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Original poster

Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

777 replies

Biffasum11 · 10/07/2021 14:50

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

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CrotchetyQuaver · 10/07/2021 15:53

You need to reorganise your stuff so the box room is the nursery and the 2nd bedroom is an office/occasional bedroom room for your DSD. You cannot/must not push her out to the extent she camps on the sofa when she comes. Longer term when the baby's older they can share the bigger room.

aiwblam · 10/07/2021 15:55

Your baby will want you, his/her mum. Nurseries are unnecessary and the baby should be in with you for several months at least. Babies don’t give a crap about houses, they need their parents to be with them. I’d allow your step child their own space.

Lbnc2021 · 10/07/2021 15:55

I suspect with you and your husbands attitudes she won’t want to come over in the near future so that will be problem solved for you 👍🏻

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/07/2021 15:55

@Biffasum11 But will realistically be 2 years away I'd say. that’s perfect timing then, the baby can stay in your room in a cot bed for two years. Problem solved.

AvocadoPlant · 10/07/2021 15:58

How about going back to the office after mat leave rather than wfh?

Howshouldibehave · 10/07/2021 15:59

You either need to…

  1. clear some stuff out and move your desk into your bedroom.
  1. Have your desk in the box room and the two children share the other room. Put a cot and a bed in there. The baby could even sleep in with you on the weekends your SD is there for a couple of years till you move.
  1. Have SD keep the box room and put your desk in the baby’s room. You won’t be working on maternity leave, and the baby will be in childcare when you’re WFH so won’t be trying to sleep whilst you work.

You will probably give reasons why you can’t do any of these solutions but the ones you’ve given so far seem like your reason is, ‘I don’t want to’.

If wanting a dressing room is the reason-you need fewer clothes.

Summersnake · 10/07/2021 16:01

Kids don’t need bedrooms in both houses..she’s only there once a month ,what a waste of a room.
I spent 2 weekends a month at my dads on a blow up bed in the lounge.
I had a room at my mums ,I didn’t need 2 bedrooms
It didn’t do me any harm at all
Put a blow up bed in the babies room

33feethighandrising · 10/07/2021 16:03

No. You can't chuck DSD out of her room because you like the idea of a decorated nursery, this is wrong on so many levels.

Find another solution.

Possibilities include:

  1. Baby sleeps in with you. SIDS advice is to do this till 6 months anyway. It's perfectly doable to cosleep till a child is 2 or older, and this would be most babies favoured solution as what they really want us to be close to you. Nature evolved us to want to be close to our mothers as babies, not pretty decor.
  1. The girls can share a room. If you want to keep the baby stuff in there, make it really clear which half is the baby's and which half is DSDs, involve her in redecorating and do stuff for her on her side of the room so she doesn't feel it's all about the baby.
  1. Put the baby in the box room and put your office in DSD's room. Pack it down before she comes.
  1. Get an office shed/summerhouse thing and move your office there.
  1. Convert your attic / extend.
Quartz2208 · 10/07/2021 16:05

So you need I think to create a second bedroom space that is both your DSD and your babies. If you are in a fairly normal 3 bed then the room should be big enough to fit both of them and lose your dressing room. Also buy a travel cot so that if the baby is having sleep issues at any point you can have your baby in with you and your DSD gets the room to herself.

Or have the second room double as the nursery and your office - its 2 years you say so that is fine.

BungleandGeorge · 10/07/2021 16:05

You can’t make a child sleep on a sofa in the living room. Especially not just so you can have a nice cccf air in the nursery. The only set up that would work appears to be your office in the small room (I’m surprised you can’t fit a cot and desk in there though) and then for and bed in the spare room. Baby will be in with you for a few months and if you’re planning to move in a couple of years it will be fine as a stop gap. DSD is only 7 so I one mind sharing.

RamItBunty · 10/07/2021 16:06

You need a wfh office, yes
You need a dressing room, absolutely not. You’re not stepping out to the met ball. It’s nice but not necessary
Convert the dressing room to an additional bedroom, that solves your problem

Quartz2208 · 10/07/2021 16:06

By the way this is a fairly common problem with 3 beds I lost my office space when DSS was born so I took the dining room. Which I then lost when DH started working from home as he has more equipment. Now I am on the office on a laptop! We are extending into the attic and all moving rooms to get the box room office back.

Mrsmadevans · 10/07/2021 16:07

She needs her own space OP . Have you thought about having an office in the garden?

Starlight39 · 10/07/2021 16:07

It's only 1 weekend a month, DSD needs a little bit of space just for that time and her own bed. Make your baby a lovely nursery in the dressing/DSD room but with DSD in mind too and include a bed for her. For 1 weekend a month, baby moves into your bedroom (travel cot) so that DSD can have that room.

warmfluffytowels · 10/07/2021 16:07

You can't have all three rooms to yourself and make your DSD sleep on the sofa! How on earth can either of you think that's acceptable?

DSD can have the box room. She can have a mid/high sleeper in there with storage underneath for her things.

As for your dressing room Hmm - store your clothes in your room like a normal person with a small house and kids and convert the dressing room into a nursery/office. You won't need to use both at the same time anyway. That also means you can get to DD easily during the night without disturbing DSD as much.

Nojobforoldmums · 10/07/2021 16:08

OP i think maybe you are a bit hormonal, no excuse for your DH though. Unfortunately you don't have space for your perfect nursery. Either use the box room as a nursery and the larger room for your office/SD, or have the kids share the larger room, unless there is some additional space you can use for the office.

You haven't painted your DH in a good light in this, only you know if that's a true reflection. If it is be aware he's not a good dad, and history may repeat.

FatCatThinCat · 10/07/2021 16:12

Sounds like she's just an inconvenience to you and I'm horrified at your husband being fine with you thinking a fantasy nursery is more important than his daughter.

azimuth299 · 10/07/2021 16:12

I think the nicest thing to do would be to make a lovely room in your current dressing room for the baby and DSD to share. You can still have your decorating fantasies, there are plenty of gorgeous ideas for siblings on Insta. You can have a combined office/dressing room in the box room, or have a clear out/ sell what you aren't wearing/ change your storage solutions/ store out of season clothes in the attic etc.

Or you could keep the baby in with you. No nursery to decorate but would be a very practical solution for now.

You could also have a nursery/office combo as you'll probably only be working when the baby is out of the house. Then DSD can have the box room to herself and have some space and privacy.

In short, there are plenty of ways that you can do this without making DSD sleep on the sofa and feel pushed out.

Nocutenamesleft · 10/07/2021 16:14

Oh my god

You can’t take away her space!!!!!!

Oh. That’s so cruel.

If my dad got remarried end turned my room into a nursery. I’d be so heartbroken. No way. That’s awful.

SlothinSpirit · 10/07/2021 16:15

High sleeper in nursery with cot underneath. That seems the most logical solution. Also, DSD will be able to read in bed with a little night light if she's quiet without disturbing the baby.

OverTheRubicon · 10/07/2021 16:15

First year is easy. Either you won't need an office while on maternity leave so give that up, or alternatively you can keep the baby in with you.

After that, either give them each their own room, or alternatively keep the box room as an office (maybe with some clothes in there) and use that other as a shared bedroom for the two children (even if you're changing sex to keep it confidential and it is a DSS, this should be fine for a while), where DSD has her own permanent bed and when she visits they either get used to sharing or alternatively the baby comes into your room.

I WFH permanently and do if from my bedroom, it's not ideal but an IKEA screen helps.

It's clear you want a special home for your DD, with a rocking chair and all. How do you think it makes your DSD feel, to know that she shares with your dressing room? How would you feel if you had a friend who had a new baby and wanted to keep her office so she kicked her eldest out onto a blow up bed downstairs?

Many people, including me, WFH with 3 DCs in a 3 bed house. Honestly, what you're describing shouldn't even be a problem.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2021 16:15

How long are you planning on taking maternity leave?

Ozanj · 10/07/2021 16:15

@Biffasum11

Just no way I'm working under a bed that doesn't look like it's adult sized... I'm not Harry Potter. I use three 24inch monitors a pc , a phone and a microphone. I also work 9/10 hours a day. That is for a kid doing their homework!!!
You don’t have a house big enough to let you work the way you want though. So move your office to the living room, go into the office, or rent office space. You can’t just turf your stepdaughter out
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2021 16:15

Welcome to Mumsnet, by the way.

Howshouldibehave · 10/07/2021 16:15

As for your dressing room hmm-store your clothes in your room like a normal person with a small house and kids

Yep!!!