My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

@Wroxie
Your post is so riddled with opinion presented as facts with no regard whatsoever for the simple fact that people/families/relationships come in all shapes and sizes.
My opinion is that children are best served being brought up understanding their family and relationships for what they are. My opinion is based on what my DH shared with me about his own experiences as a step child on both sides. He doesn't need or want me to "treat DSD as my own" as he and his ex have the parenting covered.
I'm not sure it's anyone's place to declare anyone else "evil" for having different perspectives on what their own family relationships should be.
In short, fucking well calm down dear.

@Wroxie

Aside from the inheritance thing, you are being completely unreasonable and selfish about treating them in any way that is unfair to the stepchildren or that makes them feel less valued or less safe or less loved. They are children. You're an adult. If you take on a relationship that involves them living with you, even part time, you take on the parenting role. If you can't bring yourself not to behave like an evil stepmother in a fairy tale then you should fucking well stay single or only date childless men.

And the posters saying, basically, 'the step-kids mum doesn't care about my kids so I don't care about hers' - are you actually serious? You aren't mature enough to be in charge of a goldfish much less multiple children.

The consequence of that though is that the resident DC have their life effectively put on hold during non contact time. How is that “fair?”

"I remember years ago my DS going to his Dads for Boxing Day - they were going to spend the day with his then wife's family. There was a pile of presents for DS's half siblings and step brother and nothing for him. TBH I never encouraged his Dad to ask for Christmas again (I wouldn't have said no, but I used to ask him in November if he'd like to see him). I don't overally blame his ex wife's family, although I wouldn't have done it, but I do blame his Dad for putting DS in that position."

That's horrible,
My family would never do that.

The gift was so cheap but fascinating for my little girl that I felt so cross that she would do that to her she could have given them to my stepchild any other time when she sees him but she chose to make a big deal out of it and announce at the end of our visit that she had got him some just before we left.

If she was only going to gift something to blood relatives she left out my other children that are blood related to her anyway.
So I just put it down to the fact she's a bit of a nob.
Then told my DC that yes it wasn't very kind and that I will get them some myself.

I think you are right and I'm not a step mum, but my kids have a step mum who I fully expect to prioritise her own daughter over my two.
I think that any time your step kids are there then all children are treat equally, but this should be facilitated by their dad. I know of a step parent who took all the kids to the park but only bought her own kid an ice cream, that's mean (a relative was the left out step child). Or planning days out when DSC are meant to be visiting then cancelling their visit because you dont want to take them out too. When the DSC aren't with you, crack on and do as you wish. When they are with you, it's up to their dad to pay the DSC share of any costs involved in treating/ feeding / entertaining them.

treating them in any way that is unfair

What is unfair about anything I'm doing? Seriously please tell me? My DSC have a mother, my DC have a mother. They all share the same father. So long as that father treats them all equally I don't see why I can't do things alone with or for my DC that I wouldn't do with or for DSC.

People spout about unfairness but don't explain why it's unfair.

Ps. I agree re opening tonnes of presents in front of DSC, we wouldn't. But I wouldn't expect my parents for example to spend exactly the same on all the DC. They don't see or know my DSC that much and it is not the same relationship in any way. Our DC would open their presents at their grandparents house anyway usually and when DSC aren't there but I'm not going to expect exactly the same from them. They are allowed to spoil their grandchild a little if they want as DSCs grandparents do them. I won't take that away from my DC.

And I didn't say I never treat my DSC or think about things they'd like.

I said the desire or thoughts about doing so don't come as frequently or naturally as they do for my DC. Surely that's entirely normal?

Funny thing is everyone gets so upset at the thought of a situation like this and the 'poor neglected DSC with the wicked SM'...

Except my DSC are happy kids who get on well with me and genuinely have a good relationship with their half sibling, I get on with their Mum etc... And I'm honestly convinced it's because I've never tried to act like some people expect SPs to on here.

"My MIL often take DSS for the day and he comes back with new clothes and toys, just for my DS to witness it all. They’re both her grandchildren. My parents don’t behave like that and DSS isn’t their blood grandchild. It’s bizarre to flaunt stuff in front of them. If that where the case I’d have the respective child open their gifts away from the others."

My Mum's the same she always treats them all equally when she sees them even where DSS isn't her blood relative he's still only a child and it's mean to leave kids out.
Your MIL sounds really out of order, I would tell her it's out of order if it was done repeatedly.
When this happened I really kicked myself afterwards for not addressing her and telling her I thought she was being unkind.
I wouldnt tolerate it again.

@MarkUp

And I didn't say I never treat my DSC or think about things they'd like.

I said the desire or thoughts about doing so don't come as frequently or naturally as they do for my DC. Surely that's entirely normal?

It is.

[quote Youseethethingis]@Wroxie
Your post is so riddled with opinion presented as facts with no regard whatsoever for the simple fact that people/families/relationships come in all shapes and sizes.
My opinion is that children are best served being brought up understanding their family and relationships for what they are. My opinion is based on what my DH shared with me about his own experiences as a step child on both sides. He doesn't need or want me to "treat DSD as my own" as he and his ex have the parenting covered.
I'm not sure it's anyone's place to declare anyone else "evil" for having different perspectives on what their own family relationships should be.
In short, fucking well calm down dear.[/quote]
Well said!

So if everything is so great, why are you posting?

"Ps. I agree re opening tonnes of presents in front of DSC, we wouldn't. But I wouldn't expect my parents for example to spend exactly the same on all the DC. They don't see or know my DSC that much and it is not the same relationship in any way. Our DC would open their presents at their grandparents house anyway usually and when DSC aren't there but I'm not going to expect exactly the same from them. They are allowed to spoil their grandchild a little if they want as DSCs grandparents do them. I won't take that away from my DC."

Yes I understand that.

"I said the desire or thoughts about doing so don't come as frequently or naturally as they do for my DC. Surely that's entirely normal?"

Yes that's normal.

@KaleSlayer

So if everything is so great, why are you posting?

She's asking if anyone has been through the same. That's okay, you know. This isn't aibu.

@KaleSlayer

So if everything is so great, why are you posting?

I asked if anyone felt that SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own from reading on here.

@KaleSlayer

So if everything is so great, why are you posting?

To dissect the popular attitudes on here, presumably.

My MIL often take DSS for the day and he comes back with new clothes and toys, just for my DS to witness it all. They’re both her grandchildren. My parents don’t behave like that and DSS isn’t their blood grandchild. It’s bizarre to flaunt stuff in front of them. If that where the case I’d have the respective child open their gifts away from the others.

Yes, my mil does this with DSD. I don't think she realises but it's really weird. When we were last all together on a day out she bought her an ice cream (I was in the loo) and didn't get one for DS who is also her grandchild. He was obviously very upset about this so I went and got one for him. At the time I was more surprised that she spent money in my presence, usually it's up to me to buy everything on day trips.

I asked if anyone felt that SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own from reading on here.

But if everyone is genuinely happy, who cares?

@KaleSlayer

I asked if anyone felt that SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own from reading on here.

But if everyone is genuinely happy, who cares?

Because I'm interested. If you're not, feel free to not contribute further to the discussion.

My in laws also treat my son, their blood grandchild like a second class citizen. Weird.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

"My MIL often take DSS for the day and he comes back with new clothes and toys, just for my DS to witness it all. They’re both her grandchildren. My parents don’t behave like that and DSS isn’t their blood grandchild. It’s bizarre to flaunt stuff in front of them. If that where the case I’d have the respective child open their gifts away from the others."

My Mum's the same she always treats them all equally when she sees them even where DSS isn't her blood relative he's still only a child and it's mean to leave kids out.
Your MIL sounds really out of order, I would tell her it's out of order if it was done repeatedly.
When this happened I really kicked myself afterwards for not addressing her and telling her I thought she was being unkind.
I wouldnt tolerate it again.

Yes DS is getting aware of it now, I’ve let it lie for a long while as he was too small to understand. But now he’s a toddler and he sees DSS’ new toys enter the home and wants to play. It’s starting to cause arguments. Last time I had to remove the toys and hide them because DSS kept telling my DS that he can’t have them and was putting it in front of his face.

MIL said “oh I should have bought DS something” so she has atleast gained some awareness.

DH tells me not to be “jealous” which I don’t consider it is.

So I suppose this ties back to the OP in that I’m expected to put up with my own DC being left out and feeling disappointed in the interests of DSS.

And I'm honestly convinced it's because I've never tried to act like some people expect SPs to on here
There's few things guaranteed in life

1. death
2. taxes
3. if I started behaving as if DSD was my daughter, her mother would have gone nuclear and that would have been the end of our friendly, mutually respectful relationship
4. DSD would hate that, she gets enough mothering from her own mother and the fact is I'd do it completely differently

Because I'm interested. If you're not, feel free to not contribute further to the discussion.

I’ll contribute to any thread I want to. I think you want to be goady, that’s your choice.

My guess is that things aren’t quite as great as you’re painting them, they rarely are with blended families.

It's selfish to say a child of a second family can never go away with just their mummy and daddy.
Because the child of the first family is allowed to go away with their parent and SF if they have one.
If the Step child is the one in a richer family that child will already be having a better life due to being older, maybe both parents working and the dad pay maintenance.
While the new family may have a SAHM and reduced income for the dad.

@KaleSlayer

Because I'm interested. If you're not, feel free to not contribute further to the discussion.

I’ll contribute to any thread I want to. I think you want to be goady, that’s your choice.

My guess is that things aren’t quite as great as you’re painting them, they rarely are with blended families.

On the same note OP can start any thread she wants too.