Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

Poor kid

YABU. do not displace your DSD just as she's getting a new half sibling. For at least the first 6 months your baby should be in your room, after that, your spare room should be used for your baby and DSD to share on the one weekend she's there. you still then have your office box room.

You're desire to have the little nursery just as you want it means a 7 year old gets pushed out and sadly her dad seems to support this - nice parenting!! How would you feel if this was your new child? You don't really have a very realistic view of parenting.

Job done ✅

Why can't your DSD just share a room with the baby? Get a single blow up bed for when she visits and let her choose a nice new duvet set for it.

Babies usually sleep with parents for the first 6-12 months.

It's fine for dsd to sleep in the nursery or your office but it would be unfair for her to sleep on the sofa when there are enough bedrooms really. M
What kind of nursery do you envision? It's possible to create a room that is decorated for children of 2 different ages.

@Biffasum11

Just no way I'm working under a bed that doesn't look like it's adult sized... I'm not Harry Potter. I use three 24inch monitors a pc , a phone and a microphone. I also work 9/10 hours a day. That is for a kid doing their homework!!!

Bloody hell

Horrid attitude

You’ve got 3 rooms. Use them.

My husband has the exact same setup. He would do anything for his kids though. Yes he’s got his own office. Bathroom and bedroom in our house. But if we lost that tomorrow. He’d do whatever he would have too for his kids. Surprised you won’t do the same for your child.

@Biffasum11

Just no way I'm working under a bed that doesn't look like it's adult sized... I'm not Harry Potter. I use three 24inch monitors a pc , a phone and a microphone. I also work 9/10 hours a day. That is for a kid doing their homework!!!

But your house isn't big enough for you take over three rooms for your own use, leaving your DSD with nowhere to go. You have to make some sacrifices.

You don't need a dressing room, a nursery AND an office - but DSD does need a bedroom, so give her one! It's really not difficult.

We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate.

Are you sure?
On every fixed rate mortgage we've had there was always an option to end it without penalty in the event we moved with a choice of either ending it altogether without penalty or transferring the same deal to the new property.

@Allthegranola

Why can't your DSD just share a room with the baby? Get a single blow up bed for when she visits and let her choose a nice new duvet set for it.

FGS. The child needs a bed, not a blow-up mattress on the floor!

Sensible people consider their family set up before deciding to try for a baby.

How big are the rooms in your house? Is it a newer house with smaller rooms where you can't fit extra furniture in a room? Is it big enough to fit the office in your bedroom?

I'd probably either use the second bedroom as a room for DSD and office and make a little nursery in the box room, or keep the box room as an office and have DSD and baby sharing once the baby is in their own room.

They can go in their own room from six months, sometimes they sleep better as you won't disturb them. Not always of course, all babies are different.

@Quartz2208

By the way this is a fairly common problem with 3 beds I lost my office space when DSS was born so I took the dining room. Which I then lost when DH started working from home as he has more equipment. Now I am on the office on a laptop! We are extending into the attic and all moving rooms to get the box room office back.

Exactly! You have to adapt and compromise as you have. But then she wants her cake and eat it too and storage for her shoes, a dedicated work space and her 'dream' nursery that the baby couldn't care less about.... all at the expense of a 7yo child. I assume she knew he had a child when she got together with him. But if the child feels pushed out enough then she won't want to visit - not that it sounds like the OP cares about that.

I would keep the bedroom hers, my first choice would be to put in a garden office, otherwise maybe divide off part of your bedroom as a nursery 'nook' and decorate (eg a room divider like this ⬇️) with shelving and a rocker, then move the baby in with your SD when they're older.

I think spare room to be decorated in a nice and girly but not too babyish way (it would soon become too young for your DD anyway).

Then they can share or DD can move back in with you just while DSD visits. You should do everything you can to encourage them to bond right from the beginning (don’t forget baby’s present to her big sister!) and get DSD to help with you with bottles, baths, taking baby out for walks etc. When they get older, perhaps think about bunk beds to maximise the space.

I think it should be fine while you just have DSD and DD but, if you want to have more children, the lack of space could become a problem.

If you move you can normally port your mortgage with the same company so no early repayment

Your DSS needs a room, how unwelcoming to make her sleep on a blow up bed or sofa, she certainly isn’t going to feel wanted is she, and feel that her nee sibling is far more important to her dad than she is

You can’t always have what you want, so the spare room needs a bed for your DSS, and cot for the baby, it should take both, then they share

We all have fantasies about stuff we would like with money we don't have. There is honestly no reason your baby couldn't be in with you till they were two and you can move.

Though I imagine you'd find a different use for the 4th room.

You want your own room, a dressing room, an office and a nursery while your husband's eldest sleeps on the sofa, this shit is what the term 'evil step mum' was coined for.

I’m a stepmum of 3 and would never turf any of my SC out of their rooms and onto a blow up mattress

That poor little girl will be feeling pushed out as it is with a new baby coming and her seeing her dad so little, put your desk somewhere else and use the box room to make a lovely bedroom for your SD, and she can pick out the colours etc 😁

Can't you just turn your office into the nursery, and turn her room into your office/her room when she is there?

I would do the same and feel no guilt. You need the room, why struggle when dsd doesn’t come up often? I would do the same

Or... move your office into SDs room - get her to choose decor but put a hidden workstation in for you. If she's only there once a month then presumably that's weekends when you're not working anyway?

I can see what you mean as she is only there once a month. But you absolutely must have a space for her to stay when she comes once a month which you can use for another purpose when she is not there. But the primary purpose has to be that it's her room.

You have three bedrooms and two kids. There is no problem. DH works from home and so do I. His desk and many monitors is in our bedroom. I work from a table in our small open plan downstairs, and our twins share the small second bedroom. We don’t have space for an office for either of us so we don’t have one.

If you’re insistent on this (and it’s a terrible idea - you don’t need a dressing room so that becomes DSDs room and your office, baby in box room) then replace your sofa with a sofa bed and you and your DH sleep there while she stays in your room.

If you need more room then you need to get a bigger house/an extension/a garden office, not kick your husbands daughter out of her room. How selfish are you? You should both have sorted this out properly before deciding to have a baby together.

I grew up in a 3 bed house and there were 4 kids. We changed the front room and garage into bedrooms.

I had 4 kids in a 3 bed, so we had the 2 youngest in with us. When we moved, they got their own room (they were 2 and 4).

Your step daughter is your absolute priority.

Make a lovely corner of YOUR room into a nursery area. (Having a baby never lives up to the cosy image of a nursery anyway, it’s exhausting for a good while).

I think you have to compromise with the nursery and have it for both children. I'd probably put in a nice Hemnes day bed from IKEA and clever storage/ declutter clothes. Baby will be in with you initially anyway and for a couple of nights a month she could easily come in with you even when older.