A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@StarryNight468 this 'It's not just the dps who expect mum no 2, dhs ex screams at him that dss should be my priority when she puts a guilt trip on dh. To put it bluntly he isn't my priority, I want all the DC to be treated fair to their ages, their needs and wants are juggled around mine and dh needs and wants too. No one is more special then another.' is so true and just what I would like however unlikely to ever get.

My DP doesn't understand how when my exh has work he won't ask his new partner to take on responsibility for our Dd so will juggle contact around his work commitments my DP says well he has PARTNER2 so why can't she collect DD - because she isn't her responsibility. My exh is a bit flaky but he doesn't shift the responsibility onto anyone but me our dcs mother yes it makes plans difficult sometimes but I do hold some respect in that he doesn't expect his DP to pick up his contact childcare.

@FishyFriday yes around the quarantine. However I am worried it will be chucked in my face that my 16 year old is working 7 days a week in a customer facing summer job and my DD is mixing with her friends and that I am expecting different rules. In fact I know that is what will be said. Along with the fact that he travels on public transport into the city every day for work. I'm thinking sanitised hands, not too many kisses etc to try to reduce the spread of germs regardless.

The scenario you describe sounds awful for you all. Have you told him you won't be doing the childcare for him to go to gym? I think after last night and asking him to collect my DD and him saying no as I was tired and still had dinner and things to do I will be saying to him well what's happening with dsd whilst you do xyz. Mil doesn't really help as to make things easier for her sometimes she will make her own arrangements with the ex so for example at Xmas instead of dsd going back to her mother's mil will agree that dsd can stay for 11 days said last time this was agreed well I assume your mother is having her on the extra days.

I wonder if I can interrupt... I'm becoming increasingly more unhappy with my step parent situation but I really don't know why.

Bit of background - I have known my DSD since she was 3, her parents split at 6months so she's never known them together. She has a SD from 2 years. She and I have had a great relationship from the start - good relationship with ex too (even if she annoys me but only DH and I are aware of this).

DSD has recently starting making comparison comments between myself and her mum. It doesn't upset me at all but it does make me not want to hang out with her alone much. She's started being extra clingy towards her dad. If he leaves the room she's up following all the time, feels like she doesn't want to be around me either.

I used to be so helpful from early on. On DH days, I would do school runs (is i was helping him). Over the years DHex has changed job due to covid and is now busy after school hours. Asked DH to get DSD most days from school. He is self employed so such things would lose him money so I offered. Then on the days I wasn't doing that, DH was picking up DSD and taking her to clubs because she is either working or her DH is working.

I took a look at things and other than overnight stays we were almost 90% with her. Yet he was still giving out quite high CMS and paying for stuff. I found myself resenting doing everything like school runs all the time (i work PT so it was suggested we do school runs on my days off).

I have a DD who is 3 and will start school herself too and part of me is like ffs my days off are being spent doing favours for DHex, although I'm doing them for DH they are essentially for her. I'm not having my free time to do what I please with my daughter.

I said to DH I will happily continue to collect DSD on days we are supposed to have her but these extras, you agreed to so you do it- leave work early. I figured only then will he realise how often it really is. He has noticed but is scared to go back on it and is currently trying to hatch an counter offer LOL nothing has materialised yet and I'm expected to collect DSD tomorrow. We will see.

I just find myself resenting DSD atm. I hate it too as me and DH are so there for each other like a team but with DSD recent attitude, when i get her from school there is just tension constant asking when dads home... she is rude to my DD all the time and tries her hardest all the time to get her in trouble.

We are trying for another too and im just like ERRHHGGGHGHGHGHH suffocating in pressure and expectation.s

Anyone got any advice? jeez i have rabbited on

Oh the re-heated food thing has pissed me off. My dad worked for a national newspaper in the sports department and frequently had to work late when the football was on, or in the 70's and 80's had to work nights for things like Olympics or the Ashes in Australia. My mum was a stay at home mum then and still only cooked one evening meal - my dad lived off reheated meals, first in the oven and then later on we got a microwave (admittedly the size of a house). He never ever complained - he knew that if he wanted freshly cooked food he'd have to cook it himself, and he was perfectly happy with reheated.

@dorris88 it sounds like the ex is taking the piss there. She wants the maintenance but doesn't actually want to do the resident parenting part. She needs to pick one.

If I were your DH, I'd be insisting on shifting residency. Your SD is with you 90% of her waking hours. You are doing the school pick ups and the clubs and such like. It sounds like your home should be the primary residence and the mum can have contact around her work commitments. If she doesn't want to do this, then one of the things that child maintenance pays for is the childcare she requires so that she can accommodate her work schedule. Otherwise, if he (or mostly you!) pick her up from school, that's the house she's staying in for the night. That's better for her. She can settle down after school and just relax in whichever house she is.

No wonder you are resentful about this. Tbh, this sort of thing is one of the many reasons the child maintenance system just doesn't work. The crude measure of number of nights a child sleeps in a given bed very often does not reflect what is actually happening or where the costs lie. In all sorts of ways. There are plenty of RP's paying for childcare after school (off curtailing their work hours - and earning) to provide the childcare themselves only for their ex to rock up at 6.30 and take the kids to his house to basically put them to bed (at 7.30 often) and then take them to school in the morning. And have that factored into the maintenance due. And also plenty if NRPs doing similar things to your household.

My fool of a husband often complains that my ex doesn't prove that he pays the CMS rate to me. But I am not kicking up a fuss or being a dick about what he does pay. DS sleeps here 11/14 nights, yes. But his dad picks him up from school, feeds himself, hangs out with him, takes him to training etc and then drops him here to sleep on 4 of the other nights each fortnight. It's a 50-50 split of his conscious hours but where DS prefers to sleep in the same bed all week and have all his school uniform etc here. But it looks like his dad 'hardly has him'.

He pays quite a lot of maintenance considering, even if it might be £20 or so out from whatever the CMS rate is. The actual figure reflects the fact that I pay all the annoying costs - swimming costs a bloody fortune; I buy most of the school uniform; I pay for school trips; I do all the school lunches, etc. And the maintenance reflects more or less his share of that stuff.

But my H, who admittedly does pay a great deal more in maintenance, seems to think that my ex doesn't contribute financially to DS because he doesn't send me his annual calculation and disclose his salary etc. Not that he really needs to anyway - he's got a job where you can look up the payscales and see the range of what people on his grade earn. That's why I know that, at most, there could be about £20 in it anyway.

I should add that my response to the bitching I hear about CMS rates is always that there is no requirement to use the CMS system - you can work out a fair arrangement yourselves. It's not my fault that my husband and his ex would both be incapable of discussing things and agreeing the best way to share the costs of their children. Or anything else really.

That might be a contributing factor to how bloody difficult things are. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@SweatyBetty20 apparently it's controversial that cooking the food should come with the privilege of eating it while it's hot. Sure there's no problem with reheated food. But if I'm cooking it, why should I never get it at its best (and instead the children whose behaviour causes the problems should be rewarded with that)? It's not like I'm advocating starving them or feeding them some sort of scraps. It's literally the same food we'll all have eaten the day before (with planning to ensure that it's the kind of thing that reheats nicely!)

This is the kind of crap you could never anticipate when you decided to try having a relationship with a man with children. How do you foresee this kind of weird logic? And the inability to reason with someone viewing the world through the fearful, guilty, over-entitled divorced dad filter. You'd only be able to consider it if you were also prone to bizarre thinking.

Can I join, please?

I'm at the beginning of the road and some situations you all have been through are so difficult. I have a DP and 8 years old DSD. She is a lovely girl and the only problems I have had with her were relating to comparisons between me and her mum and comments like 'my mum was better suited for my dad because she was the same age as him and you are too young' (4 years younger) or saying that I'm not allowed to sleep in the same bed with her dad, or kiss her dad or have kids with her dad because she doesn't want to have any siblings. I'm not sure how to respond to these so always say 'oh okay, cool' and change the subject. She used to tell me she loves me and but recently backtracked to say she loves everyone else except of me. I have known her for nearly a year.

We are thinking about moving in together in the near future and one of the possible options will potentially be to move in to DP's marital home, still jointly owned by DP and his ex. DSD and her mum live there atm but there are talks of ex wanting to sell the house and move somewhere else. Would this be a big no no?

@Bananasinpyjamas21 you have mentioned it was one of the biggest mistakes. Would you mind sharing why?

I wouldn't move into that house for all the money in the world, @Lena007. The loyalty bind issues you're having with your SD and her feelings that she's the main woman in her dad's life/in charge will only be magnified in that situation.

Plus you'll never feel that it's your house.

What you need is a fresh start with a new home for you and your partner. That's better for your SD as it can help her to move on and work through any issues she has about her parents' break up.

You should read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. She discusses what happened when she moved into her now husband's home (not even the former marital home if I remember correctly) and had to literally build a wall. It's illuminating.

Another similar pattern, how the DSC, girls particularly go through the phase of being clingy to their fathers and act like their fathers are theirs and theirs alone.

I experienced this the start of the year. Whenever DP sat down the child would almost sit on top of him and at 13 years old, taller than me at 5'6". Overly hugging, following around and being very needy. If DP and I sat together she would either kick up a fuss or muscle her way in. Looking back that was the start of when I became number one on the hated list!

Lena you couldn't pay me to move into a house that belonged to my DP and his Ex jointly. It was bad enough moving into my DH's house that he bought post divorce - ExW still treated any place her kids lived as hers, marching in to my kitchen and putting the kettle on uninvited, going upstairs and using the bathroom without a word. If it was her house first, it would always be her house. Everything would be her choice down to the colour the walls are painted. No thanks.

@Lena007 please think very carefully about your next step and whilst we can't tell you what to do, you seriously need to try and eliminate the moving into the marital home as an option.

It may be an 'easy' option, but for many reasons this may not end well. In the child's mind it is her parents family home. There are already signs there may be trouble ahead and add pre-teen and teen hormones into the mix in a few years, it can be a very tough ride. I miss the DSC at that age and younger when we all got on so well.

Yes the parents have split up, but she will view it as 'their' home. You will always be on the outside and it will never your home. I am not sure what the ex is like, but at drop-offs for example if done at the house, what happens if she starts to come into the house and your home space starts to not feel like your own.

I would strongly recommend you and your DP need to start afresh in your own home for everyone concerned and the longevity of the relations with your DP and the DSD.

Haven't read all the comments but @Lena007 do not move into that house. I have just moved to the FMH owned solely by my DP that the ex wife hasn't lived in for 4 years as he had tenants and no amount of you can redecorate however you want (except I can't as there's time and money constraints) is making it feel like mine. It's making me feel trapped. I had such anxiety esp about DSD coming round which I told DP about he said don't be silly it's our house now. Then proceeded to whisper in a corner with her and aks her if she remembered living there and how her room (which is the baby's room now) was exactly the same (it's been redecorated so why tell her this) she didn't remember but dad gave her the ammunition esp then when she went back and told ex wife so now she comes with mummy said you have to sell this house etc etc. Mummy is after half of his property thru divorce which is not sorted so now my children and I are faced with moving again. Add to that the 'it's my house my rules' around the step child and any discipline I want to put in place or have my children follow. Do not move into that house.

That sounds so difficult @Vie8126. And your partner needs to take a good, long look at himself for his part in all this.

I don't know how you are managing coping with living together and having a baby while he's still not bloody divorced. I couldn't do it. I didn't live with my husband until his divorce was finalised and all the finances etc sorted. And still the stress of divorce by proxy was awful.

I remember staying over in the FMH while H was trying to sell it (so the equity could go to his ex - that had already been agreed), and even helping him to decorate it so it might have a hope of selling. I was never comfortable there really. I can't imagine feeling like it was my home. Hilariously the ex (in a pantomime style performance in front of her ex neighbours for whatever reason she had) accused me of trying to steal her house. 🙄 I calmly told her that I had my own, extremely nice, house in a much more desirable location and it was worth considerably more money than the one no one wanted to buy (because she had let the kids trash it and it was hideous dated - including some curtains she'd chosen that I was convinced must have come with the 1991 decor in the house). Why on Earth would I have wanted her house.

I cannot imagine how hard it is to be living in one of the marital assets they're squabbling over while that's going on. 😱

To be really clear, I am in no way judging your choices there. Not in my glass house of making choices based on hopes for the best and then being demoralised by the reality.

Mine is another voice to add to the do not move into the former marital home chorus @Lena007. While it may feel convenient now, you may end up paying for it down the line, especially if your DSD begins constantly referencing the way her DM did things in the house, or that it's really her DM's house; having to grit your teeth and smile through it will drive you insane, particularly if your DP is one who will laugh along with her like it's one big joke.

If I was you, I'd get a new house with your DP, even if that means renting out the former marital home, and renting another yourselves. It's a pressure you don't need, if you can avoid it.

@Lena007 categorically do not move into the FMH. That child will view it that you have usurped her and her mum from her home.

Second of all, with these issues there already, why would you even be thinking about moving in together? These issues started to rise with me with my exp’s children and I am eternally grateful that I took the decision to halt the relationship and not consider cohabiting. It would have been a nightmare for everyone!

Retain your own home! (And your sanity!)

@Vie8126 thats the dream - imagine saying that in a nuclear family!

@FishyFriday your dc absolutely have to be your priority as your dh caused such an impacting divide

@Lena007 definitely don't move into that house! I completely echo what others are saying!

I'm waiting for dh and dss to come home, I'm going to practice my detachment and have a bath and exfoliate ready for fake tan tomorrow as that always makes me feel happy and pretty 🙌

Enjoy your bath @StarryNight468. 😁

@Lena007 don't say "Ok cool" tell her that certain things are for you and her dad to decide, or you alone to make the decision as an adult.

You really need to get your partner to talk to his child, and this will need to happen more than once, to explain that you are his girlfriend, he is no longer with her mother and will not be getting back with her mother.

Also do not move into the home he shared with his ex.

Even if you rent a home you risk the ex charging in but at least you can tell her to get out of your home as it is your home and can actually in the worse case take legal steps to ensure she can't enter. However if he isn't divorced and she charges in it is very difficult for you to kick her out and keep her out.

@Lena007 another vote for doing everything but moving into that ex marital home. My SD aged 13 presented herself as a "mini wife" and I believe this is a thing. She parroted from day 1 all of the judgemental things that her mother voiced in front of her. The way she spoke to my DH was insane.

She lorded it over me in DH's bachelor pad, bought well before I arrived on the scene.

When we moved in together I sold my house, bought a new bigger family home and he rented his house out. SD then had a new dynamic going on and I'm pretty sure we headed off a multitude of problems due to the fact that she couldn't throw her weight around like the boss babe of the home anymore.

We have a new set of problems now but having the ability to say "I'm not having her in our home after that" meant that at the very least DH and I haven't fallen out over it. Because I have a right to say how I'm spoken to in my own home and although she's held a number of guns to our head, "this is my family home" isn't one of hers when we have to draw a very firm line.

Hi Ladies.
Can I join? I had a bit of a break from the step-parenting boards for a couple of months but have found my way back here.
I have two teenage stepdaughters and husband is a founding member of the Disney Dad society. A lot of our issues and frustrations come from him rather than the girls.

@LadyCluck you need to exam why you still want to be with him, especially as teenagers can decide how often they visit/stay and play games which he clearly will not stand up to.

@StarryNight468 what great advice from your aunt. Sadly I'm 30+ years in with this SF malarkey. DH ExW continues to try to call the shots. It's now the DSGC that are the focus of the family and the power games. Things had got better over the years but because ExW never met anyone and is a total wacko she still believes that her and DH should still be together. The fact is he didn't want to marry her when she asked him but was too weak to say no. I've been unceremoniously dropped as being part of the family since DSGC came along but as your Aunt says make your own life around the craziness that is other people. You have no control over their bizarre behaviour. After all these years I've now decided to step back and consider me. Our own adult DC have a limited relationship with their SS but that's because they can see how destructive and odd the DSC family are.

Brilliant advice and so many points I haven't considered. I thought the phase of comparing me to DSD'S mum is a natural process and it will pass. Will it not? Does that mean there are problems ahead?

I have ordered the Stepmonster, thanks for recommendation @FishyFriday.

DP does all pick ups and drop offs, his ex doesn't drive (it's 10 mins drive one way). I have never met her. She can be very vocal and argumentative, that's what I have noticed so far through my own observations and joining dots. Still the chances of her popping in are slim. I hope!

@Liddywiddy I'm worried DSD one day tells me that it's not my home but it's her parents and hers. Plus the fact I would be living in the place that will have their memories and maybe DP would have some nice memories from when they were happy and this house would be reminding him that?

@Vie8126 what a difficult situation you are in, I feel for you and I do understand where you are coming from. It's all the memories that are in the house, isn't it.

@Starseeking I would absolutely hate that and I can see potential issues with DP not wanting to change some things in the house/ garden to not upset DSD. It would cause a massive issues on my part.

@sassbott I didn't view these issues as something serious. I thought this is just a phase and it will pass. Relationships where there are already children from previous relationships would always be not that straightforward, and there are always going to be some sort of difficulties, I thought

@StarryNight468 enjoy your spa night

@Lena007 because I was always the outsider, always viewed that I had ‘come in’ to THEIR lives, and viewed as ‘weaker’ as in, it wasn’t MY home (no matter that I was paying half the mortgage), psychologically it was theirs first and they had lived in it as a family with their mother. Even small things like ‘why have you moved the clock’? To… ‘oh you like gardening, well my mother planted that, her Dad put in those roses… ‘

Oh… and did I mention… one year after moving in EW let herself in with a key! (Apparently had been going on for ages, unbeknown to me)