Every bank holiday (almost!)

[MiniPep]

Hi all,

With the upcoming bank holiday on Monday it’s just hit me that I will no longer have bank holidays with just me and my partner and I feel quite sad about this...

My partner has his son every Monday-Wednesday and every other weekend so sometimes it’s 3 days a week, sometimes 5. Whatever the week though we will always have him on a bank holiday Monday.

I mentioned this to my partner as a realisation simply saying “I’ve just realised we won’t have bank holidays as just the 2 of us any more” and he didn’t get it. Which again feels quite disappointing...

How does everyone else split their bank holidays? Do your arrangements mean that you have them every bank holiday Monday?

And before anyone says it - I know we had Friday 2nd April which is why I said almost! It was a wonderful day off together and that’s why I feel it’s a shame we won’t have more but every other bank holiday this year falls to his contact time...

Yet again, you are phrasing it as if the expectation is that he should AGREE with her

If not agree, what was the expectation? That he should acknowledge to her that his child is preventing alone time and she has made a sacrifice being with him...and he gets how she feels?

She said he didn't get it, which implies she couldn't see how he didn't understand her comment about his child being a barrier to no more alone time on bank holidays.

This isn't a relationship that was forced on either party. In a relationship you accept someone as you find them or not. You don't make them feel like their child is something negative. That's not very nice at all.

I find myself increasingly bewildered by the attitudes to parenting on this forum.
I'm a divorced parent & have put my children's needs first for most of their dependent lives. This has involved a few career set backs with jobs & not changing locations due to schools etc.
However I do not put their wants first all the time & I do not believe always putting them before other important people in my life makes me a better parent.
When I was with exdp I did not give in to any want on their part to spend extra time (on their dad's time) with me as I acknowledged that in those instances my relationship needed prioritising over my dc & that my partner and I needed some child free time.
To that end exh & I would share bank holidays out so we both got the benefit of long weekends with the dc & long weekends without the dc. I am woman enough to know that while I think my dc are the best people on earth - not everyone else does & that included exdp. He really liked them but it was no insult to me that he valued time with me without them - they were not his children so why on earth would he want them around all the time & why should that make me feel bad or defensive? I feel exactly the same way about everyone else's children!
Honestly this pussy footing around sdc is beyond ridiculous. It's perfectly normal to not want sdc around all the time & step parents should not have to hide these feelings. And there's no point in blathering on about you knew what you got into. That's the biggest load of bullshit. And as a parent there's no point in taking offence!
The only person who needs to take responsibility for a step parent wanting some good quality sdc free time is the actual parent.
If as a parent you do not want to ever put your dc's wants second or even third DO NOT get into a relationship.
If you are not prepared so say no to a dc or ex every now & then DO NOT get into a relationship.
If you don't like or want child free time DO NOT get into a relationship.
I'm so sick of step parents constantly getting in the neck when the real people at fault are the parents themselves; parents who have no boundaries, no ability to appreciate their children aren't the little princes & princesses they believe them to be; parents who INSIST on dating/getting into relationships when they have NO intention of making any real time for their partners; parents who then turn on their partners because they have the audacity to not love their dc like their own!
As an 80's kid we were known as the generation brought up on benign neglect. Well it seems to me that the pendulum has fully swung the other way & we are now rearing a generation who are growing up expecting the entire universe to revolve around them & god forbid not every adult they come into contact with treats them like golden deities!
I really do despair that this generation & subsequent ones will have little to no emotional resilience as it seems to me that teaching compromise & empathy to children and young adults is short supply.

Honestly this pussy footing around sdc is beyond ridiculous. It's perfectly normal to not want sdc around all the time

How is this relevant to the OPs situation where the SDC is only there 50% of the time? Not all the time. And the time she is complaining about isn’t extra time DC have asked for- it’s scheduled contact.

@Magda72 let me get this straight;
You prioritised your then new relationship with a man over that of your children, and when your children asked for extra time with you, you refused that on the basis of spending time with your partner instead.
Who is now an ex, btw.

Have I got that right? I’m hoping not!

How is this relevant to the OPs situation where the SDC is only there 50% of the time? Not all the time. And the time she is complaining about isn’t extra time DC have asked for- it’s scheduled contact.

Tbh I don't really think it's about OPs partner's schedule changing. She doesn't need that specific time with him, no, and he doesn't need to change his arrangement. But he does need to consider making time with her a priority and not just think it isn't because they are surely both content with all their time together being with his kids, (right?), and he also shouldn't be surprised or offended that she feels this way, which is more the suggestion of commenters on this thread, than anything mentioned in the actual OP.

Great comment @Magda72, I agree with every word.

It was a 5 year relationship & you have wilfully misconstrued what I've said. You know this too so no point in trying to bait me with your moralistic hand wringing.
I have a wonderful relationship with all my dc who have benefitted from having a parent who has made sacrifices for, but not martyred herself for them.

@aSofaNearYou

How is this relevant to the OPs situation where the SDC is only there 50% of the time? Not all the time. And the time she is complaining about isn’t extra time DC have asked for- it’s scheduled contact.

Tbh I don't really think it's about OPs partner's schedule changing. She doesn't need that specific time with him, no, and he doesn't need to change his arrangement. But he does need to consider making time with her a priority and not just think it isn't because they are surely both content with all their time together being with his kids, (right?), and he also shouldn't be surprised or offended that she feels this way, which is more the suggestion of commenters on this thread, than anything mentioned in the actual OP.

Great comment @Magda72, I agree with every word.

I was asking @Magda72 how her comment was relevant here. Not sure what your response is about.

@UhtredRagnarson @aSofaNearYou has very succinctly answered why it's relevant!

So not relevant at all. Thanks.

Split up with him. Do it now.
Parenting is a lifelong commitment and for those who don't split up with their partners, something they do every day.
He is already getting off very lightly with eow...you playing your face at even that is just wrong.
I have no sympathy in these situations...none. Unless he produced his son from a cupboard a year in, you chose to get involved with a man with a child.
The child is the priority.
I know a couple of amazing step parents, but for the most part I hear this whingeing all the time and I pity the kids.
The last time we had a night off from our three kids was August. No moaning, no complaining about alone time here. Why should my kids feel welcome and loved in their own home while a stepchild, with no choice in the matter, feels like a burden. Answer...they shouldn't.

Find another man who can give you all the attention you want...it's kinder to everyone.

@UhtredRagnarson

So not relevant at all. Thanks.

Only partially relevant to the OP specifically, but highly relevant to the direction the discussion has taken? I'd say that's plenty relevant enough to merit the comment.

You don't get to ditch a child just because it isn't convenient to have them.

@Magda72

I find myself increasingly bewildered by the attitudes to parenting on this forum. I'm a divorced parent & have put my children's needs first for most of their dependent lives. This has involved a few career set backs with jobs & not changing locations due to schools etc. However I do not put their wants first all the time & I do not believe always putting them before other important people in my life makes me a better parent. When I was with exdp I did not give in to any want on their part to spend extra time (on their dad's time) with me as I acknowledged that in those instances my relationship needed prioritising over my dc & that my partner and I needed some child free time. To that end exh & I would share bank holidays out so we both got the benefit of long weekends with the dc & long weekends without the dc. I am woman enough to know that while I think my dc are the best people on earth - not everyone else does & that included exdp. He really liked them but it was no insult to me that he valued time with me without them - they were not his children so why on earth would he want them around all the time & why should that make me feel bad or defensive? I feel exactly the same way about everyone else's children! Honestly this pussy footing around sdc is beyond ridiculous. It's perfectly normal to not want sdc around all the time & step parents should not have to hide these feelings. And there's no point in blathering on about you knew what you got into. That's the biggest load of bullshit. And as a parent there's no point in taking offence! The only person who needs to take responsibility for a step parent wanting some good quality sdc free time is the actual parent. If as a parent you do not want to ever put your dc's wants second or even third DO NOT get into a relationship. If you are not prepared so say no to a dc or ex every now & then DO NOT get into a relationship. If you don't like or want child free time DO NOT get into a relationship. I'm so sick of step parents constantly getting in the neck when the real people at fault are the parents themselves; parents who have no boundaries, no ability to appreciate their children aren't the little princes & princesses they believe them to be; parents who INSIST on dating/getting into relationships when they have NO intention of making any real time for their partners; parents who then turn on their partners because they have the audacity to not love their dc like their own! As an 80's kid we were known as the generation brought up on benign neglect. Well it seems to me that the pendulum has fully swung the other way & we are now rearing a generation who are growing up expecting the entire universe to revolve around them & god forbid not every adult they come into contact with treats them like golden deities! I really do despair that this generation & subsequent ones will have little to no emotional resilience as it seems to me that teaching compromise & empathy to children and young adults is short supply.

Yet another downright depressing picture being painted of blended families. Depressing from the point of view of the children, who as ever, have zero say about who comes in - and out - of their lives - step-parents, step-siblings, etc.

But good on you for prioritising your new relationship. And not being a martyr as well, of course. Credit where credit’s due.

*Yet another downright depressing picture being painted of blended families. Depressing from the point of view of the children, who as ever, have zero say about who comes in - and out - of their lives - step-parents, step-siblings, etc.

But good on you for prioritising your new relationship. And not being a martyr as well, of course. Credit where credit’s due.*

Magda has painted a highly positive picture of her children's lives and mental wellbeing across a great many threads on this board. It's only people on here that seem to think prioritising your relationship with your partner is something shameful and cannot be done at the same time as providing a positive upbringing for your children. In essence, it shows a quite bizarre inability to multitask.

OK, will take your word for that. You are clearly far more familiar than I am with someone who’s randomly appeared at the end of this long thread. And that said random person has conveniently ‘painted a highly positive picture of her children's lives and mental wellbeing across a great many threads on this board’.

@Magda72 have your ever been a step child? I bet your lengthy insights would have been very different if so.

@SaturdayRocks

OK, will take your word for that. You are clearly far more familiar than I am with someone who’s randomly appeared at the end of this long thread. And that said random person has conveniently ‘painted a highly positive picture of her children's lives and mental wellbeing across a great many threads on this board’.

You know saying things in a patronising tone doesn't automatically mean you actually have anything to be patronising about, right? The only reason I pointed out the positive impression I get of Magda and her approach to raising her kids - ie she is far from some unfeeling monster whose kids are miserable and hard done by - is because your ill thought out, kneejerk reaction to her comment, and any that don't agree that parents having to consider their partners a priority like everybody else is definitely something shocking that is definitely going to ruin their kids lives, was dramatic and obtuse.

So forgive me if I don't really feel condescend by you.

@Bibidy

That's rubbish OP, I wouldn't be happy with that.

My DP and his ex have the bank holidays that fall with their weekends with the children, it's just the easiest way. This year it has fallen that DP only has them for the August BH, but last year it was every one except the August date I think.

They have him Monday to Wednesday every week.

Speaking generally....

In a 50/50 arrangement, the kids aren't around all the time. If a SP is complaining/moaning/unhappy that they don't want them around for the 50% of the time their partner has custody, then it's not the right relationship for them.

The best thing is to make the most of the 50% time he's not with his kids and build a life for yourself outside of the relationship, doing your own thing, because the situation isn't going to change anytime soon.

Expressing feelings of not wanting the SDC around or preferring it when they're not around, is basically saying that him/her being a parent/having a child is an infringement on your relationship.

Sadly, there are some dads who will reduce custody time when they hear these comments from their GF/DP, Infact, I've seen it suggested on SP forums, when a women complains that she's not getting enough time with her partner who is a dad who has 50/50 or less time.

The suggestion from other stepmothers, is to get him to reduce custody time. Some say that's what they did and everything is much better.

The kids end up being the losers by having time with dad reduced. In their mind and that of the Ex, dad is putting his new relationship above the kids.

@LaceyBetty my 3 children are stepchildren so while I am not a stepchild myself I have lived their experiences along with them.
I find it interesting that some people on here would seem to dismiss my experience & that of my children as being somehow 'less than' just because it has been a pretty positive experience overall. I think some people don't like to hear that children can be taught to accept divorce, parents moving on, half or step siblings, stepparents etc. & that the whole experience doesn't have to be negative when the adults in question pull together & try to make things work.
My dc are generally happy people because they are given consistent parenting by me, their dad & their sm in an environment where everyone's needs & wants get tackled evenly as and when is necessary.

*Expressing feelings of not wanting the SDC around or preferring it when they're not around, is basically saying that him/her being a parent/having a child is an infringement on your relationship.

Sadly, there are some dads who will reduce custody time when they hear these comments from their GF/DP, Infact, I've seen it suggested on SP forums, when a women complains that she's not getting enough time with her partner who is a dad who has 50/50 or less time.

The suggestion from other stepmothers, is to get him to reduce custody time. Some say that's what they did and everything is much better.

The kids end up being the losers by having time with dad reduced. In their mind and that of the Ex, dad is putting his new relationship above the kids.*

I think you generally seem to struggle to see that the suggestion of reducing contact is not inherent when people talk about being free to mention the set up to their partners. I have genuinely very rarely seen that suggested by stepmothers as a solution. It is sometimes suggested that the parent irons out the contact arrangement to be less ad hoc, but very rarely is it said that the parent should simply reduce their time so that the step parent can have more of it. Never, in fact, have I seen that be an actual consensus on a thread.

If my partner worked long hours, I would feel free to discuss the impact of that with my partner without there being an implication that I expected him to quit his job. This is just the same. It's a perfectly normal discussion about our lives as they are. A call for empathy from your partner is not the same thing as a call for change.

Surely if you had a plan for BH your partner would have to do a different day and have the BH off if needs be.

Your partner has responsibilities!

Hope you are having a nice Bank Holiday whatever you are doing OP.

That's annoying op. I wouldn't want that either. At the end of the day, they're not your children to have / want to be around every bank holiday.
Could there not be a compromise for the next bank holiday?