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Original poster

Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

379 replies

45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:19

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 22:52

@Serpenta

There is only so much a parent can do.

Is there?

Short of forcing unwilling children into a car, yes.
Summerfun54321 · 05/06/2021 22:53

I don’t understand how he’s weighed up the short term gain of not communicating with his ex, against the lifetime of guilt and sadness caused by never seeing his kids again. He’s totally deluded to think if he ditches them now they’ll want anything to do with him in the future.

DumplingsAndStew · 05/06/2021 22:54

@Serpenta

Thanks. She's fine. Whilst I am aware that how she feels inside and that she'll likely be affected by this her whole life, she's kind of numb to it now tbh. A few years ago, after two years of no contact, he bullied them into going to a contact centre to meet with him. Then he didn't turn up, and wouldn't answer the phone to the contact centre staff. She's a very loyal little thing, but he just kept taking things too far.

ImInStealthMode · 05/06/2021 22:54

@TDMN

OP id suggest searching for threads on here by people who were abandoned by one of their parents for a new family and how its affected their life. It fucks people up. And if he could do this to them, he is capable of doing it to your son too. I cant believe you are even considering backing this. Look at your son, can you imagine just deciding he was too much hassle and walking away?

Hi, Daughter of a Dad who walked off without a backward glance and went on to play happy families with his new Woman and son here.

I could write the OP an essay on how much it fucked me up, from being bullied for having a single parent (it was not acceptable in the 80s, at least not round my way) and therefore suffering cripplingly low self-esteem as a child, to being wracked with jealousy for the brother I'd never met, to being full of anger about it all as a teen and young adult, to going on to let a series of Men treat me like shit right up until I got a handle on it in my mid-30s, and more besides.

Zeev · 05/06/2021 22:58

To be fair in one of the OP's posts she says 'The ex moved to be closer to her family hence the distance.'

To be fair the dad left the mother when she had a toddler and a 6 month old. What was she supposed to do, handle it all without a support network?

homebird29 · 05/06/2021 22:58

I would encourage him to see a professional therapist / counsellor to talk it through.

Todaytomorrowyesterday · 05/06/2021 22:58

I have a little sympathy and can understand a bit why he has ended up maybe where is head is at currently with his sons. But I’d find it hard to be with someone who could walk away from their children - regardless of sadly it sounds like the mother is doing.

I know he may think that it will be ‘easier’ when they older but it won’t be the case - the damage is done and regardless they have only heard one side of really a 3 sided story. (His, hers and the truth)

It won’t help his mental health not being in their lives - he may think it’s easier but having seen other parents in similar situations it hasn’t helped walking away.

You may not have the funds to fight for a court order but I think he should try.

As ever I only really feel for the 2 children while the adults play mind control games :(

Pyewackect · 05/06/2021 23:00

250 away miles is a five hour drive, that's ten hours there and back. So, if you set out at 6 am you wouldn't get there until 11 and if you were to be back by 8 you'd have to leave at 3. Time scales apart , that's £85 in petrol alone , not to mention the wear and tear to your vehicle or the wear and tear on yourself and the impact to your existing relationship.

In practical terms that's just not doable. You could do it over the wire but the tendancy is that once regular contact is lost then the bonds that tie soon start to break down and you focus on your everyday life, with the family you live with. They become your immediate priority. This is the reality of it : it's human nature.

When my parents split my father relocated to New York with his job and I had a distant relationship with him until I grew up, and now we see each other 4/5 times a year, global pandemics apart. Didn't leave me with any feelings of abandoment or resentment. As I said, this is the reality of it. You deal with it.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 23:02

@DumplingsAndStew, what a waste of space he sounds. I suppose at least she's emotionally separated from it now to a degree. It must have been awful for you to see him get her hopes up only to let her down so badly. Cruel behaviour. I'm sure she knows his behaviour is no reflection on her, some people are just selfish toads who should never have been parents.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 23:03

@Zeev

To be fair in one of the OP's posts she says 'The ex moved to be closer to her family hence the distance.'

To be fair the dad left the mother when she had a toddler and a 6 month old. What was she supposed to do, handle it all without a support network?

I was merely pointing out that the OP had said the ex had moved when a pp said the OP hadn't mentioned this in her posts.

Keep your snark to yourself.

Goingdriving · 05/06/2021 23:08

My friends ex partner poisoned the kids against her. Terrible poisonous lies. My friend went to court. She spent all her money on lawyers, tens of thousands of pounds. she finally got contact orders after two years but the partner kept blocking it anyway.

When the youngest child turned 18 the ex partner moved abroad without the kids. the mother and children have now reconciled largely because the kids realised the mother had always wanted to be there. They could see that she had never abandoned them and never given up the fight.

Humpthree · 05/06/2021 23:10

@aSofaNearYou

There is only so much a parent can do.

Is there?

Short of forcing unwilling children into a car, yes.

How about paying £250 and representing himself in court?

HalzTangz · 05/06/2021 23:11

@45thighs123

It's complete parental alienation, and trying to get contact is very difficult. It's been high conflict and childish blocking galore going on on the exes part. As well as Facebook status and threats of removing him from birth cert.

This is mostly in retaliation for finance leaving his ex and moving on. He's just emotionally done. He doesn't have a bond with the younger DSD at all really.

Why doesn't he just take it to court and get shared custody with set days etc he has them. The ex can moan all she likes but when a order is in place there's little she can do to stop it
Teessider · 05/06/2021 23:12

You won't get measured responses here OP. You'll mainly get idiots venting bizarrely

I understand what you're saying. Only you know him and the sort of man he is. Is he a man who'll just bin off his kids for an easy life and a new family? Or is he a man who's been driven to the brink by an ex partner who's used their children to punish him and control him?

I don't know the answer to this. Neither do some of the OTT weirdos on here. But you know the answer.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 23:13

[quote Humpthree]@aSofaNearYou

There is only so much a parent can do.

Is there?

Short of forcing unwilling children into a car, yes.

How about paying £250 and representing himself in court?[/quote]
Doesn't stop them ignoring the court order once it's in place, and it doesn't stop the other parent from alienating the child from their father. Yes court is a good start, but it isn't a cure all. So yes, there is only so much he can do.

Lottielovescake · 05/06/2021 23:14

Yuck! No way I’d stay with a man who gives up on his kids. He left their mother and now can’t be arsed with fighting for them because he has a shiny new family to play with... what a pathetic excuse for a man. Those poor girls!

justasking111 · 05/06/2021 23:14

[quote 45thighs123]@WhoisRebecca - exactly we have a house a son and he has no parents, they have passed. 30k is no way something we can afford. I'll be honest it 100% makes life easier from a purely selfish point of view. No more drama and arguments. Dsd's have met their brother once and that took months to get a date and a message to ask when we could drive up. Refusal to ever travel half way. Not allowed to have dsd's at our home. Threats of police on our limited contact time. Drunken phone calls and manipulative behaviour.[/quote]
I know a woman who did all this, her partner withdrew from the fight because of this as the children got older they worked out the drinking, manipulation for themselves, they came round to their fathers side in time. Take a step back for now, start a fighting fund just incase things deteriorate for them. If the ex then moves on with a new partner things may improve.

charley50 · 05/06/2021 23:18

My DP's dad left when he was a little baby, and didn't see him until he was 18, or pay maintainance to his mum. My DP forgave him to an extent, when he finally showed up, and had a relationship with him as an adult.

My DP then had a DD and split up with her mum. He didn't know how to be in a steady relationship. She made it almost impossible for him to see DD unless it was at her house, 400 miles away from where he met ex, and didn't allow weekly phone calls to his daughter. She was not allowed to visit him, and stay with him, for spurious reasons.

He pays maintenance and genuinely feels that his DD is doing fine with her amazing mum. He loves his DD from afar, with occasional contact. He is damaged by his experience with his dad and has passed it onto his DD. HIS dad was damaged by his experience with his dad, and the story actually goes back to the story of slavery, and enforced separation of families.

DP is not a bad person and loves his daughter very much. It just doesn't always translate into action, as it truly isn't what he knows.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/06/2021 23:20

Given the age the DC were when the relationship ended I can understand why she moved back to her family.

That was 4 years ago. What I don’t understand is why your partner did not attempt to move closer to them at some point in those 4 years. Surely that’s the first thing you’d try to do, knowing that the only way to build up a good relationship with such a young child is by regular contact?

Also why no attempt to get a court order at any time in those 4 years?

It’s all very well to say it’s too hard to move closer now because if your DC and both your jobs but your partner had the opportunity to do this a long time ago and didn’t take it. He also had the opportunity to take action through the court before getting into a new relationship and having more DC.
To me this says a lot about his priorities. He can justify it all he likes by saying she has been difficult but really what has he done??

flossletsfloss · 05/06/2021 23:29

I could never be with a man who gave up on his children. How terribly sad 😢

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/06/2021 23:29

Obviously its a scummy thing to do...... However I can see his predicament. I think its disgusting how the courts allow some women to be puppet master and ride roughshod over children developing a relationship with both sides of their family. It's wrong.

alltoomuchrightnow · 05/06/2021 23:30

Awful of him
Totally disgusting

TheLongHardSlog · 05/06/2021 23:31

While I'm not going to defend your DP either way, those saying "it's only £215" and "You can self represent" clearly don't know the system. Where I am it's £215 per hearing, and sometimes the judge won't accept your own made bundles so that can easily cost another £250-300 per hearing for those.

My ExH took me to court and it cost me nearly £6k, I certainly couldn't afford to go through court time and again.

We had 6 hearings in all so £1.3k just for hearings, before you get to the legal advice, the travel costs of solicitors (and yourself), paperwork charges etc.

It's a costly business.

It's not as simple as represent yourself.

Providence6 · 05/06/2021 23:31

I would show him the comments in this thread. Maybe he would get a wake up call. I am not sure it would make any difference though. Sadly he sounds heartless.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 23:31

I think its disgusting how the courts allow some women to be puppet master and ride roughshod over children developing a relationship with both sides of their family.

He hasn't gone to court.