Losing patience with BM

[Losingit259]

I've been in a relationship with my OH for 4 years now, we've lived together for 3 and I've been involved with my SS 12 from early on. We have a great relationship, however I have major issues with his mum.

My OH and BM were together for approx 15 years, never married, and they split up amicably when SS was 6. He has been paying approx £350 per month maintenance to BM since then, despite having his son around 50% of the time.

Our current schedule is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and every other weekend. When it is BM's weekend, we drop him off at around midday on the saturday. So on average he is with us 3-4 nights per week.

My OH does every school pick up and drop off as BM doesn't drive and she has moved further away from SS's school. My OH pays for all his school meals, buys his uniform, pays for all birthday parties, phone contract, playstation memberships, buys new laptops etc. BM buys his everyday clothes, although we also buy clothes to keep at our house. We also have to make sure SS has eaten before he goes back to his mums as she never has any food in the house.

BM lives with her partner, she works a maximum two days a week in the same job she has complained about for the last 15+ years, yet she doesn't do anything about it. She relies on my OH for everything, and says without his money she couldn't afford her bills etc. She relies on my OH for things she should be relying on her own partner for and it really frustrates me.

I just think it's wrong that the money he is giving her to pay for things for his son is going to pay for her and her partner to live in their house.

We both work full time, work really hard for our money and yet she barely works, claims everything she can from the government and has the added £350 a month from my OH.

I read that if you share custody 50/50 that the father doesn't have to pay child support. From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake. We have to work our life around her schedule, when we are the ones who work 9-5 all week. I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. I just bite my tongue now whenever he mentions her.

I won't say what they DO say .

Bowing out now as this is a proper derail.

@KarensChoppyGob

Maybe it's a regional thing then?? Sounds very dated to me and to my teens ...

Dunno. I've only ever heard it on American TV, and it definitely didn't date from the fifties! You've got to remember that the early nineties were quite a long time ago, so to today's teens even 90s and 00s references will sound very old.

@KarensChoppyGob

I won't say what they DO say .

Bowing out now as this is a proper derail.

You can't ask a question and then bow out!

Sorry, OP.

What is BM?

I've scrolled and found it - didn't RTWT

OP here's the the thing. Your dp and his ex and their child have been rubbing along amicable for years. That is brilliant. We know now that separation doesn't cause any long term problems for kids - conflict does. You have come along and decided that their amicable arrangement that has served them well doesn't fit into your notion of fairness and it is stressing you out. But this is about your boundaries. Not his.

Your only choices really are to -

A. Preserve your own boundaries and walk away.
B. Keep chipping away at your partner and encourage him to create conflict with his ex wife knowing that this may be harmful to his child.

Needs must and if it ever came to a time where your partner couldn't afford to pay this amount it would be up to him to decide this, raise it with his ex and renegotiate it.

@Daydrambeliever

OP here's the the thing. Your dp and his ex and their child have been rubbing along amicable for years. That is brilliant. We know now that separation doesn't cause any long term problems for kids - conflict does. You have come along and decided that their amicable arrangement that has served them well doesn't fit into your notion of fairness and it is stressing you out. But this is about your boundaries. Not his.

Your only choices really are to -

A. Preserve your own boundaries and walk away.
B. Keep chipping away at your partner and encourage him to create conflict with his ex wife knowing that this may be harmful to his child.

Needs must and if it ever came to a time where your partner couldn't afford to pay this amount it would be up to him to decide this, raise it with his ex and renegotiate it.

All of this.

I see op not been back 🙄

Didn't think they would come back.

I've read most the comments...
For some reason your judging yet I dont know why??
Its got nothing to do with you
yet your here posting on mumsnet slagging her off? When honestly you have no right too

It doesn't matter what she does, how many hours she works or whether he pays more or she pays more
He is paying on time each month and she's being a mother and trying to work and look after his kid
The rest does not matter and you sure as hell dont need to post here about it
They are doing a bloody good job

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake

This is annoying !
She is a she is your partners childs mother...and if you dont like it you shouldnt of got with someone who had kids, or maybe you just did that to judge her...
Shameful..I hope to god she never sees this and realise how horrible you are towards her

Parents child’s mother. I.e. golden uterus.