Some advice on how to relax when SC is here

[lemonsandlimes89]

Hello. I know I'll get absolutely roasted for this post. But I just need some help really. Or some opinions.

I have a son, who lives with me and my partner full time. He is 10. He doesn't see his biological father.

My partner has a daughter from previous who is 9. She lives a fair distance away; so we have her for all school holidays apart from we share summer and Christmas.

My partner and I are having a baby due later this year.

When my SD comes down, I feel great anxiety. Is this normal? I doubt it.

Everything changes when she is down. I love routine and I am a believer that kids need routine and boundaries too. My son has had the same bedtime routine since he was a baby and it just works perfectly. Never had a problem with him going to bed.

SD does not have this at home with her mum. She is able to go to bed whenever and there are hardly any rules to go by. Or if there are rules, very different to mine here.

I know every parent is different. I do get that. But I just assumed that whilst we are under this roof, the same rules go for both kids.

Well this doesn't happen. When my SD comes down it feels like we are preparing for royalty to come down! I understand my partner doesn't see her all the time but it's silly all the pandering he does.

When she is here she usually cries the first night as I guess it's the change. That's understandable.

My partner gets into her bed and cuddles her every night until she falls asleep. I have told him perhaps now she's getting older and we have a baby on the way, maybe he and her should have some cuddles before bedtime, and when it's bed to say goodnight. I worry that when baby is here he won't be available if needed (screaming baby etc).

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal.

She can do no wrong and my partner can't say no to her. He stays in the bathroom with her whilst she baths and I tell him she's old enough to do this by herself but he disagrees and says she asks him to stay and chat so he does. He says now we all live together he doesn't have 1-1 time like he used to with her and that she finds that hard. What can I do here? He goes out for the day with her and does separate things and my son and I go out and do that too?

Well I guess tonight I have just had enough. He let her go to bed with the Calm app on. Something he and I do not let my son do as we both said it isn't great to get used to listening or watching something to get to sleep to. My son wakes up, and he comes to see me and asks why she is allowed to do that when he's not? I questioned partner and he said there needs to be some discrepancies when his daughter is down. He said they are two different children so should be treated differently.

I do not agree with this. I also do not think that this is fair. Is it? Or am I being sensitive?

We seem to argue every time that she is down due to parenting. This concerns me for when our baby is here.

I feel like perhaps I'm not fit to be a step parent. And that upsets me because I do love my partner very much. But I guess some people just can't adapt to step parenting?

He told me that she isn't happy here because of the bedtime rules etc and that maybe he should stay at his parents with her as apparently she's more happier there. This breaks my heart because I do so much for her when she's here. I treat her like my own as much as possible. It really upset me when he said that to me tonight.

This just makes me think we can't be together anymore and maybe that him and I should look into co parenting this baby together.

I don't know. I'm just finding it really hard when she is here. Possibly hormones aren't helping. Please be kind, this is all quite new to me and feeling fragile.

@aSofaNearYou

*I didn't say he should drop looking after the baby but to say he can't be lying with his DSD for a while if the newborn is crying that's ridiculous.

Plenty of couples with joint DCs will split bedtimes with one sorting out one DC and the other looking after the other(s)

A crying baby doesn't need 100% of both parents attention at the same time which OP seems to be suggesting*

Well A, dropping looking after the baby is exactly what he suggested. And B, no the baby doesn't need both of their attention 100% of the time but it should be receiving each of their attention some of the time. OP has raised her child in a manner that makes that possible with a baby. He has not, but he has still chosen to have another baby. Something has to give from his end. In this hypothetical circumstance where OP does all the evenings with baby while he sorts his DD, he is not doing anything of value to the household at large like you have suggested in your comment, he is not also settling OPs DS, he is just selfishly thinking only of what suits him and DSD. It is simply not reasonable to expect OP to be the only one that makes having a baby viable with their existing routine. He cannot do lengthy bath and bedtime supervision for a 9 year old every day for weeks on end, that is not equal parenting.

He barely has his DD so it'll only be on the rare occasions that he does.

Given he helps raise OPs DS full time as if he was his own, and will be around the vast majority of nights for the newborn without the DD being there, I'm struggling to see what is so wrong with dedicating his attention to his DD on the nights he does have her.

Different story if he was regularly having his DD and not free at all to help with the newborn.

Can you honestly say if you only saw your son during holidays you’d refuse to ‘pander’ to him?

You’d expect him to fall into line with the rest of the household and just get on with it even though he’d be upset at the sudden change and being in an alien (to him) environment and in need of comfort and reassurance.

Seriously why did you get pregnant with a man who’s child you find intolerable?
Actually why this man impregnated you when your dislike for his child is so clear.

What your stepdaughter does at her home with her mother is nothing to do with you.

Your partner is quite rightly trying to make the most of his time with his child, and if that includes cuddling her till she falls asleep and making a big deal of the small amount of time he sees her, then he’s right to do so.

God if I only saw my kids during holidays I’d be making a massive deal each time they visited, I’d make them want to stay with me forever and not leave. I think any decent loving parent would.

@lemonsandlimes89

I would ask for this Thread to be removed.

Posters are ignoring your updates and You are simply being abused now.

🌸

*He barely has his DD so it'll only be on the rare occasions that he does.

Given he helps raise OPs DS full time as if he was his own, and will be around the vast majority of nights for the newborn without the DD being there, I'm struggling to see what is so wrong with dedicating his attention to his DD on the nights he does have her.

Different story if he was regularly having his DD and not free at all to help with the newborn.*

He barely has his daughter compared to how much most people have their kids, but he still has her for large blocks of time. This is not a day here and there, it is whole weeks of expecting OP to pick up the slack. What is wrong with him devoting all his time to his DD is that that is not a reasonable thing to do when you have two children. You need to split your time. Partly for the sake of the other parent who you are supposedly entering the situation with on equal footing, and partly because it creates an unhealthy dynamic as that baby grows older and becomes more aware. It is not healthy to always drop them to devote your time to the other child. He entered that situation knowingly.

As I said, having long bedtimes etc is obviously not as far over the line of unacceptability as simply doing all contact elsewhere, which was something he suggested and I think says a lot about how much he expects to be doing with the baby during those times. So I don't think OP is at all unreasonable to be concerned about him pulling his weight since that was something he seriously suggested.

We don't know how much he does for her DS, really. He could do a lot or hardly anything. And yes there needs to be a bit of give and take, a bit of 1:1 time for each of them with their respective older kids, but not every night for him by default, just because she isn't there often. That is not a sustainable way of running things when you choose to have another child.

Yes, I'm afraid that as per usual, people are reading your OP and nothing else before jumping in, @lemonsandlimes89

I'd ignore the thread now. Those of us who have read your posts appreciate that you have listened and changed tack.

Lemon, you've reached here for views and taken what people have said seriously. You've agreed that you need to make some changes in how you perceive the situation and you rules. I think this is brilliant especially as it's still early days and so there is no damage done that is irreversible. Do learn to trust your OH's approach and agree to listen and discuss to each other and make compromises that ensure the needs of the adults and all the children are considered.

It's posts like this that makes forums worthy. I wish you the best for the future.

Skimmed the thread.

1. at 10 my kid did not have control of when they went to bed. Even in holidays there was a form of routine.
2. my DC’s would be thoroughly embarrassed if I was in the bathroom with them at 10. When does he propose it stops? When she gets a period? Starts to grow breasts? Is he aware that his litle girl will not be so little for longer?, is he at least aware of the fact that he will at some point (potentially) need to put in boundaries with her even if she doesn’t want to?

On the bedtime/ Bath time routine I’m with you 100% OP. However what I also think is that if this is what was happening before you were pregnant then I’m sorry but you need to accept it as others have said and as you yourself have recognised.

I was with my exp for years and honestly? I saw his complete lack of routine EOW and just removed myself and any talk of living together. Living with that style of parenting would be super stressful for me consistently and it’s also none of my business how he chooses to parent his children when he sees them. They also come into bed super early on the mornings they’re with him. Not something I am remotely happy about (I’ve done those years) but again, from the children and his perspective it’s what they need. So again, I removed myself.

If you get into these blended situations of living together and a joint baby, then there is an element of compromise required on both sides. There has to be.

Good luck

@sassbott

Skimmed the thread. 1) at 10 my kid did not have control of when they went to bed. Even in holidays there was a form of routine. 2) my DC’s would be thoroughly embarrassed if I was in the bathroom with them at 10. When does he propose it stops? When she gets a period? Starts to grow breasts? Is he aware that his litle girl will not be so little for longer?, is he at least aware of the fact that he will at some point (potentially) need to put in boundaries with her even if she doesn’t want to?

On the bedtime/ Bath time routine I’m with you 100% OP. However what I also think is that if this is what was happening before you were pregnant then I’m sorry but you need to accept it as others have said and as you yourself have recognised.

I was with my exp for years and honestly? I saw his complete lack of routine EOW and just removed myself and any talk of living together. Living with that style of parenting would be super stressful for me consistently and it’s also none of my business how he chooses to parent his children when he sees them. They also come into bed super early on the mornings they’re with him. Not something I am remotely happy about (I’ve done those years) but again, from the children and his perspective it’s what they need. So again, I removed myself.

If you get into these blended situations of living together and a joint baby, then there is an element of compromise required on both sides. There has to be.

Good luck

most balanced response yet 🌸

Poor little girl. I feel bad for her. You sound a bit jealous to be honest. The cuddles and bath will stop soon anyway as she gets older so why would you stop your partner enjoying this precious time?

@PuffItsGone

Poor little girl. I feel bad for her. You sound a bit jealous to be honest. The cuddles and bath will stop soon anyway as she gets older so why would you stop your partner enjoying this precious time?

OP has done no such thing 🙄

What about the notion of compromise in a relationship/family. Why does the onus for change/compromise have to be on any one person.

It's really a matter to discuss before living together. If one parent isn't willing to change parenting that has worked fine for them, they shouldn't have to. Sometimes kids need to understand that different parents, have different rules (or not) for their DC, especially where they see them such a small amount of time.

The idea of living together isn't going to be enticing for the kids that have to give up something and will be immediately associated with the SP, leading to relationship difficulties.

Treating kids from different parents the same will not always be right. A bit like the man who could spend what he wanted on his kids before him and his DP moved in together. Then suddenly, to keep it equal, he can't do that and his kids are the only ones in a disadvantaged position.

Furthermore - op & her dp moving in together & having a baby does affect his dd, it affects both children & as such BOTH children need to be looked after in this - not just his dd.

The baby will have different needs. Even if another baby wasn't on the way, OP still raised concerns in the here and now, which she has accepted feedback on with no issue.

Perhaps in general in these situations (but this thread specifically) each parent should focus more on what their child needs, as they know them best and as their needs differ, without trying to dictate what the other does.

Also - are you suggesting that op didn't bother telling her partner that her child whom he would be living with had adhd & Aspergers

I don't doubt she did, but being told and living the situation aren't the same. A bit like knowing your DP has kids, then later complaining, except the OPs DP hasn't got an issue with the current situation, its a non issue for him.

Weird responses on here.

A few things really

1. Are all the posters giving the OP hate stepmums with life experience of what it's actually like on the other side of the coin or bio mums who are seeing their own children in this role and getting riled up ?

1. It's like the whole discussion re maintaince - my pal got told and ripped apart on here because her ex periodically got thrown £50 when he wasn't blowing it on his habit and told she was lucky that he took the kids once a month and she got that and some people have it so much worse. Which is probably true but these are the same people toting the whole "be kind and my inbox is always open" so when they could be kind they just aren't . Flip above situation I just mentioned around on MM there would be a witch hunt for that mum calling her all sorts of names and sympathy for him.

1. They both have 50% to the children in the house, I personally think it takes a village to raise a child and one doesn't come before the other because that's how bad adults are created. If the house she comes from is unstable there even more reason to put a firm routine in place. Having said that the calm app isn't something the OP should worry about and she's recognised that. Same with the cuddling, whatever she needs to feel settled.

Bed time is the hill I would die on and should be a set standard across the DS and DSD (unless ages are different) because you want the children to have a good sleep hygiene in the OPs house. You can't control what goes down at the mums house, but it's acceptable to say these are the rules re set sleep time in this house. Esp since she stays for a block of time and at high intensity times at that.

1. I think this being about DSD is a red herring this is about DH and how you guys work as a team. Team doesn't mean acting like a single mum. You both created a life together you both don't get to go nope I'm not parenting because I feel guilty. Balance is key here.

1. Spend some one on one time with DSD just you and her. It will help.

1. DH spend some one on one time that's protected just him and her should help too.

When posting on here perspective is everything. It's named mumsnet for a reason and I imagine that a lot of the nastiness is coming from mums that don't get the other side of the coin and only seeing through their lense and a inability to read the updated comments from OP. Some people do like to cling to the evil step mother persona terribly, but it seems even in films it's changing ever so slightly. Blended is a good comedy film if you need a bit of rr.

Step parenting is from what I can see very hard, but both you and DH are accountable for making it work. Not just you.

Children have a pretty good gauge of what's fair. You cannot correct the unfairness of DSD not seeing DH as regularly as he is. That is down to him and the bio mum - step back and away from that pot hole.

But You can make it fair re letting both have calm app and reassurance and kindness to all people who live in the house when and if they need it. That also includes you OP