Stuck Saturday Stepmom

[Steppered]

We have the DSC every weekend: every other weekend is from Fri to Mon, next weekend is Fri to Sat pm. It has been like this for a few years now and was set up this way due to my DH’s job - he’s now taken a role closer to home and is 10 mins from school.

Saturdays are tricky – he takes DSD out to a hobby every Saturday morning and can often be gone for 3 hours at a time, leaving me with other DSD and my DC. To begin with, I was okay doing the default childcare, I saw it as a good chance to bond (and I do have a good relationship with the girls). But after all this time I am starting to get a little fed up of both parents being able to do what they want on a Saturday morning while I break up fights, entertain and rush to wash the kids stuff. Every other weekend is fine, no bother, but this arrangement is putting a strain on me, and also preventing me from doing things that I’d like to do such as enrolling my DC into a class or visiting family who are further away.

DH understood and has asked the ex if we are able to change for school pick ups and overnight in the week but she is putting her foot down and saying no change. I’m quite shocked she doesn’t want a full weekend with her DC. She doesn’t work so she does have plenty free time in the week (lucky). H would still take DSD to the hobby but other DSD would be home with Mom, rather than me.

So she has said no change and I’m not sure where to go now. I worry my DH is expecting me to roll over and carry on but quite honestly I’m not prepared to. I’ve had enough. I have suggested that all of the washing/meals for that Friday is now on him. I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored. If I make it hard for him maybe it will give them a kick in the butt? But I don’t know how we can get through to Mom either, feel really stuck and would sure be grateful for any ideas.

If I was a Step Granny I would accept any step children with open arms. If I invited my daughter and her children round for a visit I wouldn't bat an eyelid if one of those children was a step child.

I’m sure my parents enjoyed it when my former dsc came over with me. I know they have always been fond of them. Not all stepgrandparent relationships are like that, and that’s why you can’t just put a blanket rule on to it.

BUT, equally so, my parents didn’t bat an eyelid when dsc didn’t come over with me. They certainly didn’t question why I didn’t factor dsc in to every second of my day.

I’m a single mum - my son comes to my daughters ballet and she come to his football. And it’s fine. Tell your DH to suck it up!

Yanbu OP. Book something for your child so you're not seen as an option.

If he was a single parent to the girls then his only choices would be to take the other to the hobby or not attend hobbies. He is being unreasonable not to take the other dd with him and look after her like a parent would.

@Ilovemaisie you have an idyllic view of what extended families are like.

Some extended families like mine welcome children in, while others don't.

Regardless unless we explicitly offer we don't do childcare for people regardless of whether the children are blood related or not.

@Ilovemaisie what planet are you on? Why are you trolling the Stepparenting board when you've admitted it's nothing to do with you and something you have no experience in? I have reported you for some of your nasty comments and dishing out "evil stepmother" and "poor girl". How dare you come on here and give me that! For 6 years that poor girl has CHOSEN to stay with me rather than get up and go out in the cold and get bored. I've baked with her, done crafts with her, taken her shopping. While her parents do NOTHING. And I don't mind doing it occasionally, I would even be okay doing every other weekend, but it is totally wing clipping me and my child. As for your insinuation that I wouldn't include her in my family visits - you are wrong again. My family are a 3 hour drive away! So if I drove us all up there, I would either have to turn around half way there and drive back for handover, or (as has happened before) just do it anyway (with Dad's blessing and because she asked) and drop her back later and then have her Mom trashing me for spending time and including her. Because I can never win.

I work all week and never get a weekend to myself, never any time to relax. Mom does not work at all so has plenty of downtime - feels relevant to me! I don't understand why she wouldn't want her girls every other weekend to spend some quality time with them. My OH is happy to still take DSD1 to her hobby every Saturday, then DSD2 would at least get some 1on1 time with Mom. DSD2 has ADHD so this quality time is important and it is so disruptive dropping her back every other Saturday.

What about if Mom dies? I knew what I was getting into? Do you apply these scenarios to every issue in your life? Course you don't. I have provided free childcare every weekend for 6 years and I am a wicked stepmother!

I have never posted on here before because I have seen how bad it is, I thought it had improved but obviously not. Thanks so much for the posters who have understood but I am out of here, talk about kicking someone when they are down. No wonder Stepmoms have it so damn hard.

Couldn't dsd2 join dsd1 hobby or have something for herself? What would she like to do -- within reason ie logistics possible so that one or the other of you can drop/collect. If she isn't in to hobbies she can read/play/watch tablet with Dad while dsd1 dies her hobby. But really, it would be good for her to have something for herself, I feel quite sorry for her.

I think it's mad that your SC are coming on that Friday-Saturday PM weekend only for your DH to take one to a hobby the whole time on Saturday and leave the other one with you.

He should either be taking both of them with him or they should just come for the evening on Friday.

Also, if you want to sign your DC up to a class or club then you should do that. If her mum won't change the schedule then your SD will just have to decide if she goes with you to that or goes with her dad to her sister's hobby.

Steppered I apologise for upsetting you. I didn't mean to. You didn't include any of those details in your original post so we didn't have the full picture. I now realise there is more to your situation and it's more complicated. I didn't call you specifically an 'evil stepmother' and I realise now that was a horrible thing to say (to all stepmothers) so I apologise for that too.
I agree - I don't have experience of situations like this.
Please accept my apology. It is genuine. I am sorry for upsetting you.

I agree its cheeky. She has every single Saturday childfree. Tell her its not working for you any longer. Is a total nerve of the ex. SAHM and every weekend free.

I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored
I think you need to push this, he can do whatever he wants with them but he is taking them both. Ideally sign up for a class or something with your DC so you being the default childcare is not an option.

He needs to take his children with him.

It’s not your problem

I get why you want to change things but it's up to your DH to facilitate that not his ex.

You can take your own DC to a class, of course you can. DSD2 will have to tag along with her dad and big sister if you're not available to look after her.

I can't understand parents who behave the way your DSDs mum is. It's reasonable to expect that as children get older / hobbies and the wider requirements of family change, childcare / contact arrangements may have to change as well.

Unfortunately, I can only see the few options that you have already considered:

1. Your DH speaks again to his ex and says her refusal to renogiate is not helpful and they need to work on a solution together

1. Your DH takes both your DSC to the Saturday morning hobby. Yes, it's dull having to watch someone else do something you're not a part of, but that's life. The DSC not participating will have to find a way to occupy themselves (with the help of your DH, if necessary)

1. Your DH arranges paid childcare for the DSC not doing the Saturday morning hobby (to be honest, even though you shouldn't have to take responsibility at all, I would investigate options and give him a shortlist, to minimise further delay in sorting this out - childminders, babysitters, alterantive hobby for your other DSC) - by the way, if his ex objects to this, it's not up to her to have a say. It's polite to keep her informed, but she doesn't get to say whether you can use paid childcare during the periods her children are with their dad.

It sounds like your DH is making this way more difficult than it needs to be. He has said he understands and accepts change needs to happen - he needs to follow through with action. Best of luck!

Tbh my course of action would be to sign your DD up to whatever activity she wanted to do and then your DH can take it from there. Maybe your SD would be interested in DD's new hobby too.

He needs to take DD2 with him. It is really that simple. Plenty of other parents do that. I have had to drag my kids to things their siblings were taking part in because my husband worked weekends. Now they are mostly old enough to stay at home alone.

But it should not stop you having a life, because DH should be spending time with his own children.

To be honest, it’s the DC and the parents that matter when arranging contact and not new partners.

I agree. It's for the parents to coparent.

New partners seem to matter when it comes to facilitating these arrangements though don’t they? hmm

The problem is the father in this situation and it's his responsibility to sort out. He is shirking his responsibility and that isn't the fault of the kids mum.

@funinthesun19 only in cases like this where the dad/husband is frankly, rather shit.

I have never posted on here before because I have seen how bad it is, I thought it had improved but obviously not. Thanks so much for the posters who have understood but I am out of here, talk about kicking someone when they are down. No wonder Stepmoms have it so damn hard.

Don't take the extreme views and comments of the odd poster to heart, when you know it's a load of nonsense and doesn't apply to you.

I have suggested he takes both DSDs to hobby but he doesn’t want to because it would mean getting DSD2 up and out early and being bored
I imagine the shit you do not give is indeed shiny. Book your dc in and tell him it’s happening. If it’s a terrible arrangement for dsd2 tell dh he will have to reconsider dsd1s hobby - perhaps there is another time. Perhaps there is some thing they can both do. He has three children, two of which are his responsibility on Saturday mornings because just as his daughter has done her hobby for a long time, your child is getting a chance.

Book the class you want for your child and leave your partner to organise care for his child. Occasionally stepping up to help is good, doing it every week is being taken advantage of.

This ^ wot @Disfordarkchocolate said

Even if you don't book something, make sure your DH is clear that you will not be around to 'babysit' DSD2 do that he rather than their mother needs to find an alternative solution during his parenting time

He has had it very easy so far, hasn't he.

If he hadn't met you he would have to take them both. My eldest does netball on a Monday after school so we go, drop her off and then I take dd2 to the park or we go for a walk or something. Works really well, to the extent that I can't persuade dd2 to start netball next year! Can't your dh just do that?

How much actual dad time is involved in this activity? It's one thing if it's three hours where dad is coaching/leading to allow an activity to go ahead. Another completely if dad is just driving there and snoozing in the car till it's time to go home....

Are you able to say what the activity is or how much involvement dad has in it?

Dad, Mum and DSC1 are all happy with this arrangement.

I wonder how DSC2 feels? What does do for 3 hours with them regularly?

Of course YANBU, you should have the freedom to spend your time with your DC as you like. Whether DSC2 can tag along with Dad will be entirely dependent on what the hobby is. Either way,a solution needs to found or this will start to cause resentment.

@Ilovemaisie

InnaBun I meant "poor girl" as in she must feel unwanted because her step mum can't possibly let her come along to a family visit or go with her younger half siblings to whatever activity they are doing.

I wonder if you also feel sorry for the girl that her own father doesn't want to take her on his hobby trip with DSD1, or that her own mother doesn't want her to stay at home with her.

Or is it just step-mums who refuse to do the bidding of the biological parents who are wicked witches???