Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

@MyOtherProfile

I'm afraid some do lose contact for that very reason *@newomums* but you're right, some need to grow a spine.

This dad needs to stand up for his daughter and OP needs to stop thinking her child is the only one who counts, before she turns them into a right diva by the time they are two.

Thing is he and the ex created the child so he should alway be the first person to set alight and held account. If a dad loses contact it's because of his actions alone. We need to stop making excuses for men who essentially get a handy cop out by blaming anyone other than themselves. The option is that if the SM is behaving like this for example he can leave. However people act like their hand is forced and they can't because it won't be worth it. Some men just don't or won't be bothered. That's the problem. Every child is worth the battle in my view.

That's always a option to leave and frankly one I would be considering if I was in ops DH shoes.

I'm a SM, SD and a mum and I'm absolutely floored that the SC can't have a bed. Floored.

The OP is clearly drinking coolade - because this isn't a SM issue so much as a massive DH issue and bad person issue (titles aren't relevant) - I can't imagine one SM that would defend this tbh. Not one

The thing the Op hasn't answered is how they expect the child to sleep on the couch while they are chilling in the evening?

I think this thread is a wind up

I think this thread is a wind up

Maybe, but Covid has created all sorts of headaches for everybody. 18 months ago, who expected to have to budget for 1 or 2 home offices so that both partners could work from home? 18 months ago the OP was probably joyfully TTC not anticipating any of this.

What the OP does next matters, but she is allowed to work through the options first. If she puts DSD in with the baby, then Mum won't be happy if DSD doesn't sleep for 2 nights a month. If she puts her up downstairs, then it all looks a bit Cinderella. The unknown is the DH and does he also need to work from home.

The most logical option that most people would come to is the office and the girl have one room, the baby in another.

Doesn't make sense for the baby to share with the office and the other room to be unused 90% of the time. I wouldn't trust a toddler to be in a room with my work stuff.

Nor does it make sense for the two children to share in the one room. 7 /8 year old will get upset when baby starts touching her stuff. Babies like older kids stuff.

Baby's aren't small for long, and they are on the move into stuff before you know it.

A nursery is not a rite of passage. I have four children and have never had a nursery. The baby is advised to sleep in your room till age one anyway. All you need is some storage in the spare room for the first year. I have never felt inclined to get up in the middle of the night to use a feeding chair. Your dsd needs to feel welcome, not pushed out. Sounds like you've spent too much time on Instagram.

Yes I agree covid has caused lots of headaches with rooms and office spaces.

We've got our bedroom, an office and a spare bedroom. The office is turning into the nursery and the spare bedroom is still a spare bedroom but now shared with an office so can you do that? Reallt really unfair to make your SD sleep on a blow up bed because you won't compromise

it was my child I wouldn't find this crazy so long as they are treated with love and fed and had a good time... what more is necessary

A bed. A bed is necessary. Especially when the child had a room and a bed and you're kicking her out of that because you want a dressing room/office/nursery etc. Really selfish tbh

I'm in a similar position to you OP, we have a two bedroom house, with DSD13 and a baby on the way.

(I'm working from home in the living room, which is not ideal!!)

Our solution was to floor and wall the attic space, and put in a fixed ladder? Not a full loft conversion, so minimising costs, but essentially creating a space for DSD that she can claim as hers when she stays. It's not a solution for a child staying full time without doing a full conversion - but works for occasional overnights, and she's really excited at getting a new room, bigger than her existing, that she has to climb ladders to get into. (Apparently this is "so cool".)

That could also be an option for your office space? (Easy to shut off when you're not working, and not needed right away!!) and means both kids keep a small room each on the main landing?

@Katefoster It's not anymore selfish to want a nursery than to want a separate bedroom for your DC? The new LO would potentially be sleeping there from 6 months, it's a bedroom.

Essentially the child living full time in the house needs a bedroom before a child staying over one or two nights a month.

Presumably OPs DSD has her own room at mums, where she lives 93% of the time. A workaround solution is needed, but I wouldn't say DSD needs a bedroom which can't also be used for other purposes at least for the majority of the time, when she's only staying there one weekend per month.

[quote crabette]@Katefoster It's not anymore selfish to want a nursery than to want a separate bedroom for your DC? The new LO would potentially be sleeping there from 6 months, it's a bedroom.

Essentially the child living full time in the house needs a bedroom before a child staying over one or two nights a month.

Presumably OPs DSD has her own room at mums, where she lives 93% of the time. A workaround solution is needed, but I wouldn't say DSD needs a bedroom which can't also be used for other purposes at least for the majority of the time, when she's only staying there one weekend per month. [/quote]
I think the issue is that the OP doesn't want her SC to have a bed in a room that is used for something else, she thinks it's acceptable for the child to sleep on a blow up mattress or sofa, when the child could have space made for them once a month in a room.

I'm not sure I've seen any posters saying she needs her own bedroom

Going against the grain but your SD who stays once a month does not get the big room, your baby who lives with you does.

Assuming your SD has a lovely big bedroom in her primary home, your baby deserves the same.

I would look at a desk that folds out when needed and packed away when not?

Touch situation, I don't envy you.

Or - if the boxroom is too small for a normal length bed, a carpenter could make a shorter one - a 7 yr old won't need the full length for at least a couple of years. A specially built unit with top bed and wardrobe/drawer unit underneath would be economical use of space. You could sell it with the house to a young family.

Nobody has suggested the stepchild should have the big bedroom? Only that the child having a bed is higher priority than a dressing room, office and beautifully decorated nursery.

Touch situation, I don't envy you
It's not a tough situation. There's 2 adults, a step child and a baby in a 3 bed house.

It's only a difficult situation if the priority is something other than appropriate sleeping arrangements, like thinking the priority is a beautifully designed nursery for a baby who won't have a clue what is going on because Mum wants to have the imaginary rite of passage

@Biffasum11

I need my office for work long term if I'm honest, will be fine for my maternity but once I'm back I'd have to reclaim the space after 6 months ... a deck with my monitors and chair. A bed wont fit in there too.

@Biffasum11 when she stays over move your stuff in the office which blocks a bed being there, into the babynursery or elsewhere, even if it's just for the nighttime. A bed will definitely fit in a box room otherwise they wouldn't have sold it as a room. She needs her.own space to sleep.

In any normal family, a 3 bed household with 2 children, where 1 bedroom needs to be reserved to be an office, would just put the children in together to share.

Single bed and a cot for the 2 children, move to bunk beds when your baby is old enough to have their own bed, keeping as much floor space as possible for playing.

Its only complicated because the OP needs a office. And a dressing room (because she can't just store her clothes in her own room). And her baby can't share a room. And she has failed to earn enough for the 5 bed house she needs for the lifestyle she wants.

And she has failed to earn enough for the 5 bed house she needs for the lifestyle she wants.

This is the crux of the problem for OP and so many people who wish to have a lifestyle beyond their means. You see it all the time on any property programme - people who want a big detached house with a large garden for the price of an ordinary semi.

@crabette

I'm in a similar position to you OP, we have a two bedroom house, with DSD13 and a baby on the way.

(I'm working from home in the living room, which is not ideal!!)

Our solution was to floor and wall the attic space, and put in a fixed ladder? Not a full loft conversion, so minimising costs, but essentially creating a space for DSD that she can claim as hers when she stays. It's not a solution for a child staying full time without doing a full conversion - but works for occasional overnights, and she's really excited at getting a new room, bigger than her existing, that she has to climb ladders to get into. (Apparently this is "so cool".)

That could also be an option for your office space? (Easy to shut off when you're not working, and not needed right away!!) and means both kids keep a small room each on the main landing?

Does it meet building regs?

Any windows? What if there's a fire?

For the OP

www.wallbeds.co.uk/solutions/complete-systems-furniture-mechanisms/gaysan-desk-bed/

@LolaSmiles

Touch situation, I don't envy you It's not a tough situation. There's 2 adults, a step child and a baby in a 3 bed house.

It's only a difficult situation if the priority is something other than appropriate sleeping arrangements, like thinking the priority is a beautifully designed nursery for a baby who won't have a clue what is going on because Mum wants to have the imaginary rite of passage

I agree, it’s far from a tough situation. Do not move your SD from her room- it’s unwelcoming enough that it’s your dressing room. If you’re fixated on nurseries and dressing rooms you can have that when you unnecessarily move. Baby’s in with you for the first 6 months anyway.

Why don't you post pictures of the rooms and measurements so we can all get an idea of where things can go

@blahblahblah321 I've seen a couple of posts on her needing her own room exclusively, which is what I was referring to. (See below!) Obviously completely agree though that DSD shouldn't be sleeping on sofa or blow-up downstairs when she could have a bedroom upstairs with a proper bed, even if it is used for other purposes most of the time when she's not there.

*"Your step-daughter needs her own space in her home with her Dad. Not a dedicated whole room to herself which stays empty 80 percent of the time but her OWN SPACE.

A space that has a place for her to leave her things there - clothes, toys, books. A bed which is her space to sleep but also to hang out and read etc - this is going to become increasingly important the older she gets. A space that she can come and spend more time in over the years to come."*

@Nanny0gg ...There's a large escape window incase of fire.

It doesn't meet current building regs for a bedroom due to ladder access (though technically neither do most bedrooms which aren't in new build homes - unless you have a fully fireproofed enclosed staircase route from your bedroom door to the front door?) but it is useable space, which she can claim as her own, which she's super excited about. And it'll be ok as a workaround for a year or two until we can move to a larger house - bearing in mind again she's only here occasional overnights.

Not intending to derail the thread, but it's surely a better solution than a blowup bed in the living room 🤷🏻‍♀️

We got an outside home office for a similar reason. All in all for everything including foundations, construction, the building itself, WiFi and electrics, carpets, it came to under £9k.

My other suggestion would be you and DH go in the middle sized room and put up a stud wall in the largest room for a nursery/guest room. DSS has been demoted to a pull out since the pandemic as his room became the office and his bed had to go. We’re just waiting on our four bed new build to finish being constructed and I’ll feel so much better that he’ll have his own room again after nearly two years.