A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

I agree that it's deflection and very difficult to mend. It's definitely serving a purpose for him. I'm certain his mum goes on about how awful and controlling I am. And his ex.

But I am just saying that I will not do things. And expecting him to give me and my children (including our baby) a fraction of the consideration I give him and his kids.

One hilariously unfair accusation of me being controlling is that I let him move into MY house while he didn't have one. It wasn't big enough for everyone so I gave up my bedroom so his kids could have a room and turned my small living room into a bed sit. (This was always to be a temporary arrangement while we bought a bigger house). But I was mean, and horrible and controlling because I told him that I wasn't willing for his kids to use what was my bedroom. They should play in the room I'd given up for them. But that meant they couldn't stare at the tv and jump all over the furniture all day. So I was a terrible person. I had to give them my iPad to watch things on, but even that wasn't enough. Especially as I wouldn't let them play football in the kitchen. Or ride scooters in the house either. 🙄🤯

At the time I put it down to stress. But it was just pure entitlement.

The SC are here. He's pretty much ignored them since they arrived. There's football on you know. These are the kids he's apparently desperately missed because he hasn't seen them properly for weeks. His son has managed to be rude and obnoxious in several different ways. His daughter has been extremely demanding - she wasn't even in the door before she started saying 'oh now we can go on nice trips. I want to go swimming at X. You need to book that'. He just dithered.

Then when she asked for tv while we'd be eating dinner with the baby (after getting to play the switch the instant she arrived) I was the bad guy for reminding him that we were having dinner (so tv to distract the baby is a no) and he'd agreed with me that his kids were supposed to be earning treats by behaving in very basic ways that qualify as good. He dithered and made me the villain. All because he doesn't want to it just Disney dad it up all weekend, and screw the rest of us.

The whole 'I haven't seen them' will be his excuse. But of that were really what ge was worried about, he wouldn't have totally ignored them so he can watch the football. Spent less than 5 mins each putting them to bed and then watched more football.

Yet I'm the bad guy who doesn't welcome or involve them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@FishyFriday he's so entrenched in his selfishness. He's not going to change, this is who he is.

[quote StarryNight468]@FishyFriday he's so entrenched in his selfishness. He's not going to change, this is who he is.[/quote]
I hope not. But I guess the purpose of the counselling is to find that out.

SS has been really poorly behaved all morning. So his father has left him here while he takes SD to an activity. Usually he'd take SS to the park or something for some fun one-on-one time. But he hasn't earned that.

I suggested that H should do some dull errands while SD is doing her class and take SS with him. But no. He's left him here (I'm trying to get the baby to nap) and he's going for a run. Because 'he thinks he should benefit from this.

He just doesn't see that his son's behaviour is his responsibility and being a parent is missing out because you are dealing with the behaviours you'd like to avoid in future.

It's not even like I suggested a horrible punishment. It's NOT even supposed to be a punishment; it's supposed to shift the nice things to be a reward for very basic levels of decent behaviour rather than a default entitlement that gets taken away. SS hasn't done what he was asked to do (all he had to do was eat a single yoghurt for breakfast - he said he was really hungry and he likes yoghurt. He even asked for it - and to treat the other people in the house with basic courtesy) so he doesn't get the trip to the park of his choosing.

Instead, he'd still have spent time with his daddy. It's just that it wouldn't have been doing a fun activity centred on him (that he wants because he was asking about it as soon as he arrived yesterday). They'd have been taking some clothes to the charity shop drop off, picking something up from the post office depo and other ordinary activities. Nothing horrible. Just normal life (rather than Disney dad camp).

Yet in H's mind, I am a proper wicked stepmother who is trying to be horrible to his children and prevent him 'enjoying' them. So I should clearly have to look after the child who wouldn't the very simple things he was asked while H compensates himself with a run. Which, Incidentally, is the ideal outcome for him. He'd much rather go for a run than spend time with his son - whether in the park or just doing normal household errands.

If I were the SC's mother, I'd be so angry at their father. I would not be happy at all.

But I think they probably share a parenting philosophy of doing whatever is easiest (in that moment) at all times and ditching the kids to do something more fun at every opportunity. So she probably doesn't care in the way that I would.

Why is DH punishing you for his DS behaviour?

Surely as you say he should take him on errands? I wonder if your DH has created this situation (punishment of staying behind) so he can have some free time.

Was DH always this poor a father before you settled with him?

I don't know how you put up with it @FishyFriday I'd have lost my shit by now although realise the irony of that statement with the ex issue

@Jellyred

Why is DH punishing you for his DS behaviour?

Surely as you say he should take him on errands? I wonder if your DH has created this situation (punishment of staying behind) so he can have some free time.

Was DH always this poor a father before you settled with him?

He may well have done. Because he is always complaining about his lack of me time while he's got his kids.

He's totally missed the point. And his son has had a miserable morning alone in his room (because I've been busy getting the baby to nap). It's him that's excluding his kids from family life. Being part of family life would have been doing errands with his dad while his sister did a class. And rather than a big punishment, he could just have said, 'oh well. You haven't eaten your yoghurt so that means we can't go to the park. That's a shame. Come on. We've got some jobs to do'. And just moved on.

Maybe H is just not clever enough to understand the important difference between the two.

He wasn't obviously a terrible father. In hindsight I missed the signs (or dismissed them as adjustment issues etc). But also, I'm certain that he was pretending to be a much better parent than he is because he knew I'd have run a mile had I realised all this.

My dh is being surprisingly amazing this weekend so far. Dss was here yesterday evening whilst dh was working late and took something out of my daughters room and wouldn't give it back. I rang dh who sorted it over the phone and then came home and asked me what my view is on a consequence for not listening to me. I suggested taking his switch for the rest of the evening, dh felt that was too strong so I said OK, it's up to you. Dh then did that, dss got slightly stroppy but started drawing and we had a lovely evening, plus he actually went to bed and went to sleep! He said this morning he had the best sleep and we drew comic book pictures together. I do need to see the positives that dh does, it's just a shame it takes for arguments to happen to get them.

I never have an issue with dss personally when he's 'naughty', what gives me resentment is the way dh handles it as ( controlling as it sounds) it's not imo the right way. I think thats my overall challenge with step parenting and I feel like I probably am controlling in that I want dh to parent my way as I believe it to be the best way. Dh parents his way, although he does say his way isn't really right and is balanced on needing dss to want to come over/guilt. When he gets over it our whole house is a lot happier inc dss.

I'm glad your husband has been better @StarryNight468. And that (not surprisingly) your DSS's behaviour was vastly improved from just a little bit of standard parenting.

It sounds like a much better start to the weekend. I hope it continues. 😁

@FishyFriday, I really feel for those kids (all of them) and the piss poor parenting. There’s no consistency and I’m not surprised they behave badly.

They’re staying in a house for the first time in three weeks which would be hard/adjusting for anyone adult or child, ignored them for football, then he picks not eating a yoghurt to make a point re behaviour and deny a treat? On the first day? Then leaves DC with you?

That doesn’t sound like a situation that will improve behaviour.

Are you planning on leaving? Because your home sounds like a battleground where DH is king, which isn’t good for anyone.

@FishyFriday i feel sorry for you. It must be very hard going from having an ex who treated you badly to an awful husband who has awful SC, an awful ex and an awful mother, all of whom treat you badly. How do you stand being the only decent person?

[quote DuchessDarty]@FishyFriday i feel sorry for you. It must be very hard going from having an ex who treated you badly to an awful husband who has awful SC, an awful ex and an awful mother, all of whom treat you badly. How do you stand being the only decent person?[/quote]
I'm not the only decent person @DuchessDarty.

My ex is a decent NRP. But he was dreadful to me. He raped me. Thanks. So yeah. Crap ex.

My H is a twat. He's emotionally and financially abusive. He's a crap father who chooses to go for a run leaving his 4 year old pretty much unattended for nearly 2 hours (knowing I was going to be getting the baby to nap) and such like.

His ex is a nightmare and clearly knows he's a shit parent and he doesn't care.

MIL is utterly toxic and insists on telling me that my baby is obviously defective.

What I am is an idiot with fucking poor judgement. And who should know better and do better. For my children if not myself.

Do you know what though? My FIL and SMIL are totally fine. Nice even. My exPILs were utterly wonderful.

@Jellyred to be fair he chose the yoghurt that the hungry child had chosen as an easy win for him. The rest of his behaviour has been dire so it was to try to focus him on something he could do.

But 40 minutes of sitting in front of the petit filou he chose, it's impossible to go back on the 'eat this thing that is literally the only thing you actually eat that isn't sweets and we can have a treat' that was supposed to help him reset to better behaviour.

The problem is that he didn't just say 'oh well. We can't do that now. Come on. We've got jobs to do' and just get on with it. Instead he's made it into a weird punishment and taken the opportunity to do what he really wanted to do anyway.

@FishyFriday dss is actually lovely 99.999 of the time when dh isn't around and he's not on his switch. He's funny, chatty and interesting. When he is a bit naughty it's normal naughtiness if you know what I mean. Standard parenting from dh is where it all falls down (unless there's things going on with his dm). When dh doesn't follow through, doesn't pick up on him being rude ect and bedtime routines (standard parenting as you say rightly) dss behaviour obviously goes to shit. When he does, like yesterday dss is lovely as he knows what is expected of him which makes him feel secure and that he belongs. Dh over compensating and not wanting to put down boundaries has an awful impact on dss. He also puts him down, like this morning me and dss were drawing, dh said son when are you going to start drawing proper pictures and not comic strip... I did pick him up on it and say why are you being mean!

Have you got plans this weekend @fishy, can you go anywhere and get away from it for a few hours today and tomorrow?

He also puts him down, like this morning me and dss were drawing, dh said son when are you going to start drawing proper pictures and not comic strip... I did pick him up on it and say why are you being mean!

Oh that's terrible. Poor DSS.

These are things no one should have to pull a child's father up on.

I've no plans. The baby was up every 2 hours last night so I'm happy to settle for a long afternoon nap with him as a plan.

@FishyFriday I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf from your recent comments. One thing that really stands out to me is that you gave up your own bedroom for these kids, and he has the audacity to behave as he does. I think that would have been the point I'd have told them he was deluded and to go fuck himself, and the relationship would have ended! Let alone everything that has followed!

I know you didn't come on here looking for advice exactly but I just really hope you're putting yourself and your son first.

It's so strange that he can be like that but be totally over the top and treat him like a 3yr old at other times!

I hope you enjoy your nap.

You really need to get out @FishyFriday and I hope you will soon.

You’ve said before you refuse to look after your DSC, that it’s a boundary you enforced. So does that mean your DH left his son with you without your express position? If so, that’s not on and I hope you’ll be telling him he can never do that again. As well as not being fair on you, it’s not fair at all on the poor 4 year old, left with someone who doesn’t want to look after him and won’t be actively (however good and justified your reasons).

*consent not position

How did everyone's weekend finish up? @StarryNight468 I'm glad your DP was better. @FishyFriday did it get any better? I'm sorry it all been so rubbish xxx

Mine has been hell. DP bought up the bedroom crap again Friday night as my dd was on a sleepover why couldn't his dd use her room and her bed said because its not her room and she cant actually be trusted (previous experiences) to not touch stuff she is told not to touch and I don't want my Dd coming home with someone having been in her room and touching her stuff. It turned into a HUGE row as to why I was putting my dd above his in HIS house and its unfair she should have to share with a screaming baby (you know the baby that isn't born yet, will be sharing with us for at least 6 months and we don't know he will be a screaming not sleeping baby!) he kept saying it's only 4 nights a month was like yes and that's why when I agreed to move to a house that was too small and give up the house I had where my children had their own rooms you said your dd would be okay sharing with the baby as its only 4 nights a month (which was the agreement) and now your backtracking is feeling like a trick all along. He reckon he never reallt thought about it. I'm also dog sitting at the moment and told my DP that his dd was NOT to pick the dog up or wind him up (his quite nervy being away from my sister)

DSD turned up with molluscum contagiosum and 4 cold sores on her mouth poor thing. But he still insists on sitting kissing and cuddling her and letting her rub her face on him.... Then I had been out on the Friday and treated us to new bedding and scatter cushions trying to make our room feel a bit more 'mine' and he gave them to dsd for her bed. Just said well you can buy new ones (it was already on my bed and I was feeling all pleased with myself)

I was out Friday night and then the row continued sat morn she picked the dog up dropped him and was trying to force feed him food with her fingers in his mouth. So I shouted at her and he said she had done nothing wrong and isn't to know said well you was meant to tell her. We had another HUGE ROW. I stormed out with the dog and all my stuff and refused to answer his calls or come back home. All he did was arrange for dsd to go to mils that night as he had work early today and I said I didn't know when I would be back and she was not my responsibility. Said to him that we have to be careful with the coldsores and the baby who could come any day and he said I was overreacting and the baby is his child too and if dsd wants to kiss her brother and cuddle him she will.

Had a heart to heart today whereby I told him its HIM that's the issue HIM causing the problems and that I have had eboihj of it and how much I dread dsd visits because of HIM. He wouldn't listen about the coldsores but I'll address that when I need to. I'll have to see what happens next time she's here. He didn't help today by saying as I'm on mat leave she can come and stay and spend time with her brother in the summer holidays I kept quiet for now as cannot deal with more raised voices and I'm exhausted.

@Vie8126 thank you for asking! My weekends been lovely tbh. Dh has stepped up and parented. He took both boys out this afternoon to sort their bikes out and told me today he saw that dss is the one who starts the most of the bickering between them! We all watched a film together last night and I genuinely had all lovely warm family feelings. Ds and dss then built a fort in the living room and slept there with 'midnight' snacks. It was very cute.

Dh is working away all week, dss will be staying with his dm all week so I'll have a lovely chilled week and a tidy house.

I'm not sure what I did to get this change is dh, I'm also not sure how long it will last or if it was just a one off, but I'm happy, all the dc are happy and so is dh!

@vie your weekend sounds horrendous, your dh knows he's out of order, spam his phone with links to baby's getting cold sores and dying. He can't refute the evidence.

@Vie8126 😱.

I don’t really know where to start. He sounds really all over the place.
Have you asked him, calmly, where all of this is coming from? Because it sounds like he’s lost the plot tbh. Is he overwhelmed/ deeply stressed? Or are these his true colours?
No one with cold sores gets to kiss a baby, end of. That’s just out and out clear medical advice. It’s like when it comes to the topic of his child, he cannot listen/ hear any reason.

Is there anywhere you can go and stay to get a break for a while?

@Vie8126 he needs outside help to see what he's doing. In your heart to heart what did he say about your dds room and stuff?

One thing I started doing a couple of months ago was to start buying dss things. So I bought dss new bedding as he only had one set, I bought his favourite ice creams for everyone on a day he wasn't there and loudly said that the 4th one in the pack of 4 was for dss, I've bought him new pjs this weekend. I haven't done this to manipulate dh and I haven't done it consciously, but I do wonder if dh feels less defensive when he can see physical evidence of me including dss a bit more. It's hard to say I'm horrible to his son when he's running around excited about his new pjs that I've bought...

I'm not saying dh is cured from Disney dadding, the last weekend we had him was horrendous and I shouted at dss. But something has clicked in him and it could be buying dss little things he needs has contributed to it.

I agree re the cold sores I just don't trust him or her tbh to not do it behind my back. She was told not to pick the dog up (his a small mini breed) and I walked all the 6 ft from the sofa to the doorway and she picked him up! Dp just doesn't get it. Before we moved here and lived in my house it wasn't this bad the children all had their own bedrooms and we had more space we don't have that luxury here so it could jusy be we're more on top of each other and his worried about dsd feeling pushed out over the baby along with the first court financial hearing pending in 6 weeks. He says I just don't like dsd it isn't her personally it's her in his company and his attitude towards her. Anything I say she says he says yes right course she did. He doesn't see wrong in giving her mine or my dds things when she says she wants them and says well just buy yourself a new one but 1 we don't have the money for that and 2 that isn't the point!! I bought my stuff for my bedroom to make ME feel better with money I had worked to earn not as a treat for his dd. Everyone comments on how his treats dd above and beyond any rules even his friends and close friends/step mother who just cannot understand what it is about her that he does this. It makes me resent her coming. This week will be okay as its just us and my DC it starts the week leading up to his dd coming to stay there's always rows about it or he is on edge about it. It turns into a slanging match where he throws in anything my DC have ever done wrong (fully aware of what they do wrong and have never said I'm a perfect mother!) I'm not sure he realises that every other weekend I loose respect and love for him. Unfortunately I feel backed into a position where by I will have to keep some things back and get squirriling away what I can to make a break from here.

I’m so sorry I have no advice I can give you.
When I was with my exp the dynamic you are describing is one I experienced. He essentially put his children on a pedestal during EOW contact. It created a hugely dysfunctional dynamic in that he expected his children to take priority in what was very limited time.

In his mind, that was acceptable given he hardly saw them. And he expected others around him to see that and accommodate it too.
That is very difficult to do when there are resident children (who are not placed on pedestals and are used to rules/ fairness / consistency).

Do I think he was wrong to want to want to parent in that way? No. Do I think he was wrong to impose expectation on everyone else? Yes.
The challenge is that when you’re in it, these conversations become very emotional / overheated. I too faced accusations of ‘you don’t like my children/ you’re jealous of them etc etc.’
Nothing I said could get through - it’s like it became a script in his head. ‘Sassbott doesn’t like my children, what’s wrong with her, why can’t she understand how special my time with my children is? It’s ok for her, she sees her children and I spend time with her children too! Why doesn’t she make more of an effort?’

I became the villain. Despite the fact that he had zero responsibility for my children. I parented them, provided for them and I was fair.

Nothing I said got through.
My only way to stop it was to remove myself from contact and then eventually call it a day. I forced a break of it all so I no longer had to listen to his narrative. I couldn’t find any other way to stop the script he was running.

If I was the problem, well i removed myself.