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Original poster

Every bank holiday (almost!)

299 replies

MiniPep · 28/04/2021 08:15

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

OP posts:
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Youseethethingis · 29/04/2021 17:19

Looking at your contact arrangement, if a BH feel on the week your DP usually gets SS on the Sunday night, he could potentially get him on the Monday instead so they get shared between both parents more
This. Just a slight shuffle a couple of times a year is all that it would take. Is he willing to broach this with his ex? If far enough in advance would she be amenable?

Original poster
MiniPep · 29/04/2021 17:21

@Bibidy - thank you that’s exactly it!

Bank holidays are always something to look forward to when you work Mon-Fri 9-5 and it was just that realisation that we won’t have any together this year as just us.

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 29/04/2021 17:23

Kids come first - or so they should

SandyY2K · 29/04/2021 17:23

So Sandy, if your partner was in the military then, and you did feel down about him being away from time to time, and you spoke to a friend and said "I'm just feeling really shit at the moment, I'm really missing DP and wish he was going to be here to enjoy X with me", and your friend just replies "Well you knew he was in the military so just suck it up.......that's OK is it??

That wouldn't happen to me, because
I just wouldn't marry someone who was in a job that meant he was away alot if it bothered me. It doesn't make sense.

I'm just more practical and realistic about things in life. Although you can change jobs, you can't get rid of kids.

If I had a job as a pilot and my DH began moaning about my absence, I'd be pretty irritated, as he knew beforehand that my job takes me away. It's okay if he said "I'm going to miss you or I can't wait for you to come back" ...but if he started saying I wish you got another job, I wouldn't like it.

In the case of this being about a child, you have to realise that the underlying message if you say this yo a parent is....because you have a child, we can't spend bank holidays alone. That just isn't going to fly with most parents.

The message is we're stuck with your kid and can't do our own thing for the years to come on bank holidays.

It's one of those things that you shouldn't moan about to the biological parent. It won't go down well. An example is a disabled comedian, making jokes about being disabled. He/she can getaway with it...if a non disabled comedian did it, there would be a lot of complaints and it would be deemed discriminatory.

A child is a responsibility and if you're with a man who has kids, you have to know this will affect your time together.

I don't know if you expected his response to be... "I know. It's crap...I'm sorry we can't have exclusive time on bank holidays." That's basically saying his child is a hindrance or an obstacle.

Original poster
MiniPep · 29/04/2021 17:26

Thank you, that’s a good idea. Maybe a slight shuffle would be nice and would even things out a bit.

@OverTheRubicon - I’m talking about this year. It was a momentary realisation, not a case of getting the calendar out and working out the next few years. We should have 3 together next year but as we have his son for Christmas and New Year we will get 2 out of 9. Not the end of the world but not 50/50 either.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/04/2021 17:33

@UhtredRagnarson

It probably would have been better received if OP had said to her partner “ooh, do you fancy doing X/Y/Z on the may/august bank holiday? Do you think your ex would mind swapping days with you?” To. Know, something specific she wanted to do. Rather than what comes across as her whingeing about never having a bank holiday again because of “your child”.

I agree. The way things are phrased is everything.

Biological parents find ways to go away without their kids, so having kids isn't a barrier to having time alone.

I used to sometimes put my kids in in a residential camp during school holidays and sometimes DH and I would go away ourselves those times.

Having kids doesn't mean your life is totally dictated by them.

Bibidy · 29/04/2021 17:37

I don't know if you expected his response to be... "I know. It's crap...I'm sorry we can't have exclusive time on bank holidays." That's basically saying his child is a hindrance or an obstacle.

I genuinely don't think it is that at all though. Him showing some understanding about how him having a child impacts on his partner is not saying his child is a hindrance, it's just showing some empathy towards the person he loves.

My DP would never, ever, ever in his life consider his children obstacles or hindrances, but that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate that sometimes things are less than ideal for me. He has often expressed himself that he knows things would be different for me if I were with someone who didn't have children - he sometimes brings it up in relation to my sister, for example when she and her boyfriend go on amazing holidays that we could never afford. It's absolutely not saying anything against his children at all, but he loves me and it's just a little way of him saying that he sees me and appreciates the things I have given up my chance of by being in a relationship with him. By being with a man with children, I don't get some of the things people naturally expect from a 'conventional' relationship, and yes that is my choice - but it doesn't mean it's not nice for him to acknowledge it from time to time.

That wouldn't happen to me, because I just wouldn't marry someone who was in a job that meant he was away alot if it bothered me. It doesn't make sense.

You don't necessarily think about all the ins and outs when you get into a relationship with a parent though. I understood going in that his children (any by extension, his ex) would be in my life and I would need to spend time and build a relationship with them. I didn't think what about the bank holidays or the fact that we wouldn't get to go on holiday for 2 weeks ever so he doesn't miss a weekend with the children. Some things just come up along the way.

OverTheRubicon · 29/04/2021 17:40

@MiniPep

Thank you, that’s a good idea. Maybe a slight shuffle would be nice and would even things out a bit.

@OverTheRubicon - I’m talking about this year. It was a momentary realisation, not a case of getting the calendar out and working out the next few years. We should have 3 together next year but as we have his son for Christmas and New Year we will get 2 out of 9. Not the end of the world but not 50/50 either.

Maybe he doesn't get it because he was pretty thrilled to have Bank Holidays, because with Mon-Weds each week he actually doesn't get that many full days with them, especially if they do sports and activities.over the weekend?

One of the hardest things for me about splitting has been losing these times. I'd be thrilled about extra days one year, and while I certainly wouldn't expect any future partner to share my joy or even to want to spend the full days with us, I'd wonder what they were thinking when getting together with someone with children, if 7 days a year bothers them to this extent.

Original poster
MiniPep · 29/04/2021 17:52

@OverTheRubicon - could I ask you kindly to read my posts?

It’s Saturday morning - Wednesday one week and Sunday evening - Wednesday the other so we never get a full weekend to ourselves and he does have 50/50 contact time including weekends.

I appreciate this wasn’t the most clear in my first post but I have spelled it out since.

OP posts:
Onesnowynight · 29/04/2021 18:01

Good for dad he gets several more full days with his son! Can’t you see how why he likes this???

UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 18:17

We don’t have eow free. We have his son Saturday morning - Wed one week, and Sun evening - Wed the other week.

The second week is pretty much a free weekend though if you don’t have him until Sunday evening. You have Friday evening, Saturday, Saturday evening and Sunday to yourselves every other week.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/04/2021 18:23

It also does sound like you had child free BH prior to the change in contact and will have already had some this year so far.

ladygindiva · 29/04/2021 18:27

Tbh I'm hoping my dp, who met me when I was a single mum of a dd who was with me 24/7 as her dad's useless, didn't feel like you. If he had I'd have been a bit upset tbh.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2021 19:09

@ladygindiva

Tbh I'm hoping my dp, who met me when I was a single mum of a dd who was with me 24/7 as her dad's useless, didn't feel like you. If he had I'd have been a bit upset tbh.
Why?
ladygindiva · 29/04/2021 19:12

Why? Because I guess it would feel like he was saying my dd was in the way. And that would hurt. Maybe I'm over sensitive, idk.

OverTheRubicon · 29/04/2021 19:32

[quote MiniPep]@OverTheRubicon - could I ask you kindly to read my posts?

It’s Saturday morning - Wednesday one week and Sunday evening - Wednesday the other so we never get a full weekend to ourselves and he does have 50/50 contact time including weekends.

I appreciate this wasn’t the most clear in my first post but I have spelled it out since.[/quote]
In other words, one full day every two weeks. Of course he might be pleased - or at least, have the pleasure outweigh the sadness of not having a full day with you - to have another full day.

I understand why you wouldn't want to spend your Bank Holidays with someone else's child - and I also do see that it means you have very few full days with him either. Is there any chance they could change timings so that eow you actually have a full weekend alone (and he gets a full weekend with DC?). That might also make it feel less like you're always having to share your days off.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2021 19:46

Yeah....it is nice to have a day off from work (& school), but I don't understand a bank holiday in itself being such a big event. Maybe it is just me.

It's an extra day off work. I thought most people liked a BH.

Because I guess it would feel like he was saying my dd was in the way. And that would hurt. Maybe I'm over sensitive, idk.

I think that's exactly it. Your kid is preventing us from doing xyz.

Having children may prevent you from doing certain things. I remember having a job where I could get last minute theatre tickets..usually for thst night or the next night. I could go before kids...but not after kids.

If I had a partner with kids and said "it's a shame we can't do that now because of Tommy" ...of course that would be insensitive, even though it's the truth.

My DH and I could say it to each other, but if the child is just one persons...it's like there child is the problem/issue/obstacle/hindrance.

Maybe83 · 29/04/2021 20:45

Your contact schedule makes it even clearer why your DH didn't get it.

You do have every second weekend to your self. You can go away on a Friday evening and come back on a Sunday afternoon.

That's what most people do on a weekend break isn't it. And you have all that precious time as a couple.

If you had every weekend Friday to Sunday and worked Monday to Friday I would probably get it more.

LaceyBetty · 29/04/2021 22:18

The bank holiday point is a red herring. Of course everyone likes an extra day off work. The point here is that the DP didn't share, or at least acknowledge, the OP's disappointment that they have to spend them with his child.

LaceyBetty · 29/04/2021 22:18

And rightly so!

Maggiesfarm · 29/04/2021 23:30

He probably isn't disappointed, just accepts that's how it is.

The op can organise a long weekend away for the two of them when the weather warms up a bit. Maybe even for the second May bank holiday weekend as bank holidays seem to have some significance.

Millie2008 · 30/04/2021 00:00

@LaceyBetty

It's not the OP's child though. And in no way the same thing.

Why, oh why, do people get into relationships with people with kids if they don't want them around all the time? What if something happened to the mother and the father had to take them full time. Would she leave? Complain? I just don't get it.

This.
Maggiesfarm · 30/04/2021 01:36

I agree Millie and Lacey; it's just not worth the hassle. There are plenty of childless men of all ages in the world.

BlueVelvetStars · 30/04/2021 01:49

@FizzyApricot

Is it because you'd like to get drunk on a Sunday?

this has to be the WEIRDEST reply on this entire thread Confused

lucy5236 · 30/04/2021 07:12

[quote MiniPep]@OverTheRubicon - could I ask you kindly to read my posts?

It’s Saturday morning - Wednesday one week and Sunday evening - Wednesday the other so we never get a full weekend to ourselves and he does have 50/50 contact time including weekends.

I appreciate this wasn’t the most clear in my first post but I have spelled it out since.[/quote]
But you still have almost EOW together if he doesn't arrive til a Sunday evening?
I'd say a Friday night, all day Saturday, Saturday night and day time on a Sunday is quite a lot of "alone time" for a couple when one of them has kids?

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