Any way of saying this without sounding like a cow?

[HennyK]

Whenever we decide to do something for the day with our joint DC when DSC aren't here, DH will 9 times out of 10 try and get in touch with their Mum to see if they can come with us.

We live close by to their Mum so it's easy enough to pick up on way out anywhere. She doesn't always say yes because they are sometimes doing things themselves but most of the time will say that's fine.

But I feel like sometimes I would just like to be able to do something just us, without having to faff around waiting for a reply, will they / won't they type situation.

We do lots of things together when they are here. Is it unreasonable to wish sometimes, even if they technically could come with us if we asked, we could just go on our own?!

And is there any way for me to say this to DH without sounding like a cow?

@Coffeepot72

Its just pure guilt parenting on the part of the father. Most of us can se that.

Or maybe just parenting?

I really don't resent his children.

It kind of sounds like you do. Or you resent him choosing to spend so much time with them.

Whether the DSC were mine or not I would still like it if his younger children could spend some quality time together.

This is a bit disingenuous. I don't think it works like that. Presumably your younger children do gets lots of quality time together with their dad. Bedtimes, bath times, every day life.

I am more than happy for him to spend time doing something more centred around older children occasionally with his older DC.

How magnanimous that you would allow him to occasionally do that!

To be honest it sounds like he's trying to be a good dad. I think that some women really shouldn't get involved with men who have children. Apologies if that sounds harsh OP but your priorities are clearly different. His priority is including all of his children where possible and yours is your own wee bubble. There's nothing wrong with either party here, it's just all a bit sad and I have sympathy for all of you.

But part of being a separated parent is accepting that your children have lives which don’t always include you and that is fine, and they are not always involved with what you are doing, ditto.
This X 100!
The most detrimental thing to any child of separated parents (apart from outright nastiness between parents & in front of dc) is separated parents who insist on behaving like they're not separated! It causes confusion, expectation & really hampers everyone's ability to move on in a healthy fashion.

I grew up in a house with lots of DSiblings - just a large Irish family, no divorce etc involved. There were times when we would all go out and do things together. But there were also lots of times when just some of the DCs would go out (sometimes with 1, sometimes the other, sometimes both DPs) for various reasons. It was nice to have some quieter time with the DPs on those - or quieter time with only some DSibs.

It was not a case that those staying at home were not involved in family life, just occasionally some things were done as a smaller group. The more ordinary outings. (Trying to get out of going on family holidays was a whole other fight that took YEARS for the eldest to win, and even now there are still demands even though we are at the stage of a similar sized gaggle of DGCs...).

So no, you absolutely are not sounding like a cow

@HennyK , how do you think DH will take it?

How magnanimous that you would allow him to occasionally do that!

Give it a rest. I was literally asked if I would mind, that's why I said no I wouldn't.

@HennyK you said you would be happy with it occasionally which sounds a bit controlling.

It's funny as well that you sarcastically say I'm generous for allowing him to spend time alone with his older DC as if it should be a given whilst simultaneously saying he shouldn't be spending any with his younger... 🤔

And no, giving them a bath once in a while is not the same imo. He bathed his older DC when they needed help with that.

[quote forfucksakenett]**@HennyK* you said you would be happy with it occasionally* which sounds a bit controlling. [/quote]
Because I'm only asking he spend time with our DC occasionally, so no I wouldn't mind if he did the same the other way around... I assumed that was obvious.

He lives with his younger children 100% of the time does he not?

Does he ignore his younger children when the older ones are there?

Does he ignore his younger children when the older ones are there?

Ignore no, but they are certainly sidelined. I have already said days/trips out end up separated with me with our DC and he off with his hence why they never seem to get quality time with him where his attention is on them.

@HennyK

Does he ignore his younger children when the older ones are there?

Ignore no, but they are certainly sidelined. I have already said days/trips out end up separated with me with our DC and he off with his hence why they never seem to get quality time with him where his attention is on them.

Then I think that's the route you need to go down - it's unacceptable that he invites his older children along and then ignores the younger ones. I don't think he's being unreasonable wanting his children to join in the fun, but I'd be massively peed off if my children were then side lined.

I do wonder if he's similarly pushing the kids' mum into this. She might feel she can't really say no because "don't you want the kids to have nice things" or "don't you want them to get on with their siblings?"

Your husband needs to learn to unclench and accept that the kids are probably having fun at their mum's, and that's a good thing. He's still a good parent even if gasp the rest of you sometimes have a nice time without inviting his elder children.

He lives with his younger children 100% of the time does he not?

What’s your point? Does that mean they’re not allowed an ice cream unless the older ones come along? Sorry I’m not getting why their living arrangements are relevant unless it’s the usual argument to justify why second children should go without or have very very little excitement in their lives.

And as I keep saying on this thread, surely the days that the dsc are with their mum are the days that OP gets to enjoy with just her children. That’s important. The dad and the stepchildren aren’t the only ones who matter. What about the op having spontaneous or planned quality time with her dc?

People are utterly ridiculous when it comes to this subject. It's absolutely not unreasonable.

And frankly if you never make time for your individual DC, even to do something as simple as take them for a little lunch or to walk in the park, then I think that's wrong. All children deserve for the focus to be on them every now and then.

Do people with more than one child really never do anything without all of them? How ridiculous

It's because we're talking about step children and everyone knows it. If they were all resident children no one would bat an eyelid, it's the same old shit.

I do sympathise bit I'm not sure what your expecting. In larger families on days out as pps have mentioned one parent will generally take responsible for a couple and the other will take responsibility for the rest. I only have two but I generally take one while my partner takes the other.

In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go. Sidelined is a strange word unless you actually properly separate when you're out.

I have sympathy - I couldn't be a stepmother - but that's what happens when you marry someone with kids. His kids are just as important to him as his shared kids with you are.

Your children do have him in one way or another 100% of the time. His other children don't. Your children don't have to deal with living between two households and all that entails and his do. Inviting them on a few wee extra family days is hardly horrendous in that context is it?

@funinthesun19

He lives with his younger children 100% of the time does he not?

What’s your point? Does that mean they’re not allowed an ice cream unless the older ones come along? Sorry I’m not getting why their living arrangements are relevant unless it’s the usual argument to justify why second children should go without or have very very little excitement in their lives.

And as I keep saying on this thread, surely the days that the dsc are with their mum are the days that OP gets to enjoy with just her children. That’s important. The dad and the stepchildren aren’t the only ones who matter. What about the op having spontaneous or planned quality time with her dc?

No the OP was suggesting that her children didn't get time with their father. I was suggesting that they do.

@forfucksakenett

I do sympathise bit I'm not sure what your expecting. In larger families on days out as pps have mentioned one parent will generally take responsible for a couple and the other will take responsibility for the rest. I only have two but I generally take one while my partner takes the other.

In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go. Sidelined is a strange word unless you actually properly separate when you're out.

I have sympathy - I couldn't be a stepmother - but that's what happens when you marry someone with kids. His kids are just as important to him as his shared kids with you are.

Your children do have him in one way or another 100% of the time. His other children don't. Your children don't have to deal with living between two households and all that entails and his do. Inviting them on a few wee extra family days is hardly horrendous in that context is it?

But this all sounds like I'm expecting this when the DSC are with us. I'm not. When they are here they are 100% included in everything. But when they are supposed to be with their mother, why on earth can our children not go and feed the ducks with their Dad?

In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go

Which is exactly why I think we should be able to occasionally do some simple things on our own so that this doesn't have to happen every time. Not sure what's so hard to grasp about that.

No the OP was suggesting that her children didn't get time with their father. I was suggesting that they do

Yes they get time with him, like my DSC do too.

But you know full well the kind of time I'm talking about.

@AintNoMaryPoppins

People are utterly ridiculous when it comes to this subject. It's absolutely not unreasonable.

And frankly if you never make time for your individual DC, even to do something as simple as take them for a little lunch or to walk in the park, then I think that's wrong. All children deserve for the focus to be on them every now and then.

Do people with more than one child really never do anything without all of them? How ridiculous

It's because we're talking about step children and everyone knows it. If they were all resident children no one would bat an eyelid, it's the same old shit.

Of course. This isn't about giving individual children individual time its about two family units. That's different.

In family days out he's hardly likely to take yours and leave you with his so this is generally how it's always going to go

Except it doesn't need to go like this all the time. Because the father has a great opportunity to do some small things with bus younger DC when his other DC are with their mother.

I think it's actually really unreasonable to say that days out are ALWAYS going to be like that. How unfair on his younger DC!

Nevermind asking step mothers why they had DC with fathers, we should be asking why men have more children if they've no intention of treating them fairly.

@HennyK

No the OP was suggesting that her children didn't get time with their father. I was suggesting that they do

Yes they get time with him, like my DSC do too.

But you know full well the kind of time I'm talking about.

Not really.

All time with parents is important time. The time at home that your children get 100% of the time and his other kids only get 50% of the time is far more important than days out time.

It's a very very sad and sorry situation that isn't going to end well unless you really think this through / talk it through with your partner. Your resentment of these children encroaching on what you believe to be your family unit time will only grow. Your husband clearly loves inviting his kids along and if you ask him to stop then he may resent you. If the kids catch wind of any of this then will be awful for them.

This isn't about giving individual children individual time its about two family units

Yes it is. But when you're suggesting that on days out dad's attention is never going to be on his younger DC because be has older DC he doesn't want to leave with OP, then it's not unreasonable to separate the family units is it? Otherwise his younger DC never get to spend nice days or trips out with him, are you honestly suggesting that's okay?

But this all sounds like I'm expecting this when the DSC are with us. I'm not. When they are here they are 100% included in everything. But when they are supposed to be with their mother, why on earth can our children not go and feed the ducks with their Dad?

Because they live with him 100% of the time, obviously.

Of course they can OP. They can do lots of lovely things while the dscs are with their mum spending some lovely time with her in a safe, happy environment.

Your DP is ridiculous if he can’t face feeding the ducks with his youngest DC. I can’t understand his logic at all.

All time with parents is important time

You mean like the time the DSC should be spending with their Mum?