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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stuck Saturday Stepmom

113 replies

Steppered · 09/06/2021 16:42

We have the DSC every weekend: every other weekend is from Fri to Mon, next weekend is Fri to Sat pm. It has been like this for a few years now and was set up this way due to my DH’s job - he’s now taken a role closer to home and is 10 mins from school.

Saturdays are tricky – he takes DSD out to a hobby every Saturday morning and can often be gone for 3 hours at a time, leaving me with other DSD and my DC. To begin with, I was okay doing the default childcare, I saw it as a good chance to bond (and I do have a good relationship with the girls). But after all this time I am starting to get a little fed up of both parents being able to do what they want on a Saturday morning while I break up fights, entertain and rush to wash the kids stuff. Every other weekend is fine, no bother, but this arrangement is putting a strain on me, and also preventing me from doing things that I’d like to do such as enrolling my DC into a class or visiting family who are further away.

DH understood and has asked the ex if we are able to change for school pick ups and overnight in the week but she is putting her foot down and saying no change. I’m quite shocked she doesn’t want a full weekend with her DC. She doesn’t work so she does have plenty free time in the week (lucky). H would still take DSD to the hobby but other DSD would be home with Mom, rather than me.

So she has said no change and I’m not sure where to go now. I worry my DH is expecting me to roll over and carry on but quite honestly I’m not prepared to. I’ve had enough. I have suggested that all of the washing/meals for that Friday is now on him. I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored. If I make it hard for him maybe it will give them a kick in the butt? But I don’t know how we can get through to Mom either, feel really stuck and would sure be grateful for any ideas.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Standrewsschool · 10/06/2021 07:22

Book the activity for your dc and take dsd 2 with you? Also can you take dsd with you when visiting family?

Or if you want to visit family, leave dsd (and dc?) with dh. If the children have to get up early, so what. Once in a blue moon won’t matter.

funinthesun19 · 10/06/2021 08:46

To be honest, it’s the DC and the parents that matter when arranging contact and not new partners.

New partners seem to matter when it comes to facilitating these arrangements though don’t they?

RedMarauder · 10/06/2021 08:58

OP if you aren't prepared to look after the other girl then tell your DH. Then book or plan things for yourself and your children for Saturday.

Then make sure you leave the house on Saturday morning before your DH with your children even if you have to sit in a coffee shop for a few hours before the activity starts.

Yes it will cause an argument but you need to back your words up with actions.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 09:22

He needs to start taking his other DD along to the hobby, and if your DC are also his (I'm not sure) ideally he should be taking them too some of the time to give you a break.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 09:23

@Standrewsschool

Book the activity for your dc and take dsd 2 with you? Also can you take dsd with you when visiting family?

Or if you want to visit family, leave dsd (and dc?) with dh. If the children have to get up early, so what. Once in a blue moon won’t matter.

I would not take DSS with me to visit my family, that would be too much to ask.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 09:24

You were happy to do it before

Always a good reason to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do indefinitely.

timelord92 · 10/06/2021 09:31

I'm with you OP I wouldn't want to do it as an obligation either. I wouldn't mind every now and again but not religiously. With you not being able to do anything with your child that will only breed resentment over time too. If I were you I would take your dc to an activity and just tell your DP that next week you will be out and leave it for him to sort out.

I'm assuming that your DP's shifts have changed since the contact arrangements developed with you having the children every weekend. When they did change why did it continue just the same? I don't understand why the mum doesn't want to have a full weekend with them. Does she never ask to have them even occasionally to take them away or anything? Also, where is your and DP's down time together? As you don't really have that after work when you tend to eat, shower and then sleep.

The thing is I would expect contact arrangements to change over time and not stay constant as things do change over time, nothing ever stays the same.

No I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement at all.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 09:31

Why can't you take your step daughter with you when you visit family? She is your family too as you knew she was part of the package when you got with her father.
How old are your children. What activities do you want to do with them? Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child.
Poor girl.

LuckyWookie · 10/06/2021 09:33

“We” don’t have to get through to Mom at all. That’s his problem! Tell him you’re no longer available then go out of the house before he does.

FishyFriday · 10/06/2021 09:37

@Ilovemaisie

Why can't you take your step daughter with you when you visit family? She is your family too as you knew she was part of the package when you got with her father. How old are your children. What activities do you want to do with them? Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child. Poor girl.

Why is it the OP's job to take the younger stepdaughter along? Rather than her fathers job to take her along with him?

RedMarauder · 10/06/2021 09:40

@FishyFriday because she is a woman so it is her job is to facilitate her husband and his ex.

Crockof · 10/06/2021 09:40

@Ilovemaisie

Why can't you take your step daughter with you when you visit family? She is your family too as you knew she was part of the package when you got with her father. How old are your children. What activities do you want to do with them? Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child. Poor girl.

Mum doesn't want her, dad doesn't want her, can't see why op should pick up the slack. She says she spends her Saturdays meditating, she wants to travel further and I assume stay over night there. Why would DSD want to go to these people who are not her family and without her dad? It's Dad's time not step mum's.

FishyFriday · 10/06/2021 09:42

@aSofaNearYou

You were happy to do it before

Always a good reason to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do indefinitely.

Indeed.

Because people don't get less happy about things when people take the piss, forget it's a favour, and even more so when that favour is stopping you and your children doing what you'd like to do.

No amount of bullshit about package deals (which strangely seem to pass obligations from fathers to their wives and partners) is going to change the simple fact that the OP is no longer happy to be used as default childcare and have every Saturday taken up by her husband.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 09:43

@Ilovemaisie

Why can't you take your step daughter with you when you visit family? She is your family too as you knew she was part of the package when you got with her father. How old are your children. What activities do you want to do with them? Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child. Poor girl.

Erm no. My DSS barely knows my family and when they see me they want to see me, not help babysit my poorly behaved SC. Obvious SM bingo comment. You need to accept that SC are not biological children and their relationship with their SPs family may be different or non existent.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 09:43

Fishy it shouldn't be seen as anyone's 'job'. It's family life.

RedMarauder · 10/06/2021 09:44

@Ilovemaisie

Why can't you take your step daughter with you when you visit family? She is your family too as you knew she was part of the package when you got with her father. How old are your children. What activities do you want to do with them? Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child. Poor girl.

She is not the OP family.

If the OP divorced her husband tomorrow she would not have a legal right to see any of her step-children.

If her own children and the step-children are half-siblings they are the only ones who have a legal right to have a relationship with one another. This relationship would be facilitated through their father without the mothers being involved.

(Yes some mothers are able to tolerate each other to ensure half siblings have good relationships but not all do.)

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 09:46

@Ilovemaisie

Fishy it shouldn't be seen as anyone's 'job'. It's family life.

Families are all different. In a step family, the parent is more responsible for caring for their kids than the step parent, who is there in a totally different role. Stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole by insisting step families must be exactly like other families, they aren't.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 09:47

aSofa if your step children's biological mother died and they came to live with you full time what would you do on Christmas Day! Leave them in the car because your family "barely know them"?

Nuggetnugget · 10/06/2021 09:48

It's a silly excuse for him to say he can't take his other child as they would get bored.

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 09:49

@Ilovemaisie

aSofa if your step children's biological mother died and they came to live with you full time what would you do on Christmas Day! Leave them in the car because your family "barely know them"?

No, if my SCs mum died and he lived with us full time my parents would naturally get to know him better as their paths would actually cross. But I would still expect my DP to allow me to spend time with them without him by doing the bulk of the work with his son. I wouldn't act like an adoptive parent unless I was one.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 09:52

Just take your step daughter with you the same you would if she was your biological older child.
Poor girl.

Poor girl having to spend time with her dad?!

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 09:55

I seem to be causing a bit of anger here with my comments. I don't have step children so obviously I can't speak from experience.
However I am currently taking part in a parenting group and yesterday we were discussing family set ups and responsibilities of care etc.
We essentially agreed that children are children and they need good adults in their lives whether they are biologically related or not.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 09:57

@Ilovemaisie

aSofa if your step children's biological mother died and they came to live with you full time what would you do on Christmas Day! Leave them in the car because your family "barely know them"?

What would OP's partner do if she died? He would have to take DSC with him. So he should just do whatever he would do if OP wasn't around unless OP offers.

Ilovemaisie · 10/06/2021 09:58

InnaBun I meant "poor girl" as in she must feel unwanted because her step mum can't possibly let her come along to a family visit or go with her younger half siblings to whatever activity they are doing.

InnaBun · 10/06/2021 09:58

We essentially agreed that children are children and they need good adults in their lives whether they are biologically related or not. yes and OPs DSC have adults in their lives to care for them. It's just OPs DH for some reason doesn't want to spend time with one of them.

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