Stuck Saturday Stepmom

[Steppered]

We have the DSC every weekend: every other weekend is from Fri to Mon, next weekend is Fri to Sat pm. It has been like this for a few years now and was set up this way due to my DH’s job - he’s now taken a role closer to home and is 10 mins from school.

Saturdays are tricky – he takes DSD out to a hobby every Saturday morning and can often be gone for 3 hours at a time, leaving me with other DSD and my DC. To begin with, I was okay doing the default childcare, I saw it as a good chance to bond (and I do have a good relationship with the girls). But after all this time I am starting to get a little fed up of both parents being able to do what they want on a Saturday morning while I break up fights, entertain and rush to wash the kids stuff. Every other weekend is fine, no bother, but this arrangement is putting a strain on me, and also preventing me from doing things that I’d like to do such as enrolling my DC into a class or visiting family who are further away.

DH understood and has asked the ex if we are able to change for school pick ups and overnight in the week but she is putting her foot down and saying no change. I’m quite shocked she doesn’t want a full weekend with her DC. She doesn’t work so she does have plenty free time in the week (lucky). H would still take DSD to the hobby but other DSD would be home with Mom, rather than me.

So she has said no change and I’m not sure where to go now. I worry my DH is expecting me to roll over and carry on but quite honestly I’m not prepared to. I’ve had enough. I have suggested that all of the washing/meals for that Friday is now on him. I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored. If I make it hard for him maybe it will give them a kick in the butt? But I don’t know how we can get through to Mom either, feel really stuck and would sure be grateful for any ideas.

Stand firm. Book something for your DC to do. He will just have to take both DSC with him. I don't think you can expect mum to change the arrangements because they don't suit you, their dad is meant to be the one looking after them.

DSD2 will just have to get bored if they can't sort out an alternative between them

What age is DSD2? Can't she join in, or he finds her a hobby at the same time?

Either way, not your issue. If he wasn't with you, he'd just have to manage. Or would he just not facilitate any hobbies?

He’s just going to have to take dsd2 with him.
Many parents have to do this and manage, even when it’s hard work. Dsd will just have to take something with her to keep her occupied. How old is she?

His desire to protect dsd2 from being bored shouldn’t come before you enrolling your child in to something they will enjoy.

So his parenting was organised to suit his job and his ex has gone along with this.

I get why you want it to change but this issue sits entirely with your DP. This is not good for the children first and foremost - one DC is getting far more attention than the other - this will cause resentment.

Ex has accommodated his work - now he wants her to have 1DC every Friday/Saturday but the other one is with him and he will do another day during the week - what for the other DC and she still has the other one.

Sorry as an Ex this sucks - it is not about both DCs it is about one and him. The other is being neglected. ( not by you - by him)

He needs to parent both children at the same time, discuss with their mother but his solution sucks for both his EX and one of the DCS

Irrelevant whether she works or not by the way - she accommodated his work for years - the world does not revolve around hi.

I'd be carrying on with my day regardless. I'd be booking my child into whatever activities I wanted regardless. The DSD can either tag along with you and be bored or tag along with him and be bored. If she's being imposed on you then she will have to fit in with you and what you are doing. If that doesn't suit, he will just have to look after his own child himself.

Stop being a mug. Your husband can look after his children.

The DSD can either tag along with you and be bored
No she can’t as OP is no longer willing to facilitate this, so this is no longer an option.

Is your DC his child too? Or a child from a previous relationship?

Not sure why it’s at all relevant whether their mum works but regardless; yes YABU to expect the parents to change an arrangement for their children that they’re happy with.
YANBU to not want his child every Saturday.
Why does it prevent you booking something for your own children though?

YABVU to expect mum to once again work contact around you and partner now the current arrangement doesn’t suit you. To be honest, it’s the DC and the parents that matter when arranging contact and not new partners.

Book the class you want for your child and leave your partner to organise care for his child. Occasionally stepping up to help is good, doing it every week is being taken advantage of.

Stand firm op. Tell him you are going out and he has to sort his child out.
What did he do before he met you? Did he take his other child then?

Why would Dsd2 be bored? surely she can have 3 hours of attention from her Dad whilst he waits for Dd1 to do her club. It will be better than him sitting on his phone in peace fir 3 hours while you do all the childcare.

I don’t really understand why it’s stopping you doing anything. Book something / make plans, tell DH this week I’m doing x and DSC can either come with me or go with you. Surely that’s how families work?
How old are all the children? Does he have to stay with DSC at the hobby? My DD often has to come watch DS play rugby, she moans and is often bored but that’s life.

Dsd2 going with Dad seems like the perfect solution to me.

He could even take your (joint) DC and you could have a morning of peace.

The only way things will change is that you make them change by booking things to do, by arranging to visit friends and family and DSC goes with her dad

He needs to be the default carer of dsd on the weekends, not you.

Work out what you want to do and inform him

He just takes other child too. 🤷

You should still do what you want to do and DSD will either need to come with you to take your DC to classes or go with her dad if she can’t come with you. I find it surprising their mum doesn’t want time with them at the weekends but equally it’s not her fault that the weekend arrangements no longer work for you and your DP. I’d put your foot down and say you’re not doing this every week and DSD will need to go with sometimes

@Checkingout811 the "arrangement both parents are happy with" is OP providing unpaid childcare for DSD2!! How is she not being unreasonable to stop that?!

The issue of DSD2 being bored while DSD1 does her hobby would still exist if OP arranged activities for her own DC on a Saturday morning and took DSD2 along.

I feel for you @OP - tell DH he needs to figure something out. Then book something for Saturday morning, just you and DC, and leave earlier than he does so he has no choice but to make his own arrangements.

I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to

Well, it’s his child, so him ‘not wanting to’ isn’t good enough. The mum ‘doesn’t want to’ and you ‘don’t want to’, so it being his contact time and his child, he has to!

This is the arrangement-it’s not up to the mum to solve, this is entirely on him. He’d have to do it you didn’t exist!

Yes the obvious thing is he takes her along.

On the other hand, it’s only three hours and if you are home with your dc anyway and you live as a family, I don’t think it should be a major problem for you. You were happy to do it before. You can still find classes for your dc to do and she either comes along with you or with him.

Could DSD2 start taking part in DSD1's class? Or is she too young?

The obvious thing is that sadly you are not available as every Saturday morning you are out with your DC

What ages are all the DC?

He looks after his kids.