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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Losing patience with BM

136 replies

Losingit259 · 20/05/2021 15:30

I've been in a relationship with my OH for 4 years now, we've lived together for 3 and I've been involved with my SS 12 from early on. We have a great relationship, however I have major issues with his mum.

My OH and BM were together for approx 15 years, never married, and they split up amicably when SS was 6. He has been paying approx £350 per month maintenance to BM since then, despite having his son around 50% of the time.

Our current schedule is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and every other weekend. When it is BM's weekend, we drop him off at around midday on the saturday. So on average he is with us 3-4 nights per week.

My OH does every school pick up and drop off as BM doesn't drive and she has moved further away from SS's school. My OH pays for all his school meals, buys his uniform, pays for all birthday parties, phone contract, playstation memberships, buys new laptops etc. BM buys his everyday clothes, although we also buy clothes to keep at our house. We also have to make sure SS has eaten before he goes back to his mums as she never has any food in the house.

BM lives with her partner, she works a maximum two days a week in the same job she has complained about for the last 15+ years, yet she doesn't do anything about it. She relies on my OH for everything, and says without his money she couldn't afford her bills etc. She relies on my OH for things she should be relying on her own partner for and it really frustrates me.

I just think it's wrong that the money he is giving her to pay for things for his son is going to pay for her and her partner to live in their house.

We both work full time, work really hard for our money and yet she barely works, claims everything she can from the government and has the added £350 a month from my OH.

I read that if you share custody 50/50 that the father doesn't have to pay child support. From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake. We have to work our life around her schedule, when we are the ones who work 9-5 all week. I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. I just bite my tongue now whenever he mentions her.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 13:21

I am surprised so many are supporting this mum tbh.

Imagine if a mum posted saying she officially has 50/50 care with her ex but actually he only works 2 days a week so she has to give him £350 each month just so he can pay for their child during the time he has him, leaving her covering almost 100% of their child's costs. On top of that he also doesn't even drive, yet still moved away so he can't do any school runs, so she's also having to do that every day, including dropping the child to and from his dad's, whilst managing a full-time job.

I'm sure people would tell her she's being a mug and that if the dad can't afford to have his child 50/50 and can't even accomodate basic things like the school run when he's off 3 days a week (!) then 50/50 clearly isn't the right option.

Obviously it's down to the mum and dad what they decide to do, but equally I'm just surprised to see people on mum's side here because I really don't feel they'd be on dad's side in the exact same scenario.

Magda72 · 21/05/2021 13:27

@Bibidy - spot on.
The double standards on here are really shocking sometimes.

reallyreallyborednow · 21/05/2021 13:33

*I’m a step mum and I think your wrong.

He should pay until he is 18 and continue to do these things. He is the father even if the BM is useless.*

So even though he’s paying for the bulk of the childs expenses, and having the child more than 50%, he should still pay?

What if the child stays an extra night so he is main carer? He should still pay until the child is 18?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/05/2021 13:45

If there was really no food, then surely a good dad would be pursuing full custody? Sometimes when a child says 'no food', what they mean is 'nothing I fancy eating'!

I'm torn on this. I see why you are resentful but at the same time I think that if his money gives the child a better home life it's worth paying. Maybe she only works pt because she wants to be home for her child and if the child's dad is happy to facilitate it, then there's nothing to be (or should be) done. She doesn't sound great tbh, but a harmonious relationship between exes who co-parent might be worth paying for.

I dislike BM in much the same way I dislike Cis woman, but not everyone uses it to be inflammatory.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 13:49

@Guavafish

I’m a step mum and I think your wrong.

He should pay until he is 18 and continue to do these things. He is the father even if the BM is useless.

But what is he paying it for though?

He's already paying all of his child's expenses, including uniform & school dinners, school trips, clubs, phone contract, new games consoles etc.

He's literally just handing this woman money to pay for herself and her own bills.

The only explanation I can see for this is that he'd rather pay the money than have his child for a greater amount of time, but I doubt this is the reason as he's already having to do the schools runs to and from the mum's every day she has the child anyway so it's actually putting him out to maintain this situation.

BusyLizzie61 · 21/05/2021 14:20

@reallyreallyborednow

Why wouldn't the dad pay the money that he wants to to ensure his son does not go without

Why does nobody expect the mum to start pulling her weight and contributing her half?

Are you really suggesting that the ex is not contributing?

The child has a home, clothing, bedding, toys, food, heating, electric, water.... Does that all get paid for out of the maintenance?

SandyY2K · 21/05/2021 14:30

The whole 'BM' issue always completely derails the thread. If you're offended by it either deal with it in silence or say something and move on

I agree.

Some sites commonly use SO as opposed to DP...some use OH.

Getting het up about it and accusing the OP of being offensive, when it's simply a case of not being familiar with the acronyms is immature and unnecessary.

That kind of hostility can drive someone looking for support away.

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2021 14:33

Are you really suggesting that the ex is not contributing? The child has a home, clothing, bedding, toys, food, heating, electric, water.... Does that all get paid for out of the maintenance?

He has that at the other home he spends half his home is too. The point is why the extra maintenance on top of that?

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 14:41

Are you really suggesting that the ex is not contributing?

The child has a home, clothing, bedding, toys, food, heating, electric, water.... Does that all get paid for out of the maintenance?

But the dad has all of these exact same costs to pay at his home, plus all of his son's school expenses and the rest of the things OP listed like his mobile phone, playstation membership etc etc.

How can it possibly be defended that he's got the exact same expenses for the child as the mum since they have him the same amount of time each, plus he pays for everything else....and yet still gives the mum money on top???

GreatOak · 21/05/2021 14:43

The calculator on the Government’s website gives you a good idea of how much your OH should pay, it does take account of how many days his DS spends with you every week, though is irrespective of what else you may buy him while he is with you:

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Ultimately it is your OH’s decision to do or change anything in this scenario.

Sally872 · 21/05/2021 16:28

I understand your frustrations OP. But your DH will continue because he wants the best for his child and if he can afford it and it keeps a roof over his sons head so he can see mother then I can understand his logic. He probably doesn't want to risk her trying to reduce contact in order to keep money.

EnoughnowIthink · 21/05/2021 17:17

Why doesn't he pay you any maintenance?!

Self employed.

It might be a bitter pill to swallow but it is a natural consequence of splitting

Nothing natural about it. Utterly wrong that a lower earning aren’t should contribute the same as a higher earner.

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2021 17:37

@EnoughnowIthink

Why doesn't he pay you any maintenance?!

Self employed.

It might be a bitter pill to swallow but it is a natural consequence of splitting

Nothing natural about it. Utterly wrong that a lower earning aren’t should contribute the same as a higher earner.

Depends why they're a lower earner really, doesn't it? Ex partners have no obligation to facilitate that active choice anymore. Of course it's natural.

EnoughnowIthink · 21/05/2021 21:40

Being a lower earner is an ‘active choice’? Wow.

SciFiScream · 21/05/2021 21:50

Whatever else happens in this thread. The Dad comes across as a good man.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 21/05/2021 22:00

Every pre-teen/teenager I have ever met has complained that there is no food in the house. What they really mean is no snacks/nice things

@SandyCane I was waiting for someone to point this out. It's so true! My DS does it and it drives me nuts! There's food in the house but he's not happy if there's no junk.

Littlepaws18 · 21/05/2021 22:09

Simple go to CM calculator and work out exactly what he should be paying based on salary and times he has him. Stick with that payment. And don't begrudge him being a good dad. If he needs to find uniforms etc do school runs it's part of his duties.

My partner pays what feels like a lot but it's his responsibility and I wouldn't respect him half as much if he didn't. And if the children needed anything we would do what we could to ensure they have it both of us, because they are as much my family.

KarensChoppyGob · 21/05/2021 22:15

@OppsUpsSide

Baby Momma/Mutha/Mother is all... youthful... just a variation of dialect/fashion.

As is ‘need to get laid’.

Ahh to be young and thoughtless.

Is it??

I thought getting 'laid' was a really dated US phrase from about the 1950s .

Sorry, as you were .

OppsUpsSide · 21/05/2021 22:26

I thought getting 'laid' was a really dated US phrase from about the 1950s confused.

Is it?? Now you mention it it might not be current slang, boned? I think that’s dated too. It was used in the 90’s in the UK I thought the 90’s were back.

Puntastic · 22/05/2021 05:52

I thought getting 'laid' was a really dated US phrase from about the 1950s confused.

The fifties?! Not that old, surely? Wasn't it used in the American Pie films?

DoLallyTapMum · 22/05/2021 07:31

Personally I can understand why he pays the money. You say it’s just going to his ex, well it’s not it’s keeping a roof over his son’s head and keeping the mother somewhat happier which will be good for his DS. I understand why you’re frustrated but 2bh if you’re both full time working adults then he can afford the £350. As regards all the extra things, well that’s what a good father does and when they had your step son together he must have done a lot of pick ups as he was the one who drives. I do understand your frustration but honestly I think you either accept it or leave.

Crowsaregreat · 22/05/2021 07:37

Ha ha I thought BM meant bowel movement and you were losing patience with your constipation.

If love to hear the child's mother's side of this, I bet she has some pertinent information that would put a different soon on things.

KarensChoppyGob · 22/05/2021 08:28

Ah! Wasn't too far off.

Sorry to derail OP.

Puntastic · 22/05/2021 08:31

@KarensChoppyGob

Ah! Wasn't too far off.

Sorry to derail OP.

That's when it was first dated from, not an exclusive period of useage.

KarensChoppyGob · 22/05/2021 08:35

Maybe it's a regional thing then?? Sounds very dated to me and to my teens ...

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