Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Stuck Saturday Stepmom

113 replies

Steppered · 09/06/2021 16:42

We have the DSC every weekend: every other weekend is from Fri to Mon, next weekend is Fri to Sat pm. It has been like this for a few years now and was set up this way due to my DH’s job - he’s now taken a role closer to home and is 10 mins from school.

Saturdays are tricky – he takes DSD out to a hobby every Saturday morning and can often be gone for 3 hours at a time, leaving me with other DSD and my DC. To begin with, I was okay doing the default childcare, I saw it as a good chance to bond (and I do have a good relationship with the girls). But after all this time I am starting to get a little fed up of both parents being able to do what they want on a Saturday morning while I break up fights, entertain and rush to wash the kids stuff. Every other weekend is fine, no bother, but this arrangement is putting a strain on me, and also preventing me from doing things that I’d like to do such as enrolling my DC into a class or visiting family who are further away.

DH understood and has asked the ex if we are able to change for school pick ups and overnight in the week but she is putting her foot down and saying no change. I’m quite shocked she doesn’t want a full weekend with her DC. She doesn’t work so she does have plenty free time in the week (lucky). H would still take DSD to the hobby but other DSD would be home with Mom, rather than me.

So she has said no change and I’m not sure where to go now. I worry my DH is expecting me to roll over and carry on but quite honestly I’m not prepared to. I’ve had enough. I have suggested that all of the washing/meals for that Friday is now on him. I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored. If I make it hard for him maybe it will give them a kick in the butt? But I don’t know how we can get through to Mom either, feel really stuck and would sure be grateful for any ideas.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Starseeking · 10/06/2021 18:11

@Ilovemaisie

If I was a Step Granny I would accept any step children with open arms. If I invited my daughter and her children round for a visit I wouldn't bat an eyelid if one of those children was a step child. But that's my opinion. Anyway I am out of this now. Bye all.

My parents see my DSS 2 or 3 times a year (at soon to be EXDP's choice) compared to seeing my DC 6 days out of 7. The relationship is just not comparable, and it doesn't need to be. They're friendly and welcoming when they see him, which is as much as one could hope for.

Starseeking · 10/06/2021 18:20

OP the solution is for the default position to be reverted to your DH taking DSD2 with him every week to DSD1 activity. Currently, you are the default position, and I can see how that would make one resentful.

Have the conversation with him again, and if he refuses you either have to leave the house one Saturday before he does, or insist on it, which won't be great if the DC are in the house and overhear. Either way, it sounds like he is not going to welcome giving up his Saturday browsing relaxing time to entertain his DD, so good luck with changing the status quo!

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 20:25

Starseeking I apologised for what I said. The OP didn't give as much detail in her first post so my opinions were based on a limited story and the responses of others. I now accept some of my comments were unfair.

Starseeking · 10/06/2021 21:03

Thanks Ilovemaisie.

I saw your earlier comments and became incensed, as being a stepmum can be such a thankless task, and it's easy for a woman in that role to become everyone's whipping boy, especially those who have no idea what it can be like once you are in that situation.

If I ever do it again, and I doubt I will unless it's with a man who doesn't pander to his EXDW and DC, with no Disney Dad in sight, I'd start off setting my boundaries very differently.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/06/2021 23:49

It's on your DP to parent his children. Its irrelevant what the mum does, she's worked around him for years. No doubt his attitude is part of the reason he is her ex.

Tiredoftattler · 11/06/2021 01:14

I did not read much of this thread, but with what little reading I did I wondered if:

  1. Dad could reduce older daughter 's hobby time to every other weekend in order to give the OP a free weekend where he takes sole responsibility for both girls
  2. Could dad hire a teenage sitter to come and stay for the 3hrs each weekend?
  3. Could dad ask the mom to take the older daughter to her hobby and he and younger daughter drive together to pick up the younger daughter. Perhaps he could ask her to take the older daughter to her hobby on every other weekend , that would not require a complete change of scheduling.
  4. Why does it matter what or how the mom does with time when the children are with their father ?

ideally, the responsibility for planning on his time should fall on him and not on his ex or the OP particularly if the schedule was originally put in place to accommodate his schedule.

In the OP's situation, I would just make plans and leave it to him to manage arrangements for his kids. What I would not do is waste my time blaming his ex for being unwilling to make changes to accommodate an adult who own his own should be able to come up with a plan B.

FishyFriday · 13/06/2021 10:35

I often find myself wondering if people properly appreciate what child contact actually is. What the purpose is.

It's for the child to have contact with their nonresident parent. That's seen as important and positive for the child.

Frankly, palming a kid off to a stepmum for the entirety of every Saturday morning so the parent she's supposed to be having contact with can ferry her sister to an activity and then spend the morning doing what he likes (drinking coffee, playing on his phone, maybe going to the gym, etc) and then come home (probably to spend not that much time with her and then drop both girls at their mum's every second Saturday) is not what contact is for.

I often (in my own household as well as in general) find myself wondering why some NRPs kid themselves with an illusion of contact counted in time their children are unconscious in the house (so overnights) rather than actual quality time with the parent they're supposed to be building a relationship with. Honestly, a couple of hours of time out with their father would be much better for my SC than them being dropped off, plonked in front of the tv, fed separately and on their own, put to bed (with minimal involvement), given breakfast and plonked in front of the tv and then dropped at school (what actually happens at midweek contact). They might physically be in the house, but the actual social and physical contact with their father is pretty minimal. He kids himself that all is wonderful but it seems to serve his psychological and social need to pretend to the world he's an amazing father and little else.

Oh, and it's time off for his ex too. I'm sure she values that. But that isn't actually what contact is for either.

I regularly find myself wondering why child contact is arranged around the needs and wants of the parents rather than in any way being about the children. They're almost an afterthought in my SC's contact decisions.

In contrast, my ex and I have tried to arrange contact to suit our son. Rather than a 50-50 arrangement which means DS has to sleep in different houses all the time (which he didn't want), he sleeps here the majority of the time and only stays with his dad every other weekend. His dad lives 5 minutes walk away (a deliberate decision) and DS sees his dad after school 2 days every week. He walks there from school, hangs out with his dad (who arranges his work so he's able to be properly present for DS), has dinner and either hangs out some more or his dad takes him to his hobby. Then he comes back here (which is home to him), has a chat with me, gets ready for bed and such like. It's not perfect or anything, but we are trying to do our best to ensure quality and meaningful contact so he can have the best possible relationship with his father.

My H mocks my ex for 'hardly ever seeing his son' on the basis that he has him 3/14 nights (and often will discuss half terms with DS and decide together that he won't have (m)any overnights but will see his dad for proper, quality time. My H feels superior because his children sleep her more often than DS does at his dad's. But if we count it in time spent interacting with (and having meaningful contact with) their fathers, rather than time unconscious in the house, then my ex has far more time with DS. Ignoring where he sleeps, DS does generally spend 50% of his non-school awake and interacting time at each of his parents' houses.

My SC might sleep here more often, but they spend much of the time in bed (11-12 hours of sleeping a night because they're younger than DS). A Friday where they're dropped off at 6.30 by their mum and are asleep by 7.30 (and it's not an hour of time with daddy - it's them just getting ready for bed while he stares at his phone, a quick goodnight and no more) serves only to give him the illusion of contact and his ex a Friday night off. It's not really about the kids at all. And still, my husband whinges that I won't just look after them for him on the weekends they're here so he can go out with friends (missing bedtime), go on long bike rides, go to the gym etc. And even if he's present in the house, they're plonked in front of screens so he can play videogames himself or play his guitar or whatever.

And I sit there wondering whether he has any idea at all what the point of contact actually is.

InnaBun · 13/06/2021 13:07

FishyFriday I completely agree.

Starseeking · 13/06/2021 14:45

I agree with every word FishyFriday.

My exDSS used to spend 4 days out of 30 with us (the reality of EOW), and yet my EXDP used to get really angry when I expected him to engage with him. He'd throw those lazy accusations about me hating his DS if I asked EXDP to do anything with him. So glad I have got rid of that waste of space.

We haven't sorted out contact for our 2 DC yet, though I'm pretty sure he's expecting to do EOW, whereas I'm going to suggest 50/50. Let's see how that goes down with "Dad of the year".

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/06/2021 15:02

I'm dying for Disney to do a Snow White live action with the other side of the story of the evil queen. I actually think it could be amazing. King marries beautiful young woman to step into his dead wives shoes and she becomes the villain.

Magda72 · 13/06/2021 15:59

VERY well said @FishyFriday - I agree with everything you say.

harriethoyle · 13/06/2021 16:35

@Steppered. Ignore the tired old rantings of a goady moron who has no actual experience of the situation you find yourself in.

@FishyFriday and @aSofaNearYou have it right as usual. Your DP needs to step up and parent both of his children. As pp have said, just book your DC whatever activity they want and leave your DP to sort his own childcare out.

Rejoiningperson · 14/06/2021 19:37

@FishyFriday yes, yes and yes again.

We as step mums should just wear this on our t-shirts. Grin

I have so much stress about this too, just like the OP. One DSD was with us all the time, it ‘just happened’ which read between the lines was because her mum found her too difficult and her father, my Ex, was conventiently either taking the other DSD out to her class or at work or out with friends… every single Saturday and then after school too. Leaving me very frequently with one DSD on my own who was stroppy as hell and didn’t like me or my kids.

When I kicked up a fuss I was told:

  • it’s the DSDs HOME (how dare I)
  • DSD doesn’t need parenting as a teenager (er… yes she does)
  • that I was rejecting DSD (oh but her Dad and Mum weren’t?)
  • that I was trying to be DSDs mum (no! I didn’t want to but of course I had to deal with her if I was on my own… grrrr)

It was a MAJOR contributor to my break up. Looking back no way I would have put up with that for so long ever again. Don’t do it OP!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page