the crowning glory  of your  family and home. 

  When baby is born, teach/show DSS everything about  how to look after a baby;  holding, bathing, nappy changes, the lot.  Emphasise to him   that you and he are the beginners learning together   (DH has BTDT  before)  ;  and what a great  skillset  this is for any teenager to learn.

This is a child with 0 boundaries who has clearly never been disciplined in his life.

On one hand it’s good that he is excited about the new baby, but given your DH appears to be incapable of setting any boundaries or saying no to him is very likely to override your wishes here, and there’s a real chance that your DH will bring DSS in just after the birth without consulting you and you’ll feel unable to say no.

You need to talk to your DH and tell him that while you know that DSS is excited, You do not want DSS to be under the impression he will be taking over because it’s not going to happen.

When my eXH’ partner gave birth she stayed in overnight and neither DS or her DC saw the baby until she came home from hospital the next day.

This isn’t a 5 year old who needs gentle explanation, it’s a teenager who needs telling straight that the answer is no.

And your DH needs to A, teach him some basic hygiene, prior to cooking the dinner, and B, knock the gaming on the head now, because in a couple of years time he is going to be 15/16 with teenage hormones everywhere and if he’s never been told no then you’re going to have a hell of a difficult teenager on your hands.

And your DH should start with his DS, because if he doesn’t then it’s very clear you’re going to be the one doing all the parenting of this baby.

I think people are naive if they think this child is going to be a lovely older sibling.

He’s 13 and has been babied his whole life. Even the OP says “he’s not old enough to wash his hands or flush the toilet,” he can’t even make a sandwich and is up gaming and shouting until 3 in the morning.

this is a 13 year old, not a toddler. All the big brother talk isn’t going to fly with a teenager. He’s old enough to be told straight that while it’s lovely he’s happy about the baby, he’s not going to be getting his own way, and it’s time he got his act together with regards to his own hygiene and the way he’s living.

FFS this is a child who could be off to uni in 5 years time. Who in 3 years time will be old enough to consent to sex, and he still doesn’t wash his hands or flush the toilet? Good god.

.....telling him having a baby is very tiring and it's best not to have visitors too early, apart from grandparents

I think most people would say that siblings are at least as important as grandparents so definitely wouldn't say that. (Maternal grandma in this case is a birth partner and female so would see baby first for those reasons not because she trumps sibling)

@AcrossthePond55

.....telling him having a baby is very tiring and it's best not to have visitors too early, apart from grandparents

He's not a 'visitor'. He's a sibling.

Everybody is a visitor except the mum herself!! She has done the work, she dictates who she wants around.

I also 'visited' my sister in hospital when she was newborn too....it's not an insult. But I was visiting my mum and sister until they came home.

I agree that dss is going to be a massive pain in the arse when trying to get the baby to sleep (I know how loud teens can get with gaming headsets on) or being asked to wash his hands before holding his sibling.

I predict lots of moaning when it's not like he imagined- smelly nappies, friends on the other side of the headset asking questions when they can hear crying but this is because his parents are crap and have babied him. It will be interesting to see what your h thinks when his second child overtakes their older sibling within 4 years and does stuff like wash their hands or make a simple meal like a sandwich.

PS. OP, it's nice that he's pleased and excited, but I'd say just sort a plan out with your DP about when you'd expect DSS to meet the baby and then tell him what that is.

Personally I wouldn't agree to him staying with your parents. Your baby might not even be born on his week with you, it might be born when he is with his mum.

I'd say that when you go into labour he goes back to his mum's (if applicable, he may already be there obvs) and then his dad can collect him and bring him to meet the baby the next day, after school or whatever.

I think most people would say that siblings are at least as important as grandparents so definitely wouldn't say that. (Maternal grandma in this case is a birth partner and female so would see baby first for those reasons not because she trumps sibling)

Yes, but the grandparents often visit primarily to see their child, who has just given birth, and to offer support for them. That is why they take priority, not because they are more important than siblings. Because that early on making sure the mother is alright is the priority.

He sounds young for his years.

@maddiemookins16mum

He sounds young for his years.

Yes I was thinking that.

Youwill just have to be sensible, and slightly curtail some of the things that your DSS has planned to do, it will probably all work out fine when the time arrives.

I never wanted any hassle giving birth, was supposed to have my late Husband with me, but after being in labour for 48 hours, he kept falling asleep in the room, and then decided to go into town for a meal, He then went back home to check on our dog,and fell asleep, and didn't wake up till next day, and missed the birth.. He later rushed in to see our new Son who was almost a day old then.

I can totally understand where you’re coming from and would likely feel the same. However my DD (age 12) became a big sister for the first time last year (exh and wife) and I was really pleased that they made sure dd was the first person to meet the new baby. They even let dd tell both sets of grandparents about the pregnancy which I thought was lovely as it was her step mums first baby.

I think the best thing to do would be to manage his expectations (as you would if he was your own child) and let him be there but make it clear to him that your parents etc want time with the baby too. At 13 he should understand that.

Yes he doesn’t sound like any 13 year old old boy I know, and I have one.

Oh and my DSD was the first to meet both my babies (her siblings), of course she was. Unlike our parents, DSD was the only other person besides us who was both going to live with DC and had the biggest genetic link to them.

Lots of good thoughts on the thread. Just thought I'd share a memory that's come to mind reading it.

When I was a medical student doing my time on labour ward, an older mum came in who had two teenagers. She had made all her plans and was determined that they should be present at the delivery in the hope of thoroughly deterring them from any risk of becoming teenage parents. When it came to it though, she didn't want them there till after. And these were her own children not step-children.

@maddiemookins16mum

He sounds young for his years.

Agreed. And I feel like some responses are acting like he is in primary school - but he’s a teenager. Very different.

@TotorosCatBus

I agree that dss is going to be a massive pain in the arse when trying to get the baby to sleep (I know how loud teens can get with gaming headsets on) or being asked to wash his hands before holding his sibling.

I predict lots of moaning when it's not like he imagined- smelly nappies, friends on the other side of the headset asking questions when they can hear crying but this is because his parents are crap and have babied him. It will be interesting to see what your h thinks when his second child overtakes their older sibling within 4 years and does stuff like wash their hands or make a simple meal like a sandwich.

Please, making a simple sandwich is for 3 year olds.

One of mine was doing cordon bleu at 4.

My dss was 10 when dd was born (dad was nearly 8) and was exactly the same as your dss over the idea of coming to the birth...although sex Ed and youtubing one born every minute soon put him off!

Honestly you are over thinking git. He is excited. It will die down once he gets his head round it. But don't discourage him. Revel in his excitement.

Involve him in stuff he can help with, nappies, clothes selection, nursery decorating, pram chosing (make sure handles go low enough for him to push etc). Teach him to cook or at least make a cup of tea.

@GameSetMatch

DSS should definitely be the first to hold the baby and be the first to visit when the baby is born I totally agree with him! I think YABU and you sound a little jealous to be honest. I can’t see the problem with anything DSS has said (apart from being at the birth) he should get more cuddle time etc than your parents.

@GameSetMatch Why? Genuinely interested to understand your logic here, particularly in that I sound jealous? Is that of DSS?

Me giving birth to my first child surely shouldn't be about what my (teenage) DSS has decided is ideal for him, much as I love him. That's not what giving birth is about, it's a significant medical procedure and to be honest something I'm already quite daunted by.

I'll be in hospital, having just delivered a child, feeling physically and emotionally vulnerable and looking for my own support system. DSS, again, much as I love him, of course isn't part of my support system, in fact quite the opposite - I'll have to (and want to!) support him and cater to his needs for his first meeting with his sibling, and also be careful of the baby's needs in terms of making DSS hand wash / hold correctly etc.

I'm not talking about banning him from the hospital, just would like the option of giving myself a bit of time to settle and seeing my parents / squaring myself a bit before ANY other visitors - including DSS. Of course DSS could then be there before others. Do you not see the issue with DSS dictating statements / demands about this rather than requests?

To be honest though I also don't understand why you feel he should get "more cuddle time" than others... am I supposed to time this to facilitate? Is he supposed to have more cuddle time than me or DH? Should grandparents get more or less cuddle time than aunts / uncles - should we have a family tree hierarchy of cuddle time? I'm being facetious, but I really don't get the comment!

Reading this, your DSS excessive enthusiasm seems more like rising panic and a desperation to ensure he isnt left out or forgotten once there's a sibling. Maybe have that conversation and he will calm down?

Maybe take the emphasis off first visitor, explain to him why that can be unpredictable, and offer something you can control - first photo for social media/ to send to friends if you're not into social media will be the four of you. So when you're up to the photo, he's first in? Nobody else involved needs that reassurance but sounds like he might. It will give him a fixed point to look forward to.

@AcrossthePond55

.....telling him having a baby is very tiring and it's best not to have visitors too early, apart from grandparents

He's not a 'visitor'. He's a sibling.

@AcrossthePond55 I'd agree with other PP's here, and I'm glad others have got there before me - to me everyone in the hospital, particularly when I've just given birth, is a visitor. Including DH!!

DH is not entitled to be there because he is baby's dad, he is there at my invitation to be my birth partner and help support me through labour.

Totally agree that DSS is not a visitor at home, but that's not at all what I'm talking about.