Stay at home dad... who pays CMS??!?

[Britsmums11]

We are in a predicament. Childcare costs are out of control and we literally lose an entire wage on childcare and more . I am the higher earner and we can survive off my wages and at least DD aged 18months isn't passed from pillar to post and can have some stability . My husband thinks being a SAHD is the best option. But then do I have to pay for his son? If CMS do the calculation on my wages we'd be hand to mouth. Husband seems to think that's not the case .... but is it ?

timeisnotaline

Sorry I meant nobody saying they should pay maintenance if its 50/50 care. They should meet all costs during their time of course and I agree with you that I don't think OP is anticipating the real cost/will expect the Mum to keep footing the bill for those types of things.

It is not the case that I cannot afford £250 therefore, I want 50:50

Let me break it down, I cannot afford the CMS payment if it was calculated on my wage as the sole earner of the household. As a high earner I'd be giving up a substantial sum of my monthly salary.

However, I now know that's not case and I am legally required to hand nothing over.

For the £250 payment I am not required to handover nor would I want to but I could afford it , which is irrelevant. The 50:50 is preferable as DSS gets to spend time with his dad and sister. But it is that or nothing. Furthermore, he has a room already , we have clothes. He is here enough for him to only bring an odd toy from home he likes when he is here. I find astounding that the ex's club believe money is better over time spent with a parent. This is what's wrong.

If dss WANTS 50/50 that's great. If he doesn't, you have a problem.

And ffs the ex didn't tell my husband she was pregnant, she got a new relationship, that'
broke down then contacted my husband afterwards.

It was money motivated completely, and lack of male father figure.

@Britsmums11

And ffs the ex didn't tell my husband she was pregnant, she got a new relationship, that' broke down then contacted my husband afterwards.

It was money motivated completely, and lack of male father figure.

Still doesn't change the situation. If dss is happy with 50/50 there's zero issue, is there?

Another interesting drip feed though

OP could you answer what happens once your DD starts school nursery? Does 50/50 continue without your husband working or does he go back to work? If he does, do you pay for childcare etc?

If 50/50 works great. There is no issue. The issue is if 50/50 isn't possible for any reason.

If dss doesn't want to split his time 50/50, then your dh will not be able to be a sahp because he will still have a financial obligation.

Take the ex out of the equation. Focus on what dss wants to do and what is right for HIM.

Why cant you just continue paying the £250? It's hardly much and you wont have any childcare costs if your DH is at home.

@Britsmums11

It is not the case that I cannot afford £250 therefore, I want 50:50

Let me break it down, I cannot afford the CMS payment if it was calculated on my wage as the sole earner of the household. As a high earner I'd be giving up a substantial sum of my monthly salary.

However, I now know that's not case and I am legally required to hand nothing over.

For the £250 payment I am not required to handover nor would I want to but I could afford it , which is irrelevant. The 50:50 is preferable as DSS gets to spend time with his dad and sister. But it is that or nothing. Furthermore, he has a room already , we have clothes. He is here enough for him to only bring an odd toy from home he likes when he is here. I find astounding that the ex's club believe money is better over time spent with a parent. This is what's wrong.

Money versus time with parent is IMO not what's important, what is important is what your DSS wants.

A very close friend stood by and watched while he then boyfriend made a similar decision re his baby with a previous girlfriend. We warned her this wasn't a good sign of things to come. She also had tunnel vision. It took 20 years for it to come home to roost but it has and she now has 3 children who he doesn't pay for while he props up his new family.

@CandyLeBonBon

If dss doesn't want to split his time 50/50, then your dh will not be able to be a sahp because he will still have a financial obligation.

Take the ex out of the equation. Focus on what dss wants to do and what is right for HIM.

This exactly

The 50/50 is preferable as DSS gets to spend time with his dad and sister. But it is that or nothing

And you are proposing to pay 50% of DSS's expenses? Clubs, school uniform, school trips?

What if you get fed up with DSS living with you half the time? What if fetching him from school interrupts your baby's naptime? After all, your first priority is your DD. Might be better for your DH to focus on her entirely rather than having an annoying tween about the place interrupting your family life and eating everything.

@Britsmums11

Will you then need paying 50% of all clubs, sports, uniforms, birthday gifts for friends, pocket money plus half all the sundries needed for school etc?

So, from now, the split is 50% for everything?

@themalamander

OP, may I just ask your opinion about something in general.

If a woman is receiving child maintenance payments then does that mean she is not allowed to buy alcohol, go out with friends, donate to charity, treat herself to a nice hair cut. Is she meant to live her life only paying bills, buying basic food items and buying things for the children?

I used to get child maintenance and I work full time. Every month, I'd put money in my pension, pay life insurance, put money into savings, put money into the kids bank accounts, pay all bills, pay for food (including things like wine and treats), pay for kids activities, pay my own gym membership and whatever else the kids needed or I needed. Maintenance went into my account, along with all the other money I earned and the money was disrupted and spent as needed.

In that circumstance, do you believe I should have given up all my luxuries and all things for me personally because I was being given money by my ex? So technically he could argue that his money gave me an extra £180 a month, allowing me to spend £180 more than I would without, but since I was buying luxuries, he was just paying me to buy gin?

Is that what you think? That women left with the kids shouldnt be allowed to claim maintenance if they spend anything on themselves? Are we not allowed to live like normal people?

And just FYI, my ex no longer pays anything because he is saving to get a house. He currently owes me £4800 due to under paying (he wasnt in 9 our lives for those years so I couldnt actually speak to him) for years and CMS being useless, and now he is paying nothing so he can save a deposit. I've said that's ok because maybe if he gets a stable living situation rather than flat sharing, he will see the kids for more tha 6 hours a week. He legally needs to pay, but I've given up. I've said he can have 2 years off so he'll end up getting away with over £8000. So dont bother calling me a gold digger or whatever else it is you think of single mums.

@Britsmums11

Just dropping this again; hoping for an explanation as to why single mum's shouldnt be allowed a bottle of wine?

Op your attitude is awful. Mentioning the ‘ex’s club’ as if you think this whole thread is made up of bitter ex wives - have you missed the many step mums who have posted on here? Also I’m not an ex and have zero agenda here and think you’re being unfair. You clearly don’t like the ex and would highly resent giving her the £250 a month despite being easily able to afford it. I just find that you seem quite cold but hopefully it will all work out for the best for your stepson and your little one, who are EQUALLY important here.

If dss doesn't want to split his time 50/50, then your dh will not be able to be a sahp because he will still have a financial obligation.

Incorrect. If the OP's DP gives up work, there will be no income to claim CMS from. 0 income = 0 CMS. I thought that had already been established.

Alexa, in whose interest is that? Certainly not dss's. Or are you suggesting he should be forced to comply whether or not he wants his care to be shared 50/50?

If the dss does not want that, then he will still have a financial obligation to support his dss. In that circumstance, then the op's dh would be incredibly unreasonable to give up full time work to become a stay at home parent.

Or are you suggesting that he should just give up work regardless, before that conversation is had with dss and bugger the consequences?

This all hinges on what dss wants, and there's a big difference between "yeah I'd like to see you more" vs "yes, I want to split my time and costs equally between both parents"

I thought we'd already established that?

@Britsmums11

And ffs the ex didn't tell my husband she was pregnant, she got a new relationship, that' broke down then contacted my husband afterwards.

It was money motivated completely, and lack of male father figure.

I'm not sure this really matters here. Now you've established you don't legally need to pay CMS and decided it's either DH becomes a SAHP and takes his son 50/50 or he just has the usual contact but no maintenance it only leaves asking the son what he wants and working with mum in the son's best interest out of those two options.

You seem to have a bit of an ex vs us attitude, she might be more willing to work with you to find a solution? But you might have tried this.

Surely this is easy to sort out.
1). Your Dh being a sahd is better for you all so do that it sounds ideal
2). Don’t stress cms payment isn’t worked out on your wages
3). You said you can afford the £250 a month still so pay that ! Your wages / dh wages/ child benefit etc etc it’s all ‘household income’ and that’s a priority bill. View it as no different to rent council tax or utilities ! You wouldn’t start wondering do you still need to pay those

@CandyLeBonBon

Alexa, in whose interest is that? Certainly not dss's. Or are you suggesting he should be forced to comply whether or not he wants his care to be shared 50/50?

If the dss does not want that, then he will still have a financial obligation to support his dss. In that circumstance, then the op's dh would be incredibly unreasonable to give up full time work to become a stay at home parent.

Or are you suggesting that he should just give up work regardless, before that conversation is had with dss and bugger the consequences?

This all hinges on what dss wants, and there's a big difference between "yeah I'd like to see you more" vs "yes, I want to split my time and costs equally between both parents"

I thought we'd already established that?

If you aren't happy with 0 income = 0 CMS I suggest you look into it in more detail. Legally, if the OP's DP gives up work and has 0 income then there is no obligation for either the OP's DP, or the OP, to pay CMS. Keep on twisting things however you like but you are wrong.

And you are proposing to pay 50% of DSS's expenses? Clubs, school uniform, school trips

Op has been asked this many times. I think we can presume from her last posts that he will be staying on a strict bed and board basis only. He already has clothes, no mention of what might happen when he grows out of them, and the OP expects him to bring his own toys. That will be justified by the ‘she gets all the benefits’ shite that is pumped out on here as reason to make no contribution whatsoever. That includes when no benefits are actually paid.

@AlexaRain

If dss doesn't want to split his time 50/50, then your dh will not be able to be a sahp because he will still have a financial obligation.

Incorrect. If the OP's DP gives up work, there will be no income to claim CMS from. 0 income = 0 CMS. I thought that had already been established.

So you think it's acceptable for OP's husband to give up his job conveniently meaning he no longer has to pay CM to his sons wicked mother...

TBH do what you want. Children grow up knowing who really gives a shit about them. I know because I've been picking up the pieces from my DS and his Dads relationship. His Dad has spent many years with DS being number 2 to everything. His further children, his next wife, his car. Everything. DS isn't stupid, he knows that and knows that thankfully he's had a good mum and more crucially an amazing step dad who took over when needed. He wants for nothing and knows why that is - because he will always be equal to his brother. Not second in command. Even when I became a SAHM his step dad didn't even bat an eyelid , he wouldn't have dreamt of treating him second best to his own biological children. If we didn't have enough (thankfully rare), they always came first, because that's what parents do.

Agreed @ALevelhelp

No idea why my previous message was deleted either!