Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child

342 replies

CalamityJay · 08/05/2021 01:58

TL:DR My partner wants to take on his ex-wife's 1yo child as if the child were his (shared custody, financial support, telling everyone the child is biologically both of theirs). I don't think this is a good idea.

My partner has three children (7, 5, 3) with his ex-wife. While they were separated (but not yet divorced) his now-ex-wife got pregnant with someone else. The child's dad split before the child was born and apparently my partner's ex has no contact details for him.

My partner agreed to put his name on the birth certificate and to financially support this child along with those he shares with his ex. Up until now, my understanding was that that would be the extent of his contribution but now my partner wanted to take on the child (now 1yo) as his own in all respects. He thinks it would be unfair for three out of four children to go to their dad's twice a month and for one to be left behind. He and his ex-wife have now agreed to tell family and friends that the fourth child is both of theirs.

I think this entire situation is horribly unfair on the child whichever way you cut it; however, I don't feel this is my partner's issue to resolve, and I don't think lying and covering up the reality of the situation will be helpful to anyone, including the child once they're of an age to question anything like that.

For context, I have no children of my own so I am inexperienced in this area and don't feel well-placed to negotiate this situation. I have suggested that my partner and hix ex-wife seek mediation or counselling, but I don't think either are interested in that as the divorce was relatively recent and acrimonious. In the meantime, I don't know where this leaves me. Taking on three step-children down the line was one thing but this feels like my partner just had a baby with his ex.

Does anyone have any advice or experience with something similar to this?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 08/05/2021 09:54

husband and wife have named him as the child's father when they registered the birth. That means he has accepted paternity and all the obligations that go with it, including financial support to age 18, he also has the right to seek shared custody. The child now has the same inheritance rights (from DP) as his other children.

His ex did not need to do that. Had she registered the child with no named father, it would have the same (married) surname as her other children. Your partner could still contribute financially.

I very much suspect the child IS your DP's and he's concealing from you his real matrital status. That he and his wife are still together, there is no divorce pending .... and you've been strung along.

cordelia16 · 08/05/2021 09:57

@dragoncena

Very noble and selfless of him, but what if the ex has another child with a feckless man? Where will your partner draw the line?
Exactly what I was going to say.
Doireallyneedaname · 08/05/2021 09:58

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

In all honesty it does sound like the baby is his.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 08/05/2021 10:01

I don't know why people are saying this man is noble even if what he is saying is true, which is highly unlikely. He is willing to put himself in a committed relationship before he is divorced and whilst still navigating the end of his marriage. He is discrediting you, he impregnated his wife whilst with you. Nobody has mentioned the potential genetic complications of lying about paternity. If the child has any medical conditions it will all blow up. However it seems obvious to an outsider he is the actual father. You need to wish him well and move on

Livelovebehappy · 08/05/2021 10:01

Sounds like a good guy. Leave them to make the decision. You’re not married to him, and so shouldn’t get too invested in what they decide to do. You have no commitment to him, no DCs with him, so guess if you don’t like the idea, you can just walk away?

littlepattilou · 08/05/2021 10:01

@CalamityJay He sounds like a good, caring, responsible man, who is going over and above the call of duty.

I am sorry to say however, that I would be running at 100mph, away from this relationship, and fast........ You will never, and I mean NEVER be free of this woman, (your partner's ex,) and the FOUR children.

And the fact that you 'don't think it's a good idea' for your partner to take on this baby, means this relationship between you and him, coupled with the fact that he will never stop contact with his ex wife and the four kids, means it's is NOT going to work out for the two of you.

End it now.

Maggiesfarm · 08/05/2021 10:02

I think it is a very good thing to do and applaud him for it but whether or not you can cope with it is a different matter. You must think about it very carefully before you go any further with this man.

flashylamp · 08/05/2021 10:04

Noble men don't lie on legal documents. WjT in earth is wrong with people thinking this man is fucking 'noble' Hmm

HappydaysArehere · 08/05/2021 10:06

If this is a long term relationship do you envisage having children of your own and will he want this. Are you in love with him or perhaps just building a relationship. If it’s the latter then you can reconsider if you can live with the situation.

gottakeeponmovin · 08/05/2021 10:07

Agree with the majority it is a selfless gesture but I would leave him to it

nimbuscloud · 08/05/2021 10:08

Is it not illegal to lie on a birth certificate?

MindTheBumps · 08/05/2021 10:09

I think it's lovely of him to take the child on as his own and treat it the same as his siblings. The lying part could get messy but that's between them.

I think if you like him just take it really slowly, date for a long time and see how things pan out. It's only been a year there is no rush to marry or live together. Just see how you feel and walk away of you don't like it.

Do you want children of your own? That would be the deal breaker there for me because you are unlikely to get them from this man surely?

custardbear · 08/05/2021 10:13

He's probably doing right by the children and good for him.
However if this doesn't work for you then you need to reevaluate what you want from life. With 4 children already to support, does he want children with you and do you with him?

littlepattilou · 08/05/2021 10:14

@nimbuscloud

Is it not illegal to lie on a birth certificate?
It's not illegal to put the name of a man who is not the biological father, no...
Bimblingaway · 08/05/2021 10:14

Jesus, I would have run at the mention of 3 kids let alone the additional ‘is he yours
/is he not’ kid. Whether he’s the father or not, you are in for a world of pain. Do yourself a favour and move on, this will not be a easy ride.

SionnachGlic · 08/05/2021 10:16

He can be the 1 yr old's Dad but also tell her the truth that he is not her/his father at an age appropriate time. I once or twice jad reason to think how hard/sad it might be for a couple of kids to go off for visitation & one to get left behind. I think it is admirable, he sounds v caring & obviously has a connection with this baby & feels this is the right thing.... so up to you if you can live with it or not.

whatnextdandelions · 08/05/2021 10:17

I would do the same as the dad, in that I would take him on. Letting people believe that he is the dad isnt a big issue imo, it saves the kid from being gossiped about. In due course they need to tell him the truth - this happens in families, but the only difference is that they are now divorced.
It is his call not yours, and I think he is doing a good thing. It is not the kids fault after all. He will be giving that child a more stable up bringing that it would get if it thought it was the odd one out.

Killahangilion · 08/05/2021 10:17

C’mon OP.

He’s a Liar.

He’s either lying to you about not being the child’s Bio dad or

He’s lying to the child about being his Bio dad.

Either way, he’s happy to lie about a child’s parentage as if it’s no big deal.

What sort of man does that?

Likeliest explanation is that he is the child’s Bio dad. If he was so altruistic, there’s nothing stopping him acting like a father and having the child visit when he has the other 3 as the children are siblings, after all.

Lovethesun100 · 08/05/2021 10:18

I don't see this as horribly unfair on the child ? In fact I would think it gives him /her an fabulously secure, inclusive family unit to grow up in. I don't know if or when the child needs to know your DP isn't actually his/her bio father ? Hurtful at any time I would imagine.
Isn't this what Bob Geldof did ?
Does your DP blame himself in some way for his ex having the affair ?
However from your point of view, does this man really have the time, money, resources to put into a relationship with you ? Particularly if you want your own DC's.

funinthesun19 · 08/05/2021 10:19

I think he sounds like a great guy! Not many men would do this, it would actually make me more interested in someone!

He’s really not a great guy. I find it cringey that people find him so amazing.

Angelica789 · 08/05/2021 10:22

I think it’s his child. They weren’t together but had sex anyway. He doesn’t want to tell you because it means he was sleeping with his ex up until you got together. He wanted you to believe there was a clear break.

That’s not a great excuse for his lie but once he started it he struggled to backtrack.

Viviennemary · 08/05/2021 10:23

I'd say the child was quite possibly his. But even if it isn't its up to him what he does. I would walk away. Its not going to be an easy situation. I think the best advice is to call it a day and find somebody else.

Gymsmile21 · 08/05/2021 10:23

I think you might find the baby IS his.

Ociana · 08/05/2021 10:26

I would be assuming the baby is his too.

Does his 'ex' wife even know about you?

nimbuscloud · 08/05/2021 10:26

Isn't this what Bob Geldof did ?

Bob Geldif didn’t lie about the parentage of Paula Yates youngest daughter.

Swipe left for the next trending thread