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Original poster

Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

379 replies

45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:19

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

OP posts:
Sandywitts · 05/06/2021 22:16

@Footloosefancyfree

He sounds like a waste of space, he leaves when the youngest was 6 months old and moved 250 miles then has another child with another woman and wants to stop contact with a 5 and 7. How are you not embrassed to be with him..
I’d be embarrassed to be as judgmental as you.
Serpenta · 05/06/2021 22:18

It is truly regrettable that some people seem to think that their first set of children represent an audition for parenthood as opposed to a very real lifetime commitment.

Yes. A starter kit that can be put aside when the situation gets fractious.

Roodicus21 · 05/06/2021 22:20

My dbil doesn't have contact with his ds. Now has a dd with nee wife. Always paid maintenance but hasn't seen child in 7 years. Says ex is too difficult, wouldn't let him see dc etc. Never been to court or applied. Is intelligent enough to do it himself I would imagine. He is genuinely a great dad to current dd, but I just can't marry up how he can have nothing to do with first born. He thinks they'll walk back into his life when they're 16 (soon). We'll see. I couldn't live if I couldn't see my dc.

gigi556 · 05/06/2021 22:20

@Footloosefancyfree it was the mother that moved 250 miles away and took the kids with her.

Startingagainperson · 05/06/2021 22:22

@Serpenta

It is truly regrettable that some people seem to think that their first set of children represent an audition for parenthood as opposed to a very real lifetime commitment.

Yes. A starter kit that can be put aside when the situation gets fractious.

Yes my father did this to me. Never forgiven him, he left us high and dry. I’d never give up on my kids, and wouldn’t respect anyone who did.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/06/2021 22:23

@Toddlerteaplease

A friend of mine lost touch with his son when he was 8. Due to divorce. It came to light recently that the son has always resented it. And hasn't forgiven him.
It came to light recently? Surely anyone with a brain cell would know that would be obvious.
5zeds · 05/06/2021 22:24

Are his children safe?

Zeev · 05/06/2021 22:24

He says it's different circumstances, different partner

So many men see their children as something that is tacked onto their relationship. If the partner gets left behind, so do the children. Circumstances and partner should have nothing to do with it. They are his children.

TDMN · 05/06/2021 22:24

OP id suggest searching for threads on here by people who were abandoned by one of their parents for a new family and how its affected their life. It fucks people up. And if he could do this to them, he is capable of doing it to your son too. I cant believe you are even considering backing this. Look at your son, can you imagine just deciding he was too much hassle and walking away?

Footloosefancyfree · 05/06/2021 22:29

Sandywitts so you thinknits acceptable for a dad to give up on his two dc from a previous relationship and focus on his new family Biscuit

I don't see anywhere op confirming that the mum moved away.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 22:30

@Zeev

He says it's different circumstances, different partner

So many men see their children as something that is tacked onto their relationship. If the partner gets left behind, so do the children. Circumstances and partner should have nothing to do with it. They are his children.

I don't get this mentality. It isn't about the children being tackdd onto their relationship, it is about the relationship with the kids being blocked by the other parent. That's not the same thing.

A lot of people really downplaying parental alienation here. At it's worse, it isn't "communication being a bit difficult". A resident parent has the power to totally block you seeing the kids if they choose to use it, it goes a long way beyond being a bit difficult.

Cowbells · 05/06/2021 22:31

Ask yourself if you could give up on your child. If not, why not? What level of dissociation and cold-heartedness would you need to reach that stage? He's at that stage.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 22:33

@Footloosefancyfree

Sandywitts so you thinknits acceptable for a dad to give up on his two dc from a previous relationship and focus on his new family Biscuit

I don't see anywhere op confirming that the mum moved away.

To be fair in one of the OP's posts she says 'The ex moved to be closer to her family hence the distance.'
Startingagainperson · 05/06/2021 22:34

@TDMN I’m one of those children. The comment about ‘being there when they are older’ particularly got to me. Children need their parents when they are young and to give up is awful. It has affected me in so many ways. I always felt not good enough. My own father not bothering with contact. In his own mind he was fine, he still sends me the odd ‘reminder’ text saying ‘do you remember when I took you out to dinner when you were 11’... yes I did Dad. It was the only time I saw you that year.

He didn’t send much maintenance either, so we were constantly poor. The contrast with others friends, whose Dad’s were there to pick them up from the party, or bought them clothes, or just took an interest in their life. My brothers had very difficult childhoods and my father just didn’t have a clue. It’s pretty brutal.

So it doesn’t matter how ‘hard’ it is for him. It’s 100x harder for the kids being rejected. And it doesn’t have to be all about constant contact. He could send them more maintenance. He could check in with their mother and say that he values her as a mother, and try and build slowly support for her so that she feels better able to parent. He could build a nest egg for them for when they are 18. He could send them letters. Whatever he needs to do, he needs to do it.

DumplingsAndStew · 05/06/2021 22:37

This evening, my 13 year old daughter came home and mentioned her father had just walked past her in the street as he didn't even recognise her.

He tells people I stopped him from seeing our children, too.

The reality is very, very different.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 22:39

That's so sad, @Startingagainperson. The ramifications really ripple out through a person's life.

'it doesn’t matter how ‘hard’ it is for him. It’s 100x harder for the kids being rejected. And it doesn’t have to be all about constant contact.'

^ This is so true.

5475878237NC · 05/06/2021 22:42

She had a toddler and a 6 month old baby so no wonder she moved to be closer to family support as they'd just split. It seems like he's making a mistake that will hurt these girls for years.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 22:44

@DumplingsAndStew

This evening, my 13 year old daughter came home and mentioned her father had just walked past her in the street as he didn't even recognise her.

He tells people I stopped him from seeing our children, too.

The reality is very, very different.

That's bloody awful. How was your DD feeling afterwards?
Nogoodusername · 05/06/2021 22:44

Has he not thought about what it will do to his daughter’s self esteem growing up to have been abandoned by their Dad?

readytosell · 05/06/2021 22:47

@GertietheGherkin

It's very easy for people to say they would have no respect for someone who ceased contact with their children. If you meet a guy who has done nothing more than moved on with his life, but has been repeatedly over and over made to jump through hoop after hoop to maintain contact with their kids, but has every single tiny pathetic obstacle thrown in his way to cause alienation of his children why should he not say enough is enough. Also the kids will probably hate him in future years, but it won't be the dads fault, it'll be a given that their mother will do everything in her power to bad mouth and cause hatred. Not all relationships are easy, and if it means new partners, their kids, their step siblings being dragged through crap why would anybody want to go through that? Seriously? If the kids are very, very young it means many, many years of having to deal with a problem ex. When contact is constantly disrupted it causes upset for the children, but a guy has got to keep putting up with that for years on end? Why? It's all very easy to make judgements, but only those in the situations know the truth, making judgements on someone's parenting skills when they aren't given the chance to parent is unfair. I'm sure all the ones judging the guy in this situation wouldn't put up with being treated as he has. It doesn't always end in children resenting the absent parent either, being around their resident parent usually helps them see the situation for themselves when they are older, they usually then choose to live with the absent parent to get away from their nastiness themselves. It's very easy to judge, but faced with the same situation many would do the same.
Well said. The usual pearl clutching mumsnetters out in force who have no concept of reality.
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/06/2021 22:48

My ex husband had 2 children who he was going to be there for when they were older as well, their mum was pretty awful and he couldn't deal with it.

I was young and stupid and I went on to have kids with him.

Guess what? He found it very easy to abandoned our kids and play daddy of the year to his new womans kids instead.

Initially he blamed me, but now the kids all have their own phones and he can have contact with them with no involvement from me at all he messages twice a year (although he cut 2 of them off totally for being LGBTQ+).

With hindsight I would never, ever trust a man who can abandon his children so easily. If the mother is emotionally abusive towards the kids, threatening and regularly gets drunk then why is he happen to abandon them to a life of that?

Believe me if he can do ut to his daughters, he will easily do it to your son as well.

IsThePopeCatholic · 05/06/2021 22:48

@GertietheGherkin

It's very easy for people to say they would have no respect for someone who ceased contact with their children. If you meet a guy who has done nothing more than moved on with his life, but has been repeatedly over and over made to jump through hoop after hoop to maintain contact with their kids, but has every single tiny pathetic obstacle thrown in his way to cause alienation of his children why should he not say enough is enough. Also the kids will probably hate him in future years, but it won't be the dads fault, it'll be a given that their mother will do everything in her power to bad mouth and cause hatred. Not all relationships are easy, and if it means new partners, their kids, their step siblings being dragged through crap why would anybody want to go through that? Seriously? If the kids are very, very young it means many, many years of having to deal with a problem ex. When contact is constantly disrupted it causes upset for the children, but a guy has got to keep putting up with that for years on end? Why? It's all very easy to make judgements, but only those in the situations know the truth, making judgements on someone's parenting skills when they aren't given the chance to parent is unfair. I'm sure all the ones judging the guy in this situation wouldn't put up with being treated as he has. It doesn't always end in children resenting the absent parent either, being around their resident parent usually helps them see the situation for themselves when they are older, they usually then choose to live with the absent parent to get away from their nastiness themselves. It's very easy to judge, but faced with the same situation many would do the same.
I agree with this. It sounds as if the ex wife is hellbent on making things difficult. She is allowing her anger and jealousy to come before what’s best for the children (seeing their father). There is only so much a parent can do.
Serpenta · 05/06/2021 22:49

The usual pearl clutching mumsnetters out in force who have no concept of reality.

Several people have posted who've been the child in this situation. I don't think they've been clutching at any clichéd pearls.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 22:50

There is only so much a parent can do.

Is there?

Milliepossum · 05/06/2021 22:51

@BedknobsNoBroomsticks

I am unsure about this.

I have been close to a situation like this and the emotional turmoil the parent faced was unbelievable. Unless you have been in that situation of parental alienation it is hard to imagine.

I’ve seen it happen to someone too, they were almost bankrupted due to the litigation fees while the ex got free legal aid. A toxic ex can easily destroy the other parent and having to give up trying to even get 1 hour of contact a fortnight ends up being the only option.