My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

My DC is my husband's DC.

Yes I know. That doesn’t affect my point at all. Even as a single childless woman I didn’t go near a man with children. Because I knew I couldn’t ever treat those children the same as my own future children. Did you expect to feel differently to how you now do?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

My DC is my husband's DC.

Yes I know. That doesn’t affect my point at all. Even as a single childless woman I didn’t go near a man with children. Because I knew I couldn’t ever treat those children the same as my own future children. Did you expect to feel differently to how you now do?

Well my point is I don't think you need to treat them as your own children. I never have and get on with them perfectly well.

If it was something like a big day out to a theme park or similar, I would try to plan it for when all the kids were with me though. personally I'd try and plan it for when the SC weren't here if I was just paying for my DC. But if they were here and I wanted to do something but their dad was being tight/a bit broke this month and wouldn't pay for them then I'd pay for my DC by myself and explain dad couldn't afford it this month. Why should my child miss out.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

My DC is my husband's DC.

Yes I know. That doesn’t affect my point at all. Even as a single childless woman I didn’t go near a man with children. Because I knew I couldn’t ever treat those children the same as my own future children. Did you expect to feel differently to how you now do?

It’s such an odd notion to treat them as “your own” when you consider child development and secure attachments step parents aren’t at all necessary.

I've been on holiday without my own DC. What's wrong with that?

Nothing wrong, if that’s what you choose. For me, I wouldn’t want to go on holiday without my children if other children were there.
I’ve seen people in real life do it and the kids have resented it.

MarkUp agreed. If I treated my SC as my own they would be so confused!

personally I'd try and plan it for when the SC weren't here if I was just paying for my DC. But if they were here and I wanted to do something but their dad was being tight/a bit broke this month and wouldn't pay for them then I'd pay for my DC by myself and explain dad couldn't afford it this month. Why should my child miss out.

If dad wasn’t going, fair enough. But if dad was going and not taking all his children, I think that causes problems.

I don't think there should ever be an expectation that step parents should treat children as their own. My DH does, and has done since DS1 was little, and to be honest thank god he has as DS's Dad has never been a great father figure. I know I'm lucky though that he has done that, I never had an expectation that he would - just that he would treat DS kindly - but instead he's been a brilliant person in his life. I think we're in the minority though which is fair enough.
I'm not sure if we separated and I met someone else that I'd be able to treat the children the same as my boys. I'd definitely be nice to them, but I wouldn't be confident that I'd treat them the same...?!

I'm not sure if we separated and I met someone else that I'd be able to treat the children the same as my boys. I'd definitely be nice to them, but I wouldn't be confident that I'd treat them the same...?!

Honestly with some things I genuinely don't think it's possible to. For example, they just aren't in the forefront of my mind like my DC is. I don't walk through the shops and see things and think 'oh X and Y would love that' the same as I do with my DC, or see an event on and think oh I want to take DSC to that. Same for things like birthdays or whatever, there's always things popping into my mind about how I can make it special for DC. I just don't have the same thoughts with DSC. Not because I don't want them to have nice things obviously, I just don't naturally think about it as much as my own.

From the point of view that I have step siblings

Mostly we are treated differently but even when the parents are being un reasonable, we don't tend to fall out. We team up and roll our eyes.

My step sisters get huge financial benefits beyond what my blood siblings and I do from our parents marriage.

However, we all now have 2 children each and grandparents are blissed out. We have holidayed all together in recent years which has been fab.

The children are all equal grandchildren and cousins however.

The inheritance is clear of the % gained being 50 50 but there are 2 step siblings v 3 blood siblings.

Having half siblings does complicate a bit but yours is yours, his is his and together is ours.

I see nothing wrong with your set up.

@KaleSlayer

personally I'd try and plan it for when the SC weren't here if I was just paying for my DC. But if they were here and I wanted to do something but their dad was being tight/a bit broke this month and wouldn't pay for them then I'd pay for my DC by myself and explain dad couldn't afford it this month. Why should my child miss out.

If dad wasn’t going, fair enough. But if dad was going and not taking all his children, I think that causes problems.

If it was on our time with the and I wanted to take DC but dad was being tight/couldn't afford it this month I wouldn't be paying for him. He can stay at home with SC and have a DVD night or something.

If it was on our time with the and I wanted to take DC but dad was being tight/couldn't afford it this month I wouldn't be paying for him. He can stay at home with SC and have a DVD night or something.

Fair enough.

I wouldn’t put up with someone being tight though, especially with children.

I would and do if he is budgeting for something eg. New musical instrument for christmas. It's just different priorities. I value experiences more he values extracurricular activities more.

I 100 agree if a child has 2 parents they are the ones who provide for that child.
Two families means different lifestyles.
You can't make a Stepmum finance for a child born to another mother.
If the Dad earns more then hopefully when they split up he still includes the first family if he can afford it, but no one has a right to say the second family should suffer.

(Their mother takes them to theme park etc so they aren't missing out on anything, their dad just likes to encourage their music/horse riding lessons)

I would and do if he is budgeting for something eg. New musical instrument for christmas. It's just different priorities. I value experiences more he values extracurricular activities more.

Budgeting for something else for the kids is different to being tight though. You said tight.

Also, I think the kids should get a choice in whether they want experiences or extracurricular activities, then they’ll understand they don’t get to go to the theme park as they want guitar lessons or whatever.

I completely agree with you OP. Your SC have a mum of their own. They have maternal grandparents and extended family. As long as you treat them with care, respect and support their relationship with their father and half sibling, you are fulfilling your responsibility as an adult in their lives.

@KaleSlayer

I would and do if he is budgeting for something eg. New musical instrument for christmas. It's just different priorities. I value experiences more he values extracurricular activities more.

Budgeting for something else for the kids is different to being tight though. You said tight.

Also, I think the kids should get a choice in whether they want experiences or extracurricular activities, then they’ll understand they don’t get to go to the theme park as they want guitar lessons or whatever.

Yeah I agree, children need to understand they can't have everything!

I agree with you mostly Op.
The only thing I would be mindful of is with presents, for example I wouldn't have my DC open up more presents in front of stepchild.
Or if DC received gifts from family and stepchild didn't I wouldn't again have it happen in front of my stepchild. ( My family don't tend to leave my stepchild out)
My DHs family have given a gift to my stepchild in front of my DC some of my DC being blood related and some not but my kids have never known any different as DH was there since they were tiny.
The small gift was something my own child said 'wow' to and there were multiple of these which could have been shared but My DHs relative gave them all to my stepchild.
I thought it was mean and I wouldn't do that to any child to be honest.
They were extremely inexpensive and there was no need for DHs relative to do it, she said 'no you can't have them they are all stepchilds"

My Children don't see that relative very often only say once a year so it was a shame they chose to make such a point that stepchild who they see more often was more important.
I rarely speak to them now, it put me off of them it was such a twatty thing to do.

I was totally on your side until you said kids are half siblings to your dc

I totally get your perspective- I'd feel the same but doesn't it put your H in a tricky spot?

I support your position totally re finances and inheritance and why should you not do things with your dc etc but where is the line drawn ?

As a 'mature' adult I'm in the position of your SDCs. Step mother was so gleeful when her first grandchild was born though she phrased it as "our first grandchild". That was incredibly rude and dismissive of the existing 2 grandsons.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

I agree with you mostly Op. The only thing I would be mindful of is with presents, for example I wouldn't have my DC open up more presents in front of stepchild. Or if DC received gifts from family and stepchild didn't I wouldn't again have it happen in front of my stepchild. ( My family don't tend to leave my stepchild out) My DHs family have given a gift to my stepchild in front of my DC some of my DC being blood related and some not but my kids have never known any different as DH was there since they were tiny. The small gift was something my own child said 'wow' to and there were multiple of these which could have been shared but My DHs relative gave them all to my stepchild. I thought it was mean and I wouldn't do that to any child to be honest. They were extremely inexpensive and there was no need for DHs relative to do it, she said 'no you can't have them they are all stepchilds"

My Children don't see that relative very often only say once a year so it was a shame they chose to make such a point that stepchild who they see more often was more important.
I rarely speak to them now, it put me off of them it was such a twatty thing to do.

I agree with you, I think the problem is- esp young children- look at the world in a it's not fair way, they won't necessarily understand that because they aren't blood related they don't get things etc. As far as most are concerned it's just not fair and they are being left out. Thankfully (or hopefully!) most have more of an understanding as they get older, about family dynamics and also that just because someone else has got something, doesn't mean they should too..

I remember years ago my DS going to his Dads for Boxing Day - they were going to spend the day with his then wife's family. There was a pile of presents for DS's half siblings and step brother and nothing for him. TBH I never encouraged his Dad to ask for Christmas again (I wouldn't have said no, but I used to ask him in November if he'd like to see him). I don't overally blame his ex wife's family, although I wouldn't have done it, but I do blame his Dad for putting DS in that position.

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

I agree with you mostly Op. The only thing I would be mindful of is with presents, for example I wouldn't have my DC open up more presents in front of stepchild. Or if DC received gifts from family and stepchild didn't I wouldn't again have it happen in front of my stepchild. ( My family don't tend to leave my stepchild out) My DHs family have given a gift to my stepchild in front of my DC some of my DC being blood related and some not but my kids have never known any different as DH was there since they were tiny. The small gift was something my own child said 'wow' to and there were multiple of these which could have been shared but My DHs relative gave them all to my stepchild. I thought it was mean and I wouldn't do that to any child to be honest. They were extremely inexpensive and there was no need for DHs relative to do it, she said 'no you can't have them they are all stepchilds"

My Children don't see that relative very often only say once a year so it was a shame they chose to make such a point that stepchild who they see more often was more important.
I rarely speak to them now, it put me off of them it was such a twatty thing to do.

My MIL often take DSS for the day and he comes back with new clothes and toys, just for my DS to witness it all. They’re both her grandchildren. My parents don’t behave like that and DSS isn’t their blood grandchild. It’s bizarre to flaunt stuff in front of them. If that where the case I’d have the respective child open their gifts away from the others.

Enough of the personal attacks.