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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Managing DSS excitement for new baby

161 replies

newmammastepmamma · 14/07/2021 14:13

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby (LO).

I also have a 13yo DSS, who lives with us 50% of the week.

I generally have a really good relationship with DSS - though he obviously has his moments, as do I! And he's been pestering DH and I to have another DC for a number of years, so he's ecstatic about the new addition and can't wait to meet him / her. I love him to bits, and love to see him - but also have to admit as a stepmum that I do also enjoy the 50% of the week he's at his mums!

My issue is that I'm already starting to feel a bit possessive of my LO... particularly as DSS has started to make assertions / demands about the baby and what is going to happen when / after the baby is born.

A few comments just this week include:
"I'll definitely be at the birth as well!"
"Ok, well if I can't be at the birth I'm being the first one there after, and I'll be the first person to hold the baby."
"I'm taking time off school to be at the hospital."
"I'm coming to stay here when the baby is born to hold the baby all the time because I want it to love me the most."
"If your mum and dad are going to be going to the hospital first I'll stay with them while you're in labour so I can come with them and be first."

...I mean I obviously am delighted he's so excited about the baby!! But also - it's my first baby, I'm apprehensive about the labour, and I know I am going to want some time with baby, DH, and my mum and dad, who I'm very close to, before having the baby apparently hogged by DSS?

Am I being hormonal / mental / unreasonable? I know he's only 13, and excited!! But I feel like all of these are demands / statements rather than requests, and he does have previous for being a wee stroppy git when he doesn't get his way. (So does get his way a LOT!)

I'm thinking of waiting til nearer the time and speaking to DH about it lightly, (and possibly DSS?!) just to remind them that while it's his first baby brother or sister, it's also my first baby, and my parents first grandchild, I'll have been through a lot, and I'm pretty sure I'll need a little bit of time with my own support system first - and then of course I'll obviously happily spend the next visiting cooing over DSS with LO!

DH is trying to manage expectation a little I think, and did say that DSS couldn't be at the birth but could possibly stay with my parents to be first on the scene... but I just think I'd like some time with baby, DH and my parents before DSS arrives, as my impression so far is his excitement will make him very possessive over cuddles etc! And I obviously do want DSS to have time with baby without feeling like cuddles need to be shared round with my parents, and vice versa.

Also I know it's going to be carnage at the beginning with a new baby... and DSS is loud and regularly up making noise and playing games til 2-3am. So the thought of him moving in full time at probably the most stressful time ever is giving me the fear!

Does anyone have any experience of managing a similar situation? I'm not sure if me and my hormones are blowing this a bit out of proportion or not, or if it needs a little nip in the bud early on!

OP posts:
Tiredoftattler · 14/07/2021 15:29

OP, keep in mind that the sibling anticipation is possibly going to wane when he realizes how uninteresting a new born can be. My older child as quite excited prior to the birth, the reality of a sibling who only ate, slept, and pooped was quite a let down.

Once the baby is here, the experience will move quickly from fantasy to reality. That will likely resolve many of the issues.

TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 15:36

Ok. I completely get what you're saying. But you're taking a child's fantasy as scripture.

"I'll be the first to hold him, I'll do this, I'll do that"

And you answer, "of course you will, he can't wait to meet you too!" Reinforce all this positivity that you have been lucky enough to receive.

And know, that the reality is, he will see the tiny baby, get a bit overwhelmed, not know what to do, be scared he might break it, understand that the baby is sleeping and can't be held right now.

My DC 13 before the twins were born. His first siblings. "Oh my goooooood I get a brother and a sister all at once, I'm going to carry them, I'm going to play with with them, I get to hold them first, I'm going to look after them, I'm going to do everything, they're MY brother and sister"

My DC 13 approximately two weeks in "Do they cry like this forever? Gaaaaargh one of them stinks!"

And he didn't get to hold them first. The nurses did. Then DH. Then me. Then a few more nurses. Then, later, when children are allowed in visiting hours, DS arrived and got a bit creeped out by the clipped umbilical cords, and didn't want to pick either up Grin He did take a load of photos and cry though Halo

Let the boy have his dream. Because it's gorgeous he thinks like this. It truly is. How lucky you little one is to have him and his love on top of yours. And feel reassured that he won't take anything away from your experience, because his dream isn't the reality of how it actually all happens.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 14/07/2021 15:47

I most definitely wanted my mum to visit me before stepson.
So don't feel bad about that OP.
Am sure the novelty will wear off but his demands are just excitement although prob not a bad idea to tell him now they might not all be possible. He may even feel a bit insecure so plenty of reassurance is probably needed.
Good luck and congrats!

aSofaNearYou · 14/07/2021 15:50

YANBU OP. Your husband needs to do some groundwork impressing upon him that childbirth, whilst exciting, also puts enormous strain on the mother and can be unpredictable. Tell him that of course he will be involved and early on, but it may be all hands on deck and it's impossible to guarantee who will be the first to hold him etc, it will be based on whatever you need/whatever happens during the birth. Tell him that these "firsts" aren't important and he will be the baby's brother regardless.

As an aside, I would also use this to tackle the issue of him being up shouting til 3 in the morning. That shouldn't be happening anyway, but you can use the fact that this will be a huge no no when the baby is born as a tool to get him to stop doing this. He won't be able to stay more at the time if he can't grow out of this behaviour.

Youseethethingis · 14/07/2021 15:51

If the woman who has just given birth wants her mum then that's who she should get!
The only message that should be sending the lad is the he is not OPs mum Grin
He will need to be carefully managed at the time as the immediate post partum period is not the time for hyperactive teenage boys to be given free reign.
Once everything has all been tidied up and all is calm I'd let him have at it though! It sounds like your baby is very lucky OP Smile

GameSetMatch · 14/07/2021 15:51

DSS should definitely be the first to hold the baby and be the first to visit when the baby is born I totally agree with him!
I think YABU and you sound a little jealous to be honest. I can’t see the problem with anything DSS has said (apart from being at the birth) he should get more cuddle time etc than your parents.

TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 15:54

I agree with PP about letting him choose a special teddy to bring.

Let him be excited, this might be the only time he ever experiences this. And this lovely little bubble, will burst (to a large extent), when the reality of crying and nappies and "shhhh the babies sleeping" and the fact that a newborn, actually, does bugger all than eat, sleep and poop!

Half the stuff he's excited about, isn't going to happen, in the reality of birth. But let him discover that for himself. Don't put a dampener on it now. He'll be so excited on the day, he won't even notice that the baby was born at 7am and his visiting hour starts at 12. Don't tell him he's got to probably wait 5 hours now.

Honestly, reinforce this massively.

Youseethethingis · 14/07/2021 15:55

Should have said - My mum was there when I gave birth, my dad was first through the door when I was decent ish again and DSD visited the next day with MIL.
DSD and DS utterly adore each other and the damage to me of my mum not being there (she was rubbing DHs back in case he fainted Grin) is far outweighed by the compete non issue of DSD not being first to hold him.

MouldyPotato · 14/07/2021 15:55

@GameSetMatch

DSS should definitely be the first to hold the baby and be the first to visit when the baby is born I totally agree with him! I think YABU and you sound a little jealous to be honest. I can’t see the problem with anything DSS has said (apart from being at the birth) he should get more cuddle time etc than your parents.
Why? There's no reason he has to be first. He is 13 so old enough to learn that OPs needs come first when she has just given birth and if she needs a bit of space and some time with her own parents that's fine. As for "he should get more cuddle time etc than your parents" again why? Should they get a stopwatch out to ensure he gets more time?! This is so bizarre.
TotorosCatBus · 14/07/2021 15:55

I think DSS needs gently reminding that giving birth involves naked vaginas and blood and stuff so he wouldn't want to be there until everything was all cleaned up.

aSofaNearYou · 14/07/2021 15:56

@GameSetMatch

DSS should definitely be the first to hold the baby and be the first to visit when the baby is born I totally agree with him! I think YABU and you sound a little jealous to be honest. I can’t see the problem with anything DSS has said (apart from being at the birth) he should get more cuddle time etc than your parents.
DSS should definitely be the first one to hold him? Really, not the nurses, or the mother for skin to skin time, or the father? I don't think it's at all jealous to not think that, that's not an established tradition in the slightest.
BlankTimes · 14/07/2021 15:58

My DSS is not old enough to remember to flush the toilet or wash his hands, never mind cook an evening meal!!

Shock He is 13 years old. Envy

TotorosCatBus · 14/07/2021 16:03

I know it's not your issue to deal with but I agree that someone who won't wash their hands shouldn't be al over a newborn.

I'd be getting your h to work on that pronto. 2 and 3 year olds manage to do it

Theredjellybean · 14/07/2021 16:04

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, why should he be first to visit and hold baby?
When I had dd2, dd1 was in school, my parents came to hospital, saw me and dd2, then my husband went to pick up dd1 at normal time and brought her to visit.
18 yrs later no one seems scarred by this.
Dss sounds lovely but also as if he is a toddler... Used to dictating how the family operates.
Firstly he could be in school or at his mother's the day you have the baby.
I would be discussing with dh.. Exactly how this is going to play out... And then he tells Dss... Dss does not get to make demands.
Does he think his dad is going to leave you mid Labour yo go get him out of double French to bring him back to hospital just so he can be first to see baby?
Also what happens if you go into labour when he is with you and its middle of the night? What is the plan then?... I'd be doing serious thinking as that scenario will have this little dictator coming along and into labour suite... As your dh seems incapable of putting parenting boundaries in place

GameSetMatch · 14/07/2021 16:05

Well obviously the nurse and the babies parents will hold him first 🙄 I meant first visitor to hold baby I didn’t think I’d need to be that specific!

aSofaNearYou · 14/07/2021 16:05

@GameSetMatch

Well obviously the nurse and the babies parents will hold him first 🙄 I meant first visitor to hold baby I didn’t think I’d need to be that specific!
Why is it important that he hold the baby before OPs parents?
ScaryHairyMcClary · 14/07/2021 16:06

He sounds a bit worried to me. Almost like he’s being overly enthusiastic to make sure he isn’t shut out. I would make sure your dh is giving him plenty of reassurance.

Maggiesfarm · 14/07/2021 16:09

Aw bless him.

Of course it would be inappropriate for him to attend the birth but it's great that he is so enthusiastic.

There's no reason why you can't have a little time on your own with your baby, you don't have to broadcast the event for a while. Presumably you will go home fairly quickly if all goes well - which we hope it will.

Get your husband to talk seriously and gently to his son, telling him having a baby is very tiring and it's best not to have visitors too early, apart from grandparents. If he is at yours, husband can say that he has to be gentle and quiet, he too will be the same.

I'm sure it will work out and congratulations to you all.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2021 16:09

Could DSS stay with your dad so your mum can be there with you? Maybe they could 'keep each other company' until baby is here and it's time to visit.

I agree that DSS should be one of the first to see the new baby. If he stays with your dad they can come together.

As far as the rest, I'd respond with a noncommittal 'mm-hmm' and just let him talk. He's 13. By the time his sibling arrives, he may well feel differently.

Pebbledashery · 14/07/2021 16:10

Really and truly, I don't think you should add any further stress to having a baby, why build this up now? It's more than likely going to be ok.
Completely agree he shouldn't be at the birth, that would be a bit odd. But he's your DH's child and therefore brother to your new baby, he should be the first to meet and hold the baby after your DH.
You can't blame him being excited and I don't think you should work it up in your mind and just focus on getting through the remainder of your pregnancy and just cross the bridge when you get to it.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2021 16:11

.....telling him having a baby is very tiring and it's best not to have visitors too early, apart from grandparents

He's not a 'visitor'. He's a sibling.

Pebbledashery · 14/07/2021 16:11

I think he may also just need a little reassurance that he isn't going to be shut out and that the new baby isn't going to his dad's one and only focus. It must be hard for him.

tintodeverano2 · 14/07/2021 16:12

You're lucky he's excited! Let him think he's the first to hold the baby.

Don't be precious about spending time alone with the baby. That will come when dss has gone home.

PomegranateQueen · 14/07/2021 16:12

Ah this is really sweet. My DH and my DBIL have the same age gap, he would want to sit and hold his baby brother as soon as he got in from school which gave DMIL a chance to shower, cook dinner, etc so embrace the enthusiasm!

I think he may need a reminder of how babies come into the world though, just to put him off being at the birth Grin
It's pretty normal for a sibling to meet the baby before GPs after a straightforward birth.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 14/07/2021 16:13

I would concentrate on the bigger problem of DSS not flushing the toilet and staying up gaming all hours - this is totally on DH. Get him to sort it now

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