Losing patience with BM

[Losingit259]

I've been in a relationship with my OH for 4 years now, we've lived together for 3 and I've been involved with my SS 12 from early on. We have a great relationship, however I have major issues with his mum.

My OH and BM were together for approx 15 years, never married, and they split up amicably when SS was 6. He has been paying approx £350 per month maintenance to BM since then, despite having his son around 50% of the time.

Our current schedule is Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and every other weekend. When it is BM's weekend, we drop him off at around midday on the saturday. So on average he is with us 3-4 nights per week.

My OH does every school pick up and drop off as BM doesn't drive and she has moved further away from SS's school. My OH pays for all his school meals, buys his uniform, pays for all birthday parties, phone contract, playstation memberships, buys new laptops etc. BM buys his everyday clothes, although we also buy clothes to keep at our house. We also have to make sure SS has eaten before he goes back to his mums as she never has any food in the house.

BM lives with her partner, she works a maximum two days a week in the same job she has complained about for the last 15+ years, yet she doesn't do anything about it. She relies on my OH for everything, and says without his money she couldn't afford her bills etc. She relies on my OH for things she should be relying on her own partner for and it really frustrates me.

I just think it's wrong that the money he is giving her to pay for things for his son is going to pay for her and her partner to live in their house.

We both work full time, work really hard for our money and yet she barely works, claims everything she can from the government and has the added £350 a month from my OH.

I read that if you share custody 50/50 that the father doesn't have to pay child support. From my perspective, we do far more for my SS than his BM does, yet my OH is having to pay her.

Sorry for the rant, being a stepmum is hard work at times. I feel like she is this constant presence that we cant shake. We have to work our life around her schedule, when we are the ones who work 9-5 all week. I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. I just bite my tongue now whenever he mentions her.

To be open, I'm a single mum. My ex has ds 20 nights a year. I have been a step mum in the past as well, and no, it isn't easy.

Calling the mum 'birth mother' is offensive. She's his mother.
Your OH doesn't want to change the payments so how is it your concern? I assume it is his money.

His son wants to live with his mum, your dp is making sure his son can do that and still eat, be warm etc. He is a good dad.

Finally, he will probably carry on being a good supportive dad for the next 9 years. During that time he will be in contact with his ex, because he is a good dad.

You need to accept that or choose not to live with it. The child comes first because the child doesn't have the option to walk away.

When you get involved with someone with children then and their other parent will always be on the scene in one way or another. YABU to expect otherwise.

I agree with PPs both that BM is incredibly offensive and that this is about your DP and not his ex. It's entirely within his power to stop paying if he doesn't want to. Clearly he does want to. If his ex is getting away with living off him, as you see it, it's his own fault.

@dorris88

Actually cracking up at the offence taken to an acronym 😂😂!

Can barely keep up referring to my kids as DSD & DD on here 😅

I'm pretty sure OP wasn't referring to her SS's mum as a birth mum to offend her, when the scenario doesn't even fit to the situation

Jheeeez. You women need to get laid.

I’m with you! Some people need to lighten up

I think the issue with 'BM' is that is commonplace on some other forums, I don't think (most) people who use it are doing so in order to be offensive towards the mother. It genuinely is just an acronym that is used elsewhere on other discussion boards.

That said, I can see why it is taken that way by many as I'd agree that normally it is used to denote the biological mother of an adopted child. But it doesn't automatically denote a lack of respect from the person who uses it.

@Losingit259 - I totally understand your frustrations. My exdp paid 600 a WEEK in maintenance to his exw for his 3 dc (all secondary age). He was happy to do so as he could not take them mid week due to traveling with work.
He also paid her mortgage as per his divorce agreement.
Exw refused point blank to work but kept coming back to exdp for more & more money. He literally paid for everything - uniforms, books, health insurance, doctors, dentists, holidays, sports gear, school trips. He was crippled financially but would not stand up to her or go back to court for forensic accountancy.
I left for many reasons but this was one of the main ones. He was permanently skint himself & had no money to do anything with me or put towards our future.
I'm not flush but I work hard. I save for my future & I also like to enjoy myself when I can so it was very, very frustrating.
As others have said your OH is the problem here, but if he won't change or go for full custody you are at nothing.

@dorris88 and @Ally001

I’m cringing for both of you. Pathetic responses.

@Mamette why you cringing?

Not everyone who posts on here is a regular. Not everyone understands the meaning behind the acronyms defined on MN.

Some people do not troll through here choosing to take offence to someone else being referred to as 'BM' (OP hasn't actually confirmed whether she understood the intent behind this acronym) or had taken a wild guess and what to refer to the ex as.

So yeah it's funny to watch such angst build up over something people have chosen to take offence to, especially as it's not aimed at them.

@dorris88 couldn’t have said it better (actually wish I’d said it as well as you)

I don't think (most) people who use it are doing so in order to be offensive towards the mother

I think the OP who ducked and ran after their post probably did.

I would also hazard a guess at no/minimal posting history. Can't be bothered confirming in advanced search but c'mon, really?

@dorris88 I’m cringing at your previous comment about women needing to get laid or whatever it was.

BM isn’t a common mumsnet acronym so it has nothing at all to do with being a regular poster.

The problem has to do with the OP using a term- “birth mother”- which refers to a woman who has placed her child for adoption.

For some people who have been adopted or have adoption in their family, it is offensive to hear someone use the term “birth mother” when they are actually talking about... a mother.

Do you have experience of adoption in your family? If you do, and you’re fine about the misuse of “birth mother” then that’s great for you.

I’m not fine about it and I let the OP know she was using an incorrect phrase. Interesting, though, to see the angst build up... when it wasn’t directed at you

Baby Momma/Mutha/Mother is all... youthful... just a variation of dialect/fashion.

As is ‘need to get laid’.

Ahh to be young and thoughtless.

Jheeeez. You women need to get laid.

Just misogynistic crap.

Mother.

Birth mother refers to a mother whose child has been adopted.

You are being offensive.

BM is also biological mother.

I do think MN need to be aware that a lot of people use other websites and the term BM is routinely used, as opposed to DM.

People don't read all the acronyms before posting, so those who insist on being offended, should try not to come down like a ton of bricks on people who use a factually correct term.

It's never offended me being called a biomum to my children, that are in fact biologically mine.

@OppsUpsSide

Baby Momma/Mutha/Mother is all... youthful... just a variation of dialect/fashion.

As is ‘need to get laid’.

Ahh to be young and thoughtless.

Just to be clear, I wasn’t disagreeing with you. I too think BM (whether is means Baby Momma, Birth Mother, Biological Mother...) are all offensive. The OP is not the child’s mother. She’s a step mother so the differentiation should be towards her.

It's never offended me being called a biomum to my children, that are in fact biologically mine

It offends me. I’m their mum. No need to qualify it with ‘birth’ or ‘biological’ or anything else.

I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her

You're frustrated with him. But all he is doing is parenting.

Also, the poster saying women who point out offence need to get laid?! What the fuck is that misogyny?!

You have an OH problem, OP.

Yes, your OH's ex is taking advantage in a massive way, but it's your OH that's allowing it. Blaming it on her is a red herring- most people won't voluntarily make their own lives less comfortable, especially when the other party hasn't complained at all.

So if there is no food in the house then and mum is in capable of supporting herself and her child then surely you and your partner have reported to SS, met with the safeguarding lead of the school and various other measures to flag that this child is being abused by way of neglect. Or is this yet another thread with a Disney dad and his girlfriend who say they have all this concerns but have done absolutely fuck all about it except moan. Snore. Should this woman be supporting herself? Of course. But that's not your problem, it's your partners. If he won't change then you need to focus on whether you are prepared to continue your relationship because you won't change the mum.

I don’t understand any need for the term baby/birth mother?
It would’ve been clear who the OP was referring to as she’d already made clear she was with a man who has a child with an ex.

Just “when he is with his mother” would be sufficient.
I am really struggling to think of any situation where I personally would need to be referred to as my children’s birth mothers, so adoption to one side, where have others experienced this?

Ultimately, the arrangement is between the two parents.

He sounds like a good parent. She doesn't sound like a bad parent!

How are the holidays shared? How many actual nights do you have?

Fwiw, you knew the arrangements and now believe that this should change because you don't like it!

How she spends the agreed maintenance is none of your business!

I've tried talking to my OH about it but he just wont listen and always gives in to her. what does your OH say when you mention it? Maybe he is happy with the arrangement. In which case it's up to you to decide if you are happy with your arrangement with OH.

@Checkingout811

I don’t understand any need for the term baby/birth mother? It would’ve been clear who the OP was referring to as she’d already made clear she was with a man who has a child with an ex.

Just “when he is with his mother” would be sufficient.
I am really struggling to think of any situation where I personally would need to be referred to as my children’s birth mothers, so adoption to one side, where have others experienced this?

I imagine it's because it's quicker to type- BM is two characters, shorter compared to 'SS's DM', 'DH's ex' and 'mother'. M on its own just doesn't work.

The whole 'BM' issue always completely derails the thread. If you're offended by it either deal with it in silence or say something and move on.

If the birth father is happy to pay to ensure that his son has a better quality of life then surely that's a good thing.

If you are not happy you can always leave.

Every pre-teen/teenager I have ever met has complained that there is no food in the house. What they really mean is no snacks/nice things