A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

but if these dads were able to parent without the threat of contact being pulled by ex,

Unfortunately many men think inaction will give them an easy life regardless of whether they are separated dads or not.

This means they won't step up and parent unless they realise they need to as no-one else will do so for them. In the case of separated dads having another naive female adult around means they can side step this issue and ignore it.

They won't face up to and deal with their ex's threats of stopping contact or giving contact when she feels like unless they realise they need to. The ones who tend to realise they need to are the ones who realise that it is part of parenting.

My DP and some other separated dads I know had threats of their ex withholding their children and in some cases actually doing it. What helped them is that this happened when the children were young and their ex realised that she didn't have the childcare support network she thought, so if she wanted free time and/or to be able to work she needed someone to do childcare for her. Yes some dads had to go to Court to get the boundaries established, but others didn't.

@RedMarauder it's interesting that many of these apparently terrified fathers never try to challenge their supposedly evil exes or use the means available to them (mediation and the courts) to remove the power to deny contact entirely. You'd think they'd all be at it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd imagine there is an enormous correlation between fathers who left everything to their wives or partners when they were together and the choice to become Disney dads. It's just so much easier in the immediate moment to hand out chocolate and buy a videogame before handing the kids back on Sunday afternoon than it is to consistently and fairly set boundaries and stick to them.

A SM is doubly convenient in that she can do it all for you. And then everyone can think she's the mean one. It's a win-win for many men.

I don't even think they realise that's what they're doing generally. They're just so used to not having to do anything and getting the fun bits only.

@RedMarauder many fathers upon separation do not know their rights especially when the children are so young and the ex manipulates them, trying to say what is best for the children. Many fathers are upset the relationship has ended and feel guilty the children will not grow up as they intended when first married.

Then if the father's are lucky enough to obtain more knowledge and realise they are entitled to XYZ, they push further and my DP did this through mediation and he would have gone to court if needed. The ex hated this and gave in not so she had EOW free or needed childcare, but because to family and friends she wants to be seen in good light. Behind closed doors she is as awkward as they come.

For my DP when I say the ex will stop contact, she would never do it fully. Again she will not want to be seen in bad light. But manipulate the children to do more things with her. Pull on their heart strings and subtle but negative thoughts about our home. Clever and dangerous and then more of a grey area if attempting mediation again, especially when older and 7 years after the original.

@Liddywiddy I think you're making too many excuses for the men here. When people find themselves in new situations, they don't know their rights or the norms or whatever. So they find out.

It's well documented that women are much more likely to do this finding out in a whole range of spheres. Men don't bother or expect their wife to do it for them.

Interestingly these me who are so helpless and naive in relation to child arrangements orders, very often seem to manage to get advice about the financial side of separating.

It's not hard to Google this stuff, even if you can't manage to consult a solicitor.

@FishyFriday I totally agree some men take the back seat and it is women who are more inclined to do the research. It often takes a new partner to show the man he can do X and pushes him into it. Absolutely. I have seen this happen with peers and read about it many times.

I really feel for all you other SMs, with familiar tales of trying hard, being rejected, withdrawing and then being blamed for being distant and cold. Reading your stories what strikes me is the enormous pressure we are under. It’s very stressful and must affect our mental wellbeing. On top of that many of us are trying to bring up our own kids too.

And the saying ‘no’… yes wow it’s like war breaks out. I asked DSD once in three years to tidy her room, ONCE! I asked nicely. She didn’t speak to me for 3 weeks. Glared at me every single night at dinner.

Letting a child become manipulating and resentful backfires on their parents in the end I believe. When DSD was 19, I asked her politely to stop ignoring me and my son in our own home, that a short hello was fine but the hostility had to end. Her mother had been also ramping up hostility towards me, firing up her daughter. Her father was telling me ‘he was conflicted and in the middle’.

So DSD, to ‘punish me’ I believe, cried to her father that she couldn’t bear to live with me anymore, that it was all ‘too much’. It was too shut me up I think from asking her for just some cordiality within the home. However he took her at her word, believed her, and she moved back to her Mums. Her mum, because she was hostile to me, lapped it up. DSD liked the attention. My DH took her out for meals and treats. Everyone treated me like I was Evil Step Mum number one.

However, by that time, I knew that my own kids were suffering under all the hostility and I just couldn’t take the stress. So I was actually relieved that she chose to leave. My own son, who never criticises a soul, also told me he was hugely relieved. To that I felt so guilty I’d let it go on for so long. I didn’t really care that DH was moody with me, wouldn’t discuss it with me. I just thought, enough is enough I am out of here if DH doesn’t like it.

And as I knew it would, after 3 months, through DSDs mum there were ‘strong’ calls for DSD to be ‘able to move back into her home’. No apologies, no explanations, no reasons why I was suddenly ‘OK’ but 3 months earlier had been ‘unbearable’. I knew it was pushed from her mum. However all her hostility, all DHs weakness, and the resulting manipulation from DSD were not something I was prepared to put up with anymore. So everyone lost out in that. Except me and my kids who at least gained a peaceful and harmonious household at last.

Please can I join ?
I've a 18 year old Dss and I can truthfully say I have hardly any relationship with him after nearly 6 years of trying .
My DP and his ex had split years ago and both had other partners .
From the day he met me he was dertimend to hate me and his dm didnt help .
His ex has been nasty about how I look my job and the fact I'd never had kids..she would regularly ring dp drunk to insult me.One high light was my DP must be secretly gay as I have short hair . I kid you not .
The times she was sober and wanted to talk about dss I was told I had to leave the house no matter what to please her .
The pair of them tried everything to split us up and our first holiday as a couple was ruined as they called my DP for silly reasons at least 16 times aday ...I counted .
I got told it will get easier as he got older ,it hasnt .its now got to the point I only speak to dss if have to and try and be out of the house when hes around .my dss cant complain as for several years he threatened not to vist if i was there ,so he got his wish i go out .now being told hes moaning i avoid him and don't like him .
He never stayed over as his mum lives 10 mins away and he must sleep there .so i was spared that .My dps ex has a drink problem and finally getting help ,.she rang the other night to apologise to my DP for past behaviour...great.
Guess what I dont get one as to quote her why should she ?
I must be mad to stay .

@Bananasinpyjamas21 the best decision I ever made was to refuse to move in with my exp.
Bluntly I looked at the drama with the EXW and the children and thought ‘this cannot be the rest of my life.’ The prospect of having to share my life with someone who came with all of this was so overwhelming I ended the relationship. I honestly preferred the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life to having to survive through absolute hell.

Since I split with my exp my life has been wholly peaceful, my home lovely and harmonious. Of course it’s hard (in terms of being single), but I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally. Living through the stress/ pressure/ really messed up dynamics really took its toll on me.

I still see my exp and there may be a reconciliation. But it will be on the clear proviso that he will always have to maintain a separate home for contact with his children. They are not ever living with me or my children. This ensures my home is not disrupted by any drama the ex chooses to whip up. My children are protected and kept well away from it all. His children get plenty of 121 time with him as the NRP.

As and when I see them (occasionally), I am warm, friendly, welcoming but treat them the exact same way I would treat any friend of my childrens. I care for their welfare when they’re in my house/ care. I feed them and ensure they’re looked after. They in turn respect my home, the people within the home. And beyond that, nothing is really my issue.

There is nothing that would make me go back there (to trying to actively get involved and build a family). My health is my priority. I just wished I learned everything I know now, much faster than I did.

When I think back I think a lot of this boils down to the expectation put on women to ‘step up/ care for/ love/ nurture’ children (who are not theirs).
The expectation comes from society, the men in these situations and (to a large extent), ourselves. As a PP put it, i went through a horrific stage of hating myself over how I felt about children! Never before in my life had I found spending time with children so hard/ draining/ stressful. I would dread seeing them.

Who created that situation? Bluntly it started with their mother (completely non supportive of them forming any sort of bond with me), which was then exacerbated by my exp who then expected me to kick into mary poppins overdrive mode to over compensate for all the damage the mother was attempting to wreak.

In hindsight the best thing that could have happened for the children was for pressure to be completely removed and for them to just be able to spend time with their dad and for them to find their cadence as their own little unit. And for my exp to say to me ‘this isn’t nice, it isn’t easy, I’m sorry my children are treating you this way. If you don’t want to actively spend time with us, I understand. Let’s give the situation some space, I love you, thank you for sticking with me.’

That level of simple gratitude, recognition of the dynamic and removal of any expectation would have probably made the whole situation somewhat bearable.

I cannot fathom why these men cannot make these emotional separations and recognise that their partners are not mother no. 2 that can replace their ex wives.

It’s so sad seeing what everyone has been through (but also a relief to see I am not alone) but putting it simply what have we actually done wrong? We met someone, fell in love and built a life together. Yes it’s difficult seeing your child with the new wife or girlfriend I remember seeing a post on Facebook of the latest girlfriend with my daughter (this one was the final straw to my marriage) and I wanted to scream get away from her but I didn’t, I didn’t embarrass my daughter I didn’t embarrass myself I just did nothing because no matter how I felt I had to remember that my daughter was also spending time with my STBH and my ex was having to accept that gracefully as well.

I understand all the thoughts and fears that go through the ex wife’s mind because I am one, but I love my DD I want her to be relaxed and happy and a credit to me and how I have raised her, it seems that not all women are logical and able to actually see that they hurt everyone not just the evil woman who happened to meet their ex and fall in love

My DP has a child arrangement order. It doesn't stop the withholding contact and making demands. His meant to have a weekly phone call that stopped around lockdown last year, he was devastated. I was glad as the stress leading up to the call and after the call wasn't worth it for me. He would be clock watching for 2 hrs before hand it would never be on time the whole house had to stop for the call nothing could be arranged for the time the call was due. His exw would then normally proceed to have it on speaker and shout abuse or keep dsd away from the phone so he couldn't hear it. He would then sulk and relive the call all night. My argument was why are you surprised it's like this every week just let it go but it seemed impossible.

As part of the CAO all contact for arrangements goes via DPs mums who would pass on the exs various demands such as at Xmas everyone has to be covid tested before dsd comes, being pregnant and working in education with two children I'm aware of the risks and knew what signs to look for (before lfd tests) so refused in that she trusts my judgement or she tests her household every other weekend. Needless to say we didn't get dsd the time we was meant to have her seen that it was due to me not following her request noone other than my own mother seemed to understand my point. We then had to jump through hoops to accommodate contact when she decided that she wasn't bothered about the covid tests and it was now convenient. We cannot take her back to court as costs so much as dp is halfway thru 4 year divorce proceedings which she has dragged out to purposely cost him more financially.

In regards to saying no I have this too, I offered 3 different meals for dinner (against everything in me as my kids get what they are given) to be told she didn't want them and it was okay as 'daddy will do me whatever I want' with a smirk. This last weekend if I talk to him she interrupts, if I sat next to him she'd squeeze in and push her legs out to make sure I was far away. All the blame goes to me for being controlling and demanding etc but yet was okay for me to be left with her whilst he went gym and to work sat evening. Despite the phonecalls every 5 mins to ask if she was okay. Asked last night if he could pick up my dd from her activity as was tired (baby due in 4 weeks and still working full time) he said only if I come with him he would as is my daughter. Will remember that next time I'm convenient for some childcare.

Dreading maternity leave in that I'm gonna be used for extra time with dd. She's off on holiday with her mum which means (if they go) the timings and the quarantine we won't see her from end of July until September and it makes me feel joyous and then I feel awful for that. I have a feeling he is going to go against the quarantine rules and want her to visit the baby and I'm not happy about her coming straight from Europe and off a plane into my household with a new baby tbh. Again though that is me being controlling and wanting it all my way.

I'm glad it isn't just me as was questioning my sanity and if I was indeed controlling and bossy etc. I'm sorry that so many of us go through this. I remember my own dad's girlfriends over the years having clear issues with me being around and wonder if he acted the same and that's what caused it.

It's not just the dps who expect mum no 2, dhs ex screams at him that dss should be my priority when she puts a guilt trip on dh. To put it bluntly he isn't my priority, I want all the DC to be treated fair to their ages, their needs and wants are juggled around mine and dh needs and wants too. No one is more special then another.

My dd has had a succession of exes girfriends that she's gotten to know. I stay out of it, what goes on in exes house is up to him whether I agree with it or not. He doesn't interfere in my life either - this is because I put boundaries in, he didn't like it when we split and still tries to interfere sometimes, but crucially I don't let him.

Dh put down a boundary yesterday, dss mum wanted him to have dss an extra weekend. I said to dh thats fine but 3 kid weekends in a row is going to be tough, dh went back to her and said he'd either do the Friday or the Sunday night to help out but not all weekend. She kicked right off about what a shit dad he is not wanting his son more (we're almost 50/50) but he's stood firm as he enjoys our kid free weekends too. His dad guilt will kick in soon though so whether he keeps it up is another issue/or buys dss more toys to make up his guilt.

That sounds very hard @Vie8126.

So stressful for you. And just ridiculous. I guess at least he has a CAO, unlike many of the men whinging about exes denying contact, even if he can't afford to take her to court for enforcement.

Lots about your situation sounds very familiar to me. All the noise and fury about how little he sees the SC bit actually he is annoyed that I won't just babysit while he goes to the gym. 🙄 The nonsense about being 'controlling' which I actually think means 'refusing to just do what he wants'.

I'd say no to being used as childcare so he can have more contact during your maternity leave. I used to use some of my annual leave to help my husband stretch his to cover half the school holidays. But he took the piss and things are as they are now. So I will not provide childcare for him.

He's blaming me because he 'is hardly getting to see them'. But it wasn't me that switched jobs to one with the bare minimum of annual leave. Nor is it my job to use my time off to suit his contact arrangements.

I'd suggest speaking to him about the quarantine and your unavailability for childcare during maternity leave now. Make your boundaries clear. You'll have a tiny, time consuming baby to look after. You aren't available to entertain his daughter and cook 17 options for every meal. He needs to organise childcare if he's arranged to have her.

The quarantine thing will definitely be a huge issue for you when you actually have a newborn in the house. I'd definitely suggest making that a clear boundary now. Among many of the shit things my husband has done was to insist on having contact with his daughter when she had been instructed to self isolate. He didn't even keep her in her room if whatever; he let her roam everywhere in the house. He showed no care for me or our very small baby and (as usual) prioritised his other kids.

Then he tried to tell me I was controlling, awful and wrong by sending me guidance that 'proved him right'. Except it didn't. It made it absolutely clear that the moving between parents homes thing didn't apply when you've been told to self isolate. Then the child does not come for contact.

What made it even more awful was that a couple of weeks beforehand he'd made a huge fuss about my ex having been told to self isolate and my DS being in our house. DS hadn't been told to isolate - it was my ex because of a colleague or something. So DS having seen him the day before made no difference to anything. My husband made a huge fuss and argued with my ex. And then he decided that he'd just have his daughter who had individually and specifically been instructed to isolate over for the weekend.

Don't put yourself in the position I ended up in. Make the boundaries very clear now.

Our experiences are very similar and as we withdraw from the children, we also withdraw assistance for our partners. I completely agree, boundaries right at the start should be thought about and very carefully. It is much harder to break them X amount of years down the line.

At the start I was yes, ok, sure, of course. My boundaries were very few. It is in my nature to say yes. Of course I say no, but I was so naive to this life at the start. Now my boundaries are clear and my DP doesn't like some of them. For example we have the children EOW and yes he misses them terribly, but would still make time to pop to the gym for his fitness fix. Now I don't trust the children and what they say or do, I refuse to be their babysitter. If I was not around my DP would have to miss the gym on his weekends.

His children, his time in his care.

@StarryNight468 I think 18 months ago, I'd have agreed with you that all the children should have equal priority etc. From the outside that seems totally obvious and the only thing that could be reasonable.

But what's happened in this household has made it very clear that I need to make my children my priority. My husband is unwilling or unable to not prioritize his older children (not even all his children, just the two from a previous relationship).

So I have to be my children's advocate and ally and put them first. Especially when the issue is how the children my husband is prioritizing are behaving and the negative effects of this on my children and me.
CS

@Liddywiddy

Our experiences are very similar and as we withdraw from the children, we also withdraw assistance for our partners. I completely agree, boundaries right at the start should be thought about and very carefully. It is much harder to break them X amount of years down the line.

At the start I was yes, ok, sure, of course. My boundaries were very few. It is in my nature to say yes. Of course I say no, but I was so naive to this life at the start. Now my boundaries are clear and my DP doesn't like some of them. For example we have the children EOW and yes he misses them terribly, but would still make time to pop to the gym for his fitness fix. Now I don't trust the children and what they say or do, I refuse to be their babysitter. If I was not around my DP would have to miss the gym on his weekends.

His children, his time in his care.

It seems this is extremely common.

My husband thinks that I'm completely unreasonable for insisting that if he's having contact, then that means the children are here to spend time with him. Time spent just being in the house while he goes to the gym or for a bike ride (and apparently it's all sorts unfair because normal parenting would mean I'd be looking after them so he can go to the pub sometimes too etc 🙄) is not time spent with him. It's not contact.

Then he packs all the stuff he wants to do in to the time they're not here. And he says it's my fault that he then hardly sees the baby or me, and certainly doesn't support me in looking after the baby, because he can't do it when the SC are here.

But parenthood is not having the time to just do what you want all the time. It's having to be in and looking after your children. When does he imagine the last time I went to an exercise class or out without the baby was? Poor him, only getting opportunities to sod off and consider his needs and wants every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and every other weekend. With no proper recognition that he is only able to do so because I am looking after his baby.

This week, for example, he went to an exercise class on Monday. He chose a class that meant he'd leave at 6 and get back about 8. He'd worked until 5.45. So I got to do dinner and bedtime on my own. Then he complained that we were getting reheated food* because I was only willing to cook once and my DSes needed to be fed.

Yesterday, he went to the gym. He did eat dinner with the baby and me, but I got to do bedtime on my own. It was a bit stressful because I needed to have him down and be ready to do a counselling session at 8. My husband swanned in at some point during that session and watched the football. He'd been whinging about how he would miss the football before he left because I wanted him to wait and watch the baby while I tried to change the bedsheets. Still I finished the session and came down to a man in gym clothes watching football and had to clean the kitchen after dinner myself.

This morning he booked an exercise class at 7.30am. So he set his alarm for 6.30 and woke the baby up. Then he swanned off to the class. I did breakfast but he came in after the class and complained that I'd said I'd make breakfast for everyone. So I had to do the breakfast I'd planned before I knew he was going to a class (and actually told me he'd wanted to eat breakfast and have coffee before - so he woke everyone up earlier than necessary for that). And he announced that he'll finish work late because he's started late. So I'll get no help this evening. I'll be rushing around, trying to make dinner, feed my swimmer DS before taking him to training (with baby in tow), come home and eat with the baby and his 'hard working' and 'put upon' father, do bedtime, clean the bloody kitchen and then go to pick the thoroughly chlorinated child up again.

Which part of this looks like my husband isn't getting time to himself? Why should I be childcare so he can do this when he's supposed to be seeing his other children?

It drives me mad. I've said on another thread previously that I think as a society we need to really think about what contact is and what it is for. If it's about the children's need and right to maintain an ongoing relationship with both their parents, is that served by simply being nominally in the care of one parent (who has palmed the kids off to a new partner or his parents so he can do something better for most of the time they're awake)?

@FishyFriday does your DH think you’re his maid? That whole set up sounds horrific!

I'm not sure he thinks about it @sassbott.

In his mind, I think what happens is that the following assumptions align:

• he works hard in a stressful job
• I'm in the final stages of maternity leave (so it's all my job)
• he need to exercise because (insert one or all of) he's injured in some way and needs to exercise it/he's getting fat/his self esteem is closely tied to having stupidly big biceps
• I'd be looking after the baby anyway
• he's only asking for 30 mins/an hour/2 hours...
• they're my stepchildren, I'm mean to exclude them by not providing childcare
• looking after kids is boring and he'd rather be in the gym/on a bike

And he has male entitlement blindness to the fact that he is equally responsible for the baby. If he isn't doing babycare at any moment, it's because I'm doing it so he doesn't have to. My being on maternity leave means that I am enabling him to work and maintain the career he cares deeply about. Any time he takes a long shower on his own, plays videogames, plays guitar, goes out to exercise, or whatever else he feels he 'needs' to wind down, it's only possible because I am looking after the baby. It's his house too; the housework is not my sole responsibility. I have to do a lot of work to feed everyone meals every day, and clear up afterwards. This means he isn't having to do that and therefore he has more time than me anyway. Asking him to look after the baby so I can manage to cook a meal for everyone isn't him facilitating me to have time to myself. It's not comparable to him buggering off to the gym.

It's definitely ONE of the issues for discussion in counselling. Only one though. 😩

After several difficult years when my DSDs were teenagers and some very bad experiences with the exW and her terrible behaviour, we've come out the other side. Haven't had any contact with exW in close to 15 years, both DSD approaching 30 and in regular contact with their dad, good friends with me and very close to their younger siblings.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh I forgot to explain the reheated food thing.

That's an SC related niggle. I told him that if he wants me to provide food for them to eat separately from and before everyone else, then they can always eat our reheated leftovers from a previous day. I'm not cooking twice to accommodate his failure to sort out their eating behaviour. Nor am I cooking a meal fresh for them to reject and be annoying about and then have my children and I eat reheated meals when they're finally done being badly behaved about dinner.

So it was most definitely a dig that I was going to serve him (and me) reheated food from a meal I'd cooked for my kids at standard dinner time in this house. Some crap about how his poor children are disadvantage and favouritism of my kids. 🙄

Except that the reheating - and waiting til 8.30 to eat myself rather than eating the food I'd cooked with my children at 6.30 as normal - was all to accommodate his choice to book a class that means he's out from 6-8. Why should I cook twice?

And why should the rest of us never get the freshly cooked food because his children's behaviour is so poor that they have to be fed before everyone? Or reward them by cooking twice so they can have freshly cooked food too? He doesn't like having to produce a freezer tea for them himself and wants to be able to give them what I've cooked. So me making sure there are always suitable leftovers to reheat for them is helping him out and accommodating him.

After all, he's the one that's failed to parent his children to the point that none of the rest of us can eat with them. I'd much rather be able to cook and serve one meal to everyone at dinner. But his failures (and unwillingness) have gotten us here. He should be bloody grateful that I'm doing anything to help him meet his responsibilities for feeding his kids. Not making digs about reheated food and pretending to be the poor victim here.

I’m not a stepparent but I wandered into this section while waiting for a non-appearing delivery. I’m horrified at what I’ve read and I’m so sorry that so many of you have such difficulties with your blended families.

However as a former swimming Mum FishyFriday I was really drawn to your situation. That your DH won’t look after his own child while you take your son to early morning training is horrendous. The more you write about him the more horrified I become. I know you said you are having counselling but I really don’t know how you tolerate him. It really doesn’t sound as if he adds anything positive to your life at all.

Anyway sorry for the intrusion but I wanted to extend sympathy to you all and think that boundary setting is eminently sensible to stop you all being ridden roughshod over. 💐

Sorry @FishyFriday I meant to tag you

Thanks @KatherineSiena. He is a bloody nightmare. I had an individual session with the counsellor tonight and we established that I am extremely angry with him, and not without significant cause. He's been an incredible shit for 18 months.

The swimming thing appears intractable. And I'm not even asking him to help with the swimming. He just refuses to see that being responsible for walking up and settling your own baby between 5.15 and 5.30 (at most - the pool is very close) while I'm doing something else is just parenting. Even if he's got work all day. Many fathers do this anyway. The baby may well wake whether it's a swimming day or not. Because waking at 5am is what babies do.

It's not like anyone wants to get up for morning training really. DS doesn't enjoy getting up early. But I'm really proud of him that he's dedicated enough to do it. I'd rather be in bed too, but he needs me to take him. You don't see any of the other parents skipping with joy as they drop their bleary eyed children off either.

As a former swim mum, I bet you don't miss the hours in viewing galleries and early starts. 😂

@FishyFriday
Indeed I do not miss early morning training, nor the hours driving around the country and hot viewing galleries. But there were some great highs and both my DC benefitted immeasurably. They have great discipline and work ethic which swimming contributed to and they are still very fit. It sounds as if your step children could do with some discipline and routine in their lives. I don’t blame you one jot for removing yourself from the fray of parenting them.

Many years later though we still all have very early internal alarm clocks and rise naturally early so be warned!