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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Losing patience with BM

136 replies

Losingit259 · 20/05/2021 15:30

I've been in a relationship with my OH for 4 years now, we've lived together for 3 and I've been involved with my SS 12 from early on. We have a great relationship, however I have major issues with his mum.

My OH and BM were together for approx 15 years, never married, and they split up amicably when SS was 6. He has been paying approx £350 per month maintenance to BM since then, despite having his son around 50% of the time.

Our current schedule is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and every other weekend. When it is BM's weekend, we drop him off at around midday on the saturday. So on average he is with us 3-4 nights per week.

My OH does every school pick up and drop off as BM doesn't drive and she has moved further away from SS's school. My OH pays for all his school meals, buys his uniform, pays for all birthday parties, phone contract, playstation memberships, buys new laptops etc. BM buys his everyday clothes, although we also buy clothes to keep at our house. We also have to make sure SS has eaten before he goes back to his mums as she never has any food in the house.

BM lives with her partner, she works a maximum two days a week in the same job she has complained about for the last 15+ years, yet she doesn't do anything about it. She relies on my OH for everything, and says without his money she couldn't afford her bills etc. She relies on my OH for things she should be relying on her own partner for and it really frustrates me.

I just think it's wrong that the money he is giving her to pay for things for his son is going to pay for her and her partner to live in their house.

We both work full time, work really hard for our money and yet she barely works, claims everything she can from the government and has the added £350 a month from my OH.

I read that if you share custody 50/50 that the father doesn't have to pay child support. From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake. We have to work our life around her schedule, when we are the ones who work 9-5 all week. I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. I just bite my tongue now whenever he mentions her.

OP posts:
Mamette · 21/05/2021 10:25

@Ally001

The whole 'BM' issue always completely derails the thread. If you're offended by it either deal with it in silence or say something and move on.
Thanks, but you are not the thread police and posters can post what they like within the guidelines of the site.

Maybe if you don’t like that you could deal with it in silence? Or move on...?

Ally001 · 21/05/2021 10:34

I never said i was the 'thread police'. calm down.
It just serves as a distraction from the real issues of the thread. If you're that offended by an acronym, maybe you shouldn't be subjecting yourself to an open forum.

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2021 10:34

I agree with you that it really doesn't sound like he should be paying maintenance, but I think your main issue is that you are not on the same page as him.

Mamette · 21/05/2021 11:18

@Ally001

I never said i was the 'thread police'. calm down. It just serves as a distraction from the real issues of the thread. If you're that offended by an acronym, maybe you shouldn't be subjecting yourself to an open forum.
Personally I’m not offended by an acronym (others may be and that’s their right), just the misuse of a sensitive term. But I have already explained my own views upthread.

You keep suggesting posters become “silent” or they “move on” or don’t “subject themselves to an open forum”.

You do understand that this is a discussion board and posters can express their opinions as they wish?

Telling people- essentially- to shut up and go away because you don’t like what they’re saying... sorry, it doesn’t work that way Smile

Leaninghouse · 21/05/2021 11:20

Ah I remember a few months ago when there was a bit of a campaign on here to be nicer to step parents and to empathise more project less etc. That didn't last long did it

FYI I can think of at least 2 forums where BM is used, so not necessarily a nasty term and D isn't always appropriate

Pompom2367 · 21/05/2021 11:26

I'm a step parent and your issue is with your partner not with the child's mum

feistymumma · 21/05/2021 11:30

These are the sort of things that come with being with someone who has children. I think you should stay out of it to be honest, he has his reasons for continuing to pay. What his ex gets up to and how many hours she works isn't your business.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 11:32

Personally I’m not offended by an acronym (others may be and that’s their right), just the misuse of a sensitive term. But I have already explained my own views upthread.

You keep suggesting posters become “silent” or they “move on” or don’t “subject themselves to an open forum”.

You do understand that this is a discussion board and posters can express their opinions as they wish?

Don't you find it frustrating though when meaningful discussion about the actual issues in the OP is disrupted by constant comments about an acronym the OP has, probably innocently due to it being in common use on other forums, chosen to use?

Of course people can express their opinions as they wish on here but personally I do find it annoying when every 2nd comment is about the use of 'BM' as it ends up taking over the whole discussion so there is no discussion of the actual issues at hand anymore.

Snookie00 · 21/05/2021 11:34

Yeah. She is taking the piss but you’ll get all the “she must be defended” posters on here picking apart what terminology you use and twisting themselves in knots to excuse her laziness. There are many dads who don’t take the share of the parenting cost and burden but your dh doesn’t seem to be one of them. It is up to him to get this sorted though.

Mintjulia · 21/05/2021 11:38

@sandycane The voice of reason. Couldn't have put it better myself Smile

Wishitsnows · 21/05/2021 11:43

Why wouldn't the dad pay the money that he wants to to ensure his son does not go without. Maybe if you are really poor and cannot that's one thing. I would hand over funds regardless of 50/50 care to make sure my children didn't miss out.

reallyreallyborednow · 21/05/2021 11:47

Why wouldn't the dad pay the money that he wants to to ensure his son does not go without

Why does nobody expect the mum to start pulling her weight and contributing her half?

reallyreallyborednow · 21/05/2021 11:49

Every pre-teen/teenager I have ever met has complained that there is no food in the house. What they really mean is no snacks/nice things

Even the bloody dog does this Grin

Scarydinosaurs · 21/05/2021 11:52

Do you sense the son and his mother would prefer him to live with you FT?

ChairmansReserve · 21/05/2021 11:53

It's not an acronym.

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/acronym

It's also obviously used in an offensive way and makes it very clear what OP thinks of her.

EnoughnowIthink · 21/05/2021 11:54

Why does nobody expect the mum to start pulling her weight and contributing her half?

She works and claims the benefits she is entitled to. What else do you want?

As for this arbitary 'half', why? Few separated parents earn exactly the same amount. If someone in a together couple posted that her partner earned more than her and expected half of all child related costs when they earn different amounts, she would be told to LTB. Why do separated couples suddenly have to pay equal amounts?

And for context, I have paid 100% of my children's costs for the last 14 years (bar the meals they eat when with their father). Every school trip, school uniform, pair of shoes etdc etc etc And their father earns around 5 times what I do.

EnoughnowIthink · 21/05/2021 11:57

It's also obviously used in an offensive way and makes it very clear what OP thinks of her

I hate it but I don't always think it's meant offensively. Posters who use it often apologise and say they realise why it others might be offended. It's pretty damning in my eyes but I accept some people might not have given it a second thought. It is also clear some people don't mind it being used which muddies the water somewhat.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 11:59

@EnoughnowIthink

Why does nobody expect the mum to start pulling her weight and contributing her half?

She works and claims the benefits she is entitled to. What else do you want?

As for this arbitary 'half', why? Few separated parents earn exactly the same amount. If someone in a together couple posted that her partner earned more than her and expected half of all child related costs when they earn different amounts, she would be told to LTB. Why do separated couples suddenly have to pay equal amounts?

And for context, I have paid 100% of my children's costs for the last 14 years (bar the meals they eat when with their father). Every school trip, school uniform, pair of shoes etdc etc etc And their father earns around 5 times what I do.

Why doesn't he pay you any maintenance?!
YouSeeMee · 21/05/2021 12:15

Your partner cares for his child more than 50% of the time (8 nights per fortnight), pays for school and extra curricular activities, etc, and also pays maintenance to his ex?

This does seem like an unfair situation for your partner. He must be a very generous and responsible human being.

Whatever the reasons, it is his choice to continue with this arrangement. And its up to him to review as and when he chooses. If its not causing him financial hardship, he's probably happy to continue. If you can't handle it, your only option is to leave the relationship. But, to be honest, it sounds like you found a good one.

aSofaNearYou · 21/05/2021 12:29

She works and claims the benefits she is entitled to. What else do you want? As for this arbitary 'half', why? Few separated parents earn exactly the same amount. If someone in a together couple posted that her partner earned more than her and expected half of all child related costs when they earn different amounts, she would be told to LTB. Why do separated couples suddenly have to pay equal amounts?

Well put bluntly, because being seperated parents is different to still being a couple and you no longer have a vested interest in supporting the other person and making life easier for them. There are circumstances that can make it impossible for one to earn as much and therefore the other needs to step up and provide more, and there are also times where one parent has so much money it's no hardship for them to provide more so why not. But when both experience a similar lifestyle and are equally capable of earning, obviously people are going to want the amount of money they put in to be equal and fair, rather than one of them provide more so the other doesn't have to. It might be a bitter pill to swallow but it is a natural consequence of splitting.

dorris88 · 21/05/2021 12:33

@ChairmansReserve

Wow - that's busy

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 12:51

She works and claims the benefits she is entitled to. What else do you want? As for this arbitary 'half', why? Few separated parents earn exactly the same amount. If someone in a together couple posted that her partner earned more than her and expected half of all child related costs when they earn different amounts, she would be told to LTB. Why do separated couples suddenly have to pay equal amounts?

I don't care about the 'half' thing being exact but I would very much care if my household was covering pretty much 100% of SC's expenses, doing all of the school runs, and yet my DP was still handing his ex £350 a month, essentially allowing her to live off us while she works minimally.

But tbh I do admit that I wouldn't be in my relationship if that was the case as it's way too enmeshed for me.

Carbara · 21/05/2021 13:02

Your boyfriend is happy to pay for his kid, so the issue is yours. Learn to live with it, or get a boyfriend who doesn’t have a kid 🤷‍♀️

Guavafish · 21/05/2021 13:11

I’m a step mum and I think your wrong.

He should pay until he is 18 and continue to do these things. He is the father even if the BM is useless.

Magda72 · 21/05/2021 13:13

Why does nobody expect the mum to start pulling her weight and contributing her half?
This!
For the life of me I cannot understand why time & again on MN the vast majority of posters seem to think mothers should take little or no financial responsibility for their dc!
It's 2021 not 1921!
This woman has her dc 50% of the time & people still think it's ok for her to effectively live off her ex. This makes NO sense to me & I'm saying that as a birth mother Smile.

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