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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stuck Saturday Stepmom

113 replies

Steppered · 09/06/2021 16:42

We have the DSC every weekend: every other weekend is from Fri to Mon, next weekend is Fri to Sat pm. It has been like this for a few years now and was set up this way due to my DH’s job - he’s now taken a role closer to home and is 10 mins from school.

Saturdays are tricky – he takes DSD out to a hobby every Saturday morning and can often be gone for 3 hours at a time, leaving me with other DSD and my DC. To begin with, I was okay doing the default childcare, I saw it as a good chance to bond (and I do have a good relationship with the girls). But after all this time I am starting to get a little fed up of both parents being able to do what they want on a Saturday morning while I break up fights, entertain and rush to wash the kids stuff. Every other weekend is fine, no bother, but this arrangement is putting a strain on me, and also preventing me from doing things that I’d like to do such as enrolling my DC into a class or visiting family who are further away.

DH understood and has asked the ex if we are able to change for school pick ups and overnight in the week but she is putting her foot down and saying no change. I’m quite shocked she doesn’t want a full weekend with her DC. She doesn’t work so she does have plenty free time in the week (lucky). H would still take DSD to the hobby but other DSD would be home with Mom, rather than me.

So she has said no change and I’m not sure where to go now. I worry my DH is expecting me to roll over and carry on but quite honestly I’m not prepared to. I’ve had enough. I have suggested that all of the washing/meals for that Friday is now on him. I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored. If I make it hard for him maybe it will give them a kick in the butt? But I don’t know how we can get through to Mom either, feel really stuck and would sure be grateful for any ideas.

OP posts:

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Anoisagusaris · 10/06/2021 09:59

It’s nothing to do with being ‘good adults’. Kids everywhere go along to siblings activities. Lots of people don’t have another parent available to mind them at home or elsewhere. My dh works weekends so all mine come along to whatever activities are on, same for lots of families here. There’s always a gang of kids to play with, or go for a walk with.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 10:00

I feel really sorry and almost heartbroken for any children who are step children having read some of these comments.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:01

@Ilovemaisie

I feel really sorry and almost heartbroken for any children who are step children having read some of these comments.

Why? Because the OP's partner can't be bothered to look after his own child?

funinthesun19 · 10/06/2021 10:03

Why can't you take your step daughter with you when you visit family? She is your family too as you knew she was part of the package when you got with her father.
Maybe she wants some time with her family without dsd coming along. She’s entitled to that. Yea she chose a man with children, but that doesn’t diminish the father’s responsibility towards his children.

How old are your children. What activities do you want to do with them? Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child.
Why can’t her dad take her? You’ve made absolutely no reference to her father taking her with him. You’ve put all of the focus on the op.

Poor girl.
Yes, poor girl having to spend time with her father on Saturday mornings . If he’s that concerned about her being bored then he’ll just have to rethink dsd1 doing the hobby won’t be? OR, he can just do what millions of other parents do and take his other child with him.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 10:03

InnaBun it's probably more like the step daughter has no interest in whatever hobby her dad and sibling are doing. Doesn't mean the dad doesn't want to spend time with her.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 10:05

@Ilovemaisie

I feel really sorry and almost heartbroken for any children who are step children having read some of these comments.

No need. The blunt, annoyed tone you are picking up on is not directed at the SC, just the inexperienced adults that dole out very repetitive, judgemental and naive statements online. I have no patience with that anymore after years of being on this forum, whilst my relationship with my SC, if you could actually see it, is good!

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:05

@Ilovemaisie

InnaBun it's probably more like the step daughter has no interest in whatever hobby her dad and sibling are doing. Doesn't mean the dad doesn't want to spend time with her.

Why would she be any more interested in watching the other DC do their class? It makes more sense for her to sit and be bored and have a catch up with dad rather than do the same with stepmum.

And single parents often have to take their other children when one has an activity. It's life.

GreenClock · 10/06/2021 10:07

Being bored whilst you attend a sibling’s activity every so often is a normal part of childhood unless you’re an only child, surely? ALthough actually, i don’t believe that he cares about his kid being bored, I think he just wants downtime on his phone or chatting to other parents whilst the other kid swims or plays football or whatever. And why should your child miss out on doing a sport or visiting grandparents on a Saturday because your rather selfish boyfriend wants downtime?

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 10:07

@Ilovemaisie

I seem to be causing a bit of anger here with my comments. I don't have step children so obviously I can't speak from experience. However I am currently taking part in a parenting group and yesterday we were discussing family set ups and responsibilities of care etc. We essentially agreed that children are children and they need good adults in their lives whether they are biologically related or not.

Very easy, sweeping statement to make when you don't actually have any experience of the situation.

And that's not to mention the fact that the SC in this case has a choice of tagging along to an activity with her dad, or tagging along to an activity with her SM. Why is the latter better for the SC?

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:10

And that's not to mention the fact that the SC in this case has a choice of tagging along to an activity with her dad, or tagging along to an activity with her SM. Why is the latter better for the SC? that's the bit I don't get, why would being bored with SM be better?

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 10:10

Oh I give up.
I not saying the Step Mum SHOULD take responsibility for the child any more than her dad - I just don't understand why including the step daughter in the Step Mums day is such a massive issue.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:11

Because she doesn't want to and can't see why dad doesn't look after her

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 10:12

I wonder if anyone has asked the girl what she wants. Being bored with her full sibling and dad because they are doing a hobby she has zero interest in or spending time at Step Granny's eating cake with her half siblings.

funinthesun19 · 10/06/2021 10:12

And single parents often have to take their other children when one has an activity. It's life.

Exactly!

I’m a single parent and I have to take 4 children with me every time 1 or 2 of them at a time are doing a hobby. The older ones sit there and take something to keep them occupied, it’s no big deal. But my 2 year old is very restless and she doesn’t like to sit still.

So really, I think this father is being a bit ridiculous in not wanting to take ONE child with him while his other does her activity. It will be easy to keep her occupied while he watches his other dd. And if she’s 2 and restless like my dd, then well, he can join the club!

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:13

Maybe step granny wants to spend time with her biological grandchild that she sees more often and has more of a bond with than worry about upsetting an unrelated child who she may feel no attachment to and would never see again if SM and dad split.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:15

@Ilovemaisie

No wonder 'Evil Stepmother' is such a stereotype.

It's because people expect too much of stepmothers instead of accepting they have feelings of their own.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 10:16

@Ilovemaisie

No wonder 'Evil Stepmother' is such a stereotype.

Oh great. Living up to the stereotype I mentioned and taking nothing on board whilst dishing out insults with zero experience 🙄

waleswhaleswails · 10/06/2021 10:17

It's because you seem to be keen to tie yourself in knots to absolve the dad of his responsibility. Honestly the dad should be taking the daughter and making it fun for her. He'll be loving it currently as he takes the other daughter and then sits on his phone for the length of the activity. Whilst the step mum deals with the fights and needs of 3+ kids.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 10:17

@Ilovemaisie

She'd need an invite first.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 10:17

There's also no point asking her what she wants as if OP doesn't want to look after her the only option is Dad does

funinthesun19 · 10/06/2021 10:24

No wonder 'Evil Stepmother' is such a stereotype.

Nothing to do with being an evil stepmother. It’s about the father taking responsibility for his child. You’re being a bit over dramatic.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 10:27

If I was a Step Granny I would accept any step children with open arms. If I invited my daughter and her children round for a visit I wouldn't bat an eyelid if one of those children was a step child.
But that's my opinion.
Anyway I am out of this now.
Bye all.

funinthesun19 · 10/06/2021 10:31

God she’s not sending dsd2 to prison camp while she visits her mum. She’ll be with her father on his day to have her. The same father she won’t have seen all week. Why are you making a big song and dance about the op and her family not factoring dsd2 in to their day when it’s obvious where dsd2 should be?

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 10:39

@Ilovemaisie

If I was a Step Granny I would accept any step children with open arms. If I invited my daughter and her children round for a visit I wouldn't bat an eyelid if one of those children was a step child. But that's my opinion. Anyway I am out of this now. Bye all.

My mum is not a "step granny". Due to the distance she lives and the EOW nature of NRP contact, their paths have only crossed on a handful of special occasions, as they would need to sleep in the same space if they were both with us at the same time. They are just both people in my life, they do not really feature in each other's, a fact that upsets nobody involved.

I'm trying to be polite here but you're being very simplistic and holier than thou, and we've all heard it a thousand times before. This is not something you have any experience of.

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