Some advice on how to relax when SC is here

[lemonsandlimes89]

Hello. I know I'll get absolutely roasted for this post. But I just need some help really. Or some opinions.

I have a son, who lives with me and my partner full time. He is 10. He doesn't see his biological father.

My partner has a daughter from previous who is 9. She lives a fair distance away; so we have her for all school holidays apart from we share summer and Christmas.

My partner and I are having a baby due later this year.

When my SD comes down, I feel great anxiety. Is this normal? I doubt it.

Everything changes when she is down. I love routine and I am a believer that kids need routine and boundaries too. My son has had the same bedtime routine since he was a baby and it just works perfectly. Never had a problem with him going to bed.

SD does not have this at home with her mum. She is able to go to bed whenever and there are hardly any rules to go by. Or if there are rules, very different to mine here.

I know every parent is different. I do get that. But I just assumed that whilst we are under this roof, the same rules go for both kids.

Well this doesn't happen. When my SD comes down it feels like we are preparing for royalty to come down! I understand my partner doesn't see her all the time but it's silly all the pandering he does.

When she is here she usually cries the first night as I guess it's the change. That's understandable.

My partner gets into her bed and cuddles her every night until she falls asleep. I have told him perhaps now she's getting older and we have a baby on the way, maybe he and her should have some cuddles before bedtime, and when it's bed to say goodnight. I worry that when baby is here he won't be available if needed (screaming baby etc).

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal.

She can do no wrong and my partner can't say no to her. He stays in the bathroom with her whilst she baths and I tell him she's old enough to do this by herself but he disagrees and says she asks him to stay and chat so he does. He says now we all live together he doesn't have 1-1 time like he used to with her and that she finds that hard. What can I do here? He goes out for the day with her and does separate things and my son and I go out and do that too?

Well I guess tonight I have just had enough. He let her go to bed with the Calm app on. Something he and I do not let my son do as we both said it isn't great to get used to listening or watching something to get to sleep to. My son wakes up, and he comes to see me and asks why she is allowed to do that when he's not? I questioned partner and he said there needs to be some discrepancies when his daughter is down. He said they are two different children so should be treated differently.

I do not agree with this. I also do not think that this is fair. Is it? Or am I being sensitive?

We seem to argue every time that she is down due to parenting. This concerns me for when our baby is here.

I feel like perhaps I'm not fit to be a step parent. And that upsets me because I do love my partner very much. But I guess some people just can't adapt to step parenting?

He told me that she isn't happy here because of the bedtime rules etc and that maybe he should stay at his parents with her as apparently she's more happier there. This breaks my heart because I do so much for her when she's here. I treat her like my own as much as possible. It really upset me when he said that to me tonight.

This just makes me think we can't be together anymore and maybe that him and I should look into co parenting this baby together.

I don't know. I'm just finding it really hard when she is here. Possibly hormones aren't helping. Please be kind, this is all quite new to me and feeling fragile.

I assume that you've known your step daughter for quite a long time, if you are partners with her father and are expecting another baby. Surely when you got together with her father, you would have worked out that she is very different from your son, and that you'd have to adapt. I'd hope so anyway.

This is your life now - it's not something that you can choose to be rigid about. You can't expect her to be the same as your son just because they are similar ages. They are obviously not the same, but your post indicates that you can't be flexible about this at all. I can't see this ending well if you keep this up .

Bedtime seems to be a big sticking point - but even with two children who are brother and sister, kids can be very different at bedtime. Not all kids have "the same routine since they were a baby". In fact , most don't . At 10 I'd expect a child to have their own personal routine, not something imposed on them since birth. Your DS sounds very regimented, to put it kindly !

If your step daughter needs cuddles from Dad, chats in the bathroom, and a Calm app to go to bed, so be it. If you don't like it, you really need to understand that your step daughter isn't going to stop needing these things just because you don't agree with them ( BTW many children and adults use calming apps to go to sleep - it's not such a terrible thing ).

I fully agree with your partner - you have made it very clear that your step daughter isn't in sync with you, and that you just can't accept that. No wonder he wants to take her to his parent's place .

You might love your partner very much, but he comes as a package deal , him and his daughter. If you don't like that, your relationship isn't going to survive.

My feeling is you'll be a lot happier if you just relax and back off some and don't worry. From what you've said, my feeling is you are taking this all too seriously and that's what's causing the problems.

Just let him spend time with his daughter and do things differently when she is there. This little girl won't be a little girl for very many years more, has lost having her father in the home whereas your children get that, and she is not even there very much.

I'd change the rules for your son some when she is there too so it is more fair to him, rather than try to change how he parents his daughter. After all, they had a relationship and way of doing things before you were even there so why not just let them have that little thing without trying to put yourself in the middle of it. For ex., if she gets to stay up late or go to sleep with music on or whatever, then so does your son- but only since it's a holiday with the other child there.

Deep breaths! You can do this and you can do this happily. :)

Expecting your partner to completely change as a parent now you a pregnant with a joint child is as bigger cliche as someone commenting that 'you knew what you were getting into.'

Your children are different people and have different needs, as will your baby. Needing her dad and white noise at bedtime is hardly throwing the rule book out the window. My own two children living in the same home 100% of the time have different bedtime routines to meet their needs.

Maybe he does need to spend time at his parents with her, if you couldn't relax with her present before it's really not going to be easier with a baby in the mix. This may be what you need for a while to reduce your anxiety.

Try to put yourself in your DH's place, which you can probably easily imagine since you have your son. Say your son lived with your ex, not you. Most parents will feel pretty crappy about that, their child doing without them most of the time.

Say your little boy only got to come see you on the same limited time basis your SD does, only he was coming to stay with you and your new DH and his child.

What would you hope for your new spouse to do? Wouldn't you think they were so great if they could just let you have it? Just fade out a bit and let you do things your way with your little boy, with a smile?

You can't really do a blended family thing with the same rules for all and such when the little girl is only there on such a limited basis. I'd be sure not to compete with her. It's just really not fair to this child, who's been put through enough already through no fault of her own.

Think of it from your partner's point of view. He hasn't see his daughter in a while so when she arrives, he WANTS to spend time chatting with her in the bathroom, he WANTS to watch her fall asleep. Your approach, in contrast, sounds very cold.

Your dsd equally wants to be able to cuddle and relax with her dad. That's completely reasonable and normal.
At 10, I would expect a child to have some say over how they go to sleep. My ds would go up at 9pm and read until he felt sleepy.
You sound quite rigid and controlling to be honest. You may think you are doing a lot for her but maybe you should do less because you are already driving your dp and your dsd away. Just relax, back off and let your partner parent his dd.
You could even let your ds try some of these things.

I think it's very important to keep in mind that you, your son, your stepdaughter and your child-to-be each have your own place in your husband's heart and none can take the place of any other.

If your son wants to listen to the app to sleep then let him otherwise it is going to cause resentment.

I completely get the "treating her like royalty" I am almost expected to be stood at the door greeting their arrival. When I feel it is better to treat them like they live here, as they do, I don't great my husband enthusiastically at the door every time he comes home.

I would just leave him to parent his daughter and you focus on your children, you might have to let yours do things she is for the sake of harmony or you could just explain you have different parents so different rules. As long as dad isn't the one telling your son he can't do things she can.

She'll be embarrassed about bathtime chats with dad soon so that will naturally stop.

Honestly you sound like a complete control freak. You knew he had a dd and presumably you met her and had her to stay before you were pregnant, but now you want every detail of their life to be done your way? He only sees her in the holidays? That's shit enough.

When my dp has his kids over I leave him to it. No I don’t agree with everything he does with them but that doesn’t make him wrong. His kids are here to spend time with him. So I let him get on with it. Means I don’t get stressed thinking I have “visitors” and have to look after him, and he and his kids can have nice time together. It’s fine to do things differently .

I do get it as we have a very similar set up with DSD and it can be frustrating, but you need to look at it from her pov. Things are different in your house, she feels unsettled, she probably feels the tension coming off you no matter how kind you are too her. You do need to adapt in blended families and its never going to feel perfectly fair to everyone. For example, my DSD11 is an extremely fussy eater and will only eat very limited junk food. The rest of us (4 other kids although the baby doesn't eat yet!) eat a variety of healthy meals and even the toddler is expected to eat veg. If we served DSD veg she would sob and make vomit noises and create a huge fuss - it just isn't worth the aggro when she isn't here that much, and as annoying as it is for an 11yo to rule the roost, she's just a kid not an evil genius, she doesnt cause issues on purpose. So when shes here we usually have one takeaway night where we all eat crap food, sometimes her and DH eat separately or if its something like a Sunday roast, we all eat together but we let her just eat her usual chicken nuggets and chips and if the other kids ask we just tell them everyone's different. DD12 understands, DD2 is too busy filling her face to care so it's just DSS5 who questions it, and less so as hes getting older.

I'm sure your son can understand too that some things need to be different for different kids, and tbh if hes struggling to fall asleep and wants to try the calm app why not just let him? Sounds like she isn't there very much so a little change to routine during holidays won't kill him

You already knew the situation.
Why did you decide to stay and throw a baby in the mix?
I couldn't do it OP, perhaps split and co parent would be better.

I think house rules should apply to SD though, same bed time and no sleeping apps.

I would talk to your DS and explain that the relationship with a DD who doesn't live with you all the time is different from one where the child is always there.
DF feels sad she isn't there and is inclined to let her have what she wants.
If DS was away much of the time you might be the same.
However you don't want it for him as he is such a nice, friendly boy and your rules will also apply to his DB.
Sounds like she is always going to be a spoilt princess and he needs to accept it.

I agree with you OP. In my opinion unless she has a medical condition and needs monitoring in the bath, 9 is way too old for bath time supervision. Though as others have pointed out, I would imagine it will stop soon.
She shouldn’t be treated differently, your home, your rules. However as your partner sounds like he’s going to have a massive strop if he doesn’t get his own way, it appears you’ll have to give in to them both for an easy life.
I’d let it go, remove myself from the situation, don’t talk about his parenting, maybe let your DS do something/have something as a treat when she’s there.
Why can’t you have family outings when your step daughter is there? say if you all go to the park but separate when you get there. Join back up for a picnic....
I think you have to accept that he’s probably not going to be able to help out with the new baby- not when his daughter is there anyway.

But it does sound a bit as if there will be a wedge driven between you and DP. If she stops staying with you and stays with DGPs it seems unavoidable. Splitting may turn out to be the best thing.

Why can’t children fall asleep listening to something?

Your too controlling she's now got a step sibling living full time with her df and a new baby on the way her time with her df is limited to holidays. Let him parent the way he wants I suspect you haven't been on the scene long if this is now an issue.

Does SD only come to you in the holidays? That is a big gap, if so. You need to explain to your DS that she is away from her home and normal routine and needs some help to get settled in, you need to explain it to yourself too by the sounds of it.

I think you also need to prepare for the fact that your DH will be doing less with the baby when his DD is there. He is obviously desperate to make her feel comfortable, which is totally understandable.

Don't cause friction about your children, your DH will have to support his DD, as he is the only parent she has when she is with you. I understand that you do a lot for her, but it sounds like you are missing a bit of understanding and empathy for her situation and your DH's.

You find it tough. Imagine how she finds it! She's a young child whose family broke up. She rarely sees her dad and when she does, you are hovering with disapproval at the time they spend together. Meanwhile your son gets her dad's company 24/7.

Just adapt and be way way kinder to the child. Let them chat in the bathroom, cuddle in bed. If your DP left you for another woman in the future, would you want your child by him to feel unwelcome and imposing in his own dad's home?

She shouldn’t be treated differently, your home, your rules.

And is it not her dp’s home as well? Who made the op the boss?

Try taking a step back and try viewing things from your dsd's point of view. You rightly say that children need consistency but what does that actually mean? she is not lucky enough to have consistency in where she lives (unlike your dc).
Rigidly imposing your routines feels like consistency to you but is a massive inconsistency for her.
Her needs may be different from your dc so require a different approach.
I understand how challenging being a step parent is (I'm no longer in that role).
I also know what it's like to have a child whose needs weren't met when staying with her df and his wife.
Using the calm app seems totally appropriate and I can't imagine why you would try and stop this. You simply explain to your dc that dsd finds it difficult to sleep away from her mum. Encourage empathy in him.

I'm a step parent of a now grown up child. I wish I had been more laid back. You sound quite controlling of your DS and expect the same for your DSD. The right control on your son is quite unusual and you will have issues there. Cuddling a child to sleep and talking to her in the bath is lovely and going to stop very soon anyway in the next few years. Don't create tension over something nice (are you jealous of it?). She is hardly ever at your house anyway (maximum of 12 weeks a year?) Whereas your baby is going to have Dad 52 weeks. She deserves more of his attention.
Chill out and make the home a relaxed happy place for you all

To be honest op you sound jealous of his child.

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal

this stands out to me he is comforting his dd who is clearly struggling to settle in the current set up with you and your son who by the sounds of it moved in together recently and with a baby in tow.

You sound a bit much and he sounds, well - not enough. At nine, she shouldn't really need bath-time supervision and being cuddled off to sleep by a parent. That said, it is absolutely none of your business if she wants the 'Calm' app at bedtime, and your dogged resistance to it isn't very edifying. Very peculiar.
Also - if you share Christmas and Summer holidays, then when you say 'we have her all holidays' what you mean is, Easter and half terms? Not exactly an onerous amount of time, then. Lighten up a bit.

I think it's lovely that your partner wants to spend quality time with his daughter when she's with you. Surely that's a good thing? Also don't get the angst with listening to something as you fall asleep. Your son is going to want to change his routine at some point, it may as well be now.