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Original poster

Fiancé wants to completly withdraw from DSD's

379 replies

45thighs123 · 05/06/2021 20:19

Hi all,

I wonder if anyone has experienced this. My fiance is so alienated from his first two kids aged 5 and 7 he now just wants to withdraw completely.

We live 250 mile away. Contact has been sporadic over the last three years and he left the ex 4.5 years ago he does have to move heaven and earth to get contact time . He just says he cannot deal with the high conflict anymore. We have a one year old together and he's amazing with his son and we have great family time . I'm at a loss , it's his choice so what am I meant to think ??!?? I'm so conflicted. I get on with DSD but to be honest I have not seen them very much. He pays maintenance and always has. He said when they are older he will be there. But I've never seen a parent emotionally withdraw before. And when I see him with our son , I always ask well could you leave him ?He says it's different circumstances, different partner and he's committed to this family life. He has deep regrets over having his first two so young and he didn't want the second to be blunt he said he knew by then the relationship was doomed and bringing another baby into it was a massive mistake. But he's still responsible. Should I just accept his decision and move on?

OP posts:
bunburyscucumbersandwich · 05/06/2021 21:07

Have a look at helpwithchildarrangements.service.justice.gov.uk/going-to-court

Also, contact your local citizens advice as they can let you know if you can get any help towards legal costs.

Veterinari · 05/06/2021 21:08

@45thighs123

It's hard because I've seen the anguish. He has been withdrawing little by little by feeling helpless. Court fees are not affordable at all at the moment. It would bankrupt us. Maintenance is all paid.
So he's spending money on raising another child but won't try and see the ones he has? It doesn't have to be expensive. He can represent himself in court.

It sounds like you both want to ditch his children now they're inconvenient.

What will he tell them when they're older? That he couldn't be bothered to go to court or make an effort to see them? Yeah I'm sure they'll want to build a relationship on that.
He sounds great

Viviennemary · 05/06/2021 21:09

She sounds a nightmare. Perhaps your partner should report her to Social Services if she is drunk and abusive. Is she even a fit Mother. Thats quite worrying.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/06/2021 21:09

Seriously people, what do you expect the OP to do? Take a second job to raise the funds for the court fees? At the expense of time with her own child?

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 21:10

@AgathaAllAlong

As others have said, only you know if this is a dealbreaker for you. It would be for me and I'd do everything in my power to get him to not do this. You don't get to be "emotionally done" when you are a parent! He has the responsibility to keep trying, no matter how he feels about it.
Tbf, sometimes it isn't really in the kids best interests to keep pushing it. They don't want it, the mum is so aggressively against it they make life worse for the kids... it's not always the case that the best thing for the kids is for their dad to keep flogging the dead horse relentlessly.
Sandywitts · 05/06/2021 21:10

@GeorgeTheFirst

I mean I can see it's convenient for you so that you can forget about his baggage children. But look at it long term. If he can do this to them he can do it to your child. And if you can do this to them he will irreparably damage his relationship with them.
Where has OP insinuated anywhere that this is the end result she’s after?!
GertietheGherkin · 05/06/2021 21:10

@WhoisRebecca

DH was in this position. It cost 30k and ten court cases (the final hearing in front of a judge) for him to get reliable, regular contact - because she continually breached court orders. She only sticks to it now because the judge was very stern about consequences if she breached again.

DH has supportive parents with funds that allowed him to pursue this. Not everyone does.

No it runs into hundreds of thousands of pounds, it is often turned over to CAFCASS and then you've got to file everything at Court, have Solicitors, Barristers and endless Court visits. My Husband paid out £33,567 and still the court orders were breached. We've now got them all living with us as soon as they were able. They didn't need to be told anything they knew their mum was in the wrong. They saw her behaviour directed at them when she couldn't hurt him anymore
aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2021 21:12

So he's spending money on raising another child but won't try and see the ones he has? It doesn't have to be expensive. He can represent himself in court.

Unnecessary low blow, having a baby does not cost the same as court fees.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 21:13

I don't necessarily expect the OP to do anything, it's not her decision. Except maybe talk to her partner and explain to him that what he's planning is purely in his own interests and not in the interests of his children. So many men allowed get away with this with their second wife/partner choosing to agree with him that it's all the ex's fault rather than have to own up to the truth of what he's doing.

Serpenta · 05/06/2021 21:15

Tbf, sometimes it isn't really in the kids best interests to keep pushing it. They don't want it, the mum is so aggressively against it they make life worse for the kids.

Yeah, that's usually the excuse. No one wants to be painted as the bad guy

CosyAcorn · 05/06/2021 21:16

This sounds like a terrible situation for all involved and I can imagine the OP's partner is likely also suffering from the separation from his kids.

Like others, I struggle to understand how a guy can give up on seeing his children and yet be a good dad to another child. And yet both my grandfathers did this. They both left one family and started another, pretty much abandoned their first children and yet were very good and involved fathers second time around.

I dont get it but it does happen, and you might find your man does stick with you.

But if his ex is that awful and manipulative and selfish and cruel, then how can he not do all he can to stay in his children's lives? They might need a way to escape at some point.

Hadalifeonce · 05/06/2021 21:17

My niece made it almost impossible for her son's father to see him, every single visit took weeks of fighting.

Eventually his father said enough was enough, he was totally drained trying to fight to see his son. He sent cards and letters, but they were never given to him. He started sending them via my sister to ensure his son knew he lived him and wanted to maintain some sort of relationship.
The son started to see his mother for who she was and now has a proper relationship with his father.
Had it not been for my sister that might not have happened because of the relentless actions of his mother; so I can see how you DP can be completely beaten by the situation.

saraclara · 05/06/2021 21:20

Jeeeze. It seems like 90% of posters hadn't read OP's updates, have unlimited funds themselves and can't understand that others simply can't find tens of thousands of pounds to go to court for years and still have their ex block arrangements.

What a shit situation for both the dad and the kids.

MarchionessDeCamden · 05/06/2021 21:21

There is no way I could stay with a man who could hurt children. He doesn't get to choose which of his children are worthy of his love

DelilahDingleberry · 05/06/2021 21:21

Court costs £215. He can represent himself.

I’ve supported someone for over a decade who eventually got nowhere despite the judge saying mum was in the wrong and endlessly obstructive but I’d struggle to respect someone who walked away without even trying.

WhoisRebecca · 05/06/2021 21:21

@GertietheGherkin wow, 30k sounds very reasonable then! I’m sure it can run into hundreds of thousands, but I’m speaking from my DH’s experience rather than anyone else’s.

He is going back to court for more contact, but thankfully no further breaches. It did go to CAFCASS initially as she made up lots of ridiculous accusations that she had to drop later on. It was ludicrous. He didn’t see the kids at Christmas because for four years in a row they were ‘ill’ on Christmas Eve. The judge they had last time gave her a 40 minute lecture and was pretty no nonsense.

DelilahDingleberry · 05/06/2021 21:22

There are so many resources out there to be able to represent yourself these days. Lack of funds is no excuse at all.

paralysedbyinertia · 05/06/2021 21:26

Well, it isn't your decision, OP, so you can't force him to see his daughters. However, I would reflect very carefully on what this tells you about him. This is a man who is capable of cutting contact with his children when things get a bit too difficult. If he can do it to them, he can do it to your son too. He clearly isn't a good parent.

I guess the decision you have to make is whether you're happy to stay with such a man, knowing what he is like. There is no right or wrong answer to that. Personally, I'd find it hard to trust someone who could walk away from his own kids. I certainly wouldn't be having any further children with him.

BlueDucky · 05/06/2021 21:28

I feel that your partner should be trying to stay in touch but ultimately what can he do if his ex is stopping him?! What a nasty thing to do.

Daydrambeliever · 05/06/2021 21:31

Yeah, that's usually the excuse. No one wants to be painted as the bad guy

It is true that often the extremely high conflict between two parents can be detrimental than being separated from a parent

OP - have your partner look at Shared Parenting Scotland or Families Need Fathers (England and Wales) website. Lots of resources and advice for parents who are being refused contact or being alienated including advice on how to self represent in court.

MrMeeseekslookatme · 05/06/2021 21:34

If it is parental alienation, then I think your DH is naive to assume any behaviour from his ex will end when he abandons contact.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 05/06/2021 21:35

To be brutally honest, OP, I would not have had a child with someone who didn't move heaven and earth to get to see his already existing children. Whats done is done, though.

Blackcountrychik · 05/06/2021 21:37

My ex did this to his kids from a previous relationship . Walked away swearing it was his exs fault and they would find him when they were older ...

Few years down the line he moved to the other side of the world and didn’t even tell my kids he was going . Literally saw them one day and left a few days later and has never seen or spoke to them since !!!

I always swore he wouldn’t do it to my kids ... and he did !
I’m not saying every man is the same , but be careful he’s showing you what sort of Dad he is !

Gemi33 · 05/06/2021 21:40

I find this quite shocking, all the comments about making it easier for you, not moving because of your child, your finances....so your child is important but the other two children don't matter? They are all equally his children. If your child was kept from you I assume you would do anything and everything to have contact, not just walk away. This is no different. Those poor children.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 05/06/2021 21:42

I bet his ex has a completely different story to tell, too.