My DC will always be my priority

[MarkUp]

Does anyone else read things on here sometimes and feel like SPs are expected to prioritise their DSC over their own DC?

I feel it from my own husband sometimes too.

But I refuse. My DC will always, always be my priority, yes I love them more, yes I care more, and yes I want to treat them more.

I will take them on holiday if I can afford to whether or not DH can afford to take his DC. I'll not make them save all fun and days out for when their half siblings are here. I will not reduce any inheritance they receive so it can be split 'equally'. I will not tell my parents they can't buy more presents at Christmas and birthdays for their own grandchild. I will not stop treating them to nice things if I want to just because I can't afford 3 lots of it.

But if you think you are doing the right thing and everyone is happy, you will do better to just ignore anyone who says these things

I do think I'm doing the right thing. I still have an interest in people's views and why they think like this though, especially since reading this board. It's full of judgemental nonsense half the time and I'm curious about the subject.

OP you’re not a step parent. To be one, you actually have to be ‘parent’ like. Clue is in the name.
It’s a title to be earned. You spoke about your husband’s children in such a cold tone, until you was called out on your attitude towards them. Now you’re trying to make yourself sound more fair, too late.

My experience is very different to yours, OP. I spent the same for birthdays and Christmas on both my own DC and my DSD because anything else would be unfair. I didn't love her in the same way as my DC but I was determined to be fair.

When we could we took DSD on holiday with the other kids, but her mum wouldn't always let her. Her mum used to keep her away from her DF, claiming she was ill. We had to be very patient over a number of years.

DSD's mum was a very difficult woman. She always had financial problems due to chaotic spending. She was hard work for my DSD - at times even dangerous - and I felt it was really important for her security growing up that one of her parents/homes was calm and reliable. I also wanted to foster a strong bond between my DSD and her little brothers.

Roll on a few years and DH died of cancer when DC were still at primary school. Because of how we behaved my DSD saw my DC as siblings and the three of them supported each other in their loss.

DSD is married with kids now and my DC are adults. She and I are very close, as are the three of them. She's in my Will for a third of my estate.

Fostering closeness between the DC has paid off so richly. Even DSD's mum has mellowed now she sees her DD as just as important as my DC - she's family and this will always be true.

And I ignore it in the sense I'm not going to lose any sleep over someone here calling me a horrible person.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with questioning why someone thinks that from what I've wrote here. Because 9/10 people don't actually know why or can't explain it. I'm interested in why someone would think it was horrible to do any of the stuff in my posts or makes me a wicked SM in their view. I doubt they'll be back to tell us though unfortunately as people often like to throw their remarks in when they see it's a SM posting and then leave.

@Chailatteplease

OP you’re not a step parent. To be one, you actually have to be ‘parent’ like. Clue is in the name. It’s a title to be earned. You spoke about your husband’s children in such a cold tone, until you was called out on your attitude towards them. Now you’re trying to make yourself sound more fair, too late.

What was cold about my tone or what I said about my DSC?

"@Thisnamewasnttaken123 I am gearing up to tackle it. There will be a next time it’s routine for her. She offers to have DSS at her house everytime he’s with his Dad, that’s difficult enough as DS is putting his shoes on to go with, but to return him with gifts etc just means it all spills back to our house. Rubbing his nose in it a bit."

Ahh that's horrible!
You sound very tolerant.
I couldn't be.

I do think I'm doing the right thing. I still have an interest in people's views and why they think like this though, especially since reading this board. It's full of judgemental nonsense half the time and I'm curious about the subject.

Fair enough. I’m really not the enemy here. I think how you do things sounds fine, not that my opinion matters really, it’s your family and you can do things however you like.

I tend to think people only post if they feel judgements made against them are valid, but maybe that’s not the case for you.

Actually you are a step parent if you are married to the kids dad. That doesn't mean that you have to be parent-like in the same sense that their actual parents are.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I didn’t say a step parent has to be a parent in the same way as an actual parent. I said ‘parent’ like l.
IMO no one deserves a title of ‘parent’ if they don’t act, or even want to be one.

[quote Chailatteplease]@chocolatesaltyballs22 I didn’t say a step parent has to be a parent in the same way as an actual parent. I said ‘parent’ like l.
IMO no one deserves a title of ‘parent’ if they don’t act, or even want to be one.[/quote]
What comments has op made on any kind of practical parenting? None.

Absolutely none. So how you can ascertain your view is beyond me.

So what was it I said about my DSC that was cold?

I'm interested in why someone would think it was horrible to do any of the stuff in my posts or makes me a wicked SM in their view. I doubt they'll be back to tell us though unfortunately as people often like to throw their remarks in when they see it's a SM posting and then leave.

You could be perfect in every way and someone would judge you, because that’s what people do. Sometimes they’ll be trolls, sometimes they genuinely will think you’re doing things wrong because you’re not doing it their way. But again, if you’re comfortable with how you do things, you’ll do better to just take no notice.

I do think some people will never be happy with step parents regardless. Equally, I’ve known some step parents that seem determined to leave out their SC and are quite unkind about them. I don’t think you come across that way at all.

I do think some people will never be happy with step parents regardless

Agree which is why I keep asking people why they think I'm horrible, selfish, speaking coldly about DSC etc... But no one answers.

I'm sick of posters being made to feel shit by people on this board for perfectly normal things. I mean who else would be told prioritising your DC makes you a horrid person other than a SM? So think it's fair to call it out and ask people to explain why they think that way.

Obviously people judge anything and everything, I get your point. But I am interested in why people say these things about step parents (or husband's wives for those who think I don't deserve the 'title')

Of course you love your own child more but it's nice to be inclusive of everyone where possible and when everyone is under the same roof, just makes relationships better.

When DSC are with their mum, then is the time to do what you want to do with your own child and treat them etc. Doing that shouldn't be an issue as they are not being left out and are probably doing something nice with their mum.

Don't forget that your OH loves all the children the same, and should want to include them all and treat them equally where he can.

Agree which is why I keep asking people why they think I'm horrible, selfish, speaking coldly about DSC etc... But no one answers.

Well I’d say it says more about them as a person than you. They can’t really justify their judgements, not really.

But saying that, I do wonder why you feel the need to tell anyone that you prioritise you’re children. It’s like people that have to tell people that they love their kids more than their partner or ask who you’d save first from a burning building. Personally in my family, whoever needs me at any moment in time, I’m there for. We all play our part. I don’t feel the need to tell people who is more important, I find that whole concept a bit strange.

@Chailatteplease

OP you’re not a step parent. To be one, you actually have to be ‘parent’ like. Clue is in the name. It’s a title to be earned. You spoke about your husband’s children in such a cold tone, until you was called out on your attitude towards them. Now you’re trying to make yourself sound more fair, too late.

Yeah, no, that's not what it means. It just means being married to the parent. If you want to take the "honour" of the title away from people that you feel don't put in enough work and sacrifice for it, fine, but I don't think it will be as cutting a sting as you think it will. People refer to themselves as step parent in these circumstances because that is what it is known to mean, not because they are trying to stake a claim as a parental figure.

@KaleSlayer

Agree which is why I keep asking people why they think I'm horrible, selfish, speaking coldly about DSC etc... But no one answers.

Well I’d say it says more about them as a person than you. They can’t really justify their judgements, not really.

But saying that, I do wonder why you feel the need to tell anyone that you prioritise you’re children. It’s like people that have to tell people that they love their kids more than their partner or ask who you’d save first from a burning building. Personally in my family, whoever needs me at any moment in time, I’m there for. We all play our part. I don’t feel the need to tell people who is more important, I find that whole concept a bit strange.

I wouldn't in normal circumstances but clearly from this thread alone, you're expected not to when you're a SP.

People don't call your selfish, horrid and wicked because you love your child differently / more than your partner. It's not a thing. Not that I've seen anyway. It definitely is a 'thing' on the subject of SParenting though which is why I think it's okay to discuss it and say it.

But saying that, I do wonder why you feel the need to tell anyone that you prioritise you’re children. It’s like people that have to tell people that they love their kids more than their partner or ask who you’d save first from a burning building. Personally in my family, whoever needs me at any moment in time, I’m there for. We all play our part. I don’t feel the need to tell people who is more important, I find that whole concept a bit strange.

It probably has a lot to do with how much this exact line of thinking is used in reverse. People are constantly telling step parents where they should fall in a hierarchy, much like what you have described here. I do think it's unnecessary, but the conversation has as a result already been set up to include that way of thinking.

I don't think what OP is saying should need saying, at all. But on this forum it sadly does, as people are frequently torn to shreds for not going out of their way to treat and view their SC exactly like their own.

Exactly.

It’s a title afforded by way of marriage (I’m also happy to acknowledge it for co-habitees but I know that doesn’t sit with everyone). It’s not a title awarded on the basis of someone’s moral compass.

Completely agree with you OP.

I think it was cold the way you spoke about not thinking of your husband’s children, only your own when you see things. It was almost like you were proud of it, being goady.
Were you like this before you had your own child? Never thought of anything nice to do with them or buy for them? It’s such a basic thing to do for the children involved in your life. I have friends who treat my DC better.
Then your husband decided to have children with someone who couldn’t be arsed to think of his children?
I couldn’t be attracted to someone that spineless.

In my family, that’s how the title step parent is given. Not by marriage, but commitment and yes, it’s considered an honour.

Sorry that’s so difficult for so many of you to understand

@Chailatteplease

I think it was cold the way you spoke about not thinking of your husband’s children, only your own when you see things. It was almost like you were proud of it, being goady. Were you like this before you had your own child? Never thought of anything nice to do with them or buy for them? It’s such a basic thing to do for the children involved in your life. I have friends who treat my DC better. Then your husband decided to have children with someone who couldn’t be arsed to think of his children? I couldn’t be attracted to someone that spineless.

They have their dad to do that though don't they.

I couldn't be attracted to someone so judgemental tbh.

Chailatteplease that's a bit much.
It's normal to think of your own kids more.
They have two other parents thinking of them because they are their parents.
I don't think OP sounds cold at all.

@Chailatteplease

I think it was cold the way you spoke about not thinking of your husband’s children, only your own when you see things. It was almost like you were proud of it, being goady. Were you like this before you had your own child? Never thought of anything nice to do with them or buy for them? It’s such a basic thing to do for the children involved in your life. I have friends who treat my DC better. Then your husband decided to have children with someone who couldn’t be arsed to think of his children? I couldn’t be attracted to someone that spineless.

Can you at least read my posts before you contribute? I quite clearly said it's not a case of NEVER treating or thinking of DSC. Just that I don't naturally desire to or think about it as often as my DC.

But it's okay, keep twisting