I’m really struggling with a situation and I need advice.
Bit of background-
My partner and I have been together for over 2.5 yrs.
I’ve been navigating an incredibly acrimonious divorce and secured a residence order of my children last October after being alienated from them by my ex. The relationship with their dad is obviously very complicated and I have been focusing on their welfare rather than introducing my partner more than just a couple of times over the years.
They were obviously aware of him, have met and know of him and his daughter but our involvement as a 5 has been very limited.
My ex took exception to my new partner and my children were dead against being around him for a really long time. I had bigger fish to fry so we didn’t push it.
With help from a child psychologist, we have slowly been increasing exposure and things were going ok.
After successful day trips together, We eventually decided to go on a trip for 4 days as a 5 last week.
My kids had a good time and everything seemed to be well except for a few situations which I addressed with my partner when I came home.
Namely, the difference in treatment that my partner seems to be giving his own daughter versus my 2 children. FYI. My kids are 11 and 7 and his daughter is 11.
On 2 separate occasions, we were buying the children treats. First time it was a faux jewel. The shop had 2 sizes, one at £4 and one at £10. I told my son to choose a small jewel and he and his sister chose one. My partner’s daughter asked if she could have the bigger one and I said no. My partner was there and heard. She whispered to him and he bought her the big one. My children were really shocked but didn’t push my boundary. I could tell my youngest was disappointed and I was really angry and my partner and disappointed with his daughter because I had said no and my 2 were getting the smaller version.
Then we were in another shop and he offered to buy them a healing crystal. He told all 3 kids they could have 1 each which they accepted until his daughter whispered to her dad again and she was bought 2 and my kids were bought 1.
There were also other instances when we ate out and he let her take all of the ketchup and didn’t consider anyone else, wouldn’t share drinks or food we bought to share and was bought her own when no one else was offered their own and still expected to share and she wasn’t forced or spoken to about it.
We bought a refill cup at a park for us all to share and she insisted on having her own, 4 of us shared 1 cup and she had her own.
Anyway, I know these things aren’t really a big deal in the grand scheme but given that I too have children that I have been working so hard to listen to me and cooperate with me, I feel like it really undermines and confuses my position. It also must make them feel less important.
Even if I didn’t have these challenges, I wouldn’t want my children brought up in this way.
I feel like his decisions to give her more than my children is insensitive.
I spoke to him about it to try to understand his point of view. I initially wondered if his view was that perhaps he felt I should be treating my children more than I am.
It wasn’t received well. He said he didn’t see an issue with what he did and obviously felt defensive of me tackling the issue because he started saying things about my children’s behaviour, them not including his daughter and my parenting style. I did try to discuss that I felt they should be treated the same and to referred back to our own personal values which I thought were exactly the same.
I was really upset about his reaction but I examined what he had said and genuinely thought whether there was any truth in what he said. I honestly can’t see his point of view, I feel like he just started being spiteful because he didn’t like what I said.
This all came to a head last night over the phone and we did have words. Eventually, he said my kids don’t have manners and I let them behave badly which just isn’t true. I’ve been very honest about my challenges with them and I am very aware of the issues we face but I do not agree with those points.
He came over unannounced this morning and demanded I give him back his key then stormed off. We haven’t spoken all day and I feel like I’m in a bit of a spin.
We usually have a great relationship when it’s just us and I genuinely couldn’t have gotten through the past couple of years without him but as I said, we didn’t mix our families until fairly recently so I’m really wondering if we don’t mesh on that level.
I’ve left an abusive marriage and struggled with gaslighting so I don’t always trust my own judgment. I’m really worried I’ve gone from one bad relationship to another or wondering if I’m tarring him with the same brush as my ex.
I don’t know what to do. Should I not have addressed these issues? Am I ignoring red flags or AITAH?
I don’t even know where to start with talking to him again.
Please help x