Blending family

[Izbizbiz]

I’m really struggling with a situation and I need advice.
Bit of background-
My partner and I have been together for over 2.5 yrs.
I’ve been navigating an incredibly acrimonious divorce and secured a residence order of my children last October after being alienated from them by my ex. The relationship with their dad is obviously very complicated and I have been focusing on their welfare rather than introducing my partner more than just a couple of times over the years.
They were obviously aware of him, have met and know of him and his daughter but our involvement as a 5 has been very limited.
My ex took exception to my new partner and my children were dead against being around him for a really long time. I had bigger fish to fry so we didn’t push it.
With help from a child psychologist, we have slowly been increasing exposure and things were going ok.
After successful day trips together, We eventually decided to go on a trip for 4 days as a 5 last week.
My kids had a good time and everything seemed to be well except for a few situations which I addressed with my partner when I came home.
Namely, the difference in treatment that my partner seems to be giving his own daughter versus my 2 children. FYI. My kids are 11 and 7 and his daughter is 11.
On 2 separate occasions, we were buying the children treats. First time it was a faux jewel. The shop had 2 sizes, one at £4 and one at £10. I told my son to choose a small jewel and he and his sister chose one. My partner’s daughter asked if she could have the bigger one and I said no. My partner was there and heard. She whispered to him and he bought her the big one. My children were really shocked but didn’t push my boundary. I could tell my youngest was disappointed and I was really angry and my partner and disappointed with his daughter because I had said no and my 2 were getting the smaller version.
Then we were in another shop and he offered to buy them a healing crystal. He told all 3 kids they could have 1 each which they accepted until his daughter whispered to her dad again and she was bought 2 and my kids were bought 1.

There were also other instances when we ate out and he let her take all of the ketchup and didn’t consider anyone else, wouldn’t share drinks or food we bought to share and was bought her own when no one else was offered their own and still expected to share and she wasn’t forced or spoken to about it.

We bought a refill cup at a park for us all to share and she insisted on having her own, 4 of us shared 1 cup and she had her own.

Anyway, I know these things aren’t really a big deal in the grand scheme but given that I too have children that I have been working so hard to listen to me and cooperate with me, I feel like it really undermines and confuses my position. It also must make them feel less important.

Even if I didn’t have these challenges, I wouldn’t want my children brought up in this way.

I feel like his decisions to give her more than my children is insensitive.

I spoke to him about it to try to understand his point of view. I initially wondered if his view was that perhaps he felt I should be treating my children more than I am.

It wasn’t received well. He said he didn’t see an issue with what he did and obviously felt defensive of me tackling the issue because he started saying things about my children’s behaviour, them not including his daughter and my parenting style. I did try to discuss that I felt they should be treated the same and to referred back to our own personal values which I thought were exactly the same.

I was really upset about his reaction but I examined what he had said and genuinely thought whether there was any truth in what he said. I honestly can’t see his point of view, I feel like he just started being spiteful because he didn’t like what I said.

This all came to a head last night over the phone and we did have words. Eventually, he said my kids don’t have manners and I let them behave badly which just isn’t true. I’ve been very honest about my challenges with them and I am very aware of the issues we face but I do not agree with those points.

He came over unannounced this morning and demanded I give him back his key then stormed off. We haven’t spoken all day and I feel like I’m in a bit of a spin.

We usually have a great relationship when it’s just us and I genuinely couldn’t have gotten through the past couple of years without him but as I said, we didn’t mix our families until fairly recently so I’m really wondering if we don’t mesh on that level.

I’ve left an abusive marriage and struggled with gaslighting so I don’t always trust my own judgment. I’m really worried I’ve gone from one bad relationship to another or wondering if I’m tarring him with the same brush as my ex.

I don’t know what to do. Should I not have addressed these issues? Am I ignoring red flags or AITAH?

I don’t even know where to start with talking to him again.

Please help x

I told her no to the bigger one - she asked for it and I said no.
If he had offered to buy my kids a bigger one I would have been offended because that’s rude.
My kids were shocked because they have learned and been taught that you don’t ask for more than you are offered and you certainly don’t get it if you did ask. My kids are grateful for the things that are given to them because a treat is exactly that - a treat. They were looking at these jewel and I offered to buy them one - it was exact the same as the crystals situation where I set a boundary and he crossed it.

But you didn't offer her the smaller one initially, you'd said she could have one but didn't say it had to be small. So I don't think it's unreasonable or rude that she asked.

I also don't think it's particularly rude that she then asked her Dad when you said no. Maybe he gives her pocket money, directly or indirectly, and they agreed she'd get that out of the pocket money he was due to give her?

I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to just slot in to being treated the same as your two.

I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to just slot in to being treated the same as your two.
Maybe. But it's her dad who along with op drew up ground rules for the dc. Ground rules which he then proceeded to break while getting annoyed with op for adhering to the rules. He's to blame here - not op or any of the dc.

Honestly OP, do not over think this, I have a single child but there is no way that he would be behaving like this girl or assuming he deserved more or as your partner put it, took into “establishing dominance”. I bet this is not the first time the kid is allowed to call the shots over her dad’s relationship. You have dodged a bullet, leave it at that.

OP I think the children should have all been treated equally. His attitude to the situation sent out wrong signals to his daughter who will always think she can have more.
When you are all together, the children get the same. When she is with her father on their own it's up to him as it is up to you with your children.

If this can't be resolved in a sensible way then it is going to happen again and it is not workable IMHO

@Magda72

I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to just slot in to being treated the same as your two. Maybe. But it's her dad who along with op drew up ground rules for the dc. Ground rules which he then proceeded to break while getting annoyed with op for adhering to the rules. He's to blame here - not op or any of the dc.

But he doesn't sound like he and the OP did draw up sufficient ground rules.

The jewel rule was the OP's. She's said a few times that she assumed her DP "shared her values"; because of that possibly wrong assumption, she had expectations that couldn't come to pass.

As I said, it's possible that the DP's DD told him that she'd pay for the bigger jewel, or the extra one of the thing he bought, out of her pocket money. It's something 11 year olds suggest.

I don't think he handled this well and he absolutely should have remained firm when he said only 1 of X and his DD got 2 (regardless of whether she offered to pay for it when whispering). But ultimately he may not agree with the OP's view that all children out on an outing together should be treated the same, even when they are being paid for by different parents. I don't think he'd be unreasonable to not agree with that.

What a shame ground rules should be discussed for an outing with children !

They should all have got the same treatment or what is that telling them when one gets special treatment ?
The man behaved like a twit.

What it's telling them is that they have different parents who have different rules and spending abilities.

At 7 and 11, the OP's children really should be able to understand and accept this.

This isn't a blended family. Once they're living in or sharing the same household then yes I agree, they should be treated equally. But at the moment that isn't the case.

The OP and her DP should have been able to have a reasonable discussion about this though without it ending up as it did.

Did you miss the point where OP explained that they (he and she, the adults) agreed in advance that the costs would be split pro-rata, and then he paid for more or bigger treats for his DC only
But that point supports my position. If they acted as a family, where everyone is treated the same, they would have agreed to split everything 50/50. They didn't because they are still two distinct families, two families who also deal with treats differently.

Either way, it was inevitably going to be a bit awkward from the moment OP offered but it went really wrong because of OPs mindset that the children should all be treated the same as if they were one family when they were still miles from being so.

They should all have got the same treatment or what is that telling them when one gets special treatment ?
It's telling them that in life, some kids get more because their parents have more money and/or different principles.

They will have already experienced this in different settings. Maybe going to the cinema with friends and they have to share a small box of pop corn when their friends get a large one individually.

This girl was nothing more than mummy's boyfriend's daughter at this point. They had no reason at this stage to expect to be treated the same.

@Izbizbiz

I told her no to the bigger one - she asked for it and I said no. If he had offered to buy my kids a bigger one I would have been offended because that’s rude. My kids were shocked because they have learned and been taught that you don’t ask for more than you are offered and you certainly don’t get it if you did ask. My kids are grateful for the things that are given to them because a treat is exactly that - a treat. They were looking at these jewel and I offered to buy them one - it was exact the same as the crystals situation where I set a boundary and he crossed it.

Yes, but this girl wasn't raised by you. If your DC cannot handle such minor differences between themselves and children of different households and are genuinely as sheltered from this reality on days out with friends as you say, then I would argue that they sound just as spoilt as your DPs child, just in a different way, ie trained to perceive injustice to themselves based on what other people have.

Who was unreasonable on the holiday is somewhat of a moot point at this point because he has reacted childishly since getting back which has overshadowed the original dispute. But I do find it quite telling how rigidly you are sticking to your version of things, where it is indisputable that that is the way things should be done (or people should be "shocked"). You say you naturally consider all points of view but it doesn't actually come across that way here. It seems quite likely to me that this has been quite a stifling and "you" centric experience for him, and he's been going along with you because you are so adamant. I can see how that would be frustrating to him and, even if this relationship doesn't work out, I can see it causing issues for future "blending" relationships.

I just think your whole view on how the holiday should be was just so wrong, and you don't seem to be addressing any of the counter arguments to them. This was your first trip as a group, you two know each other well but the kids don't. Starting right off the bat with all decisions being joint, the kids having to go through adults they potentially aren't comfortable with for every little thing, in his DDs case being turned down more than usual and potentially feeling scolded and embarrassed by you as a result (not a good first expression), having to share drinks with all of you (this would have made me feel sick at this age, especially if one of the kids was a boy or had any gross habits). I think it is all too intense for the kids, and far more likely to breed resentments. Another thing that is likely to breed resentment is your kids being raised to not ever witness kids getting different things. This should be a normal part of life for them and the fact that it isn't is going to make them bitter and resentful whenever they encounter life not being totally equal.

@aSofaNearYou

Who was unreasonable on the holiday is somewhat of a moot point at this point because he has reacted childishly since getting back which has overshadowed the original dispute. But I do find it quite telling how rigidly you are sticking to your version of things, where it is indisputable that that is the way things should be done (or people should be "shocked"). You say you naturally consider all points of view but it doesn't actually come across that way here. It seems quite likely to me that this has been quite a stifling and "you" centric experience for him, and he's been going along with you because you are so adamant. I can see how that would be frustrating to him and, even if this relationship doesn't work out, I can see it causing issues for future "blending" relationships.

I just think your whole view on how the holiday should be was just so wrong, and you don't seem to be addressing any of the counter arguments to them. This was your first trip as a group, you two know each other well but the kids don't. Starting right off the bat with all decisions being joint, the kids having to go through adults they potentially aren't comfortable with for every little thing, in his DDs case being turned down more than usual and potentially feeling scolded and embarrassed by you as a result (not a good first expression), having to share drinks with all of you (this would have made me feel sick at this age, especially if one of the kids was a boy or had any gross habits). I think it is all too intense for the kids, and far more likely to breed resentments. Another thing that is likely to breed resentment is your kids being raised to not ever witness kids getting different things. This should be a normal part of life for them and the fact that it isn't is going to make them bitter and resentful whenever they encounter life not being totally equal.

I think you are missing the point- we all have our own set of beliefs based on what we had as children or whatever forms us as people. I’m not saying I’m right and he’s wrong, I’m saying I thought we had the same set of beliefs and not it’s become apparent we don’t, I’m looking for advice as to how to proceed going forward Having your view and saying my view was just so wrong and using continuous ‘shoulds’ and stating I’m bringing my children up to be bitter and resentful is far more linear than anything I’ve said in my OP.

If you both want to keep the relationship going then forget about living together until the 3 children are grown up.

I think you are missing the point- we all have our own set of beliefs based on what we had as children or whatever forms us as people.
I’m not saying I’m right and he’s wrong, I’m saying I thought we had the same set of beliefs and not it’s become apparent we don’t, I’m looking for advice as to how to proceed going forward
Having your view and saying my view was just so wrong and using continuous ‘shoulds’ and stating I’m bringing my children up to be bitter and resentful is far more linear than anything I’ve said in my OP.

I'm not missing the point, I'm making a different one. I see something in the way you are responding which doesn't back up the idea you are open to different POVS. Lots of reiteration of what you expect, what is good for your kids (not all the kids), not really addressing the counter arguments people have put forward to your theory that children on days out should always be treated identically, just saying it's your "belief". And there are valid ones. I don't think saying your approach will encourage bitterness in your children is any more linear than saying it's hurtful/shocking for parents to buy differently for their kids.

I respect that you feel like you met someone who shares your beliefs, but I also get the impression that your beliefs are very strongly iterated and there isn't as much room for disagreement as you think there is.

Advice on how to move forward? I think he has made that decision for you.

He bought up his daughter feeling left out and your kids behaviour, assuming he actually believes this (regardless of true or not), he may have made the decision that he doesn’t want this.
He had you for 2.5 years as a single person without the children. That has changed and maybe he doesn’t like the change.

Either way, his actions in storming off etc are red flags and not desirable.

Your kids have been through so much, I wouldn’t put them or myself through this.

I’m presuming he hasn’t been in touch so it does sound over.

Regardless of whether it’s with him or someone else in the future, how you proceed is dependent on how important it is to you that your partner share and demonstrate this particular “value”. My advice is to make sure you’re not just assuming they share it, but that you actually check they’ll share it in practise and not just in theory, and that they share it to your specifications.

I could have written this post ten years ago. Seeking to blend two families is just setting yourselves up for failure. The best you can hope for is a relatively harmonious co-existence. Given their ages, the two girls will be hugely aware of any perceived unfairness between them. Allowing one to get more in such an obvious way will negativity impact their future relationship, in my experience. The children will be aware of differences in how they're treated as they would be in any new group setting. None of this gets any easier (my DD21 and SD20 just don't talk at this stage, and probably never will) so I think you and your partner need to have a very honest and open conversation about navigating through the coming months and years. There has to be respect for you as a significant adult in his life and you should not be undermined. I too can see things from all perspectives and honestly looking back it was a curse. It sounds like you made every effort to ensure there was fairness on the trip and it was thwarted. Your partner probably lashed out because logic is battling with emotion - perhaps he knows on some level that you're right in what you've raised with him but maybe he's battling with some of his own guilt. He needs to learn to communicate with you as an adult not a toddler if he wants you two to move forward together.

Keep your eyes wide open, your expectations of blending low and above all nurture and protect your relationship with your children.

Well, he’s been in touch.

There was responsibility and apologies at first which lead to justification.
I’m at the point where I just want honesty- he can behave in any way he wants to, I just need to know where I stand so I can make a decision.

I’ve decided to cut ties for now and have some time to think things over. We are going to meet the first weekend of September to talk about what happened and if we have a future as a couple but I’ve made it clear that I’m not comfortable with our kids being involved. He isn’t happy with this arrangement but accepted it.
It’s been really interesting to read about different relationship dynamics and that there are other options to completely blending. I’ll do a lot of soul searching and talking to my therapist over the coming weeks and of course just enjoy my children.

Hopefully the time apart will give us both some perspective.

Thanks all for your comments and advice x

Ah OP, that is sad but maybe for the best. Hope you have a lovely summer with your kids.

I think that sounds like the best plan of action for now.

Have a good summer with your lovely DCs, @Izbizbiz

He isn’t happy with this arrangement but accepted it.

Did he really accept it, is there any chance that he just stopped talking about it?

There is such a difference.

You only find out when as with the day out, he doesn't stick to what you think you have agreed.

@FinallyHere

Have a good summer with your lovely DCs, *@Izbizbiz*

He isn’t happy with this arrangement but accepted it.

Did he really accept it, is there any chance that he just stopped talking about it?

There is such a difference.

You only find out when as with the day out, he doesn't stick to what you think you have agreed.

He said- ive told you it won’t happen again- I can’t turn back time. I made a mistake but I forget your perfect. I want you in my life so I’ll do whatever you think is right’

Give with one hand and take with the other 🙈

It seems that you want his daughter to downgrade her lifestyle to make your children feel better.
Why on earth should she?

This is what I was thinking too.

I think these issues will continue to be a problem as he has more money than you. His daughter is used to getting what she wants and he doesn't want to change that as he can easily afford it.
If you end up living together, it will be more than trinkets and drinks... which will ultimately affect your kids.

You could have a situation like this
www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/o51dk9/help_biological_child_jealous_of_step_childrens/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

I made a mistake but I forget you're perfect.

That is not an appropriate comment to make if someone is genuinely apologetic. Looks like you had a lucky escape there OP, the only thing he's sorry about is having been asked to treat all the SC equally, given you'd both agreed beforehand.

Well done you for standing your ground, and enjoy the summer with your DC.