My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

If you take on a relationship that involves them living with you, even part time, you take on the parenting role.

Another case of step parents being unable to win. I’ve seen plenty of SM lambasted on here for “taking over the parenting role”, now they’re being called out for not doing so.

While I don’t 100% agree with the presents. I can see where OP is coming from, SC get treated by their own mum with DC excluded so why not the same at OP house. I don’t always treat SC to presents like I do DC but I don’t do it in front of SC if I do...on the other hand, SC will innocently tell us if mum has treated her to something special and I could understand if this led to a pang of jealousy from DC. I think every family is different, as long as children are on the whole happy then that’s all that matters

@KaleSlayer

Because I'm interested. If you're not, feel free to not contribute further to the discussion.

I’ll contribute to any thread I want to. I think you want to be goady, that’s your choice.

My guess is that things aren’t quite as great as you’re painting them, they rarely are with blended families.

Bore off.

@KaleSlayer

Because I'm interested. If you're not, feel free to not contribute further to the discussion.

I’ll contribute to any thread I want to. I think you want to be goady, that’s your choice.

My guess is that things aren’t quite as great as you’re painting them, they rarely are with blended families.

Yes of course you are, but you asked me why I posted then asked me why I cared... I answered. If you don't care, you don't have to post?

On the same note OP can start any thread she wants too.

She can. I can ask why.

@KaleSlayer

On the same note OP can start any thread she wants too.

She can. I can ask why.

Whats the point in asking if you're going to disbelieve her answer and continue to pick at her?

@KaleSlayer

On the same note OP can start any thread she wants too.

She can. I can ask why.

And so can OP. Are you enjoying this circular route?

Yes of course you are, but you asked me why I posted then asked me why I cared... I answered. If you don't care, you don't have to post?

I’m interested. Same as you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I come to it from a different side as DD isn't treated any differently from her sister by her step parent/grandparents/aunts/uncle etc.

However, I don't think there is an issue with you taking your kids away with your family at all. I would if their Dad was going also.

Regarding days out, again I don't think there is a problem with you going out for the day on a day you don't have your SC, I do think it would be really crap for the kids if you took yours somewhere all the children would enjoy and left your SC at home but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

I'm so grateful DD1 is treated exactly the same and will be in terms of inheritance and suchlike but it's a different situation, and there isn't anything wrong with your set up.

I am wondering why you started the thread though? Did someone say you were being unfair?

@KaleSlayer

Yes of course you are, but you asked me why I posted then asked me why I cared... I answered. If you don't care, you don't have to post?

I’m interested. Same as you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So what’s the difficulty in your understanding?

Ah apologies, I took a break mid type and see the conversation has moved beyond my question.

"DH tells me not to be “jealous” which I don’t consider it is.

So I suppose this ties back to the OP in that I’m expected to put up with my own DC being left out and feeling disappointed in the interests of DSS."

Oh I wouldn't like my DH telling me that!
I agree it's not jealousy she just shouldn't be doing it.
And yes I understand but honestly I don't think you should go along with it.
See if she does it next time or if she thinks more and treats your child too.
But honestly you are well within your rights to speak up on how it's not a very nice thing to do.

If you take on a relationship that involves them living with you, even part time, you take on the parenting role.

I was told very bluntly by DSS’ Mum that I was not his Mother and that any parenting matters were not my concern. I think that’s a pretty normal stance from a Mother and actually, a step parent assuming a parenting role is more unusual. I remember being really taken aback that she thought I wanted a parenting role, I didn’t and still don’t. Too many cooks as they say! Oddly when she met her now husband, she now refers to DSS’ “four” parents. So now I’ve apparently been upgraded.

And so can OP. Are you enjoying this circular route?

Are you?

The thing is, people have all sorts of expectations and make judgements of others. These aren’t really an issue to people unless they think these people have a point.

I am wondering why you started the thread though? Did someone say you were being unfair?

Because I see things like this being called unfair all the time on here. I've been called selfish, a horrible person, wicked SM just on this thread alone. So yes I'm interested in whether anyone else things this whole 'treat like your own' is ridiculous and whether other SPs prioritise their own DC whether it's strictly 'fair and equal' or not.

I personally don't think it's my job, all the time, to ensure everything is completely fair and equal. An example, not something that's necessarily happened but an easy example, if I saw something my DC would like and bought it them I'm not going to concern myself over whether or not that's fair and equal between them all (I'm not talking when all kids are there and buying one an ice cream and not the others), if I want to treat my DC I will. DH is welcome to do the same for his if he wants but I won't not do things for my DC because it's not strictly 'fair'.

DinoHat

Shame that promotion doesn't come with a pay rise

@Thisnamewasnttaken123 I am gearing up to tackle it. There will be a next time it’s routine for her. She offers to have DSS at her house everytime he’s with his Dad, that’s difficult enough as DS is putting his shoes on to go with, but to return him with gifts etc just means it all spills back to our house. Rubbing his nose in it a bit.

@Iyland

Ah apologies, I took a break mid type and see the conversation has moved beyond my question.

X posted sorry!

Again I don't see how that's unfair. It's really no different from me taking my eldest somewhere his sister just wouldn't enjoy or me treating my youngest to something because she happens to be with me.

I don't really get that caught up about keeping my own kids equal because it all evens out in the end.

I'm sorry you've been name called for really something that is quite normal.

@Iyland

DinoHat

Shame that promotion doesn't come with a pay rise

No - just a load of admin and a group chat. I declined.

Her sister not his*

I don't really get that caught up about keeping my own kids equal because it all evens out in the end

I think this is part of the problem tbh. Higher expectations of SPs than people would even have of parents.

"My in laws also treat my son, their blood grandchild like a second class citizen. Weird."

Same here.
No presents at Xmas or birthdays not even an acknowledgement of their existence.
MIL hasn't even met my kids (her grandchildren) and FIL's only met one.
Yet DSS is fully acknowledged.
The only in-laws my children had limited contact with (once a year) was my DHs grandparents but as I say after that incident I took a step back.

As my DH has said all along they aren't worth it, it took me a long while to get my head around people being so cold towards their own grand children but actually he was right they aren't..

Because I see things like this being called unfair all the time on here. I've been called selfish, a horrible person, wicked SM just on this thread alone. So yes I'm interested in whether anyone else things this whole 'treat like your own' is ridiculous and whether other SPs prioritise their own DC whether it's strictly 'fair and equal' or not.

But if you think you are doing the right thing and everyone is happy, you will do better to just ignore anyone who says these things.

You don’t sound wicked or horrible to anyone vaguely ‘normal’. I would probably do a few things different to you if I was a step mum, but that wouldn’t make my way right. If you are genuinely kind to the children and don’t deliberately leave them out of things, encourage a good relationship with their father and between all the children, then all is well.

@KaleSlayer

Because I'm interested. If you're not, feel free to not contribute further to the discussion.

I’ll contribute to any thread I want to. I think you want to be goady, that’s your choice.

My guess is that things aren’t quite as great as you’re painting them, they rarely are with blended families.

Lot of guesses on your part there! I'm the same as OP, pretty happy and non-dramatic set up much like the one described here. I've had less and less to post about over the years, and would no doubt not be on here anymore had I not been exposed to the highly judgemental and damaging attitudes on here. Those are what compel me to keep reading and commenting. An interest in tackling public opinion can be more than enough.

It's interesting that you assume OP must have been being goady to posters like you who don't think like this, rather than supportive of the other set of posters who do. Shows a certain level of self absorption.

Higher expectations of SPs than people would even have of parents.

I do agree that’s sometimes the case with some people. But again, if you know you’re being kind, look out for the kids, behave in a mature way etc, you have to just ignore these people with their stupid expectations. Much of it comes from trouble between the exes, jealousy etc.