Blending family

[Izbizbiz]

I’m really struggling with a situation and I need advice.
Bit of background-
My partner and I have been together for over 2.5 yrs.
I’ve been navigating an incredibly acrimonious divorce and secured a residence order of my children last October after being alienated from them by my ex. The relationship with their dad is obviously very complicated and I have been focusing on their welfare rather than introducing my partner more than just a couple of times over the years.
They were obviously aware of him, have met and know of him and his daughter but our involvement as a 5 has been very limited.
My ex took exception to my new partner and my children were dead against being around him for a really long time. I had bigger fish to fry so we didn’t push it.
With help from a child psychologist, we have slowly been increasing exposure and things were going ok.
After successful day trips together, We eventually decided to go on a trip for 4 days as a 5 last week.
My kids had a good time and everything seemed to be well except for a few situations which I addressed with my partner when I came home.
Namely, the difference in treatment that my partner seems to be giving his own daughter versus my 2 children. FYI. My kids are 11 and 7 and his daughter is 11.
On 2 separate occasions, we were buying the children treats. First time it was a faux jewel. The shop had 2 sizes, one at £4 and one at £10. I told my son to choose a small jewel and he and his sister chose one. My partner’s daughter asked if she could have the bigger one and I said no. My partner was there and heard. She whispered to him and he bought her the big one. My children were really shocked but didn’t push my boundary. I could tell my youngest was disappointed and I was really angry and my partner and disappointed with his daughter because I had said no and my 2 were getting the smaller version.
Then we were in another shop and he offered to buy them a healing crystal. He told all 3 kids they could have 1 each which they accepted until his daughter whispered to her dad again and she was bought 2 and my kids were bought 1.

There were also other instances when we ate out and he let her take all of the ketchup and didn’t consider anyone else, wouldn’t share drinks or food we bought to share and was bought her own when no one else was offered their own and still expected to share and she wasn’t forced or spoken to about it.

We bought a refill cup at a park for us all to share and she insisted on having her own, 4 of us shared 1 cup and she had her own.

Anyway, I know these things aren’t really a big deal in the grand scheme but given that I too have children that I have been working so hard to listen to me and cooperate with me, I feel like it really undermines and confuses my position. It also must make them feel less important.

Even if I didn’t have these challenges, I wouldn’t want my children brought up in this way.

I feel like his decisions to give her more than my children is insensitive.

I spoke to him about it to try to understand his point of view. I initially wondered if his view was that perhaps he felt I should be treating my children more than I am.

It wasn’t received well. He said he didn’t see an issue with what he did and obviously felt defensive of me tackling the issue because he started saying things about my children’s behaviour, them not including his daughter and my parenting style. I did try to discuss that I felt they should be treated the same and to referred back to our own personal values which I thought were exactly the same.

I was really upset about his reaction but I examined what he had said and genuinely thought whether there was any truth in what he said. I honestly can’t see his point of view, I feel like he just started being spiteful because he didn’t like what I said.

This all came to a head last night over the phone and we did have words. Eventually, he said my kids don’t have manners and I let them behave badly which just isn’t true. I’ve been very honest about my challenges with them and I am very aware of the issues we face but I do not agree with those points.

He came over unannounced this morning and demanded I give him back his key then stormed off. We haven’t spoken all day and I feel like I’m in a bit of a spin.

We usually have a great relationship when it’s just us and I genuinely couldn’t have gotten through the past couple of years without him but as I said, we didn’t mix our families until fairly recently so I’m really wondering if we don’t mesh on that level.

I’ve left an abusive marriage and struggled with gaslighting so I don’t always trust my own judgment. I’m really worried I’ve gone from one bad relationship to another or wondering if I’m tarring him with the same brush as my ex.

I don’t know what to do. Should I not have addressed these issues? Am I ignoring red flags or AITAH?

I don’t even know where to start with talking to him again.

Please help x

Its really difficult.

Once I got married to second husband and our DC were treated fairly when altogether,it soon went down hill very quickly.
We had all the children at Christmas and decided how much to spend on them so it was fair,only for him to reach under the sofa after they had all opened their gifts and out came more presents for his son. Big gifts too like an England football shirt!
Marriage lasted 15 months as it got no better!
Talk to him and listen before you take this any further

I don’t know why some posters are defending your DP re the jewels and finances not being blended. If I went out for the day with friends, I wouldn’t out-spend them or buy my children anything that the other family couldn’t / wouldn’t buy. It’s just common decency.

OP, it is quite possible to have a relationship that does not require blending families. Many adults have relationships that involve working
around children's schedules. It just depends on how much you want both things to work.

You would prefer to be alone all of the time as opposed to working through the dynamics of a dating while living apart?

Blending families successfully takes well adjusted and emotionally mature adults. I don’t think he’s up to it from what you have said. It must be really disappointing given what you have invested in the relationship. I wish you all the best.

@kerkyra

Its really difficult. Once I got married to second husband and our DC were treated fairly when altogether,it soon went down hill very quickly. We had all the children at Christmas and decided how much to spend on them so it was fair,only for him to reach under the sofa after they had all opened their gifts and out came more presents for his son. Big gifts too like an England football shirt! Marriage lasted 15 months as it got no better! Talk to him and listen before you take this any further

Gosh🙈 I could see him doing that. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing x

I've just left my DH so technically not really a step parent now but the things that made it possible for 8 years of having a blended family was us being on the same page and what the other said as long as it wasn't totally unreasonable was supported by the other.
We had to respect each others parenting style too and when we didn't agree on something we waited until we were alone to talk about it and we communicated about all the important things properly.

It stopped working partly because he stopped following the above.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, it is quite possible to have a relationship that does not require blending families. Many adults have relationships that involve working around children's schedules. It just depends on how much you want both things to work.

You would prefer to be alone all of the time as opposed to working through the dynamics of a dating while living apart?

I hadn’t really considered anything other than living together in the traditional way. I guess I always pictured us being completely involved in each other’s lives and families. I really wanted that. I still do

@MeanMrMustardSeed

I don’t know why some posters are defending your DP re the jewels and finances not being blended. If I went out for the day with friends, I wouldn’t out-spend them or buy my children anything that the other family couldn’t / wouldn’t buy. It’s just common decency.

Really? I would, I wouldn't be paying attention to what other families were buying. There's no reason it can't and shouldn't be like that especially in the early days of introducing the two families. I think immediately blending seems a bit of a sudden change.

@MeanMrMustardSeed

I don’t know why some posters are defending your DP re the jewels and finances not being blended. If I went out for the day with friends, I wouldn’t out-spend them or buy my children anything that the other family couldn’t / wouldn’t buy. It’s just common decency.

I totally agree with this, between us we usually agree first thing if it’s a ‘spendy’ day or a ‘cheapy’ day. Eg are we buying or taking lunch, shall we avoid the shop but treat them to an ice cream, unlimited rides or set amount etc.

I have one friend who can not say no to her children for anything, I choose very carefully which days out I go on with them, and would only usually go somewhere where once you’ve paid in most things are included as I cba with the hassle of feeling awful saying no to my child when hers are getting everything under the sun.

I couldn’t spend my time as a family with my children always feeling second best and being out done by another child. The drinks thing I could probably live with as not everyone would share with an unrelated family (but think you three should have shared and then dad & daughter not four & one) but the others would have really pissed me off.

I think you need to holt the blending and see if you can remain a couple but not a blended family.

@MeanMrMustardSeed
You are right about common decency , but common decency must also be combined with common sense. Common sense is saying that in this situation as it stands, all of the compromises would be expected of the partner and his daughter. Where is the equity in that kind of situation?

There is no requirement that these people blend and some obvious indicators that this may be one of those situations where attempted blending may be contra indicated.

He may be a great companion, lover, and friend, but their parenting styles may not be compatible. None of there children should have to suffer , but that does not mean that their personal relationship has to end.

@MeanMrMustardSeed

I don’t know why some posters are defending your DP re the jewels and finances not being blended. If I went out for the day with friends, I wouldn’t out-spend them or buy my children anything that the other family couldn’t / wouldn’t buy. It’s just common decency.

I agree! In fact my partner abd I spoke about a similar situation we witnessed where we were out as a couple with 2 of my friends and their families (our kids weren’t with us ) one of the dads bought his kids ice creams and came back to the company and the other kids were looking on longingly. We spoke about that just not being appropriate. Some people wouldn’t agree with me on that but I have strong feelings about including everyone to be fair. I’d have spoken to the other parents first and if I couldn’t afford to buy everyone an ice cream, we would have gone without before I let my kids sit in front of other kids eating a cone.

. In practice, he doesn’t follow his own advice which was a bit of an eye opener.
He has more money than me and his daughter is an only child so wants for nothing so as I see him indulging her over the years

I think if you have seen him indulge in the past, and not follow his own advice, then you are with a man who lacks integrity.
You need to do some soul searching and think back to how much he has done this in the past. It has hit home on this occasion, but from what you said above, the signs were there.
I highly doubt this will work as a family unit in the long run, especially when your kids are so close in age.

This one isn't a keeper OP. He gives no fucks about anyone but his kid. When we go on outings with friends we make sure the kids are all offered the same. If we stop at the zoo gift shop they all choice one small animal or whatever. I wouldn't be friends with someone who decided to buy their kid something twice as expensive in front of mind never mind marry! It's too basic a difference. Your kids have been through enough. This won't end well.

Throw all your energy into building a strong relationship with your kids and do not move in with this man. It will never work while the kids are still young enough to be living at home. He's just shown you that. Don't put your kids through a situation where his dd becomes queen bee every time she comes to stay. It's not fair on your kids and they need to be your priority in the same way that his dd is clearly his. You can continue your relationship if you wish away from the children, but tbh his toddler tantrum today would put me off.

@cauliflowerkorma
How is a child asking her parent for something that she wants acting like Queen Bee? She may have thought that the OP could not afford the trinket that she wanted, so she quietly and discretely asks her father. She did not defy or disrespect the OP. She asked her parent for something that she wanted. Her parent is the person to whom she should make these requests.

It is offensive to suggest that a parent who is able and has no problem with purchasing a trinket for his child is some how creating some entitled Queen Bee. Many people work very hard to be in a position to provide extras for their kids. That serves as one of the motivators for their hard work. If is offensive in so many ways to even remotely suggest the parents who have and are willing to provide toys , trinkets, electronics etc that their children request are somehow less caring or less effective parents.

It would have been far more effective for the OP and her partner to have either decided prior to the trip on a mutually agreed upon spending limit or to have agreed to manage their own Children's spending separately.
I did not see or read anything that suggested either of these.people were the better parent. I only read about 2 people having different parenting styles. Both different but neither better than the other.

She (his 11yo DD) May not want to be treated equally. She may have felt outnumbered and wanted to decline the gift because she wanted one from her dad, not you. This may appear rude to you, who offered, but maybe she is establishing her own boundaries and felt uncomfortable being ‘blended in’ rather than having a day out with her dad.

I understand why you are treading cautiously, and I’m sorry his reaction was so negative. How often does she spend time with her dad?

I think you need to step back.

You have a right to parent your children the way you want and buy things you want for your kids as he does his children.

You can’t treat them all the same… as there will be always an underlying biases. Which is natural.

I think you shouldn’t criticise each other parenting. Respect that it will be different and most likely remain different.

It’s best to keep finances and parenting styles separate. If he wants to buy his child something more - he is entitled and you are entitled to buy your kids less.

There will alway be difference - Xmas, birthday, inheritance etc … so keep things separate if you can, would be my advice.

@Izbizbiz
I hope that you find what you want, but this is a situation in which your wants are only one of five sets of wants that need to be considered.
Both of you are bringing baggage that prohibits you from making choices predicated solely upon what you want.
If you were a single woman with no children partnering with a single man with no children, life could be all about your individual wants, but that is no longer the case.
You do not have to modify your wants , but you should consider that what you want and what might work best for your children may not be quite the same.

@OliviaNewtAndJohn

She (his 11yo DD) May not want to be treated equally. She may have felt outnumbered and wanted to decline the gift because she wanted one from her dad, not you. This may appear rude to you, who offered, but maybe she is establishing her own boundaries and felt uncomfortable being ‘blended in’ rather than having a day out with her dad.

I understand why you are treading cautiously, and I’m sorry his reaction was so negative. How often does she spend time with her dad?

Of course he can buy her things and she can ask for things but if a person offers you something then you either accept or decline. You don’t ask for something bigger. Now these rules don’t apply to children because they don’t understand the world like adults do. However, it is our job as parents to teach our children to be grateful or at least respectful so I wouldn’t expect him to have dealt with it quite in the way that he did.

@Guavafish

I think you need to step back.

You have a right to parent your children the way you want and buy things you want for your kids as he does his children.

You can’t treat them all the same… as there will be always an underlying biases. Which is natural.

I think you shouldn’t criticise each other parenting. Respect that it will be different and most likely remain different.

It’s best to keep finances and parenting styles separate. If he wants to buy his child something more - he is entitled and you are entitled to buy your kids less.

There will alway be difference - Xmas, birthday, inheritance etc … so keep things separate if you can, would be my advice.

As many have said in this thread, it’s not comfortable to be around children where one gets something and another doesn’t regardless of who that child is. I just couldn’t buy my kids something and allow her to go without and it’s important to me that someone I’m with respects and understands that. Now I’m under no illusions that not everyone feels that way which is why I thought I was in a relationship with someone who held the same beliefs as me abd why I was surprised when his actions didn’t match his words.

I would be annoyed if you tried to dictate what I bought my children, yes his dd is probably spoilt, but it's not your concern. I can see why he is not happy about it.

This is an interesting point and one that he actually spoke about during our conversation. He said he knew she was trying to assert dominance... that’s not something I would have accepted or allowed in my children if I’m trying to blend a family and quite frankly it really worried me.

Well you know now that blending these two families isn't going to work.

I personally think the DC are told to 'blend', you've just got to accept the differences and parent your DC your way and he parent his his way.

I know my DH would do the same as your DP. He does it now with our DC, if we're out and they want something he thinks is fine, he'll get it for them regardless if our friends DC are getting it or not.

@Izbizbiz
Within your family is the place where it should be safe to be open and honest. His daughter openly and honestly expressed her opinion and wants, but it seems that perhaps you only want certain aspects of family within your blended unit.

Why would it be inappropriate for a child to respond with honesty within a unit that is being held out as her potential family unit?

If I were offering my child a gift that she did not particularly want and she made me aware that she would prefer a different item, I would not be upset with her. Certainly, I would not expect her to do that outside of our family unit, but within the confines of what is being presented as" her blended family unit" , I would expect to have created a unit where all of the children could safely express their thoughts and feelings.

It really seems as though boundaries are being imposed long before relationships have been established.

It seems that you want equal treatment and prescribed behavior but only on your terms.

Best to find a partner who both shares your principles and your expected manner of instilling those principles in his child. There are many paths to reaching similar outcomes. It seems as though you guys may be in agreement on outcomes but not necessarily on the path to reaching those outcomes.

Essentially, you are saying that you want a partner who is willing to take only your route to the destination. Clearly, this is not that man.

He may not be your Mr. Right, but that does not mean that Mr. Right is not out there somewhere. Sometimes, you have to kiss many toads to find your Prince.

• DC are to old to blend that should say.