Some advice on how to relax when SC is here

[lemonsandlimes89]

Hello. I know I'll get absolutely roasted for this post. But I just need some help really. Or some opinions.

I have a son, who lives with me and my partner full time. He is 10. He doesn't see his biological father.

My partner has a daughter from previous who is 9. She lives a fair distance away; so we have her for all school holidays apart from we share summer and Christmas.

My partner and I are having a baby due later this year.

When my SD comes down, I feel great anxiety. Is this normal? I doubt it.

Everything changes when she is down. I love routine and I am a believer that kids need routine and boundaries too. My son has had the same bedtime routine since he was a baby and it just works perfectly. Never had a problem with him going to bed.

SD does not have this at home with her mum. She is able to go to bed whenever and there are hardly any rules to go by. Or if there are rules, very different to mine here.

I know every parent is different. I do get that. But I just assumed that whilst we are under this roof, the same rules go for both kids.

Well this doesn't happen. When my SD comes down it feels like we are preparing for royalty to come down! I understand my partner doesn't see her all the time but it's silly all the pandering he does.

When she is here she usually cries the first night as I guess it's the change. That's understandable.

My partner gets into her bed and cuddles her every night until she falls asleep. I have told him perhaps now she's getting older and we have a baby on the way, maybe he and her should have some cuddles before bedtime, and when it's bed to say goodnight. I worry that when baby is here he won't be available if needed (screaming baby etc).

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal.

She can do no wrong and my partner can't say no to her. He stays in the bathroom with her whilst she baths and I tell him she's old enough to do this by herself but he disagrees and says she asks him to stay and chat so he does. He says now we all live together he doesn't have 1-1 time like he used to with her and that she finds that hard. What can I do here? He goes out for the day with her and does separate things and my son and I go out and do that too?

Well I guess tonight I have just had enough. He let her go to bed with the Calm app on. Something he and I do not let my son do as we both said it isn't great to get used to listening or watching something to get to sleep to. My son wakes up, and he comes to see me and asks why she is allowed to do that when he's not? I questioned partner and he said there needs to be some discrepancies when his daughter is down. He said they are two different children so should be treated differently.

I do not agree with this. I also do not think that this is fair. Is it? Or am I being sensitive?

We seem to argue every time that she is down due to parenting. This concerns me for when our baby is here.

I feel like perhaps I'm not fit to be a step parent. And that upsets me because I do love my partner very much. But I guess some people just can't adapt to step parenting?

He told me that she isn't happy here because of the bedtime rules etc and that maybe he should stay at his parents with her as apparently she's more happier there. This breaks my heart because I do so much for her when she's here. I treat her like my own as much as possible. It really upset me when he said that to me tonight.

This just makes me think we can't be together anymore and maybe that him and I should look into co parenting this baby together.

I don't know. I'm just finding it really hard when she is here. Possibly hormones aren't helping. Please be kind, this is all quite new to me and feeling fragile.

Oh that's really sad crying in bed please let your partner comfort her. Imagine if it was your son.
How many times has she visited your house?

Honestly in your shoes I’d just relax. Let her have her dad. If she needs him, she needs him.

I listen to something to go to sleep every night. Why is it a "bad habit"?

You sound like a massive control freak. Pick your battles FFS. If she wants to listen to something going to sleep and wants a cuddle from her dad then why is that actually a problem for you?

I think you need to pick your battles. What's really important?

If she needs an app to get to sleep (especially if she uses one at her main residence), there is no harm in letting her have it. Just tell your DS he is lucky to be able to get to sleep by himself and not need one.

If she wants her Dad to chat to her in the bath, some 1-1 time, then why not? it isn't about supervision, it is bonding time. At some point soon she won't want it.

The cuddles at bedtime, if they take a long time, may well need to change when the baby comes. But in a way that could happen naturally if your DP is willing with 'I just need to see to the baby, then I'll check on you' etc.

It is good for both of you to have 1-1 time with your own children. Again when the baby comes along that will be hard and you'll need a mix and match approach to enable this.

I feel you need to let go on 'same rules for everyone' when you have a blended family on things like bedtime routine, especially if she is actually in bed by a sensible time. You need to do what works.

Sounds like your sd finds it difficult to adjust to staying in your house, and sleeping properly there, and your dh is doing what he can to help her. He sounds lovely, and I'm sure will be just as lovely to your new child.

This is yet another thread that really shows how difficult it is to blend families, and I really feel that when it doesn't work, it's the children who suffer .

Also, remember that your son is on his 'home turf' and has his RP mum there. SD is away from home, and with the parent to whom she has a secondary connection (ultimately, kids want their mums nine times out of ten). She doesn't know how things are done; where things are kept. You're presenting her as the pandered-to princess, and maybe she is, but I wonder if your child is lording it over her a bit?

OP, I was wondering, have you spent any 1-1 time with your SD doing anything special? I wonder whether if you could find something 'just for you' that you could look forward to (or tolerate) it might help you see her more as a real person rather than a disturbance.

I have a DS 8 and DSD 6, they have quite different routines, my DSD has only recently stopped co sleeping with her mum and also goes to bed late whereas mine is asleep by 8 without fail.

He has questioned why she is allowed to do things he isn't and I've simply said it's different at her mum's house and she need time to get used to change. When she has woken him after 9pm getting out of bed for the thousandth time he has actually told her off and asked what she's doing and that she should get back to bed. It's night time after all,

I think it's ok and your son is old enough to understand the concept of two homes and different things, I usually just say she isn't ready or isn't used to this yet and that eventually it will be ok. So we are ok to make some allowances for her as long as it isn't all unfair (let's face it fairness is high in the agenda at this age )

Try to relax a bit, I understand your anxiety, there are lots of unknowns coming with the new baby. And I'm a highly routine person, I've been primary parent throughout my marriage divorce and as a single parent so it's hard to let go.

Totally disagree with the tone of the comments, but no surprise there! I agree with you that things that are not a huge issue now are not sustainable with a newborn baby, and it doesn't sound like your DP is prepared to make compromises on things that relate to his daughter. It is sensible to consider whether staying with a 9 year old who by rights should be capable of self settling until they fall asleep is sustainable when you are jointly responsible for a newborn baby that will not be.

I would talk to him from that angle. None of these things are a big problem now, but how does he foresee them working when the baby is born? Is he expecting to leave all baby related duties to you? He needs to think about it, and consider starting to prepare his DD for some of the necessary changes now so he doesn't have to do it once the baby is born, which would be worse for everyone. I don't think it bodes well that he is suggesting doing contact time at his parents just to avoid having to compromise on this, it's incredibly cheeky to expect to be able to take this regular time away from his newborn baby over which minor issues. I get the sense he is expecting the heavy lifting to be your job with this next child.

Things like the Calm app you should let go in honesty, though why on Earth is it loud enough to wake your DS? That needs to change, for sure.

@aSofaNearYou, did you miss that the DSD seems to only be visiting once every 6 weeks or so? I think with the infrequency, it is an unrealistic expectation that OP's DH will be able to do as much with the baby when his DD is there, he will always need to help her settle in.

Presumably, the DH does a certain amount with OP's DS and is likely to do more with him when the baby comes along. I think OP needs to accept that DSD will need to be DH's first priority whenever she is there. OP also needs to take the lead from DH where his daughter is concerned.

[quote Velvian]@aSofaNearYou, did you miss that the DSD seems to only be visiting once every 6 weeks or so? I think with the infrequency, it is an unrealistic expectation that OP's DH will be able to do as much with the baby when his DD is there, he will always need to help her settle in.

Presumably, the DH does a certain amount with OP's DS and is likely to do more with him when the baby comes along. I think OP needs to accept that DSD will need to be DH's first priority whenever she is there. OP also needs to take the lead from DH where his daughter is concerned.[/quote]
But she comes for blocks of time when she is there, right? Not just a day at a time. That's how I read the OP.

I disagree with this, tbh. I don't think it is reasonable to absolve yourself of responsibility to a newborn baby because your other child is there unless their visit is very, very brief. He should be anticipating doing half of the work with the baby and therefore making steps now to ensure that is possible. There may be times when the older child simply will not adapt to certain changes and that is unavoidable, but I would expect him, the adult, to be showing willing and trying. Suggestions of just doing all that contact time elsewhere and refusing to make any attempts to adjust parenting techniques that should not be necessary for a child that age, like long prolonged bedtimes, would not go down well with me. As I said before, sounds very much like expecting OP to be the default parent for the baby.

I agree that I am suggesting OP will probably need to be the default parent for the baby when SD is visiting. That does not mean that the DH will be doing nothing.

If we guess that DSD is staying 9 weeks of the year, that is 43 weeks that DH will be helping to care for OP's DS and supporting her in her parenting decisions. A bit of give and take is required.

@Velvian

I agree that I am suggesting OP will probably need to be the default parent for the baby when SD is visiting. That does not mean that the DH will be doing nothing.

If we guess that DSD is staying 9 weeks of the year, that is 43 weeks that DH will be helping to care for OP's DS and supporting her in her parenting decisions. A bit of give and take is required.

If he did contact time at his parents house then he would be doing nothing, though, which was his suggestion. He should consider adjusting what he does with DD as a much more acceptable option than just not being there to do any of the work for his other child when he has her. He should be going into this pregnancy fully expecting and willing to do half of the work. It is not unthinkable to teach a 9 year old to self settle at night. His response is very telling and worrying.

... But it seems like it is OP's attitude to his DD that is pushing him to his parents. If a child is unable to self settle (outside of their home environment), you help them, not just state that should be able to settle.

It is such a few short years until both DCs are teens and contact may stop altogether at that point, the way things are going. It honestly is such a short time that you don't get back.

@Velvian

... But it seems like it is OP's attitude to his DD that is pushing him to his parents. If a child is unable to self settle (outside of their home environment), you help them, not just state that should be able to settle.

It is such a few short years until both DCs are teens and contact may stop altogether at that point, the way things are going. It honestly is such a short time that you don't get back.

I think we will have to agree to disagree. Unless he was talking very short term, ie only up until the baby is born, I do not think it is remotely reasonable to feel "pushed" to his parents because of the level of compromise suggested by OP. He has a responsibility to her and the baby to be there. OPs suggestions, if they are as they are in this post, are not extreme and should have been considered well before him sodding off to his parents.

If he is only suggesting this plan up until the baby is born then fair enough, that's his call, but it's obviously a very short sighted and potentially counterproductive plan.

Wasn't the Calm app a compromise already? He usually stays with her until she falls asleep. OP seems to be complaining about this too.

The DC have very different needs and different parents, they will be treated differently.

you don't sound like you want her to be there at all tbh. she is his child. it is reasonable that he will want to pay more attention to her when he doesn't get to see her that often. your baby will live with him the entire time. she'll only be little for a little while longer so if he wants to cuddle her and chat to her in the bath whilst she is still little, he should be able to.

@Velvian

Wasn't the Calm app a compromise already? He usually stays with her until she falls asleep. OP seems to be complaining about this too.

The DC have very different needs and different parents, they will be treated differently.

Yes, and I think that is a good compromise, though it shouldn't be loud enough to wake others up. I think OP needs to loosen up about things like this that don't impact her DPs ability to reasonably coparent when their baby is born, but regardless, he should not have thought doing contact elsewhere was an option and it does rather back up OPs judgment that he is not willing to compromise in ways that are necessary to accommodate the second child he presumably chose to have.

How dreadful that your boyfriend only sees his child a couple of times a year. Why does he not want her? Distance means nothing to a parent who wants to actually be a parent. Imagine how the child feels- her father is living with his girlfriend, her son, and has made another kid. She must feel utterly rejected.

When it's your child sobbing for her dad in a strange house in a few years' time, I assume you'll be totally supportive of his next girlfriend demanding he ignores her?

If her dad takes the time off work when she's there then I can't see a problem really, she is being parented with continuity. If on the other hand op is the parent during the day where her ds and dsd are treated the same by her but when dad gets in from work it's completely different for both children I can see that it might be a problem. It must also be hard if op is cooking, clearing up and doing laundry for dsd but can't have any say in how she is treated when it obviously upsets her ds. I would relax the rules during dsd's time I think but a discussion is needed about when the baby arrives, How does dsd feel about him or her? I would be prepared for her feeling sidelined.

What's the background? How long have you been together and why is she living so far away?

If you've been together 5+ years then it is fair to expect that you would have made a move to a more homogenous home environment with common rules. If you've only been together a couple of year, it is less acceptable to expect it.

Similarly with the circumstances before you got together. If she was seeing her dad eow, or more, at his house which she considered home too, and suddenly he moved far away, to your house, then it's very comprehensible that she would feel very apprehensive. She will see that it's not even her dad's home, let alone hers, which would be very unsettling.

You do come across as seeing it all from your own benefits. It seems very dramatic to expect him to stop comforting her when she goes to sleep just in case he might be urgently needed during this short period of time when baby is born. So many maybes, yet what is not a maybe but the reality currently is that his girl needs him right now in the evenings.

I feel sorry for your OH. He loves both of you and that means wanting both of you to be happy, but your demands mean him facing seeing his girl being unhappy, it's tough.

Also, in terms of the welcoming, I find this very odd. If my OH or kids are away for 6 weeks, they certainly would get a massive welcome and fuss made over them because I would have missed them and I assume they missed me. It's quite normal attitude, so why is it so wrong when it's a SC?

Let me start off by saying other than the OP's post I have not read much of this thread. That said, the OP says that her son has had the same bed time for hos entire life. Assuming that her husband was not there for the beginning stages of her son's life , it is fair to say that her husband had so say in those beginning stage decisions and that he has acquiesced to he rules and decisions. That is not necessarily agreement, it just may be indifference or no reason to question how the OP parents her child. The OP on the other hand is not willing to allow his daughter to follow the bed time protocol that seemingly has been hers for her entire life.

Perhaps, OP and her husband need to reach parenting agreements that involve input from both of them. They do not appear to be anywhere near the same page.

What would you hope for your new spouse to do? Wouldn't you think they were so great if they could just let you have it? Just fade out a bit and let you do things your way with your little boy, with a smile?

Does this same "fade away" advice apply when their joint child is born, are they supposed to fade away too? I can't believe how many people genuinely think it is right that he not have to change how he parents in the slightest to make room for the fact that he has two children going forward. All of the things he does with his DD are fine but quite likely too time consuming to stick to rigidly when he has another child's needs to balance. When you choose to have another child you need to prepare your older child for not having 100% of your attention. Adaptions are inevitable and necessary, not controlling and to be avoided at all costs.

It honestly seems incredibly sexist to say "you'll have to accept him not helping with the baby when she's there". He's not helping, first of all, he's jointly responsible, and he needs to prioritise juggling his responsibilities like all parents. He needs to continue what he can continue with his daughter, and be realistic about what he needs to change up. He absolutely does NOT need to throw his teddy out of the cot and talk about doing contact at his parents while OP is at home with their baby.

I think you have to accept that he’s probably not going to be able to help out with the new baby- not when his daughter is there anyway.

Is that what people with two children do? Ignore one when the other turns up? He has to parent both his children when they are there otherwise the baby is going to feel second best.