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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

379 replies

45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:19

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

OP posts:
BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 05/06/2021 20:50

I am unsure about this.

I have been close to a situation like this and the emotional turmoil the parent faced was unbelievable. Unless you have been in that situation of parental alienation it is hard to imagine.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 20:50

He doesn't have a bond with the younger DSD at all really.

Poor little kid. Binning her off because it makes his life easier.

Original poster
45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:51

Moving closer isn't really an option, due to our jobs and our son.

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 05/06/2021 20:51

Not sure how anyone could walk away from there kids.

I look at my toddlers and would do anything to keep them.

oprahwindfuryy · 05/06/2021 20:52

Just ewww. I couldn’t be with a man like that. I know it’s not illegal, but as far as I’m concerned it’s up there with the most heinous crimes.

Original poster
45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:54

It's hard because I've seen the anguish. He has been withdrawing little by little by feeling helpless. Court fees are not affordable at all at the moment. It would bankrupt us. Maintenance is all paid.

OP posts:
Hwory · 05/06/2021 20:54

So he'll be a parent for the easy option?

A real parent fights for their children. Doesn't sound like the prince you picked is good enough for any of the children he chose to have.

GeorgeTheFirst · 05/06/2021 20:54

I mean I can see it's convenient for you so that you can forget about his baggage children. But look at it long term. If he can do this to them he can do it to your child. And if you can do this to them he will irreparably damage his relationship with them.

WhoisRebecca · 05/06/2021 20:55

DH was in this position. It cost 30k and ten court cases (the final hearing in front of a judge) for him to get reliable, regular contact - because she continually breached court orders. She only sticks to it now because the judge was very stern about consequences if she breached again.

DH has supportive parents with funds that allowed him to pursue this. Not everyone does.

Zarene · 05/06/2021 20:56

If someone took your son away from you would you not fight for him? Move to be near by, and spend everything you could to be able to see him?

I know I would for DD, and I wouldn't trust any parent that wouldn't.

Viviennemary · 05/06/2021 20:56

From what OP has said her partner hasn't walked away. The ex moved away and is making contact difficult. Whats the point of putting up a huge fight if he isnt bothered about maintaining a relationship. Which is going to be more or less impossible in view of the distance and the ex being awkward.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 20:57

I really think becoming a parent should be for 'better or worse' as in marriage vows, except to the power of 10. But so many men seem to be able to justify to themselves quite easily withdrawing from their kids' lives. I've no doubt dealing with a volatile ex must be incredibly difficult but be a grown up and find a way to deal with it.

Lavender201 · 05/06/2021 20:58

I don’t see how moving closer isn’t an option. How could you not prioritise moving closer to your own children? You can get different jobs. This is your sons siblings.

WhoisRebecca · 05/06/2021 20:58

He could have tried to prevent her moving in the first place with a prohibited steps order, but I can see that may have been difficult.

somersault · 05/06/2021 20:58

Yep, just couldn't be with a man either who abandoned his children

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 20:58

Whats the point of putting up a huge fight if he isnt bothered about maintaining a relationship.

His not being bothered is the problem.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 20:58

@45thighs123

It's hard because I've seen the anguish. He has been withdrawing little by little by feeling helpless. Court fees are not affordable at all at the moment. It would bankrupt us. Maintenance is all paid.
OP only you know if you feel this is justifiable. I could understand it and I wouldn't think it was going to happen again with our DD, for whom their has been no parental alienation. Ask yourself if YOU feel you still love and respect him.
GertietheGherkin · 05/06/2021 21:01

It's very easy for people to say they would have no respect for someone who ceased contact with their children. If you meet a guy who has done nothing more than moved on with his life, but has been repeatedly over and over made to jump through hoop after hoop to maintain contact with their kids, but has every single tiny pathetic obstacle thrown in his way to cause alienation of his children why should he not say enough is enough.
Also the kids will probably hate him in future years, but it won't be the dads fault, it'll be a given that their mother will do everything in her power to bad mouth and cause hatred.
Not all relationships are easy, and if it means new partners, their kids, their step siblings being dragged through crap why would anybody want to go through that? Seriously? If the kids are very, very young it means many, many years of having to deal with a problem ex. When contact is constantly disrupted it causes upset for the children, but a guy has got to keep putting up with that for years on end? Why?
It's all very easy to make judgements, but only those in the situations know the truth, making judgements on someone's parenting skills when they aren't given the chance to parent is unfair. I'm sure all the ones judging the guy in this situation wouldn't put up with being treated as he has.
It doesn't always end in children resenting the absent parent either, being around their resident parent usually helps them see the situation for themselves when they are older, they usually then choose to live with the absent parent to get away from their nastiness themselves.
It's very easy to judge, but faced with the same situation many would do the same.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 05/06/2021 21:01

@Zarene

If someone took your son away from you would you not fight for him? Move to be near by, and spend everything you could to be able to see him?

I know I would for DD, and I wouldn't trust any parent that wouldn't.

Exactly that. Nothing would stop me from fighting and doing absolutely every single possible thing to see my daughter, the idea of just walking away and saying 'she can see me when she's an adult' would be unthinkable.

Original poster
45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 21:01

@WhoisRebecca - exactly we have a house a son and he has no parents, they have passed. 30k is no way something we can afford. I'll be honest it 100% makes life easier from a purely selfish point of view. No more drama and arguments. Dsd's have met their brother once and that took months to get a date and a message to ask when we could drive up. Refusal to ever travel half way. Not allowed to have dsd's at our home. Threats of police on our limited contact time. Drunken phone calls and manipulative behaviour.

OP posts:
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 05/06/2021 21:01

Poor kids. I think he is making a huge huge mistake here. They need their dad. It’s not good enough to do this and I wouldn’t be accepting it if I were you.

AgathaAllAlong · 05/06/2021 21:02

As others have said, only you know if this is a dealbreaker for you. It would be for me and I'd do everything in my power to get him to not do this. You don't get to be "emotionally done" when you are a parent! He has the responsibility to keep trying, no matter how he feels about it.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 21:03

If the kids are very, very young it means many, many years of having to deal with a problem ex. When contact is constantly disrupted it causes upset for the children, but a guy has got to keep putting up with that for years on end? Why?

Because he's their father.

Don't have kids if you're not prepared to be a parent through trying circumstances.

CarnationCat · 05/06/2021 21:03

I couldn't be with a man like this. His poor children. He should be fighting for them, not giving up.

WhoisRebecca · 05/06/2021 21:04

When I met my DH he told me he may have to move to a different city as the children’s mother was thinking of moving. He held off buying a house as she moved 3 times in as many years and he wanted to be where the children were.
Luckily she didn’t move and now the court order means she wouldn’t be able to do anything to interfere with contact. His smallest dd was not even one when she left him, but he fought for her and has an amazing relationship with his dc now.

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