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Original poster

Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

379 replies

45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:19

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

OP posts:
tiredybear · 05/06/2021 21:44

I don't get why people are saying he's walking away without even trying. They separated 4.5 years ago.

4.5 years of constant fights to see your children, who barely know you, would wear anyone down.

OP - It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation but it would be such a shame to give up now. I hope you can find some support with the links PP have sent.

milkytwilight · 05/06/2021 21:44

Most people self represent in court nowadays. I've recently had to do it, so you know as well as most of us that court fees is just an excuse! Your husband hasn't even tried! £255 to file the application, and he can self represent the whole way through so it costs nothing else.

PermanentTemporary · 05/06/2021 21:46

I wouldn't blame someone for having a low point in the circumstances.

But tomorrow he needs to pick himself up, dust himself down and try again.

Think about moving closer. Think about legal advice. Think about sending letters, cards, contact centre, whatever.

ThePlantsitter · 05/06/2021 21:48

He needs a sharp word. He should be attempting contact regularly and he should not stop attempting it even if he doesn't get to see his kids. I'm sure he his in anguish but not as much as an adult whose parent stopped trying to contact them because it was inconvenient. It will ruin their lives.

I don't doubt his ex is horrible and mad but that is not the fault of the children. Honestly OP I'm surprised you have to ask this. You have a child of your own. You know this is important.

Coyoacan · 05/06/2021 21:49

I don't know. As long as the children are safe and well cared for by their mother, is it always in their best interests for the father to take their mother to court for access?

And I say that as a single mother whose dd had a deadbeat dad.

Guavafish · 05/06/2021 21:50

Parent alienation is horrible

marble11 · 05/06/2021 21:51

@DelilahDingleberry

There are so many resources out there to be able to represent yourself these days. Lack of funds is no excuse at all.
I totally agree.

I represented myself.

LittleMimi · 05/06/2021 21:53

Poor children. Their mum prevents them seeing their dad, likely bad mouthing him to them and their dad is going to give up on them.

I do find it harder to judge the dad than the mum as it’s easy to say he should shell out tens of thousands and put himself and new family into poverty in order to get court orders which might not even be respected.

BlueDucky · 05/06/2021 21:56

He has been trying for 4.5 years. That's got to wear someone down.

blobblob · 05/06/2021 21:57

I had a work colleague who was in exactly that situation. Years of making arrangements to drive 400 miles - always cancelled at the last minute because his DD was "unwell". Always wanting money for this or that - he paid maintenance. Holidays cancelled, not allowed to have Christmas or see DD at birthdays - always a reason. But if Ex wanted a weekend off at short notice - suddenly she needed him. And if he didn't cancel his plans immediately she made a big thing of it and told the DD her dad couldn't be bothered with her.
His life was a living hell and it was impossible for him. And he didn't think it was doing his DD any good either. He gave up and concentrated on his own life. And made a new family and was so happy. Always sad about his daughter but in the end what more could he do.

When she was twenty she moved to London - and they began a lovely, father/daughter realtionship. He's now very close to her, her partner and his gorgeous new grandchild.

DelilahDingleberry · 05/06/2021 21:58

Trying what for 4.5 years if he hasn’t been to court?

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 21:58

@NameyNameyNameChangey

I bet his ex has a completely different story to tell, too.
yep.

and the truth will be somewhere in the middle of both their accounts.

BlueDucky · 05/06/2021 22:00

@DelilahDingleberry

Trying what for 4.5 years if he hasn’t been to court?
he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time

Moving heaven and earth.

OllyBJolly · 05/06/2021 22:01

So he walked out on his ex (you say “moved on”) leaving her with a six month old baby and a toddler under 3? I think she can be forgiven for moving closer to her family for some support.

And I’d hazard a guess he pays minimal maintenance.

Got yourself a peach there, OP. Hope you’re not financially dependent on him.

DelilahDingleberry · 05/06/2021 22:01

What does that mean in practice. If someone was stopping my children from seeing me, the first thing I’d do is seek legal advice. There’s tons of free advice about for this sort of thing.

beefest · 05/06/2021 22:02

You don't need to come on here and get blasted. You know your situation and what's best for your family. I wish you all the best in what will be a very difficult decision

Straussful · 05/06/2021 22:04

To those who say "i couldnt leave my child like that". It is NOT the same thing.

My husband has been a consistent and present father for our two (adult) children. When I first met him he was an adoring but frustrated father of his dd. Her mother made contact so difficult, to the point that he would turn up to an arranged time and she would start screaming he has no rights, haul the child into her car and drive away with high drama. If he did get her she would disappear when he tried to drop her home, at one point not making contact til a month later. She was fine with us, it was summer holidays, but it was all about the drama and punishment. Ultimately their dd suffered the most. DH continued to try to over compensate though so she has no respect for him and chooses not to have him in her life. He accepts this as his own fault. I think even if he had stayed single and paid the amount her mother wanted (he paid over what was court appointed but she mistakenly thought he was much richer than he was).

The saddest thing is, she is a good mother (loving and wanting the best for their daughter) and their daughter is a lovely woman but somewhat misguided with her attitude towards how to treat people (she rarely visited her grandmother but was chief mourner for the last two days of her life and at the funeral, weeping and wailing louder than anyone. MIL would have preferred some visits while she was healthy and wanted company!)

I can see where DH is coming from. He worked full time, did not have time or money to Keep going back to court, Everything was a battle. And he was evil personified according to DSD's mother. It is fairly to tough to have to battle that for years on end, dh tried it for a good few but the best thing he did was give up. I don't think the current circumstances would be any different if he had taken the other road. It's hard to keep on battling and especially if it's not to the benefit of the child and for that child she was always distressed at the drama created.

DinoHat · 05/06/2021 22:06

I wouldn’t blame him OP. It can’t be good for anyone who’s involved not least his daughter. You know the ins and outs and whether it’s justified better than anyone else.

Livelovebehappy · 05/06/2021 22:07

He might be there for them when they’re older, but will they be there for him? Doubtful. Men give up far too easily on their kids.

ImInStealthMode · 05/06/2021 22:07

Nope, I couldn't be with a man like this, I'm sorry.

Not only is he setting his Daughters up for a life of resenting him and wondering why they weren't as good as your Son, they also run the risk of going on to think they deserve being treated poorly by Men who claim to love them in their adult lives, or accepting poor behaviour because they haven't had a great male role model to compare to (I speak as the Daughter of a Dad who walked out).

If he upped and took your son 250 miles away tomorrow what would YOU do to maintain contact?

WeAllHaveWings · 05/06/2021 22:07

I could never respect a man who did not prioritise getting everything sorted with his first family before jumping into starting another just a couple of years later.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 22:10

@WeAllHaveWings

I could never respect a man who did not prioritise getting everything sorted with his first family before jumping into starting another just a couple of years later.
The tone of your comment suggests you simply don't respect "second families" generally, so you might not be the target audience for OPs post.
ImInStealthMode · 05/06/2021 22:11

Ps... as for being there when they're older, my Dad tried that for a while after 17 years of no contact. I have literally blanked his approach in the street and honestly wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire.

Good luck to your DP with that plan.

Footloosefancyfree · 05/06/2021 22:15

He sounds like a waste of space, he leaves when the youngest was 6 months old and moved 250 miles then has another child with another woman and wants to stop contact with a 5 and 7. How are you not embrassed to be with him..

Tiredoftattler · 05/06/2021 22:16

It would be very difficult for me to respect a man who could decide to give up on a relationship with his young children because he finds their mother to be too difficult to handle.

Children are not toys that you put away on a shelf and wait for a convenient time to take them out and play.

What will he do if your relationship hits a troubled or challenging spot?
Will he decide to withdraw from your son because he finds you to be too difficult or too problematic to handle?

It is easy to be a parent when things are easy and uncomplicated, but life is rarely that simple. Some people are prepared to go the distance, and others are happy to take their marbles and run when things become complex.

Let's hope for the sake of your son that he brings more maturity and staying power to that relationship than he is bringing to his relationship with his older children.

It is truly regrettable that some people seem to think that their first set of children represent an audition for parenthood as opposed to a very real lifetime commitment.

Be ever mindful that your child may only be an epiphany away from his father's emotional withdrawal.