Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Losing patience with BM

136 replies

Losingit259 · 20/05/2021 15:30

I've been in a relationship with my OH for 4 years now, we've lived together for 3 and I've been involved with my SS 12 from early on. We have a great relationship, however I have major issues with his mum.

My OH and BM were together for approx 15 years, never married, and they split up amicably when SS was 6. He has been paying approx £350 per month maintenance to BM since then, despite having his son around 50% of the time.

Our current schedule is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and every other weekend. When it is BM's weekend, we drop him off at around midday on the saturday. So on average he is with us 3-4 nights per week.

My OH does every school pick up and drop off as BM doesn't drive and she has moved further away from SS's school. My OH pays for all his school meals, buys his uniform, pays for all birthday parties, phone contract, playstation memberships, buys new laptops etc. BM buys his everyday clothes, although we also buy clothes to keep at our house. We also have to make sure SS has eaten before he goes back to his mums as she never has any food in the house.

BM lives with her partner, she works a maximum two days a week in the same job she has complained about for the last 15+ years, yet she doesn't do anything about it. She relies on my OH for everything, and says without his money she couldn't afford her bills etc. She relies on my OH for things she should be relying on her own partner for and it really frustrates me.

I just think it's wrong that the money he is giving her to pay for things for his son is going to pay for her and her partner to live in their house.

We both work full time, work really hard for our money and yet she barely works, claims everything she can from the government and has the added £350 a month from my OH.

I read that if you share custody 50/50 that the father doesn't have to pay child support. From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake. We have to work our life around her schedule, when we are the ones who work 9-5 all week. I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. I just bite my tongue now whenever he mentions her.

OP posts:
myfuckingfreezer · 20/05/2021 16:29

From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Well he doesn't HAVE to, he's choosing to. Have you asked him why?

Sillysandy · 20/05/2021 16:31

Hi OP,

It sounds really frustrating and unfair. Are you short on money and this is putting a strain on your lives? When you say the ex relies on your DH is that for things other than financial support?

If the answer to both the above is no then I would say despite it being totally unfair try to suck it up for the teenage years. This situations are so crappy for the kids and if you can inwardly curse the difficult parent but rise above it all then you are building a happy home, family and relationship for yourself.

If the answer is yes to both or either that puts an entirely different slant on things and you have some questions to ask yourself. Is your relationship worth it?

Blacktothepink · 20/05/2021 16:33

What does your OH say? Technically he doesn’t have to pay but chooses to, so take it up with him 🤔

HappyMeal654 · 20/05/2021 16:33

How do you know there isn't food in her house? Surely you don't believe he doesn't eat when he's with his mum? Your husband should be taking him full time if this is true.

Youseethethingis · 20/05/2021 16:34

I take it the child's mother has to pay rent , has , electric, water , TV , etc etc.
Does your DSS not use any utilities ?
He has a room there presumably?
What a patronising comment. Doubly so since the child spends as much time under OPs roof as his mothers so is going to be well aware of his “running costs”.
Would you say that to a woman looking for maintenance from her ex even though it’s 50/50 contact? After all, she should realise that the father has to pay his water bills to... Hmm

reallyreallyborednow · 20/05/2021 16:34

Why not offer to have him for more days rather than 50/50? Sounds like your doing a better job than her and liver nearer school. Would he be more settled living with you full time and doing EOW with his mum? Then your DH would be more able to stop subsidising her as the money would be going direct to his son, in his care

This.

I wouldn’t expect any child maintenance from her though…

Checkingout811 · 20/05/2021 16:35

You partner is paying for his son. His son isn’t going without. His mother is exactly that; his mother. Not his birth mother, simply his mother. He only has one mother so there’s no need to try and distinguish between her and anybody else.

What’s the issue here? Do you want children with him and don’t want him spending his money on his child?

In all fairness, her job and how many yours she chooses to work has nothing to do with you. You should be proud to be with a mum who won’t let his son go without. There are plenty of men who do.

Tk5787338 · 20/05/2021 16:36

@MrsTerryPratchett and @BinocularVision I understand what birth mum means; I’m both a mum and stepmum and I don’t find it insulting which is why I made my comment.

Melitza · 20/05/2021 16:39

Your dh sounds like a good dad.
You should be proud of him.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 16:41

What’s the issue here? Do you want children with him and don’t want him spending his money on his child?

Surely you can see what the issue here is for OP? Anyone would be frustrated in her shoes.

Ingridla · 20/05/2021 16:45

I had no idea what a BM was until I read previous posts, how unpleasant of you to term her like this.

I don't think the problem is the child's mother, it's his parents relationship. £350 isn't very much maintenance in my opinion.

It doesn't sound as though the situation is working for you and to be perfectly honest I'd consider getting out now because in my view it is not going to change in any way you appear to want it to.

BigusBumus · 20/05/2021 16:46

It would piss me off too OP. We were in the same situation where my DH paid his ex without fail every month, when we had DSS the majority of the time. In the end we just asked for DSS to come live with us and she merrily handed him over and went to live up North somewhere.

She was OUTRAGED when he stopped the monthly money and I claimed for the Child Benefit. She genuinely thought she could carry on being a lazy sponger for ever more!

(PS she's seen her child, now nearly 19, only once a year for a few hours ever since, so about 9 times Sad).

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/05/2021 16:47
Biscuit
Youseethethingis · 20/05/2021 16:48

£350 isn't very much maintenance in my opinion
It’s a lot when the actual entitlement is approximately £0.00 and the larger costs for the child are being met by someone else.

user1469544430 · 20/05/2021 16:48

I thought it was going to be about Bowel Movements Blush

OppsUpsSide · 20/05/2021 16:49

BM means 'baby mother ' surely?

Yea, if you’re 12.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/05/2021 16:50

@OppsUpsSide

BM means 'baby mother ' surely?

Yea, if you’re 12.

I believe that’s Baby Momma
KurtWilde · 20/05/2021 16:52

Birth mother is someone who gives birth to a child and put it up for adoption. The word you're looking for is 'mum'.

I'm also a step mum btw, and what your partner chooses to pay towards his child is entirely up to him. Just as you're entirely at liberty to walk away if you're not happy with it. If he's not wanting to change the status quo then there's not a lot you can do.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 16:52

@Ingridla

I had no idea what a BM was until I read previous posts, how unpleasant of you to term her like this.

I don't think the problem is the child's mother, it's his parents relationship. £350 isn't very much maintenance in my opinion.

It doesn't sound as though the situation is working for you and to be perfectly honest I'd consider getting out now because in my view it is not going to change in any way you appear to want it to.

But they have 50/50 care?

So actually £350 is a lot considering he really doesn't need to be giving his ex anything at all as he has his child for an equal amount of time. She's not owed maintenance just by virtue of being the boy's mum, it's meant to be to compensate for the extra costs incurred by one parent having him more than the other.

reallyreallyborednow · 20/05/2021 17:07

I don't think the problem is the child's mother, it's his parents relationship. £350 isn't very much maintenance in my opinion

If he’s staying at o/p’s 4 nights a week that’s more than 50% and she should be paying him maintenance.

3/4 nights and costs are shared, so nobody pays anyone.

She has to pay her half too.

ThatIsMyPotato · 20/05/2021 17:49

Does your OH mind paying?

dorris88 · 20/05/2021 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EnoughnowIthink · 20/05/2021 18:08

Why is her work your business? Your thinly veiled benefit bashing shite is exactly that - shite.

What does BD think? Cos hat’s where your problem is.

AccountCreateUsername · 20/05/2021 18:08

Oh do piss off Doris.

EnoughnowIthink · 20/05/2021 18:11

I’m pretty sure OP wasn't referring to her SS's mum as a birth mum to offend her

Nah. My ex’s girlfriend used to tell my children that ‘I’m your mummy now, that fucking bitch is just your birth mum’,

Wouldn’t mind but she saw them one night a fortnight and I pay for everything.