Some advice on how to relax when SC is here

[lemonsandlimes89]

Hello. I know I'll get absolutely roasted for this post. But I just need some help really. Or some opinions.

I have a son, who lives with me and my partner full time. He is 10. He doesn't see his biological father.

My partner has a daughter from previous who is 9. She lives a fair distance away; so we have her for all school holidays apart from we share summer and Christmas.

My partner and I are having a baby due later this year.

When my SD comes down, I feel great anxiety. Is this normal? I doubt it.

Everything changes when she is down. I love routine and I am a believer that kids need routine and boundaries too. My son has had the same bedtime routine since he was a baby and it just works perfectly. Never had a problem with him going to bed.

SD does not have this at home with her mum. She is able to go to bed whenever and there are hardly any rules to go by. Or if there are rules, very different to mine here.

I know every parent is different. I do get that. But I just assumed that whilst we are under this roof, the same rules go for both kids.

Well this doesn't happen. When my SD comes down it feels like we are preparing for royalty to come down! I understand my partner doesn't see her all the time but it's silly all the pandering he does.

When she is here she usually cries the first night as I guess it's the change. That's understandable.

My partner gets into her bed and cuddles her every night until she falls asleep. I have told him perhaps now she's getting older and we have a baby on the way, maybe he and her should have some cuddles before bedtime, and when it's bed to say goodnight. I worry that when baby is here he won't be available if needed (screaming baby etc).

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal.

She can do no wrong and my partner can't say no to her. He stays in the bathroom with her whilst she baths and I tell him she's old enough to do this by herself but he disagrees and says she asks him to stay and chat so he does. He says now we all live together he doesn't have 1-1 time like he used to with her and that she finds that hard. What can I do here? He goes out for the day with her and does separate things and my son and I go out and do that too?

Well I guess tonight I have just had enough. He let her go to bed with the Calm app on. Something he and I do not let my son do as we both said it isn't great to get used to listening or watching something to get to sleep to. My son wakes up, and he comes to see me and asks why she is allowed to do that when he's not? I questioned partner and he said there needs to be some discrepancies when his daughter is down. He said they are two different children so should be treated differently.

I do not agree with this. I also do not think that this is fair. Is it? Or am I being sensitive?

We seem to argue every time that she is down due to parenting. This concerns me for when our baby is here.

I feel like perhaps I'm not fit to be a step parent. And that upsets me because I do love my partner very much. But I guess some people just can't adapt to step parenting?

He told me that she isn't happy here because of the bedtime rules etc and that maybe he should stay at his parents with her as apparently she's more happier there. This breaks my heart because I do so much for her when she's here. I treat her like my own as much as possible. It really upset me when he said that to me tonight.

This just makes me think we can't be together anymore and maybe that him and I should look into co parenting this baby together.

I don't know. I'm just finding it really hard when she is here. Possibly hormones aren't helping. Please be kind, this is all quite new to me and feeling fragile.

Ok so you're rigid views are understable because it's what your son needs. But you're going to find out soon that kids are different and need different things. Even with identical twins I don't parent them identically.

So the calm app, Daddy time etc I'd keep in place. Of DS asks, then it's different rules because she only lives there sometimes so she's doing what she'd do at home / she doesn't feel as settled as him.

Yes if baby is hardwork or you're exhausted everyone has to adapt, that's families. This idea that he should ignore baby whenever daughter is around is ridiculous, you're a family not flat mates. He uses you to get 121 time with DD, you use him to get 121 time with DS.

I can see why you need a rigid routine with your DS. I did think it sounded very military like.
Glad to see you're open to feedback as well.

I'm sure your partner will not leave all parenting duties of the baby to you when SD is there , but it's unreasonable to expect him to do exactly what he would do when she's not there.

She has none of his time for most of the year, so it's only natural he'll want to spend as much time with her when he sees her.

A new baby will also be a big change for your DS, so attention should be paid to DS and SD, so neither of them feel pushed out and try and make them feel like special big brother and big sister.

Your DS may actually feel more jealousy with the baby, so do keep an eye on him.

Thank you, yes we have been careful with my ds as he is very sensitive. And his school are amazing and are doing sessions around baby's etc with him too! We are lucky there.

I do need to back off though, so I have taken all of the feedback on board. I guess I'm just ultra paranoid being pregnant and having this new life! It's going to be different for us all.

This heat doesn't help either 😅

I'm sure your partner will not leave all parenting duties of the baby to you when SD is there , but it's unreasonable to expect him to do exactly what he would do when she's not there.

Yep. She's likely to feel far more pushed out than your DS will, because not only does she already have little time with her dad, but what she does have, she'll now need to share with a baby. And we all know how much attention a baby needs.

So I'm sorry OP, you really can't expect him to drop that special close time she has with him at bedtime completely. Not even close. It's only about 16% of your life that she's with you. The rest of the time he's available to you.
Unless things are going absolutely to pot one evening, just get on with it pretend that you have a DP who works away for eight weeks a year and you have to manage baby evenings alone. Except he's only away for an hour or so a day of those eight weeks.

Single parents, partners of business travellers, or late home commuters have to do this all the time. A child's welfare and security is a better reason for a partner to be less involved with baby evenings some of the time, than most.

I wouldn't consider a little girl who's lost her father living in the home "spoiled" or a "princess" by any stretch of the imagination just because she gets a little extra attention on the rare times she does get to see her daddy. I think her father is right to allow her that and not let his jealous wife spoil it.

So I'm sorry OP, you really can't expect him to drop that special close time she has with him at bedtime completely. Not even close. It's only about 16% of your life that she's with you. The rest of the time he's available to you.
Unless things are going absolutely to pot one evening, just get on with it pretend that you have a DP who works away for eight weeks a year and you have to manage baby evenings alone. Except he's only away for an hour or so a day of those eight weeks.

I'd be interested to know how long these bedtimes are, because if they are actually a substantial chunk of time (say an hour) I think this is horrendous advice. If he works he presumably won't only be absent for 1 hour. And when he is home he should be balancing his kids needs, not leaving it to OP to do it all for one of them by default. And ESPECIALLY not when OP is clearly having a hard time. She shouldn't have to pretend he's away for 8 weeks of the year, that's ludicrous. He is there and that is not what she signed up for at all, he needs to be on the ball and prepared to balance everyone's needs. That will in all likelihood mean sometimes judging that his struggling wife and/or screaming baby need tending to more urgently than a 9 year old not going to sleep alone. That is just family life and a prime reason to encourage independence in older children before deciding to have another, which is what he has done.

Of course all this is redundant if it turns out he's only up there for 10 minutes, but I'm assuming a longer length of time.

Hmmmm - So a man with a daughter whom he only sees during holiday time knowingly gets together with a woman who has a child with adhd & aspergers. He knows this child needs routine & steadiness in his day to day life. He then knowingly proceeds with a pregnancy having previously discussed ivf. All this is deliberate, knowing choice on his part.
And yet somehow it is @lemonsandlimes89 who is being taken to task by both him & everyone on MN for not adjusting her life to accommodate his parenting.
He knew op's situation with her son & if he felt that this situation was going to make parenting his dd the way he wants, too difficult for him then he should not have gone down that road.
Once again we have a resident dm & child being told THEY are unreasonable for an nrp progressing with a relationship & pregnancy without fully thinking on how it will impact their parenting of their nr child!!!
I'm sorry the df is out of order here & op should not be feeling bad for feeling how she feels. He should be striving to integrate his dd into the family - not telling everyone else they have to put up with how he wants to do things or else he'll decamp to his parents!
He went into this relationship with eyes wide open so he needs to take responsibility for his part in making the family work, not bail out because it doesn't suit him or his dd.

[quote BlueDucky]@saraclara that's a good point. I guess it's just finding a way of saying we aren't all treated the same in this family that doesn't come across like dad has a favourite[/quote]
The child who gets contact a couple of times a year sure wouldn’t be regarded as a ‘favourite’. As a PP said, nope, she doesn’t live there, there’s no way a few visits per year could be defined as ‘living there’.

No wonder the poor mite is crying and unsettled every night she literally met your ds a less than a year ago and you only been living together for 6 months and now pregnant the relationship is fairly new at 2 years. She's had alot of changes in a short space of time. You need to make allowances for that.

Lemon, was he already leaving miles away from his girl and seeing her holidays only before he met you or did this get precipitated by moving in with you.

Because if it's the latter, it must have been totally heartbreaking for her and whatever changes you and you son had to face would be nothing compared to what she experienced in that you both gained from the arrangement, whilst she just lost attention and time with her dad.

If the arrangement was already in place because her mum moved, than I think there is more flexibility for her to adapt to changes to rules.

but not always, the baby may change things slightly and that perhaps he needs to let his daughter know that at times things may change at bedtime etc
What's the point of discussing this matter that is set in the future at a time when things might be different anyway. He has more immediate important things to discuss with her to help her settle. When baby is there, if she still needs all her attention at bedtime, and it happens to be at the same time that OP needs him to help, that's many 'ifs', then he can talk to her about it then.

No, he has always lived far from her since she was about 6m old. So the distance isn't new. He would have her a lot more if it wasn't for the distance. Out of the year, yes we have her for around 10-13 weeks depending on her mum too.

lemonsandlimes89 you and your son is new your house is new and in a short space of time. She has to deal with another child seeing her df when she gets the crumbs and now another dc who is blood related on the way.

Sorry but a child homesick and fretting at night time and you don't agree with her dad comforting her? That comes across as extremely cold. I understand its a difficult situation but I think the little girl needs some more compassion from you. Your son and your baby aren't more important than she is, she's a child too.

I feel really sad for her she’s just a little girl. It must be hard chopping and changing and living with different people all the time. Your ds is lucky to have more stability. I hope she settles and you can start to think of her as more part of the family.

I don't know if you guys have read my updated posts instead of just bashing me like that? I've agreed that I need to back away etc.... so there's just no need to be nasty?

I think the anxiety you are feeling is not unusual and I think YANBU to expect all children to have the same rules. It's not fair to your son. If your son was getting privileges that SD wasn't then people would say she's being treated unfairly. Children understand the rules being different in different houses and your husband needs to stop pandering to her.

Lots of people on Mumsnet will tell you to back off as if it's none of your business but I don't agree with this. You have other children snd I think you need to agree a way to parent them together as I'm sure it's not a Carrie you having nothing to do with his child. Mumsnet can be a bit unfair to step mothers, OP.

@lemonsandlimes89

I don't know if you guys have read my updated posts instead of just bashing me like that? I've agreed that I need to back away etc.... so there's just no need to be nasty?

Ignore them OP. Your updates are clear and thoughtful.

He knows this child needs routine & steadiness in his day to day life. He then knowingly proceeds with a pregnancy having previously discussed ivf. All this is deliberate, knowing choice on his part.

It takes 2. No need to put it all on him. He actually might not know about the routine and steadiness required, as he isn't a parent of a child with aspergers/ADHD.

He also probably didn't think it would be an issue spending time chatting to his DD and settling her into bed, when he only sees her in the school holidays.

From SDs POV... another kid lives with her dad 100% of the time. At the moment, If he spends most of the time she's there with her.... it's still a lot less than the stepbrother gets.

OP - I do agree, that some ppl are being quite nasty in their responses.
The problem is many people only read the opening post and are responding to that.

Sorry I know this is probably off topic but bathing a 9 year old child is really bloody weird.
At 9 years old (so year 5?) my DD and my SD both had pubic hair and developing bodies. I’d have been horrified if my partner was sat with them whilst they bathed
I’m not insinuating he’s being perverted before people jump on me, but in the absence of additional needs it is very bizarre and a bit inappropriate.
I was extremely close with my parents, from quite a naked family but still I would be nipping that in the bud because children of 9 should be learning body boundaries especially with people of the opposite sex, family or not.

I'm a step parent and can totally empathise with how tricky it is. I guess it's even trickier when you only have her for holidays because it means you can't establish a day to day 'normal' family routine. I think it's perfectly ok and understandable for him to have 1:1 time some of the time, and there's often a little 'split' in our family so that my partner can have some fun time with my DSC who are both older than our baby. I think unfortunately being a step parent can mean a little single parenting at times! As someone else has suggested I would either consider relaxing your sons bedtime during the holidays or just explain she has different needs because she's there less xx

OP you must make the right decisions for yourself and for your Son, as he is unable too.

If your living situation is not working for you, then you change it.

The reasons do no matter. 🌸

I think your partner will always parent his daughter differently to your son and your baby. It’s just the way it will alway be and I don’t think you can change it.

I’m glad your looking to step back and let your parent and SD bond. You sound almost jealous in your earlier post. I don’t think the bath or bedtime thing is not weird just shows they have a close relationship.

He should definitely help you with the newborn but he should be allow time with his daughter -1:1.

Good luck

You sound almost jealous in your earlier post.

this is a very inappropriate comment.

@SandyY2K if I was in a relationship with a parent who had a child with SN I would only move in & move on if I knew I could handle the situation and it's impact on me/my dc.
It would be impossible to date someone & not know their day to day routine was revolving around their dc with SN.
The op has, as per usual with MN, been piled on in a grossly unfair manner with virtually no one pointing out that her partner is equally responsible for family life particularly as how he was perfectly prepared to move on with it.