Some advice on how to relax when SC is here

[lemonsandlimes89]

Hello. I know I'll get absolutely roasted for this post. But I just need some help really. Or some opinions.

I have a son, who lives with me and my partner full time. He is 10. He doesn't see his biological father.

My partner has a daughter from previous who is 9. She lives a fair distance away; so we have her for all school holidays apart from we share summer and Christmas.

My partner and I are having a baby due later this year.

When my SD comes down, I feel great anxiety. Is this normal? I doubt it.

Everything changes when she is down. I love routine and I am a believer that kids need routine and boundaries too. My son has had the same bedtime routine since he was a baby and it just works perfectly. Never had a problem with him going to bed.

SD does not have this at home with her mum. She is able to go to bed whenever and there are hardly any rules to go by. Or if there are rules, very different to mine here.

I know every parent is different. I do get that. But I just assumed that whilst we are under this roof, the same rules go for both kids.

Well this doesn't happen. When my SD comes down it feels like we are preparing for royalty to come down! I understand my partner doesn't see her all the time but it's silly all the pandering he does.

When she is here she usually cries the first night as I guess it's the change. That's understandable.

My partner gets into her bed and cuddles her every night until she falls asleep. I have told him perhaps now she's getting older and we have a baby on the way, maybe he and her should have some cuddles before bedtime, and when it's bed to say goodnight. I worry that when baby is here he won't be available if needed (screaming baby etc).

I also worry that when SD is down, our baby will be sidelined and all attention will go to SD. As that's what it feels like now. The pandering and putting her on a pedestal.

She can do no wrong and my partner can't say no to her. He stays in the bathroom with her whilst she baths and I tell him she's old enough to do this by herself but he disagrees and says she asks him to stay and chat so he does. He says now we all live together he doesn't have 1-1 time like he used to with her and that she finds that hard. What can I do here? He goes out for the day with her and does separate things and my son and I go out and do that too?

Well I guess tonight I have just had enough. He let her go to bed with the Calm app on. Something he and I do not let my son do as we both said it isn't great to get used to listening or watching something to get to sleep to. My son wakes up, and he comes to see me and asks why she is allowed to do that when he's not? I questioned partner and he said there needs to be some discrepancies when his daughter is down. He said they are two different children so should be treated differently.

I do not agree with this. I also do not think that this is fair. Is it? Or am I being sensitive?

We seem to argue every time that she is down due to parenting. This concerns me for when our baby is here.

I feel like perhaps I'm not fit to be a step parent. And that upsets me because I do love my partner very much. But I guess some people just can't adapt to step parenting?

He told me that she isn't happy here because of the bedtime rules etc and that maybe he should stay at his parents with her as apparently she's more happier there. This breaks my heart because I do so much for her when she's here. I treat her like my own as much as possible. It really upset me when he said that to me tonight.

This just makes me think we can't be together anymore and maybe that him and I should look into co parenting this baby together.

I don't know. I'm just finding it really hard when she is here. Possibly hormones aren't helping. Please be kind, this is all quite new to me and feeling fragile.

if I was in a relationship with a parent who had a child with SN I would only move in & move on if I knew I could handle the situation and it's impact on me/my dc.

It has no impact on his DD though. It's the OPs child who it affects, so one could argue that it's not his issue to worry about.

It would be impossible to date someone & not know their day to day routine was revolving around their dc with SN.

He might just see the regimental routines as a different way of parenting and not think it would impact on his child, who is hardly there.

Some kids don't have SN, but their parents have strict routines. I remember when my kids were little, (baby and toddler stage) some mum friends had set times at X o'clock..feed at x o'clock..snack at X o'clock, bed at x clock. I found it too rigid. We could be out and they'd say...I need to leave soon, as it's Lucy's nap time soon. I was never like that.
Sleep when you're tired.. eat when you're hungry was my way. I just went with the flow, being more laid back.

I wouldn't assume that my partner having a routine for their child, means I have to change the routine for my child, especially if it's only in the school holidays.

It's like the posts where one set of kids have lots more screen/gaming time and they're considering living together. I think the onus is on the parent whose kids are going to have an issue to think about it....because it's not a problem for the kids who are allowed to game for hours on end. It's the ones who aren't, that will find the situation unfair and one parent doesn't have the right to force the gamers to change their ways.

I honestly don't think the OPs partner has done anything wrong here in relation to his parenting. The new baby on the way does seem too quick into the relationship, but that's not because of the OPs child's needs...it's just rushed for both kids in general IMO.

IAs a person who’s sleeping arrangements were frequently changing as a child, I feel loneliness just reading about the little girl. Going to sleep in a house that isn’t a usual location, for a child, where they feel more like a visitor who doesn’t belong in the flow of things, can be sad and, again, very lonely. Especially when you sense that it’s not “lonely” for the other inhabitants. I also remember (maybe not at 9 but definitely at 7 or 8) that taking a bath in such a house (in a strange bathroom, with the door shutting me off from the other people) felt lonely and a little frightening even at times. I can understand why she’d want to cuddle her parent while going to sleep and even want her dad’s company for conversation whilst she’s in the bath. These requests seem reasonable to me given that her time with her dad must by necessity be more “concentrated” than if she saw him every day. Same for the calm app. As a child I listened to a specific radio station going to sleep at night, on the evenings I was away from my grandmother and missing her and her house. It helped me feel safe and connected. Maybe the calm app does this for the DSD.
My own daughter (almost 11) often saves important or sensitive topics to discuss with me if I lie in bed with her to talk for a while. I would be very upset if someone tried to take those special, calm one-to-one times away!

You sound awful &@lemonsandlimes89
The poor girl barely sees her dad and you are trying your best to ruin their time together. Just stop, the fact your son sees her dad every day so cut her some slack!!!

@SakuraEdenSwan1

You sound awful &*@lemonsandlimes89* The poor girl barely sees her dad and you are trying your best to ruin their time together. Just stop, the fact your son sees her dad every day so cut her some slack!!!

This is a very unfair response.

OP's merely expressing her frustrations on here and asking if she is being unreasonable. She has also conceded that she is being unreasonable and will step back, and focus on her Son and unborn child.

At no point has any of OP frustrations affected her Partners daughters visits. She has been very open about this.

So not sure why you are so angry.

OP You need to understand and learn that your partners daughter is also important, just as much as your son has his needs, you have yours, well so does she. It must be quite unnerving coming to her dads house abd there being two relative strangers there also, it's a lot to come to terms with in her short life, completely out of her control and possibly her comfort zone. You say your son has sievisl needs so I'm assuming you thing her needs are bottom of the list, abd it sounds like they are too from your words.
She probably feels threatened by the new baby too - her daddy, always just been her for her whole life, now you're wanting to say that if you need him because the baby is in need then she comes last place, again, he has to drop his child snd come running to your back snd call?! That's so unfair on her!
Understand and adapt yourself too, it all seems to be about you, your wants and your ideas about what's right, but there will soon be 5 lives, not just you moving dolls around, they have needs and feelings too. Don't forget also, you walked into her life and nestled yourself in and are now expecting her to adapt, wrong! You need to adapt too.

You need to step up as a step parent, you walked into this situation, so own it and be a decent person here, and also accept others want more for themselves than perhaps you want them to have, but uou aren't in charge of their ultimate needs and feelings - you need to relax and let others do their thing too amd make the new baby fit in, don't expect her to fit for you, your son snd your baby - you need to grow up quickly and step up to a situation you've created but can't adapt to yourself

I was a step mum, and my step kids drove me around the bend - also their father with his different parenting.

However I think from your post that you are expecting way too much and interfering too much. She is the outsider and it is harder for her. 9 is quite old to be crying the first night which means she’s not having an easy time, genuinely. I think you need to totally separate:

• vital shared rules - such as being reasonably cordial, safety, no violence which are your business.
• calm app, whether your DP stays with her at bedtime or baths - not your business at all. That is her routine with her father and does not affect you in any way. Your son is old enough to know that you have different rules.

Personally I think all of the holidays isn’t great as she never gets time with her mum not at school, and these are long days with lots of time to fill away from her friends. I think she should have more time with her father at school and less holidays. But that’s just a preference. Be good to ask the girl what she wants.

Honestly OP, nothing you describe sounds bad.

It's a bit of a common theme on here that the SM is generally a perfect parent with lots of rules and oh so well behaved kids and the SC invariably come from homes where the "bio mum" has apparently dragged them up and let them run wild with no routine. Your DH sounds like a good dad though.

I note also that you talk about "house rules"? I take it you really mean "my rules" and your DH just went along with it for an easy life or because it was your DS and it wasn't really his call.

You need to find a way to make your peace with all this before you drive a hole in your relationship and then your own DC will be the one to be shunted off at weekends/holidays to a part time Dad and a SM who barely tolerates him/her.

if I was in a relationship with a parent who had a child with SN I would only move in & move on if I knew I could handle the situation and it's impact on me/my dc.

This reads as a ‘he knew what he was getting into’...

OP it’s great you’ve taken it all on board. Things have moved so quickly it sounds as if the adults are unsettled.

Which means the children are probably even more unsettled as they don’t have the same choices and understanding that the adults do.

Your son will also be on school holidays when DSD comes? Maybe sell the changes as a holiday thing so no one is put out.

@SandyY2K

I think the onus is on the parent whose kids are going to have an issue to think about it....because it's not a problem for the kids who are allowed to game for hours on end. It's the ones who aren't, that will find the situation unfair and one parent doesn't have the right to force the gamers to change their ways.
What about the notion of compromise in a relationship/family. Why does the onus for change/compromise have to be on any one person.
Furthermore - op & her dp moving in together & having a baby does affect his dd, it affects both children & as such BOTH children need to be looked after in this - not just his dd.
Also - are you suggesting that op didn't bother telling her partner that her child whom he would be living with had adhd & Aspergers?
@PurpleBiro21 - in this instance he would have known that he was joining with a household where there was SN (unless op's ds was diagnosed after dp moved in). To that end he would have been aware there was SN involved & any parent worth their salt would have taken that fact on board.
The same goes for the op - she too should have anticipated her ds's need for routine being disrupted by the pattern of dsd's access assuming that pattern was in place when she met dp (which I believe it was).
I do not understand why she is getting all the flak and some unnecessarily nasty comments when there are two parents involved here & two children with very specific needs.
Typical MN sm bashing.

As it is commonly the case here, the issue is simply that you and your partner have rushed into things when the situation was already complex on a number of matters.

Your DS doesn't see his dad. It sounds like you were keen to provide a father figure to him
Your son has additional needs which require more attention and consideration
You move in very quickly with your partner after little opportunity to meet his daughter
It's not clear whether you moved into his place, he moved into yours or you both moved somewhere different, but clearly this would have been an big adjustment for both kids
You never got to really know how your partner parent and discipline
You have very rigid views on what is right and what is wrong
You have a lot of time to have the perfect family life with your partner and your son making it even more of a contrast when his daughter is there and probably feels even more of an intrusion than if she came regularly
You are now pregnant

That is so much is so little time, of course you are all struggling to adjust to the situation. Both you and your OH need to accept full responsibility for this and your approach to it shouldn't be to expect the kids to adjust to your convenience but both of you to accept that the choices you've made for yourself, because it made you/your OH happy is is no way the choices that makes this girl happy, so she deserves time, respect, patience, understanding and flexibility to adapt to the new situation at a speed that suits her, not you.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

You sound awful &*@lemonsandlimes89* The poor girl barely sees her dad and you are trying your best to ruin their time together. Just stop, the fact your son sees her dad every day so cut her some slack!!!

Why do people keep commenting as if OPs DS is really lucky to live with them both? Her partner is not his dad, he does not see his dad. He won't consider himself lucky to live with him, if anything he's less well off than DSD is in that regard.

It's the OPs child who it affects, so one could argue that it's not his issue to worry about

I think people are focusing too much on the DS here, when the real issue is the baby. Before the baby was on the cards, he was free to do things totally his way, but soon his routine WILL be affecting his own child - his second child. That he knowingly decided to conceive. So now he does have to consider it.

Honestly, all these comments about step parenting meaning basically been a single parent when a baby comes along, it's nothing but sexist nonsense. They are both parents with one child each, and a baby on the way. They should both be expecting to do roughly half the work with the baby, and adjusting the rest of their responsibilities, including their routine with their older kids to fit. She is not more responsible for doing that than he is. Why on Earth do people think she is??

I could sort of understand if he was just pushing for certain chunks of 1:1 time alongside his indisputable duty to devote equitable time to the baby. But suggesting he'll just go to his parents the whole time has absolutely appalled me. It speaks volumes about his attitude towards how much he should expect to have to do with the baby when his DD is around. Depressingly this mirrors the sexist attitudes of half the people on this thread, so I he'll get nothing but validation for it.

I feel so sorry for your DSD.
I don't see any major issues in anything she or your DP is doing. So what if they cuddle at night when she's going to sleep, she rarely sees him and their time together is precious.

Sound alike he's more involved in your DS' life even though he's not the biological dad, than he is with his own daughter - yet you still resent him spending time with her?? That's how your post reads anyway.

I think you're being completely unreasonable. Just because you & DS live a completely regimented live driven by routine doesn't mean it should be forced on this poor girl. Especially when she doesn't live like that the vast majority of the year. The fact her dad sees her so little will make the transition even harder so o would expect him to try and keep things as close to 'her normal' for her as possible to limit the impact of the transition between the 2 houses.

Some of your examples are a bit worrying. You're worried a newborn baby will be crying and NEED 100% of both yours and your DPs attention on the rare occasions the DSD is there?! Surely you can cope a few nights on your own. No different to single mums or woman who have DPs that work shifts 🤯

@SofaNearYou

They should both be expecting to do roughly half the work with the baby, and adjusting the rest of their responsibilities, including their routine with their older kids to fit completely agree with this. Obviously it will depend on work and maternity leave etc but I don't see why his other child means he leaves the OP to look after the baby by herself.

Some of your examples are a bit worrying. You're worried a newborn baby will be crying and NEED 100% of both yours and your DPs attention on the rare occasions the DSD is there?! Surely you can cope a few nights on your own. No different to single mums or woman who have DPs that work shifts 🤯

Surely he can cope on his own if OP also decides to fuck off for 8 weeks of the year rather than find a way of having two kids at the same time like other parents do 🤷‍♀️

No different to single mums or woman who have DPs that work shifts

She's not a single mum though and if her partner is there he should be getting involved. He won't be able to do as much but he shouldn't just drop looking after the baby. Baby will grow up to realise daddy doesn't care when Stepchild is around.

Look these comments are really getting out of hand and some are just really nasty.

If you bothered to read the whole thread, I've held my hands up. I've admitted I've been too controlling. I've spoken to my DP and I'm going be to relax a lot more.

So back off with your snidey comments, they are really not necessary.

And for whoever said I was desperate for my son to have a dad?? I was a single mum up until I met my partner. So I wasn't that desperate.....

I don’t think anyone is meaning to be nasty (myself included) but I do feel like a lot of people feel sorry for your step daughter. I hope things settle down for all of you, that she feels prt of the family and congratulations on the new baby.

@BlueDucky

No different to single mums or woman who have DPs that work shifts

She's not a single mum though and if her partner is there he should be getting involved. He won't be able to do as much but he shouldn't just drop looking after the baby. Baby will grow up to realise daddy doesn't care when Stepchild is around.

I didn't say he should drop looking after the baby but to say he can't be lying with his DSD for a while if the newborn is crying that's ridiculous.

Plenty of couples with joint DCs will split bedtimes with one sorting out one DC and the other looking after the other(s)

A crying baby doesn't need 100% of both parents attention at the same time which OP seems to be suggesting

@Iloveyou3x

I don’t think anyone is meaning to be nasty (myself included) but I do feel like a lot of people feel sorry for your step daughter. I hope things settle down for all of you, that she feels prt of the family and congratulations on the new baby.

I think it's getting some people's back up given the attitude towards the DSD.

Personally I'm reading this wondering if this is how my exHs DP feels about my DD as they are in a similar position and I'd hate some woman forcing her own rigid routine on her and telling her dad he should only be focussing on the. We baby. Particularly if they already don't have much time together as it is

A crying baby doesn't need 100% of both parents attention at the same time which OP seems to be suggesting no but it might mean OP needs a break from the crying and he will have to take over. The baby won't know it is DSDs bedtime.

I think you need to relax a bit.

I understand about the 'royalty' treatment from my own relationship, but saying that you're worried he won't be there if the baby is screaming is totally unreasonable. She's with you what, 10 weeks a year, is that really going to be an issue? Give her a break.

The sleeping in the bed and being in the bathroom with her will all come to a natural end soon enough as she is growing up and won't want that.

You have your son full-time, it is a very different relationship and you have to let him do things his way or your relationship won't last.

And let your son have the Calm app.

*I didn't say he should drop looking after the baby but to say he can't be lying with his DSD for a while if the newborn is crying that's ridiculous.

Plenty of couples with joint DCs will split bedtimes with one sorting out one DC and the other looking after the other(s)

A crying baby doesn't need 100% of both parents attention at the same time which OP seems to be suggesting*

Well A, dropping looking after the baby is exactly what he suggested. And B, no the baby doesn't need both of their attention 100% of the time but it should be receiving each of their attention some of the time. OP has raised her child in a manner that makes that possible with a baby. He has not, but he has still chosen to have another baby. Something has to give from his end. In this hypothetical circumstance where OP does all the evenings with baby while he sorts his DD, he is not doing anything of value to the household at large like you have suggested in your comment, he is not also settling OPs DS, he is just selfishly thinking only of what suits him and DSD. It is simply not reasonable to expect OP to be the only one that makes having a baby viable with their existing routine. He cannot do lengthy bath and bedtime supervision for a 9 year old every day for weeks on end, that is not equal parenting.

OP maybe look at this from the perspective of your DSD. What might she need at this period of big change for her?
You are quite practically focussed on how your partner will be able to pull his weight with the new baby, which is fully understandable. But as you note he is very engaged in his daughter’s routine. Making major changes that reduce his focussed time with her right now might unsettle your DSD.
I’m totally with you that the bath and bed routine is quite intensive for a 9 year old though!