Some advice on how to relax when SC is here

[lemonsandlimes89]

Hello. I know I'll get absolutely roasted for this post. But I just need some help really. Or some opinions.

I have a son, who lives with me and my partner full time. He is 10. He doesn't see his biological father.

My partner has a daughter from previous who is 9. She lives a fair distance away; so we have her for all school holidays apart from we share summer and Christmas.

My partner and I are having a baby due later this year.

When my SD comes down, I feel great anxiety. Is this normal? I doubt it.

Everything changes when she is down. I love routine and I am a believer that kids need routine and boundaries too. My son has had the same bedtime routine since he was a baby and it just works perfectly. Never had a problem with him going to bed.

SD does not have this at home with her mum. She is able to go to bed whenever and there are hardly any rules to go by. Or if there are rules, very different to mine here.

I know every parent is different. I do get that. But I just assumed that whilst we are under this roof, the same rules go for both kids.

Well this doesn't happen. When my SD comes down it feels like we are preparing for royalty to come down! I understand my partner doesn't see her all the time but it's silly all the pandering he does.

When she is here she usually cries the first night as I guess it's the change. That's understandable.

My partner gets into her bed and cuddles her every night until she falls asleep. I have told him perhaps now she's getting older and we have a baby on the way, maybe he and her should have some cuddles before bedtime, and when it's bed to say goodnight. I worry that when baby is here he won't be available if needed (screaming baby etc).

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal.

She can do no wrong and my partner can't say no to her. He stays in the bathroom with her whilst she baths and I tell him she's old enough to do this by herself but he disagrees and says she asks him to stay and chat so he does. He says now we all live together he doesn't have 1-1 time like he used to with her and that she finds that hard. What can I do here? He goes out for the day with her and does separate things and my son and I go out and do that too?

Well I guess tonight I have just had enough. He let her go to bed with the Calm app on. Something he and I do not let my son do as we both said it isn't great to get used to listening or watching something to get to sleep to. My son wakes up, and he comes to see me and asks why she is allowed to do that when he's not? I questioned partner and he said there needs to be some discrepancies when his daughter is down. He said they are two different children so should be treated differently.

I do not agree with this. I also do not think that this is fair. Is it? Or am I being sensitive?

We seem to argue every time that she is down due to parenting. This concerns me for when our baby is here.

I feel like perhaps I'm not fit to be a step parent. And that upsets me because I do love my partner very much. But I guess some people just can't adapt to step parenting?

He told me that she isn't happy here because of the bedtime rules etc and that maybe he should stay at his parents with her as apparently she's more happier there. This breaks my heart because I do so much for her when she's here. I treat her like my own as much as possible. It really upset me when he said that to me tonight.

This just makes me think we can't be together anymore and maybe that him and I should look into co parenting this baby together.

I don't know. I'm just finding it really hard when she is here. Possibly hormones aren't helping. Please be kind, this is all quite new to me and feeling fragile.

Sorry missed that there are 2 and a baby on the way. He needs to spend time with all 3 when they are there.

Jeeze. I liked having routines with my kids, but yours are way over the top. You sound really rigid and controlling, OP. No ten year old should have the same bedtime routine that they had as a baby. You are setting your son up for a life where he can't adapt to anything outside this rigid routine.
As someone else said, put yourself in your partner's shoes. If you only got to see your DC in the main holidays, would you really appreciate a new partner who wouldn't let you comfort your own child, or hug them at bedtime? What if that new partner refused to let you have the routines that you've established over ten years? What if that new partner said that your child shouldn't be treated specially when you see so little of them?

The answer to your son is "You get to live with us all the time. You're the lucky one. SD only gets to see her dad for a few weeks a year, so yes, we have to make sure that she has a nice time when she's here".
And also let him have the Calm app if he wants it.

we have to make sure that she has a nice time when she's here that way lies Disney dadding if you're not careful. She's not a special visitor, she lives there she should have as nice a time as everyone else.

She's not a special visitor, she lives there

She doesn’t. According to the op she comes for the school holidays - except for Christmas and summer which they share with her mother. So it seems that she is there for the Easter holidays and half terms. So not a regular weekly overnight or EOW arrangement.

She lives there in the holidays as his daughter

In a way, you're more fortunate than most SM's. Your SD comes for blocks of time, and then you get six weeks where you can live your life as normal. You've not got two or three days of every week when you have to adapt to the extra person in your home.

I make it that she has 8 weeks with you out of 52, so you can get on with your life, with your DP completely involved with your child and your new baby without distractions, for 44 of them.
So what if he devotes himself to his DD at her bedtime for those eight weeks while you do the baby stuff (though you're only assuming that he will do this)? Loads of DH's and DP's aren't even home from work at baby bedtime. And it's surely not as though he's up there for an hour or two?

I think you need to count your blessings, to be honest. It could be loads worse.

So every couple of months she stays for maybe 10 or 14 days. That is not comparable to regular weekly contact with her father.

@BlueDucky

She lives there in the holidays as his daughter

Yes, but OP seems to want to make the SD actively unhappy by refusing to let her DP parent the girl as he normally would.

That's not Disney Dad-ing. That's enjoying their very limited time together, rather than inflicting OP's very rigid rules onto a girl who has never know that sort of routine. Shes not having a nice time like everyone else if OP tries to control her and DP that way. She's having a stressful time.

Yes that's fine. But the telling the son that as the is only there every so often the focus has to be in making her happy isn't a good message for the son.

I agree with what you are saying @saraclara I just think the message needs to be handled carefully with the son and also care from dad so that the other two children don't feel demoted everytime she is there.

@nimbuscloud

So every couple of months she stays for maybe 10 or 14 days. That is not comparable to regular weekly contact with her father.

I suppose it depends if dad wants her to feel a genuine part of the family or an honoured visitor outsider.

@BlueDucky

I agree with what you are saying *@saraclara* I just think the message needs to be handled carefully with the son and also care from dad so that the other two children don't feel demoted everytime she is there.

I agree. The other children shouldn't be demoted, but where there are differences in parenting styles, I think that the ten year old should be well able to understand that if he was the one having to visit his parent only once every six to eight weeks, he would want his mum to parent him in the way he's used to, and not to have to confirm to a very much stricter step parent's rules. A step parent that he barely really knows, even..

You sound quite controlling. You need to back off a bit.

Just imagine if your son didnt live with you and you only saw him every few months? How would you feel if your partner then tried to control your parenting?

Can’t see the problem in letting your son have the app to go to sleep.

@saraclara that's a good point. I guess it's just finding a way of saying we aren't all treated the same in this family that doesn't come across like dad has a favourite

You and your other half seem to on very different pages about parenting and I cannot for the life of me why either of you thought adding another child to this situation would be good for any of you.

[quote BlueDucky]@saraclara that's a good point. I guess it's just finding a way of saying we aren't all treated the same in this family that doesn't come across like dad has a favourite[/quote]
It seems to me that OP's son should get special privileges when the SD visits. Then her presence will be a positive for him, not a negative. The Calm app is the least that he deserves. And surely a special family day out each time would be a positive for both children.

You say you're new to this so it sounds like the issue is there hasn't been time to properly adjust before moving onto the next step

She used to come down and spend time with Dad and yes, he probably is a Disney Dad. But then suddenly there's a woman she doesn't know very well who has all these rules and another kid who gets to live with her Dad all the time and she's being told Dad's going to have a new baby and they'll live with him all the time too. But all anyone seems to care about is why can't you go to sleep like the other kid even though it always feels so strange for the first few nights and Joe busy Daddy will be once the new baby is here

...suddenly there's a woman she doesn't know very well who has all these rules and another kid who gets to live with her Dad all the time and she's being told Dad's going to have a new baby and they'll live with him all the time too. But all anyone seems to care about is why can't you go to sleep like the other kid

Exactly. Now imagine that it's your DS feeling that way, OP. What would you want from his step-parent?

Thank you all for your comments.

I've really had time to think a lot. Most of you, you are right. I do need to relax. The reason why I'm so rigid is because my son has adhd and aspergers. So it's just my normal if I'm honest! So I do need to be flexible when SD comes. I need to back off.

I have suggested that my partner does her bedtime routine and they go up slightly earlier than my son, so they can have that 1-1 time doing bath, story, cuddle, bed etc.

I have also said though, which some of you have agreed with, that when the baby is here he cannot just drop his responsibilities as a parent to our baby. Everyone (including my son) will need to adapt to this new lifestyle with a baby.

How long are you with your dp?
And how has your own son adjusted to the changes?

@lemonsandlimes89

Thank you all for your comments.

I've really had time to think a lot. Most of you, you are right. I do need to relax. The reason why I'm so rigid is because my son has adhd and aspergers. So it's just my normal if I'm honest! So I do need to be flexible when SD comes. I need to back off.

I have suggested that my partner does her bedtime routine and they go up slightly earlier than my son, so they can have that 1-1 time doing bath, story, cuddle, bed etc.

I have also said though, which some of you have agreed with, that when the baby is here he cannot just drop his responsibilities as a parent to our baby. Everyone (including my son) will need to adapt to this new lifestyle with a baby.

Good for you OP, sounds like the ideal conclusion all around! How did he respond when you mentioned division of time once the baby is born?

It's great when people take things on board and acknowledge that they could do things another way! That's great @lemonsandlimes89. I think your bedtime suggestion is a really good compromise, too.

Some of you were right, we haven't been together long; two years. Children met nearly a year ago now. And living together has been around 6 months so we are all adjusting to this.

Yes; having a baby so soon wasn't ideal. But I fell pregnant on the mini pill last year and had an ectopic; tube removal. I was also told that my remaining tube was clubbed and blocked meaning my fertility was reduced massively. We were planning on ivf later this year or next, but by some miracle I fell naturally.

So yes, in an ideal world the baby situation could have been prolonged a little! But this is life.

He has taken both the kids to his parents this evening which is great as I have work to get on with.

We haven't fully discussed lots of things yet as children have been around and we don't want there to be an bad environment. Kids pick up on these things very easily.

I am hoping that he understand that sometimes, but not always, the baby may change things slightly and that perhaps he needs to let his daughter know that at times things may change at bedtime etc. I don't expect him to drop everything because the baby is crying! But if I'm having a bad evening etc it would be useless to know that he will be there for me too.

Useful* !