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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 08/05/2021 10:27

See I think it's completely the right thing to do in the circumstances. I don't see the issue with allowing one more child into the family. It will in no way disadvantage the child ( who is key here) and in fact will probably be very positive. I can see how it would disadvantage you, but if you're with a man with kids then they will always come first ( and if they don't you should run In the other direction as fast as possible).

ElspethFlashman · 08/05/2021 10:30

RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS, LOVE

🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

SionnachRua · 08/05/2021 10:30

Christ no, I'd get out of there. It's too possible that the baby is his and he's been lying to you about that. If it's not, he's potentially lying to the child and has saddled himself with responsibility for someone else's child, when he's already got plenty on his plate with 3. I couldn't put up with either scenario.

Bimblingaway · 08/05/2021 10:31

@ElspethFlashman

RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS, LOVE

🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

😂 amen!
tentosix · 08/05/2021 10:34

You are considering taking on a man with 4 children, who you will end up doing all the work for. You are still young. Why don't you walk away and look for an easier relationship?

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2021 10:34

I can see how it would disadvantage you, but if you're with a man with kids then they will always come first ( and if they don't you should run In the other direction as fast as possible).

You really can’t apply that usual argument to a child that isn’t even his.

YouJustFoldItIn · 08/05/2021 10:37

All these people totally convinced the child is his. Why? What's his motive for lying here? He's only been with the OP a year an the child is a year old.

What difference would it make whether he admitted to having 3 biological kids or four? The child was conceived at least nine months before he got together the OP anyway. Confused

FishyFriday · 08/05/2021 10:41

@ElspethFlashman

RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS, LOVE

🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

That would be my advice too. This is a situation it's just not worth being involved in.

No weird judgements about 'being cut out for stepparenting' or that bullshit here. Just a horror at the messiness of this situation. It won't improve and it's a quagmire you're best going around entirely.

Lovethesun100 · 08/05/2021 10:42

@nimbuscloud

Isn't this what Bob Geldof did ?

Bob Geldif didn’t lie about the parentage of Paula Yates youngest daughter.

Sorry didn't want to imply Bob G lied - I meant he took on DD to be raised with her sisters, which was a jolly decent thing to do for the child. (Also didn't want to try and post exacting detail about Bob G situation as sure I would get something wrong which would be picked up on Grin )
queenofthenorthwest · 08/05/2021 10:42

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Another one who thinks the baby is his.

What is this man like? Is he kind to you? Can he breathe through his ears? Cos, he'd have to be able to do that to make me stick around this very messy situation.

What does breathe through his ears mean? I have an idea but I'm not sure?
SionnachRua · 08/05/2021 10:45

What does breathe through his ears mean? I have an idea but I'm not sure?

Oral sex reference.

I was gonna use some fancy euphemism but let's call a spade a spade 😂

queenofthenorthwest · 08/05/2021 10:45

Thank you I thought it meant that but I just thought I had a dirty mind!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/05/2021 10:46

Lol at "breathe through his ears" but agree with the others I think he's the father and he's lying to you.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 08/05/2021 10:48

@YouJustFoldItIn

All these people totally convinced the child is his. Why? What's his motive for lying here? He's only been with the OP a year an the child is a year old.

What difference would it make whether he admitted to having 3 biological kids or four? The child was conceived at least nine months before he got together the OP anyway. Confused

Because it means he was knocking around with the OP right at the point his wife was giving birth to their child.
RainyMayDay · 08/05/2021 10:52

No chance. If he wants to do this he does it by himself. I wouldn’t want to be part of this.

Magda72 · 08/05/2021 10:52

Jesus I can't believe the responses here either!!! He's not a good man - he's an idiot who's either being taken for the ride of his life (how long until the exw has another child she wants him to take responsibility for?) OR, he's a disgusting liar & the child is his.
Personally I'd bet the latter.
Either way @CalamityJay I would run as quickly as I could & not look back. This is a mess of a situation & you will be forever caught up in the drama of his previous marriage & it's outcomes.

You would be crazy to stay.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 08/05/2021 10:54

Good for him for taking the child on (probably his) not good lying on a BC

However getting involved with a man with 4 kids he's responsible for will cause you no end of
Heartache and aggro.
I'd get the hell out of there

Fireflygal · 08/05/2021 10:54

Is there a big age difference between you both? I just can't understand why you would want to get involved in this.

As someone else pointed out he hasn't had the emotional distance to be involved with you. Does your family and friends know his situation...I would hope they advise you as a single woman to find someone without this amount of baggage. I honestly can't see why you would get involved. I can see what's in it for him but not for you. Please don't say you love him....you had a choice and continue to have a choice who you get involved with.

So many women fall for men who have just left a marriage, they seem to be seduced by the victim story but keep in your mind he walked out when they had very young children. Have you heard from his wife that the baby isn't his? Chances are there are doubts and it could be him or the other man.

FindingMeno · 08/05/2021 10:56

If you are happy with the situation I think he's doing the right thing.

MariLwyd · 08/05/2021 10:57

*@littlepattilou

nimbuscloud
Is it not illegal to lie on a birth certificate?
It's not illegal to put the name of a man who is not the biological father, no...*

A quick google says that ‘knowingly making a false statement on a public document is a criminal offence, including naming someone who is not the biological father’

OwlTwitterings · 08/05/2021 10:57

He’s chosen for this child to be his, and I’d guess that biologically he really is the father. Regardless of the truth, he is correct that it will be damaging for all of the children for three to be treated differently when they will all see themselves as equal siblings.

It’s such early days of a relationship for you, especially if you are in the U.K. where the pandemic won’t really have given you a true idea of what this all involves. I’d find someone else.

Taikoo · 08/05/2021 10:58

Hope he's rich. He'll need a lot of spare cash for all this.

What a shitshow.
Run.
Surely you don't want to take this mess on?

BlueLobelia · 08/05/2021 10:59

Yes, it is illegal to knowingly lie about paternity on the birth certificate.

It potentially results in a custodial sentence.

OwlTwitterings · 08/05/2021 11:01

[quote MariLwyd]*@littlepattilou

nimbuscloud
Is it not illegal to lie on a birth certificate?
It's not illegal to put the name of a man who is not the biological father, no...*

A quick google says that ‘knowingly making a false statement on a public document is a criminal offence, including naming someone who is not the biological father’[/quote]
I’d be surprised if he is lying though. I suspect he realises saying he was still having sex with his wife within the last year (and the birth of his fourth child is evidence of it) meant he would have struggled to find someone wanting a relationship with him.

littlepattilou · 08/05/2021 11:02

@BlueLobelia

Yes, it is illegal to knowingly lie about paternity on the birth certificate.

It potentially results in a custodial sentence.

Where is your evidence for this?