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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Losing patience with BM

136 replies

Losingit259 · 20/05/2021 15:30

I've been in a relationship with my OH for 4 years now, we've lived together for 3 and I've been involved with my SS 12 from early on. We have a great relationship, however I have major issues with his mum.

My OH and BM were together for approx 15 years, never married, and they split up amicably when SS was 6. He has been paying approx £350 per month maintenance to BM since then, despite having his son around 50% of the time.

Our current schedule is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and every other weekend. When it is BM's weekend, we drop him off at around midday on the saturday. So on average he is with us 3-4 nights per week.

My OH does every school pick up and drop off as BM doesn't drive and she has moved further away from SS's school. My OH pays for all his school meals, buys his uniform, pays for all birthday parties, phone contract, playstation memberships, buys new laptops etc. BM buys his everyday clothes, although we also buy clothes to keep at our house. We also have to make sure SS has eaten before he goes back to his mums as she never has any food in the house.

BM lives with her partner, she works a maximum two days a week in the same job she has complained about for the last 15+ years, yet she doesn't do anything about it. She relies on my OH for everything, and says without his money she couldn't afford her bills etc. She relies on my OH for things she should be relying on her own partner for and it really frustrates me.

I just think it's wrong that the money he is giving her to pay for things for his son is going to pay for her and her partner to live in their house.

We both work full time, work really hard for our money and yet she barely works, claims everything she can from the government and has the added £350 a month from my OH.

I read that if you share custody 50/50 that the father doesn't have to pay child support. From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake. We have to work our life around her schedule, when we are the ones who work 9-5 all week. I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. I just bite my tongue now whenever he mentions her.

OP posts:
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 15:32

Oh you are going to be CRUCIFIED.

Put your hard hat on.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 15:33

I understand your frustrations OP but if your OH is willing to keep paying then not too sure what you can do really? You have my sympathies though as it must be hard to stomach.

Hadalifeonce · 20/05/2021 15:35

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your situation, if your DH isn't interested in change, nothing will change.

Tk5787338 · 20/05/2021 15:36

For some reason munsnet doesn’t like mums being referred to as birth mum so be prepared.
As far as I can see your problem isn’t with your DSS mum but with your partner. He’s accepting and happy with the situation so nothing is going to change unless he wants to change things.

Goatsgetmygoat · 20/05/2021 15:37

It’s your DH you have a problem with

OnlyInYourDreams · 20/05/2021 15:37

I think you’ll find the term is “DM” not “BM”

HTH

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2021 15:40

For some reason munsnet doesn’t like mums being referred to as birth mum I think it's fairly obviously why, isn't it?

Putting that aside, your OH doesn't want anything to change and the DSS is 12 so it's really unlikely now. FWIW if the mum doesn't have food in the house, he should be going for more time. Poor kid.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/05/2021 15:41

If I were you, I would be making a hasty exit. Why put up with all of this shit when you don't have to? There is nothing wrong with saying having a stepchild doesn't work for me. I think you'd be a lot happier without all this stress in your life.

BinocularVision · 20/05/2021 15:42

@Tk5787338

For some reason munsnet doesn’t like mums being referred to as birth mum so be prepared. As far as I can see your problem isn’t with your DSS mum but with your partner. He’s accepting and happy with the situation so nothing is going to change unless he wants to change things.
Because ‘birth mother’ is a term usually used in adoption, to distinguish the woman who gave birth to a child up but has had her parental rights terminated from the (adoptive) mother who is bringing up the child. Using it of a mother who is bringing up her child is pretty insulting. The word you want is plain ‘mother’.
Szyz2020 · 20/05/2021 15:45

Why not offer to have him for more days rather than 50/50? Sounds like your doing a better job than her and liver nearer school. Would he be more settled living with you full time and doing EOW with his mum? Then your DH would be more able to stop subsidising her as the money would be going direct to his son, in his care.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/05/2021 15:46

Sounds like your DH wants the best for his DS, even if his mother makes frustrating choices. If I were you, keep out of it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 15:50

Your problem is with your partner. He doesn’t have to pay her. He’s choosing to pay her.

I wouldn’t like their enmeshed dynamic either but then I wouldn’t have hung around 6 months never mind 4 years.

She’s not your problem. Your man is. And if he’s happy with their set up it’s not going to change. So what are you going to do about it?

Solasta · 20/05/2021 15:52

👀🍿👀

Magicalunicornsandthings · 20/05/2021 15:52

This sounds a very frustrating situation for you. It sounds like his dad is more involved than his mum. And it sounds like he’d be better living with you as it sounds like he’s with you most of the time? I’d be speaking to your partner about your frustrations and find a way around it together. Don’t let resentment build up, it doesn’t end well. Get it all out in the open and find a way forward.

PremierSmeage · 20/05/2021 15:53

I agree with you OP, on most of your points.

But it's up to your OH what he decides.

Perhaps he should have a chat with the ex and ask what her plans are for when DS leaves education/turns 18.

Etinox · 20/05/2021 15:54

It’s a fine set up for everyone but you. And it’s fine for you to decide it’s not working for you, and to walk away.

Theunamedcat · 20/05/2021 16:00

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your problem is with your partner. He doesn’t have to pay her. He’s choosing to pay her.

I wouldn’t like their enmeshed dynamic either but then I wouldn’t have hung around 6 months never mind 4 years.

She’s not your problem. Your man is. And if he’s happy with their set up it’s not going to change. So what are you going to do about it?

Yup all of this ^
JSL52 · 20/05/2021 16:03

I take it the child's mother has to pay rent , has , electric, water , TV , etc etc.
Does your DSS not use any utilities ?
He has a room there presumably?
How do you know she has no food in ?
Is a child is telling you this ? Does he mean actually nothing ?
Kids cost money.
My ex occasionally gave me £10 ( about 5 times) and told me not to use it to go out 🙄

Horehound · 20/05/2021 16:05

Bit I expect he is happy to pay becomes it means his son will be warm, fed and clothes whilst not in his care. Surely that's being a good father?

Mamette · 20/05/2021 16:05

Mother.

Birth mother refers to a mother whose child has been adopted.

You are being offensive.

Aprilwasverywet · 20/05/2021 16:06

Your family money should not be funding a pt worker's life.
She needs more money she should work more hours...
Isn't that what should happen?

cheninblank · 20/05/2021 16:07

🍿

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 16:09

@JSL52

I take it the child's mother has to pay rent , has , electric, water , TV , etc etc. Does your DSS not use any utilities ? He has a room there presumably? How do you know she has no food in ? Is a child is telling you this ? Does he mean actually nothing ? Kids cost money. My ex occasionally gave me £10 ( about 5 times) and told me not to use it to go out 🙄
As do OP and her DP. And they pay for all of the other things she outlines.

Kids cost money and in addition to more than half the costs of his son, the DP is paying her £350 a month. He’s considerably worse off, she’s doing very well for someone who works two days a week.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 16:19

@JSL52

I take it the child's mother has to pay rent , has , electric, water , TV , etc etc. Does your DSS not use any utilities ? He has a room there presumably? How do you know she has no food in ? Is a child is telling you this ? Does he mean actually nothing ? Kids cost money. My ex occasionally gave me £10 ( about 5 times) and told me not to use it to go out 🙄
In fairness, mum could work more than 2 days a week to help pay for the roof over her own head, plus the bills for her home. It's not her ex's responsibility to pay for that for her.

I'm sure she does have food in though since she keeps him alive half the time! He probably just prefers the food at his dad's.

Anordinarymum · 20/05/2021 16:25

@Mamette

Mother.

Birth mother refers to a mother whose child has been adopted.

You are being offensive.

BM means 'baby mother ' surely?
I personally find all of theses anachronisms offensive deciphering who is bloody who :)