Blending family

[Izbizbiz]

I’m really struggling with a situation and I need advice.
Bit of background-
My partner and I have been together for over 2.5 yrs.
I’ve been navigating an incredibly acrimonious divorce and secured a residence order of my children last October after being alienated from them by my ex. The relationship with their dad is obviously very complicated and I have been focusing on their welfare rather than introducing my partner more than just a couple of times over the years.
They were obviously aware of him, have met and know of him and his daughter but our involvement as a 5 has been very limited.
My ex took exception to my new partner and my children were dead against being around him for a really long time. I had bigger fish to fry so we didn’t push it.
With help from a child psychologist, we have slowly been increasing exposure and things were going ok.
After successful day trips together, We eventually decided to go on a trip for 4 days as a 5 last week.
My kids had a good time and everything seemed to be well except for a few situations which I addressed with my partner when I came home.
Namely, the difference in treatment that my partner seems to be giving his own daughter versus my 2 children. FYI. My kids are 11 and 7 and his daughter is 11.
On 2 separate occasions, we were buying the children treats. First time it was a faux jewel. The shop had 2 sizes, one at £4 and one at £10. I told my son to choose a small jewel and he and his sister chose one. My partner’s daughter asked if she could have the bigger one and I said no. My partner was there and heard. She whispered to him and he bought her the big one. My children were really shocked but didn’t push my boundary. I could tell my youngest was disappointed and I was really angry and my partner and disappointed with his daughter because I had said no and my 2 were getting the smaller version.
Then we were in another shop and he offered to buy them a healing crystal. He told all 3 kids they could have 1 each which they accepted until his daughter whispered to her dad again and she was bought 2 and my kids were bought 1.

There were also other instances when we ate out and he let her take all of the ketchup and didn’t consider anyone else, wouldn’t share drinks or food we bought to share and was bought her own when no one else was offered their own and still expected to share and she wasn’t forced or spoken to about it.

We bought a refill cup at a park for us all to share and she insisted on having her own, 4 of us shared 1 cup and she had her own.

Anyway, I know these things aren’t really a big deal in the grand scheme but given that I too have children that I have been working so hard to listen to me and cooperate with me, I feel like it really undermines and confuses my position. It also must make them feel less important.

Even if I didn’t have these challenges, I wouldn’t want my children brought up in this way.

I feel like his decisions to give her more than my children is insensitive.

I spoke to him about it to try to understand his point of view. I initially wondered if his view was that perhaps he felt I should be treating my children more than I am.

It wasn’t received well. He said he didn’t see an issue with what he did and obviously felt defensive of me tackling the issue because he started saying things about my children’s behaviour, them not including his daughter and my parenting style. I did try to discuss that I felt they should be treated the same and to referred back to our own personal values which I thought were exactly the same.

I was really upset about his reaction but I examined what he had said and genuinely thought whether there was any truth in what he said. I honestly can’t see his point of view, I feel like he just started being spiteful because he didn’t like what I said.

This all came to a head last night over the phone and we did have words. Eventually, he said my kids don’t have manners and I let them behave badly which just isn’t true. I’ve been very honest about my challenges with them and I am very aware of the issues we face but I do not agree with those points.

He came over unannounced this morning and demanded I give him back his key then stormed off. We haven’t spoken all day and I feel like I’m in a bit of a spin.

We usually have a great relationship when it’s just us and I genuinely couldn’t have gotten through the past couple of years without him but as I said, we didn’t mix our families until fairly recently so I’m really wondering if we don’t mesh on that level.

I’ve left an abusive marriage and struggled with gaslighting so I don’t always trust my own judgment. I’m really worried I’ve gone from one bad relationship to another or wondering if I’m tarring him with the same brush as my ex.

I don’t know what to do. Should I not have addressed these issues? Am I ignoring red flags or AITAH?

I don’t even know where to start with talking to him again.

Please help x

Fully agree OP, 1 problem is the daughter's attitude but the bigger problem is her dad encouraging and indulging it. She thought it was ok to whisper in dad's ear every time she wasnt being offered what she wanted. And what did HE do? Bought her whatever she wanted twice, disrespecting what you e said (when it was your treat for the children) and then not following through what he said.. "Oh you a can have just 1 small crystal" but his DD getting a bigger one anyway. Please please OP do not put your children in such situations with this man again.. how is that going to affect their self esteem?
I would have said perhaps there is a room for improvement if you both tried working on these issues. BUT he refuses to even acknowledge what he has done. And then demanded his key back, like he's the one that should be insulted. Forget that it has been 2.5 years of relationship, it has been ALL TALK regarding values and fair treatment of children. He has SHOWN YOU who he is and what he does. Your trip might have been a minor glimpse but a very good example of how he will behave in many similar situations to come.

You are clearly a parent who tries to take all views on board. Can I just pick up on a point though -

So, I guess to answer your question‘perhaps they don’t want to be blended’ maybe they don’t but is that because they want mum abd dad back together? That’s never going to happen. Maybe they are uncomfortable with being out of their comfort zone in a particular situation. Maybe they’ve never seen a positive blend

My take would be they’ve been through such upheaval and psychological warfare already, I would have to wonder if the reforming of your unit as a three is the important work here, without the imposition/including/sharing of another family unit. Your relationships with your own DC are likely to be different post-alienation and if their contact with their father has been reduced there will be an emotional process to that. Their new family circumstances may already be enough out of their comfort zone without another family in the mix.

@Beefcurtains79

It seems that you want his daughter to downgrade her lifestyle to make your children feel better. Why on earth should she?

Of course she shouldn’t- what I do expect is a realistic and true version of her lifestyle being portrayed by her father. We’ve spoken at length continuously about situations and he’s always offered solutions that match my values. I know these are hypothetical situations and things are more difficult in reality but after the event when we spoke it over, if he truly had the same values as me, he would have seen my point of view but he didn’t. This really isn’t about her behaviour or choices, it’s about mismatched expectations with the parents behaviour

Leaving aside the issue of blending your families, this is a grown man who couldn’t sit down and have a rational productive discussion with you when you raised some issues. Instead he gaslighted you by saying your DC were badly behaved and then threw his key at you and stormed off.
I’d be very wary based on that alone.
I also think the reality is that whilst you might like someone to share your life with, children especially as they grow older don’t want the same thing. I’d consider whether dating but maintaining separate households is the way to go

OP I think you have really valid points here. But all the micro things (cups, jewels) are signposts to the major stuff going on.

Your DP and his DD are not ready to blend. He can’t see how his actions were unfair and divisive. His actions didn’t pull you all together as a 5, they separated the group back into various sets of people. 4 and 1 with the cup; 2 and 3 adults and kids, but that became 2 and 3 DP&DD vs you and your DC. And further - a group of 2 (your DC) and then three lots of 1 as the DD got her way and you and your DP fractured. When were you a 5? When did it feel like you were a natural group swapping in and out of pairs and other configurations?

That stuff takes ages and ages to build and it won’t do so on foundations where 1 child is treated differently to the other 2.

However. As that 1 child she really may not have wanted to share the cup. Her Dad should have insisted that the two of them shared. Or brought straws if there is a problem with drinking from the same cup even the two of them.

Did your two include her or did they stick tight together? A pair of DC and 1 DC is a hard combination but I’d would have hoped that the age match of 2 x 11 year olds would help. Or maybe it hinders as it looks like direct competition from their point of view.

I would pull right back on this. Don’t do shared days with shared finances. If you meet with DC be clear that you’re coming as 2 groups. Certainly have a chat before about expectations on expenditure both with your DP and your DC.

Otherwise- hard as it is (and I know, I’ve been pretty much where you are) - keep the family stuff separate. Focus like crazy on creating your own strong unit with your DC. Keep your DP for evenings and non-child weekends.

His reaction is also pretty crap. But if you want to be with him then scale back all your hopes for a blended family right now. It doesn’t to have to be an aggressive position where you tell him this as he may see it as tit-for-tat. Just be casual about making your own plans and not being up for family get togethers for the foreseeable. Don’t make your kids put up with spending their days out with people who aren’t invested in them and in situations that put you on edge or lead to rows.

I agree- it has been 9 months since the change in contact and it’s been a slow process. It’s not something we’ve done flippantly at all.
I guess, selfishly, since my time with the kids has increased, we’ve not been able to see each other (with lockdown restrictions and being two households) for weeks on end. There was no apparent reason not to move things forward now restrictions have allowed.

Looking at things now, I can see that wasn’t the right decision. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Bringing a man into their lives who is happy to remind them they are second class isn't a great idea op..
When I was a sm the dsd was mid age range of my 2 dd's and all got exactly the same when with us. When she was with her dm dsd was The Chosen One. When she was with us she was just part of the family. She was more than fine with that. You have big issues if you stay with him.

We are very much in an established relationship and have been for a long time. We agreed to share all of the cost for the trip so we were paying for everything as a 5 then tallying it up and splitting it accordingly- I got lunch, he got dinner etc same with the accommodation and park tickets. It was very much a shared financial commitment.

But this is just another thing that suits you, but doesn't suit him and his DD. You have two children and he has one so by splitting costs equally he is paying more than his DDs share, meanwhile he isn't allowed to buy her the things he wants to/she's accustomed to because it needs to be fair to your kids. Do you see how this situation is advantageous to you and disadvantageous to him?

Now I hate spoiling kids, so I see your point about how when you offered to buy her something she shouldn't have asked for something bigger, I agree with that. But that's because she was asking someone who by rights she should have been being particularly polite to, ie, not her parents. No matter how hard you may try to push a square peg into a round hole, it is just so much simpler if the kids things are paid for by "their" adult. It takes away any perceived injustice that could lead to resentment, too.

I think if you want to blend two different families of youngsters at a difficult preteen age then you REALLY need to let go of the rigid notion that everyone must get exactly the same at all times and both of you need to be involved in every decision. They are at an age where they will likely feel resistant to blending, and the step parent seeming to control and limit everything will not make them feel favourably, on either side. Just let the kids continue to go to their parents to raid their wallets, whilst all playing and bonding together as a group. It's really not the catastrophe you think it is if your kids witness another kids dad buy them two gemstones whilst they have one each. The "spoilt" accusation goes two ways if they aren't able to handle that.

Let them start to view each other as family before you go in so strong in expecting them to act like one.

I think this is a good point. Kids can’t always be treated exactly the same for lots of reasons.
For example, I wouldn’t expect a 14 yo to order from a children’s menu or if I had a toddler, I wouldn’t expect them to get the same toys as an older child. However as our daughters are exactly the same age I think it’s simpler to make rules that apply to both

@Izbizbiz you might be in an “established” relationship, but your families are still very separate. Your DP has only seen your DC a couple of times. It’s super weird that you and your 2 DC shared a cup with a man who is basically a stranger to your DC. I don’t blame your DP’s Dd for wanting her own cup! I wouldn’t want to share a cup with a man I’d only met a couple of times. £15 is steep so why didn’t you buy separate bottles of water? You are not a blended family. I don’t think your DP did anything wrong with buying his own Dd extras. You’re free to treat your own!

@aSofaNearYou

We are very much in an established relationship and have been for a long time. We agreed to share all of the cost for the trip so we were paying for everything as a 5 then tallying it up and splitting it accordingly- I got lunch, he got dinner etc same with the accommodation and park tickets. It was very much a shared financial commitment.

But this is just another thing that suits you, but doesn't suit him and his DD. You have two children and he has one so by splitting costs equally he is paying more than his DDs share, meanwhile he isn't allowed to buy her the things he wants to/she's accustomed to because it needs to be fair to your kids. Do you see how this situation is advantageous to you and disadvantageous to him?

Now I hate spoiling kids, so I see your point about how when you offered to buy her something she shouldn't have asked for something bigger, I agree with that. But that's because she was asking someone who by rights she should have been being particularly polite to, ie, not her parents. No matter how hard you may try to push a square peg into a round hole, it is just so much simpler if the kids things are paid for by "their" adult. It takes away any perceived injustice that could lead to resentment, too.

I think if you want to blend two different families of youngsters at a difficult preteen age then you REALLY need to let go of the rigid notion that everyone must get exactly the same at all times and both of you need to be involved in every decision. They are at an age where they will likely feel resistant to blending, and the step parent seeming to control and limit everything will not make them feel favourably, on either side. Just let the kids continue to go to their parents to raid their wallets, whilst all playing and bonding together as a group. It's really not the catastrophe you think it is if your kids witness another kids dad buy them two gemstones whilst they have one each. The "spoilt" accusation goes two ways if they aren't able to handle that.

Let them start to view each other as family before you go in so strong in expecting them to act like one.

I didn’t say we shared the cost equally. I said we shared the cost. I paid 3/5ths and he paid 2/5ths. Initially the cost was just paid but when we came home we added it all up and I transferred the difference.

Whispering in company is extremely bad manners. Pot, kettle.

I didn’t say we shared the cost equally. I said we shared the cost. I paid 3/5ths and he paid 2/5ths.
Initially the cost was just paid but when we came home we added it all up and I transferred the difference.

Fair enough OP, I still stand by the rest of the comment.

[quote CoralSparkles]@Izbizbiz you might be in an “established” relationship, but your families are still very separate. Your DP has only seen your DC a couple of times. It’s super weird that you and your 2 DC shared a cup with a man who is basically a stranger to your DC. I don’t blame your DP’s Dd for wanting her own cup! I wouldn’t want to share a cup with a man I’d only met a couple of times. £15 is steep so why didn’t you buy separate bottles of water? You are not a blended family. I don’t think your DP did anything wrong with buying his own Dd extras. You’re free to treat your own![/quote]
For what it’s worth, I agree with you HAD that been said before it was put into action but this was his idea and one I agreed with. Only for the goalposts to move after it was paid and communicated

At least you have realised that there are major incompatibilities in your relationship before you have moved in together.

It does beg the question- what do I do about us? We still haven’t been in touch with each other 😞
It’s not my style to ghost

Don't do anything OP. He took his keys and stormed off. Pack his stuff up, leave it by the front door and go and see your friends/family. When you get home have a bath and watch Netflix/read a book in bed. Put your phone on silent and ignore him till tomorrow. Then text him and arrange a time for him to collect his stuff. Don't let him talk you back in to being together. You're not compatible and the way he deals with conflict is unhealthy. Getting his key like that will have eroded any trust in the relationship.

I would be asking him if he ever actually agreed with your stance on all the kids getting exactly the same and making finances joint, or if he was just going along with you because you were really pushing it. His response does sound very defensive and reactionary, but I can imagine that being defensible IF it was something he was already harbouring frustration about. If this was the case, I could personally forgive it and it would be a lesson learnt about the need for equal communication rather than one person's view dominating.

If, on the other hand, this wasn't something that he had been consciously grappling with and it was just his instinct to spoil her more and then get highly defensive when you mentioned it, then I would be more concerned.

OP, if you are not reaching out to him (and I am not saying that you should,) but it does beg the question of how is he ghosting you anymore than you are ghosting him.

It seems that you are both now prepared to ghost the other.

Sounds like he's dumped you rather than you ghosting him tbh OP.

I’d say he’s dumped you op so there’s no ghosting about it.

Oh OP, as hard as it is this man doesn't care about your DC. He won't even do simple things like stick to the plan. Your kids have already endured an acrimonious split and parental alienation. These kids have been through a lot already. They need to be surrounded by nurturing adults. This man isn't it. Maybe spend some time in therapy yourself to figure out why you're attracted to these men.

Yes, it certainly feels as though he’s dumped me but I’m also of the opinion that it could be seen that I didn’t attempt to contact him at all after he arrived yesterday so I’m certainly not fighting for the relationship.

The ball is both courts. I’m not about to expose my kids to this without further investigation/discussion and I have them now until at least mid August so I guess I just sit tight abd see if anything is forthcoming.

Thanks all for your input. X

OP, it could also be possible that after standing by you for several drama laden issues with your ex, he realized that high drama may be a part of your relationship language and functioning and he may simply be unwilling to have that drama seep Into his relationship with his child.

Sometimes when drama and disagreement seems to find its way into more than 1 of your relationships , it may be helpful to do some insightful introspection.

@AppealingPeel

Oh OP, as hard as it is this man doesn't care about your DC. He won't even do simple things like stick to the plan. Your kids have already endured an acrimonious split and parental alienation. These kids have been through a lot already. They need to be surrounded by nurturing adults. This man isn't it. Maybe spend some time in therapy yourself to figure out why you're attracted to these men.

I am in therapy. Problem is, I tend to have a very balanced view and try to see everyone else’s point of view - I make allowances and I’m very empathetic so I let people explain their way out of things with excuses. If I don’t reach out to him, that can’t happen. X