A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Dollyparton3 it makes sense, different house, DSD won't be on her own theritory and she will have to abide by different rules. And the 'it's my family home' card is a big one.

After all comments I read here I'm starting to see it may not be an easy ride and hence it must planned very carefully.

@RedMarauder you are right, I need to be more straight to the point with her. I don't want her to think it is her place to tell me if I'm allowed to have a baby

What can I reply to the comment that her mum was a better one for her dad because she was the same age? I need to find a balance to tell her that clearly that's not the case because they aren't together and try not to offend her at the same time.

[quote RedMarauder]@LadyCluck you need to exam why you still want to be with him, especially as teenagers can decide how often they visit/stay and play games which he clearly will not stand up to.[/quote]
There is a lot going on at the moment. About 18 months ago I completely detached from the situation as I was being treated as nothing more than an unpaid nanny. I chat to the girls if they’re here but I now save my energy for my own children and it’s up to him to run around after the teenagers.

@FishyFriday it was not ideal but a combination of being made redundant (thanks covid!) finding new employment but on half the salary having to be thankful for not being unemployed for longer than a month and riding it out until the shit storm of this pandemic is over. My age meant we didn't have much time for baby and I got a positive after 12 months of trying and a matter of weeks away from the cut off we gave ourself. Add to that the stamp duty holiday meaning that my landlord then wanted to sell up and his tenants have him notice. The prospect of a whopping capital gains tax bill if sold along with a financial pay out to get rid of the exw. There is the perfect shit storm of how it happened to be. Its his house solely owned by him always solely owned by him she lived here a year in total. She doesn't want the house just cold hard cash. I thought it would be okay I thought I could cope. The 'it's just a house it's just bricks and mortar' he himself has said he doesn't want to be here which then makes my unreasonable pregnancy brain go oh that must be because of the memories! He swears its not. I'm in the situation now so have to role with it. Divorce has been ongoing for yonks we just couldn't put our lives on hold any longer she's using every delaying tactic in the book (to be and stay a part of our lives and to cause the drama it causes) add to that how delayed things are again due to covid particularly family court!

@Lena007 does she have other adult family members who are in a long-term relationship/married to someone younger than themselves? Like aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Then point out X is married to Y who is younger and your relationship is like theirs in terms of age. Then change subject.

Also as I said make sure your DP talks to his child and makes it clear that he is not getting back with her mother.

My DP had to do this a handful of times due to the shit his ex was coming out with. This was mainly to harass him and nothing about wanting to be with him. (Now she has decided we are getting married, but we aren't because DP wants to ensure my assets go to our child.)

Yesterday was STBH birthday, he received a birthday card from his 30 year old DD emblazoned with “from daddy’s little girl” across the front. To me it was a statement about where we all stand, I rolled my eyes internally, I probably sound paranoid being bothered by that after all the experiences I’ve had with this DD I don’t think I’m too far off the mark. I shouldn’t let petty things like this bother me and if we had a good relationship I’d laugh at it but we are marrying next week and I can’t help being concerned what the future is going to bring

@TheBuggerlugs tbh I'd tell her to do her own washing. Then it doesn't matter.

@Vie8126 it sounds like a hard situation right now. If it's any consolation if I was in your shoes my brain would be saying the same thing.

@Tara336 you kept your eye roll internal? Well done!

@Lena007 the best bet is to grey rock the "my
Mummy says" stuff.

I used to get "mum says we can't go on holiday because Dad doesn't give us enough money."

"Mum says you should be paying us maintenance now as well"

"Mum says you shouldn't be allowed to look after us alone because you've never had children"

"Mum says you need to come and pick me up because it's her day off"

Mum says she does t need to work more than 3 days a week because she's a mum".

I could go on. All clearly said with the intention of me reacting or biting back so it was all met with "oh, ok" then change the subject.

Pretty soon Mum stopped saying things and got on with building her new extension that the kids that couldn't go on holiday sat in when it was finished.

Dolly some of those are so familiar.
"Mum says you're too young to look after us"
"Mum says you need to pay more maintenance now you're working as we as dad"
"Mum says we can have a TV in our room here" in other words she's told them that so we have to go and buy a new TV.

Sorry @Tara336 but that last post of yours made me laugh out loud! My 15 yr dd wouldn't give her dad a card like that - she'd be (very maturely ) making sick faces at it!!!
Your work will be cut out with that one but if your stbh is on it that's most of the battle.

@TheBuggerlugs I've had a few discussions with my DP about how we were brought up.

Anyway he wasn't shown how to do anything at home and he said his home environment was messy and cleaning wasn't a priority.

I pointed out that due to being in a much larger family I had been expected to help out from a young age then get specific chores I did on my own about 10. Then by the time I was in 15 I could do housework, shop for food and do some basic DIY.

I also pointed out in my extended family within a year or so of starting secondary school you did your own laundry. What I forgot to add as as you were expected to do a full load if you didn't have one and wanted to do some washing then you would have to put someone else's, who wasn't fussy about their clothes being washed, in to have one. (So my clothes were frequently washed by my older siblings as they needed full loads.)

Once you were in secondary school it was also up to you to keep your bedroom clean and tidy. If you didn't want to then the door was kept closed. Your mess wasn't allowed to leave your bedroom. If you shared a room then arguments over one of your causing a mess were mostly ignored by the adults. (Different parents in the family have different rules about eating in bedrooms, which I suspect depends on whether their children are the type to leave dirty plates and cups in their room.)

Anyway now his eldest, who is still in primary school, washes up at least once a day and help with cleaning and tidying in general including with laundry. They help with food preparation for meals and food shopping. After initially getting his child to wash up this is all now driven by my DP, though he sometimes checks with me whether doing a certain task is age appropriate.

@Reachersloveinterest we've had some corkers over the years. The irony is that it went to a point where we had no clue what mum did or didn't say and SD cottoned onto that pretty quickly.

"Mum says I have to have the latest iPhone otherwise I'll get bullied at school" that one went into full scale tears and histrionics when DH said no.

@StarryNight468 I am doing some amazing online courses. Even in things like logical thinking which is free on the futurelearn Platform. I'm changing career at the grand old age of 50 and there are also amazing webinars to join. Scroll through that bit of LinkedIn for webinars that might interest you.

@TheBuggerlugs huffing is normal and they get worse before they get better.

@Lena007 It CAN all work out, but the issues you are describing are often not just teething troubles.

Reading Stepmonster will help - not to put you off or make you jaded about the whole endeavour. But it covers lots of common issues that come up for stepmothers and how that affects them.

Most of us went into this with a 'we'll just work through some issues and it'll be fine' attitude but it turned out that hoping for the best and trying to be a good person aren't always enough. The book doesn't solve any issues, but it helps you to figure out why you might feel a certain way and that you shouldn't see yourself as an awful person for, for example, not loving your stepchildren as if they're you're own children.

There's also something to be said for being aware of the dynamics and how they affect many families to help you to anticipate and plan for the kinds of issues you'd never even consider if it weren't a stepfamily. It might help you avoid some of the mistakes that many of us have made.

@Magda72 I’ve chosen to step back and not engage with his DC he was going to cut off contact with DD last year as he was getting sick of her behaviour. I encouraged him to not give up and retain a relationship which is funny really when you think that if it wasn’t for me “interfering”they would be NC but she still can’t resist taking little swipes at me. Obviously she’s has no idea how close he came to walking away. Apparently I’m always asked after which is hilarious when you think she can’t be in the same room as me and not be rude!

[quote Tara336]@Magda72 I’ve chosen to step back and not engage with his DC he was going to cut off contact with DD last year as he was getting sick of her behaviour. I encouraged him to not give up and retain a relationship which is funny really when you think that if it wasn’t for me “interfering”they would be NC but she still can’t resist taking little swipes at me. Obviously she’s has no idea how close he came to walking away. Apparently I’m always asked after which is hilarious when you think she can’t be in the same room as me and not be rude![/quote]
If only any of the other people involved properly recognised that, rather than going for the situation that would probably be 'best' for you, you've tried to support them having a relationship. Clearly the problem is you 🙄.

These things are such a bloody mess really.

I got - ‘mum says your are a hypocrite’!
Because I bought a small bottle of coke to mix with rum… and wouldn’t let the kids drink it.
Talk about stirring up bad feelings over nothing!
@FishyFriday @Magda72 @Tara336 you are so right it can just become a big old mess, not in our control, but which we get the blame. A no win situation.

@TheBuggerlugs to be fair ExDH did a lot of chores, the washing. I did all the cooking, tidying, maintenance of house, gardening, hoovering etc.

@FishyFriday absolutely my life would be better (and is) without the drama I’m very grey rock about it when STBH complains about her behaviour, he has in the past made her apologise to me for some of the nastiness and we moved on (well I did) but then it started again and I had enough and said I’m done but you need to maintain a relationship, then her behaviour towards him deteriorated and he was stressed at the thought of having contact with her. I said take a breather and then try and move forward and they have, I just don’t want too anymore she’s had a lot of chances with me and I’m done. I will always try and do the right thing by him and by me and he doesn’t blame me for feeling the way I do so our relationship is as good as ever and I realise I am very very lucky in that way, but there have been moments when I’ve thought life would be easier out of this situation but I love him and this is where we are with things I guess

@Bananasinpyjamas21 I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can see myself feeling the same, absolutely hating it and feeling trapped. Because moving house isn't what you want to do often.

@RedMarauder thanks, Im going to try that next time and speak to DP too. The thing is he is there sometimes when she says these things and he doesn't react. He hasn't dated anyone before me since split with DSD mum, maybe that's why he doesn't know he should react in these situations? I didn't want to make a big deal out of it but it looks like the sooner we react the better.

@Dollyparton3 thank you for sharing your experience of it. Im not sure how much of these comments come from DSD and how much it's her mum influencing her.

@FishyFriday I would like to make it work but can't help to feel I was too naive and too positive to think these were just tiny issues, just a phase most step kids go through and of course that it will pass guickly...

@Bananasinpyjamas21 I’m certainly used to being blamed for things! Before lockdown we went to a concert SD met us at venue, hadn’t seen her since her accusations of me swearing at her etc but once again I was willing to let it go. We arrived (myself, DD,STBH) and DD saw SD first and waved, she was blanked so assumed not been seen, when we got closer hi said hi how are you and SD turned her back on me! Blanked my DD again. When we went in the venue the atmosphere was awful STBH and I sat in between SD and DD and it was like we were separate groups all evening! My DD said I tried mum and I said it’s fine I know. STBH was very stressed and honestly the relief when SD got out the car when dropped home was palpable we went from sitting in the car in silence to relaxed and happy, chatting and laughing when she had gone,

@Lena007 he needs to do it one-on-one with his child without you or any other adult present. This is because otherwise his child will think he's only saying it because you are there. Then if she then says anything in your presence he can turn around and say something like "We discussed this before" to her and change the subject.